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How to Resolve Recurring Conflicts in Your Relationship

How to Resolve Recurring Conflicts in Your Relationship:

John Gottman , one of the most acclaimed researchers on couples conflict, has argued that about two thirds of all issues couples argue about are irresolvable. He calls these issues, perpetual conflicts and they consist of difference in taste and habit that are so deeply ingrained in us that they have become part of our personality.

Perpetual problems might include issues such as one person being a home body and another person being a social butterfly, or one person having a relaxed attitude to life, while another is a go-getter who needs to get things done right away.

From an emotionally-focused couples therapy perspective these differences, while annoying at times, are not really that important as long as couples feel respected by each other and connected with each other. However, when this is not the case, all hell breaks lose, and they become a battleground of conflict.

At such times, many little things about our partner can become annoying, including things we would previously just have shrugged off, or laughed about.

The real insight, however, is that the little things we end up disagreeing about or find annoying are not the real issues that need to be talked about, but instead stand-ins for these issues.

In other words, the real issue is not whether or not our partner once again didn’t do the dishes, or once again didn’t call or text all day. The real issue is what that represents to the person who gets antagonized by it.

From an emotionally-focused couples therapy perspective it is therefore important to take a step back from the many little conflicts in our everyday lives and ask ourselves: what is the real problem here?

Why We Often Get Stuck in Our Conflicts:

At first the problem might seem to be tantamount to what our anger tells us it is.

Our partner is inconsiderate, self-absorbed, overly emotional, too uninvolved, too needy, or any such host of angry complaints that immediately come to our mind.

The problem with stopping our self-analysis here is that it often leaves us at loggerheads with our partner:

  • We think our partner is inconsiderate – they think we are overreacting
  • We think our partner is uninvolved – they think we need to give them their space
  • We think our partner has lost interest in us – they think we have unrealistic standards and can’t accept them for who they are

In these types of situations, there is really no solution to our relationship problems, because what we want and what our partner wants are two different things.

A Linear Solution Cannot Solve a Circular Problem:

A break-through, however, is achieved when we realize that our problems are not separate from each other, and cannot therefore be solved by simply asking that our partner change something about themselves.

We then stop looking for a linear solution to a circular problem.

What do I mean by that?

A linear definition of a problem involves identifying a cause of a specific problem in one or the other person and eliminating the cause by asking the person who is causing the problem to change.

A circular problem, on the other hand, is one where how I deal with my emotions impacts how you deal with yours, and how you talk to me impacts how I talk to you.

In these situations, the problem is co-created and the solution must therefore be a joint effort to create a different outcome. The problem is here not you or me, but how we each play a role in perpetuating a shared negative pattern.

A Frequent Pattern Couples Get Stuck In:

A frequent pattern that happens in relationships is that one person becomes critical of their partner because they experience their partner as distant and disconnected, and that the other person becomes distant and disconnects because they experience their partner as always criticizing them and therefore not a safe person to get close to.

Or to flip it around: One person becomes disengaged because the other person is hard to please and always complains about something, and the other person gets dissatisfied and critical because the first person disengages.

In both of these scenarios, there is not a single cause and a single person who is the reason for the problem. The problem is circular in the sense that the way each person acts becomes a problem for the other.

In couples therapy this is often the first fruitful realization that partners need to have. They need to understand that they each play a part in perpetuating the problems they don’t like in their relationship. It is not just the other person’s fault.

A couple jointly produces each other’s misery and they therefore need to work together to jointly realize the impact they are having on each other.

The Way Out of a Stalemate:

To work their way out of their negative pattern, the critical partner needs to get a glimpse of the fears and bad feelings that make the withdrawn partner shut down in self-protection, and the withdrawn partner needs to get a glimpse of the fears and bad feelings that makes the critical partner critical.

Then they might learn that the critical partner is being critical because she has deep fears that she is not worth connecting with and is terrified of not mattering to the withdrawn partner and being utterly alone in this world. They might also learn that the withdrawn partner is withdrawn because he is afraid deep down that who he is not enough and that his failure to make his partner happy is really about some fundamental inadequacy or character flaw about him.

Unfortunately when fears are not talked about, the way each person is dealing with them on their own, only ends up contributing to the fears of the other person. By becoming critical in pursuit of more engagement or withdrawing to protect oneself from feeling inadequate, a never-ending vicious cycle of fear-based emotions and reactions is created that leaves each person feeling alone and unloved.

Only when a couple makes a commitment to address a common problem they are in together is there hope for them to get themselves out of it.  

Addressing Real Issues instead of Surface Problems:

By learning to speak the full truth behind their criticism and disengagement they can excavate the positive needs and longings, which they each have to be loved, important, and accepted.

Now instead of talking about the dishes that were not put away or the absence of communication, they can talk about the real problems, which are their doubts and fears about whether or not they matter to each other and can be loved for who they are.

Once a relationship proceeds from this deep level of understanding and knowing, partners no longer have to feel alone with their relationship fears, but can work together to overcome them. Now as a team, one person’s feelings do not become a problem for the other, but an opportunity to reassure them that they are needed and wanted.

Rather than pointing fingers or blaming the other person, the feelings that previously had to go underground because they were too vulnerable, can now come to the forefront. Instead of angry accusations, the conversation now becomes about softer longings, and instead of disengaging, the conversation now becomes about an assertive desire to be accepted and given a chance to do it right.

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Written by Rune Moelbak, Ph.D.

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Welcome to My Relationship Blog!

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Couples Insight is a blog that teaches you what couples therapists know about making relationships work

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How To Deal With Unresolved Issues In A Relationship: 16 Effective Tips

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Problems can’t be swept under the rug forever. At some point, they will come out and create a mess that will be hard to clean up.

Unresolved issues in a relationship could turn your fights over trivial things into arguments about something else you’ve been ignoring.

Suppose you find yourself constantly having the same fight over and over again or resenting each other for something that happened before. In that case, you likely have unresolved issues that need to be addressed.

Keep reading for some steps to deal with unresolved problems in your relationship.

1. Know that your feelings are valid.

Are you denying yourself the right to feel angry at your partner or upset about something they do? Or something they have done before?

To deal with the problems in your relationship, start by allowing yourself to feel those emotions. Don’t think that you shouldn’t feel the way you do.

Whatever you feel is okay, and you probably have justified reasons for the way you feel. If you try to bottle up your feelings instead, they will eventually spill out.

You don’t want to end up resenting your partner because you were too afraid to speak up about what’s bothering you. After all, that’s how unresolved problems stay unresolved.

You have to talk about your feelings with your partner. Start by acknowledging and validating them. You have the right to feel whatever you’re feeling, and your partner should be aware of it. Acknowledging your feelings is necessary if the issues that are causing those feelings are to go away.

2. Keep in mind that all relationships have problems.

You shouldn’t feel so bad about having problems in your relationship.

After all, all relationships experience difficulties. You and your partner shouldn’t beat yourselves up about not being able to have a “perfect relationship.” You are not perfect, and your relationship can’t be perfect either. The problems you’re experiencing aren’t a negative reflection of you; they are just something you have to work through together.

As long as you’re both willing to work on it, anything can be improved or at least managed.

In fact, it’s essential to understand that some things have to be managed and can’t be fully resolved. Don’t put pressure on yourself and your partner if you’re dealing with an unsolvable problem. Learn to accept what you cannot change and find ways to cope with it if it’s not a deal breaker.

Sometimes, there are things that you have to learn to live with if you want to continue a relationship. It’s not the end of the world if a problem persists. As already mentioned, no relationship is without flaws.

If you care about your partner and you can’t seem to fix the issue, it might be time to set new and reasonable expectations.

3. Remember that conflict is normal.

There are conflicts in all relationships from time to time. The important thing to remember is that they are rarely the fault of only one person. Try not to play the blame game and accept that you’ve both played a part in creating the problem instead.

Accept that you have different points of view and try to see things from your partner’s perspective. It’s helpful to have a proactive problem-solving attitude when it comes to conflicts. Instead of shutting down, criticizing your partner, or trying to prove them wrong, seek to make progress.

Try to be calm during conflicts because an argument shouldn’t include yelling and name-calling . If you change your attitude towards conflicts and improve how you fight, it will be easier to resolve issues.

It’s always helpful to limit accusations and aggressive attitudes. Just remember that being assertive in an argument is not the same as being aggressive.

Communicating well is a necessary part of resolving any issues, and it includes proper communication even while you’re upset or angry at each other. Try to look at conflicts as a means to an end. You are not fighting to prove a point or prove your partner wrong. You’re fighting to solve a problem.

4. Remind yourself of all the reasons why you care about your partner.

The unresolved problems in your relationship are probably bothering you. They make you feel negatively toward your partner and the relationship.

To counter these feelings, try to outweigh the negative with the positive.

Think about why you care about your partner before addressing the issue. This will help keep you calm and focused on finding solutions during conflicts. If you want to stay with your partner and save the relationship, you want to have positive feelings to motivate you.

If something has been bothering you for a while now, you might be harboring negative emotions that make you see your partner differently. So, remember why you fell in love with them in the first place and recall their good qualities.

Even if you have many problems in your relationship, if you care about each other enough, you’ll find a way to make it work.

Remind yourself why your partner is worth the trouble before you embark on a journey to solve your problems. Understand that it might take time before things are the way you’d want them to be. You don’t want to harbor negative feelings toward your partner during the time it takes to fix things.

Focus on your partner’s positive traits. Focus on everything that you love about them. It will give you the strength to fight for the relationship and the ability to remain calm enough to discuss the problems with them.

5. Identify the issues in your relationship.

So, there are problems, but are you sure you know what they are?

Are your fights really about the topic you’re fighting about? Or are they about something else that you’re trying to ignore?

Maybe you’re still upset about something that happened before. Perhaps you’re not quite sure what the problem is exactly.

Take some time to identify the issues in your relationship. It might help to talk to someone you trust about them. You could also talk to a therapist who could help you get to the root of the problem.

Maybe there is something that you thought you’d forgiven your partner for, but you’re actually still upset about it. Perhaps you are not even aware of the underlying issue that you’re upset about.

For instance, maybe you think you’re upset because your partner spends a lot of money, but you’re really upset about not being involved in financial decisions. Maybe your partner cheated on you, and you tried to forgive them, but you are still bitter about it.

Whatever the problem is in your relationship, you should spend some time thinking about it. Always try to dig deeper.

What’s on the surface might not be the real issue you’re dealing with, and you can’t fix it if you don’t know what it is exactly.

6. Consider whether the issues are deal breakers.

Not all problems are created equal. Some problems can be lived with. Others ought to spell the end of your relationship.

Ask yourself: can you live with the unresolved issues in your relationship if they happen to stay unresolved? Or are there deal breakers that you’re not willing to settle for?

Be honest with yourself and clear about what you can and can’t tolerate. If you can live with the problems in your relationship, focus on finding ways to thrive in it despite them.

If you have tried fixing them and can’t live with them, you should consider ending the relationship. Not everything can be repaired, and sometimes that’s an uncomfortable realization.

Can you stay with your partner if things don’t change? Have you tried changing them?

Keep in mind that you should be realistic when considering this. Don’t expect things to be perfect with your next partner.

If there are actual deal breakers, it might be best to end things. But if you want to end things because you’re hoping for a perfect relationship with no issues, think about it some more. There will always be problems in any relationship. It’s just a question of which you can tolerate or fix and which you can’t.

7. Consider whether there’s a bright side to it all.

Problems are inherently bad, but there’s usually a bright side. Look at things from a different perspective to see if there’s something positive in all that mess.

For instance, if you hate that you can’t count on your partner, remind yourself how much you love their spontaneity and independence. If the problem is that the relationship has gotten boring, keep in mind that it is also safe and comforting to know you can depend on someone.

Try to look at your specific problem this way, and you might discover that the issue is not as serious as it seems.

When you look at things from a negative perspective, they can feel very overwhelming. Try to maintain a positive attitude and look at things from both sides. Everything usually has upsides and downsides. If you can’t fix the problem it will be helpful to know how to make it work for you and take advantage of its bright side.

8. Don’t assume that your partner doesn’t care about you.

When you’re upset because of the problems in your relationship, you could start thinking that your partner doesn’t care about you. But do you have any evidence to support that theory, or is it clear that your partner cares about you?

Your relationship can survive the problems you’re experiencing if you both want to make it work. Don’t start thinking that the relationship is doomed. Negative thoughts like these can make you see the bad in everything.

If you want to stay in your relationship, always try to have a positive attitude. Having a positive attitude towards problems can help you realize that they’re not as big as they seem.

Having a positive attitude will help you work on the issues in your relationship and communicate with your partner more efficiently – even during arguments. The worst thing that could happen if you try this approach is that you’ll be a happier person. Try to see the good in everything.

Unless you have proof that your partner doesn’t care about you, don’t assume it just because you’re struggling with an issue in your relationship. If you believe your relationship is doomed, it probably will be at some point in the future. So try not to make problems more significant than they already are.

9. Don’t be afraid to speak up and share your thoughts.

The reason the problems you’re experiencing are left unattended may be because you’re scared to speak up about them.

Maybe you are too worried that your partner will get mad at you, or you think that they’ll shut down. Perhaps you’re assuming they’ll say that you’re overreacting or that you’re making a fuss over nothing.

If you can’t talk to your partner about the problems in your relationship, that’s just another problem that’s preventing you from resolving the rest of them.

Don’t be afraid to speak up and tell your partner what’s on your mind. Take some time to think about what you will say before talking to them, especially if you’re worried that you’ll say something wrong.

However, try not to be afraid to speak your mind around them. A relationship where you can’t be honest or discuss problems isn’t a healthy one.

Maybe this is the issue you should address first. You should feel comfortable enough around your partner to speak up about what’s bothering you, so find the courage to do that. You can’t say anything wrong around someone who loves you enough to listen to the entire story.

10. Communicate about the unresolved issues.

You can’t keep postponing the conversation that you need to have with your partner. Talk to them about the problems in your relationship and try to find a way to solve them together.

If you can’t talk about the issue, there is no way you could fix it. Open up to them and have a heart-to-heart conversation about what’s been bothering you. Help your partner see things from your point of view and consider their perspective too. Don’t point fingers or turn the conversation into a big fight. By remaining calm and assertive, it will be easier to get the message across.

You want to fix the problems in your relationship, not create new ones, and your partner should understand that. Try to be empathetic and listen to your partner’s side of the story without criticizing or blaming them. Let them open up to you and share their thoughts and feelings about the issues too.

If you’re having trouble communicating efficiently, seek the help of a relationship counselor and improve your communication skills. Don’t forget that you need to talk about the problems if you want to fix them.

11. Be prepared to forgive, negotiate, and compromise.

Some problems can be resolved simply by forgiving each other for the mistakes you’ve made so far. Be prepared and willing to let go of any resentment and truly forgive your partner, even if they have hurt you a lot. You will also need to be prepared to negotiate and make compromises.

Things might not work out exactly the way you’ve imagined, but things could get better. If your partner shows that they are willing to work on the relationship and meet you halfway, accept that. It might not resolve the issue, but it could make it easier to tolerate it. As long as they address your concerns to some extent, you will be on the right track, and that would be enough for now.

You can’t expect things to change overnight. Working on a relationship takes time, and it’s all about the small steps. You’ll get there as long as you’re looking in the same direction and walking side by side. Don’t insist that the problem be fixed immediately or expect it to happen.

Try to find happiness if you’re making progress and if your partner is willing to do something about it. Progress alone might not be enough in the long run, but it’s a huge step forward for now.

12. Work on your friendship.

To be great partners to each other, you also need to be good friends.

Work on building your friendship. Engage in fun activities together, discover shared interests, share a hobby, and go on regular dates. There are lots of fun ideas for quality time together – both inside and outside the home. And using them will help you work on the problems in your relationship.

Don’t only be romantic partners – be a team, be best friends, and work on improving your love life together. Start talking more and opening up to each other if you’ve been having trouble with that.

Most importantly, laugh more and remind yourselves of all the reasons why you enjoy each other’s company. Make each other feel loved, appreciated, and cherished.

If you can be friends and work as a team, you can do anything, including resolving your issues. So, work on deepening the bond, strengthening the connection, and truly becoming good friends that enjoy being around each other.

13. Don’t sweep problems under the rug.

Problems don’t go away when you choose to ignore them and sweep them under the rug. Start addressing issues in your relationship as soon as they appear. The sooner you fix them, the better.

What’s the point in postponing it until the problem gets bigger and more difficult to manage?

The most important part of all of this is being friends, talking about issues calmly, and working on them together. When you fight, don’t spend days not talking to each other or pouting. Have a grown-up discussion about your problems as soon as you can calmly talk about them.

If your relationship is going to last, you’ll need to figure out which issues need managing and which need resolving. Look at this as a training period for what’s yet to come.

The fact that there’ll always be some problems shouldn’t scare you; that’s just life. If you have the right attitude and effective communication in your relationship, you can overcome it all together.

14. Find ways to work on the problem together.

Remind yourself that both of you took part in creating the problem. Therefore, it’s your joint responsibility to solve it. It takes two to tango, so accept that the current state of your relationship is not only one partner’s fault. Accept your part of the blame instead of blaming your partner for everything. This is the first step to resolving the problem together.

Your partner needs to be willing to find a way to make things work. After all, you can’t fix your relationship without them. Both of you need to put an equal amount of effort into making your relationship as happy and healthy as it can be. Encourage your partner to accept their part of the blame too.

You can set a positive example with your behavior. If your partner makes progress, acknowledge it and praise them for it. Don’t forget – you’re in this together.

15. Accept your differences but work on improving yourselves.

Not all problems have a solution; you might have to accept that you and your partner have your differences. You won’t always see eye to eye, and that’s normal. Again, some problems can’t be fixed, but if you can live with them, it’s worth trying to make it work with your partner.

Relationships aren’t always smooth sailing, and no one is a saint. Sometimes you just have to agree to disagree and move past it. If you can’t find a way to fix something, you might find a way to accept it.

Maybe you’ll need to forgive your partner for something they did, or you’ll accept the bad with the good. Whatever the case may be, if you care about your partner and they feel the same way about you, don’t give up on the relationship because there are some difficulties.

Learn to be happy despite the difficulties. You can do that by putting effort into making each other happy. Work on improving yourself and your relationship because happy couples grow together in their relationships .

16. Talk to a relationship expert.

Ultimately, the most effective way to resolve issues in your relationship depends on the problem and your specific situation. Talking to someone about it might be the best idea.

A relationship counselor could give you tailored advice based on your specific circumstances. You can speak to one with or without your partner. It might be best to try out a session on your own and include your partner after the counselor is familiar with the issue.

By all means, seek the help of your loved ones as well. However, know that an experienced professional might be more objective and give you better insights into the problem.

When you want to improve your relationship, you should use all the help you can get, and there’s no shame in talking to a counselor.

If this is something you feel is right for you, speak to one of the relationships experts at Relationship Hero . You can connect with them via video, phone, or instant message to get the help and advice you need.

Click here to learn more or to talk to someone right now.

You may also like:

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  • How To Be Patient In A Relationship: 5 Highly Effective Tips
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About The Author

how to fix recurring relationship problems

Ana Vakos enjoys writing about love and all the problems that come with it. Everyone has experiences with love, and everyone needs dating advice, so giving these topics more attention and spreading the word means a lot to her.

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The Gottman Institute

A research-based approach to relationships

Managing Conflict: Solvable vs. Perpetual Problems

Michael Fulwiler

Knowing the difference between the types of problems all couples have is the key to avoiding gridlock.

how to fix recurring relationship problems

When thinking about conflict in a relationship, it is important to ascertain whether a problem is solvable or perpetual. Sixty-nine percent of relationship conflict is about perpetual problems. All couples have them. These problems are grounded in the fundamental differences that any two people face. They are either fundamental differences in your personalities that repeatedly create conflict or fundamental differences in your lifestyle needs.

Instead of solving perpetual problems, what seems to be important is whether or not a couple can establish a dialogue about them. If they cannot establish such a dialogue, the conflict becomes gridlocked , and gridlocked conflict eventually leads to emotional disengagement. In today’s post, we want to take the opportunity to explain the difference between a solvable problem, a perpetual problem, and a gridlocked perpetual problem.

  • Solvable problems can be about housecleaning, disciplining children, sex, and in-laws. Solvable problems for one couple can be about the exact same topics that could be perpetual problems for a different couple. A solvable problem within a relationship is about something situational. The conflict is simply about that topic, and there may not be a deeper meaning behind each partner’s position. A solution can be found and maintained.
  • Perpetual problems are problems that center on either fundamental differences in your personalities, or fundamental differences in your lifestyle needs. All couples have perpetual problems. These issues can seemingly be about the exact same topics as what for another couple might be solvable; however, unlike a solvable problem, these are the problems that a couple will return to over and over and over again.
  • Gridlocked perpetual problems  are perpetual problems that have been mishandled and have essentially calcified into something “uncomfortable.” When a couple tries to discuss a gridlocked issue, it can feel like they are “spinning their wheels” and getting nowhere. The nature of gridlock is that hidden agendas underlie the issue.

The Gottman Method focuses on building emotional intelligence and developing skills for managing conflict and enhancing friendship to help couples create a system of shared meaning in your relationship. What matters is not solving perpetual problems, but rather the affect with which they are discussed. The goal should be to establish a dialogue about the perpetual problem that communicates acceptance of your partner with humor, affection, and even amusement, to actively cope with the unresolvable problem, rather than allowing it to fall into the condition of gridlock. Gridlocked discussions only lead to painful exchanges or icy silence, and almost always involve the  Four Horsemen  (criticism, contempt, stonewalling, and defensiveness).

Learn how to recognize if a perpetual problem in your relationship has become gridlocked in our next blog post, which you can read here .

If you want to build a deeply meaningful relationship full of trust and intimacy, then subscribe below to receive our blog posts directly to your inbox:

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Michael Fulwiler is the former Chief Marketing Officer of The Gottman Institute. He has a B.A. with Honors in English from the University of Washington. Outside of work, Michael is a baseball coach and cautiously optimistic Seattle Mariners fan.

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How to Fix a Relationship

Last Updated: February 16, 2024 Approved

This article was co-authored by Allen Wagner, MFT, MA and by wikiHow staff writer, Janice Tieperman . Allen Wagner is a licensed marriage and family therapist based in Los Angeles, California. He received his Master's in Psychology from Pepperdine University in 2004. He specializes in working with individuals and couples on ways they can improve their relationships. Along with his wife, Talia Wagner, he's the author of Married Roommates. There are 12 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page. wikiHow marks an article as reader-approved once it receives enough positive feedback. In this case, several readers have written to tell us that this article was helpful to them, earning it our reader-approved status. This article has been viewed 764,390 times.

If you’ve hit a rough patch in your relationship, you’re in good company. For better or for worse, most relationships come with high and low points. Don’t worry. We’ve put together some psychologist-backed tips and tricks that will help you connect and communicate with your partner in a healthy, productive way.

Expressing Yourself

Tell your partner clearly and openly how you’re feeling.

  • You might say, “Lately, I feel like our relationship isn’t a priority for you. I’m not trying to point any fingers, but I just want to be honest with you.”
  • Good communication isn’t always about being “right.” Be prepared to compromise as you talk things out with your partner.
  • Reader Poll: We asked 278 wikiHow readers who've struggled to find independence in their relationship, and 63% of them agreed the biggest hurdle was meeting their own emotional needs. [Take Poll]

Listening to Your Partner

Listen closely as your partner airs out any issues they have.

  • Restating, reflecting, and summarizing are great ways to be an active listener. You might say something like, “Let me make sure I’m on the same page…” “It sounds like…” or “I can tell that you’ve been thinking about this a lot.” [4] X Research source

Household Responsibilities

Try to view a situation from your partner’s perspective.

  • Instead of saying “I don’t get why you’re so upset about this,” you might say, “I’m sorry you’ve felt this way. I didn’t mean to leave all the trash and recycling to you last night.”

Intimacy Issues

Identify you and your partner’s attachment styles.

  • If you have an anxious or avoidant attachment style, focus on building your self-esteem and putting yourself out there with your partner.

You might be repeating a past habit without realizing it.

  • For example, if you tended to pick fights with your parents as a child, you might pick fights with your partner without realizing it.

Don’t play the blame game with your partner.

  • For instance, if your partner tends to leave their dirty laundry on the floor, say something like, “I don’t want to start a fight, but I’ve noticed that you don’t seem to listen or care when I remind you to put your laundry away. Is there a way we could compromise on this?”

Daily Conflicts

Every relationship “problem” is just an incorrect answer to a bigger issue.

  • For instance, if your partner forgets to do the dishes, suggest making a chore chart instead of criticizing them for forgetting.
  • If your partner is in a bad mood, ask “What’s on your mind?” instead of saying “What are you pissed about?”

Emotional Connection

Rewind back to the very beginning of your relationship.

  • You might ask a simple, open-ended question, like “If a crystal ball could tell you an absolute truth about your past, present, or future, what would you ask?”

Chloe Carmichael, PhD

Chloe Carmichael, PhD

Noticing romantic neglect can be the first step to improve a relationship. Noticing when the romance in your relationshiop is feeling depleted is a wake-up call not to be dismissed. Rather than ignoring it, use that awareness as a catalyst to proactively revive the connection. Share your observations gently and ask what's missing and how to fill the gaps. Keep it real.

Time Spent Together

Variety is essential to a healthy relationship.

  • For instance, you might go to the movies one weekend if you usually spend the night in.
  • You might try out a new restaurant instead of eating dinner at home.

Busy Schedules

Schedule outings or activities to do together.

  • For instance, you might sign up for a cooking or dance class together, or take a daily walk around the neighborhood.
  • You could have a heartfelt conversation each morning over a cup of coffee.

Lack of Affection

Try touching each other more.

  • You might pat your partner on the shoulder if they’ve had a rough day, or offer to give them a hug.
  • If touch isn’t a big part of your relationship, talk to your partner about it! An open conversation might help you pinpoint some issues in the relationship.

Practicing gratitude helps you feel better about a relationship.

  • You might thank your partner for making the bed that morning, or for picking up some extra ingredients at the grocery store.

Money Issues

Tackle your household finances as a pair.

  • For instance, you might be in charge of grocery shopping for one month, while your partner manages your savings. Then, you can switch roles the following month.

Visit a marriage or couple’s therapist.

  • If you don’t feel like seeing a therapist, reach out to another trustworthy third party, like a religious leader or close friend.

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  • ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/relationship-help.htm
  • ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/9-steps-to-better-communication-today
  • ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/close-encounters/201704/10-tips-solving-relationship-conflicts
  • ↑ https://psychcentral.com/lib/become-a-better-listener-active-listening
  • ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/tech-support/201410/6-steps-repairing-your-relationship
  • ↑ https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/which-of-these-four-attachment-styles-is-yours/
  • ↑ https://psychcentral.com/lib/how-to-change-your-attachment-style
  • ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/compassion-matters/201301/6-ways-you-can-fix-your-relationship-your-own
  • ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fixing-families/201208/relationship-repair-10-tips-thinking-therapist
  • ↑ https://www.psychalive.org/how-to-fix-a-relationship/
  • ↑ https://www.apa.org/topics/money/conflict
  • ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/infidelity/art-20048424

About This Article

Allen Wagner, MFT, MA

To fix a relationship, talk to your partner whenever something is bothering you, even if it's small, so you're not bottling up your feelings. Although it's not always easy, try your best to stay calm when you talk to them about how you feel, and avoid blaming them or bringing up the past. Once you've been honest with each other, focus on reconnecting with your partner by making time for them every day, going on regular dates again, and being affectionate. For tips from our reviewer on how to overcome relationship hurdles, read on! Did this summary help you? Yes No

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The 13+ Most Common Relationship Problems (and How to Fix Them)

Last Updated: November 29, 2021 References

This article was co-authored by Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC and by wikiHow staff writer, Hannah Madden . Dr. Tara Vossenkemper is a Licensed Professional Counselor and the Founder and Managing Director of The Counseling Hub, LLC, a group counseling practice located in Columbia, Missouri. She is also the Founder of and a Business Consultant with Tara Vossenkemper Consulting, LLC, a consulting service for therapy practice owners. With over nine years of experience, she specializes in using the Gottman Method of relationship therapy with couples on the brink of divorce, who have conflict, or who feel disconnected from one another. Dr. Vossenkemper holds a BA in Psychology from The University of Missouri, Saint Louis, an MA in Counseling from Missouri Baptist University, and a PhD in Counselor Education and Supervision from The University of Missouri, Saint Louis. She has also completed Level 3 training in the Gottman Method Couples Therapy approach and has been formally trained in both the Prepare-Enrich Premarital Couples Counseling approach and the PREP Approach for couples counseling. There are 13 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page. This article has been viewed 1,704 times.

Every couple experiences issues from time to time, and your relationship is probably no exception. Figuring out where relationship problems come from can help you work through them together, and it can also help reassure you that what you and your partner are going through is normal. In this article, we’ve compiled 13 of the most common relationship problems for you to read and reflect upon, as well as some helpful advice for improving your relationship and maintaining a long, healthy partnership.

Small conflicts can turn into big fights in no time.

  • For instance, when you and your partner argue about doing the dishes, is it really about the dishes? Or is it more about your partner not respecting your shared living space?
  • Or, when you accuse your partner of not taking you out enough, is it really that you like going on fancy dates, or do you want your partner to pay more attention to you?

Poor Communication

Good communication is the foundation to a solid, healthy relationship.

  • How you say things matters just as much as what you say. If, for instance, you’re talking to your partner about a problem, you might say, “When you leave for the night and don’t tell me, I feel worried,” instead of, “You always leave without telling me where you’re going.”
  • Communication is tough, but the more you practice it, the better you’ll get.

If you are in a monogamous relationship, an affair can take a toll.

  • Forgiving your partner for cheating might feel impossible in the moment, but you can do it eventually if you both work hard on reinstating the trust in your relationship.

Seeking Validation

When you question your partner’s love, it can start to wear on them.

  • Feeling insecure about your relationship is fairly common, and it’s something all of us will feel at some point. However, getting that security is a wonderful thing, and feeling like you and your partner are healthy and stable can make you both much happier.
  • If your partner is the insecure one in the relationship, try to reassure them as much as possible, but encourage them to talk to a mental health professional, too. They may need to address some underlying issues before they can have a healthy relationship with you.

Lack of Appreciation

In long-term relationships, you might stop expressing your appreciation regularly.

  • For instance, you might say, “Hey, could we talk? I wanted to mention that I’m feeling a little taken for granted in our relationship. Can you make an effort to show that you appreciate all that I do for us?”

Couples often fight about someone overstepping their boundaries.

  • Jealousy can be tough to work out as a couple. If you need to, consider visiting a couple’s counselor for an outside opinion.
  • Keep in mind that sometimes we feel jealous for good reason. If your partner is doing things that make you uncomfortable, sit down with them and define the boundaries of your relationship again.

How many times has your partner wanted to have sex, but you didn’t?

  • For instance, you might say, “I need a little bit of romance to turn me on. Maybe start out by giving me a massage or cooking me dinner first.”
  • Sex can feel like a taboo subject, but talking about it can seriously improve you and your partners’ relationship.

This is one of the biggest things that couples tend to fight about.

  • Budgeting can be a very helpful tool to minimize money issues. Try sitting down with your partner and making a plan to set aside a certain amount each month.

Passive-Aggressiveness

Giving your partner the cold shoulder can feel good in the moment.

  • You can bring up any issues by saying something like, “Honey, I’ve been thinking a lot about what happened the other day and I can’t stop ruminating on it. Could we sit down and have a conversation?”
  • On the flip side, maybe your partner is the one being passive-aggressive. In that case, you can sit them down and say something like, “I can tell that you’re upset about something, and I really want to talk about it. Can you help me figure out how we can make this right?”

If you feel like you’re doing too much, you might get resentful.

  • You can start the conversation by saying something like, “Could we have a discussion about chores? I’d like to nail down who does what around the house every week. That way, we don’t have to argue about stuff not getting done.”

Feeling Ignored

Your partner might be distracted or not really listening to you.

  • For example, you might say, “How about during dinner, we leave our phones in the living room? I think it would be fun to take a break from technology once a day and have a nice conversation instead.”

Extended Family Relationships

Many people don’t get along with their partners’ parents.

  • For instance, if your partner’s parents always overstay their welcome, you might say something like, “This year, let's arrange for your parents to stay for only one week instead of two. I love their company, but I can’t handle houseguests for that long.”

Substance Use and Abuse

Drug and alcohol use can weaken any relationship.

  • You might say something like, “Honey, I’m a little worried about your drinking habits lately. It seems like you’re spending more and more time at the bar. Is everything okay?”

Expert Q&A

Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC

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  • ↑ Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC. Licensed Professional Counselor. Expert Interview. 27 October 2021.
  • ↑ https://ideas.ted.com/most-couples-need-to-be-fighting-more-not-less-heres-why-and-how-to-do-it/
  • ↑ https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/healthyliving/relationships-and-communication
  • ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4012696/
  • ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/infidelity/art-20048424
  • ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201401/the-9-most-common-relationship-mistakes
  • ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5380380/
  • ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/insight-is-2020/201303/how-couples-can-cope-different-libidos-sexual-desire
  • ↑ https://www.apa.org/topics/money/conflict
  • ↑ https://ideas.ted.com/how-to-split-the-chores-with-your-partner-minus-the-drama-and-fighting/
  • ↑ https://www.psychologicalscience.org/news/releases/how-smartphones-affect-relationships.html
  • ↑ https://www.aarp.org/home-family/friends-family/info-2021/getting-along-with-in-laws.html
  • ↑ https://www.aamft.org/Consumer_Updates/Substance_Abuse_and_Intimate_Relationships.aspx

About this article

Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC

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A Couples Therapist Explains the Most Common Relationship Problems — and How to Fix Them

A Couples Therapist Explains the Most Common Relationship Problems — and How to Fix Them

Even the most heated arguments don’t have to result in a breakup.

We can all agree: Relationships are hard. At their best, they make us feel complete and supported, but getting to that place of bliss — and staying there — is no easy feat.

It’s totally normal to experience ups and downs with your partner, but the important thing is how you handle the hardships. Willingness to confront problems head-on and be forthcoming about your own flaws, as well as your mate’s, is essential for long-lasting love. 

One of the most effective ways to achieve that is with the help of a couples therapist . A neutral third party with training in how our brains work can observe the things you’re too close to see yourself and help you better understand your partner. A therapist isn’t a referee who will decide who’s right, but they can offer practical tools to work on your recurring relationship woes.

For insight into the process, we spoke to Tamekis Williams, a Georgia-based clinical social worker and therapist and the founder of Real Life Solutions , who shares her favorite strategies for tackling the most common problems couples face.

What if I’m unsatisfied with our sex life?

There’s a lot to parse through when it comes to sex in committed relationships , and in her work with clients, Williams has seen many different ways it can become a point of contention. 

It’s common for the physical spark to begin to fade as the years go by and monotony creeps in. And for older couples, the way sex ebbs and flows over time is often less about emotion and more about their changing bodies. Menopause , medications , or procedures that limit mobility (like a hip replacement) can make it difficult to maintain an intimate relationship.

But struggles in the bedroom don’t discriminate by age. Having a baby or just the general chaos of juggling responsibilities at work and home may require couples to sacrifice spontaneity and schedule time for sensuality. Disagreements about money or even social media — something like “you keep liking her pictures,” Williams said — can also become roadblocks. And for many, sexual trauma in their past makes a physical connection deeply complicated.

So what can couples do to get their passion back? 

Williams helps clients through a process called sensate focus , which teaches partners to reacclimate themselves to shared physicality. “You start slow,” she said. “You start with touch and learning how to be intimate outside of the bedroom and get used to your partner’s hand on you again.”

It’s a three-stage process in which intercourse and orgasms don’t come into play until the end. The bulk of the work “is simply about reconnecting with touch, reconnecting with spending quality time together, reconnecting with building that emotional connection.”

Another strategy is charting a “ love map ,” a process in which couples ask one another everything from “What’s my shoe size?” to “What is my biggest fear?” Williams likes to amplify the results by turning it into a date night — “let’s get some food, let’s get some drinks, let’s get some lights dimmed and some music playing” — and gamifying it so each partner earns points for correct answers. 

She saw firsthand how effective this can be when one of her couples played this game the night before an appointment. The wife won, earning the prize of a massage from her husband the next morning.

“When they came in, they were like, ‘We’re so sorry, we’re a little late, but it’s your fault.’ I was like, ‘Excuse me?’” Williams said. “That massage ended up leading to intimacy, so they were late to the session because they were in session — at home.”

How can we move forward after infidelity? 

Once cheating happens, there’s an obvious question: Should you stay or leave? Williams said most clients who seek her help have already decided to stay, and they’re seeing a therapist to figure out how to repair the relationship and move forward.

But even with that resolve to work things out, the task is complicated. That’s because in most cases, infidelity is a symptom of deeper problems. At Williams’s practice, “I’ve only had two clients who said, ‘Honestly, I just [cheated] because the situation presented itself,’” she said.

Her strategy for unpacking that stew of pre-existing conflict is to focus her work on the five years that preceded the adultery, investigating the feelings of disillusionment and dissatisfaction that eventually bubbled up into unfaithful acts.

But the dynamic within the relationship is only part of the equation. Personal issues that color the way they interact with the world are always at play. For example: “We do have people who are people-pleasers and who seek validation from others, and sometimes that can create the environment for infidelity as well,” Williams said.

In cases like that, she often recommends individual therapy to sort through those external factors that aren’t directly influenced by one’s partner. Individual work is also helpful for the person who’s been cheated on, who may second-guess themselves as they internalize feelings of not being enough for their mate physically or emotionally.

Just as important as analyzing the past is preparing couples for what comes after infidelity — even years later.

“Oftentimes, the person who committed the infidelity, initially they’re sorry and they want to do whatever they can in order to heal their spouse, but then it gets to a point where it’s like, ‘OK, so when are we going to move past this?’ They may not understand their spouse is being triggered in different ways,” Williams said. “When it comes to healing, you have to stay open — not just right now, but even five years from now. If that third person just happens to show up, or something reminds that spouse of the infidelity, you have to still be just as endearing then as you are now.”

Why can’t we stop arguing about money? 

Each person’s highly specific relationship to money begins to form in early childhood, and fundamental differences in financial philosophies can have serious ramifications in relationships years later. It’s especially challenging when one partner comes from a family where money was always a worry.

“I’ve had a couple of clients where one of the spouses grew up in poverty, and they have a fear of returning to poverty,” Williams said. “So they will save every penny, to the point where the family doesn’t have the opportunity to live, meaning there are no family vacations , you’re barely getting out and doing family activities together. This person is just paying bills, taking care of the necessities, but no wants are being handled.”

Individual diagnoses also play a role in what happens to a couple’s cash. Williams has experience with clients whose bipolar disorder had financial implications. “Mania can show up in different ways,” she said. “For some people, it can be substance abuse, for some people it can be sex, and for some people, it can be spending.”

Differing strategies for saving or even something as simple as maintaining separate bank accounts can cause conflict, particularly when one person brings in more money than the other, leaving their mate with fewer personal funds once bills and collective household expenses are paid.

To sort through these issues, Williams puts the work on paper. She uses spreadsheets and budget handouts to help the couples understand their own finances and how they can move forward in tandem to align their visions. One of her favorite strategies uses “play cards” to create a concrete illustration of their discretionary income. 

“You have taken both of your checks, you’re putting it in one checking account, you’re paying your bills, you’re putting away savings, and whatever money is left, they divide that money onto their play cards, and then they can spend that money however they want,” she said.

Even if you’re lucky enough to avoid these problems, therapy can still help

You don’t have to have one of these issues — or any specific issue — to benefit from couples counseling. Williams says a deep and thoughtful assessment of not only a particular relationship but one’s history with love, in general, can make a world of difference in their interactions with their partner. 

“You have some couples who just want to be proactive and feel like, ‘You know what, I’ve never really had a committed relationship that worked,’ and so they just want to learn how to have a healthy relationship, how to communicate in a healthy way, how to be supportive,” she said.

Another increasingly popular approach is premarital therapy for couples who want help having an open dialogue to set the stage for a union that will last for decades. “They want to sit down and make sure that they’re compatible, that they are making the right decision,” Williams said.

No matter the reason for it, Williams says working with couples is one of the most rewarding parts of her practice because it allows her to experience the positive transformation that comes to partners who commit to truly understanding and supporting one another.

“I absolutely love couples therapy because I am a believer in love, and so I really love it when I watch my couples fight for their love and not be so quick to give up on it,” she said. 

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Love Engineer

  • Learn How to End Recurring Conflicts in Your Relationships

Learn How to End Recurring Conflicts in Your Relationships

The good news is, there are specific skills you can learn to dismantle arguments and help overcome power struggles in your relationships.

Instead of repeating old destructive relationship patterns,  you can learn how to end recurring conflict so that the trust is restored between the two of you – so you can safely connect with each other in a way that brings you CLOSER.

These Conscious Communication Skills work in ALL of your relationships in your life, not just in romantic relationships. Here’s the first one:

Ask Vs. Tell

Unless your intent is starting a fight,  when you’re sharing something with your partner, it’s best to stay away from any kind of communication that TELLS them what to do or how to be.

For example, it’s best to remove any statement starting with “you should…” from your vocabulary, because it often comes across as a covert attack. Even if you don’t mean it that way or you’re just trying to be helpful, it immediately puts your partner in the defensive mode.

Instead, try asking questions that begin with “how” or “what.”  Asking “how” or “what” questions can completely change the tone of a conversation. This works in all communication.

Rather than saying, “You should really do __________…” try, “How can I support you in getting this done?” or “What can we do to fix this?”

The first statement is likely to get a defensive response, while the second two statements come across as supporting, as though you’re facing the problem as a team.

You’ll want to steer away from “why” questions as well  – because unless you’re genuinely interested, they can cause your partner to feel interrogated.

Questions such as, “Why haven’t you washed the dishes yet?” or “Why aren’t you ready to leave yet?” can also lead to defensiveness, and what you want to do is remove that defensiveness.

If you want to discover the true motivation behind your partner’s words, actions, or feelings – instead of asking, “Why are you feeling that way?” try something like, “Would you be willing to share with me why you’re feeling that way?” Instead of causing your partner to become defensive, you’re now working WITH them.

Own vs. Divert

When we’re feeling defensive, we tend to want to divert blame  away from ourselves, and often onto our partner. Even if we’re in the wrong, we can still do this because  our brains are hardwired to want to be “right.”

When we’re diverting the blame, we often use sentences starting with “you.” This is the verbal equivalent of pointing the blame directly at the other person.

Statements such as, “You drive me crazy” or “You make me so angry when you do that” will cause your partner to immediately go on the defensive.

The way to stop diverting is to start connecting with and OWNING  your experience. Instead of saying, “You make me so angry when you do that” – try simply saying, “I feel angry right now.”

When you take responsibility for what you’re experiencing in the moment, you can get the same message across  without making your partner responsible for your feelings.

It may sound simple, but this is one of the most challenging communication skills for people to learn – it’s counter-intuitive to the way that our brains are wired.

When you take the time to get in touch with what you’re feeling  and share your experience in the moment, your partner can actually HEAR you and will be much less likely to get defensive. This is essential to opening the lines of communication.

And Vs. But

“But” is a powerful word.  When you say the word “but” – you basically negate everything you said right before it.

For example, when you say things like, “I love you but I need some time to myself right now” what your partner actually hears is, “I don’t really love you.”

“I love you AND I need some time to myself right now” is much softer, and it doesn’t negate the fact that you love them.

These skills take some practice,  and they can really change your relationship and your life when you learn how to use them correctly!

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women relationship expert

As a Certified Life and Relationship Coach   with a masters degree in Psychology from Pepperdine University – and a Master Coach Teacher for Rori Raye – Helena understands the challenges of balancing the masculine energies used in work with the feminine energies necessary for success in dating and relationships. Helena helps women all over the world turn their relationship patterns around so they can attract more love into their lives. Whether you’re recently single or you’ve been single for years – or you’re in a relationship that seems to be going nowhere – Helena can help you quickly and permanently turn your love life around. For more free dating and relationship advice, visit  helenahartcoaching.com . You can instantly download your FREE eBook copy of  “3 Keys To Attract The Man You Want” and book a FREE 30-minute coaching session with Helena through her website.

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Amazing blog! I think its very important for couples to remember to think about how they talk to each other, especially in recurring arguments.

Dani – Thank you!! I absolutely agree and I’m glad this was helpful for you!

Love, Helena

This is brilliant. I love everything point of the writing. I honestly, never read sure amazing writing article as this. Helena, you write with so much of passion. I can feel emotions of every word. Beautiful.

Where can I read more of your work?

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Relationships

The real reason you can’t “fix” your relationship problems.

Pat Love

by Pat Love

When you first fell in love with your partner, you probably thought they were perfect for you.

You felt so loved, so supported, so SEEN.

They wanted nothing more than to see you happy, and vice-versa.

So, you made a commitment to each other and looked forward to a long and happy life together.

But since then, maybe things have not been so peachy.

Something has changed, because you have these recurring arguments and conflicts that you didn’t have when your relationship was new.

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For example:

He’s not proactive about helping out enough around the house, no matter how much you bring it up.

She isn’t being responsible with money, or her career, or her health, and you worry about the future.

He spends all his free time watching TV, sports, or on his hobbies instead of wanting to spend it with you.

She flies off the handle at you and makes everything into a big drama.

He just does his thing or makes major decisions without checking in with you first.

You’ve brought this up with your partner numerous times .

They apologize, get defensive, blame you or tell you “this is just the way I am.”

Things don’t seem to get better , or resolved, no matter how much you talk about it or express your disappointment and anger.

You don’t feel respected or supported in your marriage. In fact, you feel pretty much alone.

Your partner doesn’t seem to want to change or do better, and you’ve become resigned to the fact that this is now your reality.

Nothing will ever change , and your life will be this way forever .

But a new question has started to surface in your mind lately:

You Know There’s Something Fundamentally Wrong With Your Marriage, But What?

What’s really wrong with your marriage?

Is it that you failed to see that you had fallen in love with a person who was brought up differently than you were, and that’s why they don’t want to help out more around the house, or be more frugal with money?

Is it that you were different people when you met, and you’ve both changed ?

Maybe you used to love going downtown to try new restaurants, see shows or to go dancing, but now you’re content to stay home and relax, while your partner goes out with friends.

Couple struggling to connect

Is it that you’ve stopped being interested in each other? Your partner used to love having long, intimate conversations with you, but barely seems interested in what you have to say anymore.

Is it that passion wanes with time? And that’s why you haven’t touched each other in months?

Is your marriage unhappy because you’ve had to pick your battles for too long, or suppress your own needs and feelings?

If you think any of these kinds of thoughts, chances are, you’re going to be resigned to a life of disappointment and loneliness .

You’ll probably ask yourself why you picked THIS person , or whether it was the right decision to marry them.

You’re either good together, or you’re not .

And no amount of talking, working on it or compromising is going to make things better.

I can see how you might believe that.

But what if I told you that based on my 40+ years of clinical experience as a couple’s counselor and therapist, most likely, you’re incorrect ?

Most People Misdiagnose The Cause Of Their Relationship Problems

When I used to have a private practice, couples would come to me all the time complaining of a myriad of problems. Problems much like the ones I mentioned earlier in this article: Not being helping out enough, not being supportive enough, acting selfish and inconsiderate, being too absent from the marriage, making threats to leave or acting irresponsibly.

Almost all of the couples wanted me to validate them in some way—take sides, in other words, so they could feel they were “right,” and their partner was the one in the “wrong.”

Sometimes they would be so fed up with their partner that they wanted me to agree that it was hopeless , because they probably married the wrong person .

But I couldn’t do that.

Couple feeling connected

I couldn’t do that because what I saw almost each and every time was that what they thought was their problem wasn’t the REAL problem.

They had been focused on the smaller problems that they failed to see the much bigger, broader issue in their relationship.

Whatever the details of their “problem,” the real problem was that there was a fundamental flaw in their “operating system” as a couple.

And NO, it wasn’t that the problems were impossible to fix or that they ended up with the wrong partner.

Because what I knew, from both my clinical experience and from scouring thousands of pages of research on relationships, is that almost ALL problems fall within 5 major areas.

And these are areas, or “systems” that can be addressed and resolved, but not in the usual way that couples were going about it. Not through incessant arguments, talking it to death, stonewalling, criticizing or blaming.

That’s because it’s not about solving the smaller problems, it’s about addressing the flaw in how you and your partner behave , how you organize your relationship, and the underlying assumptions you make about how a relationship should function.

Therefore, the way to get underneath all your problems, and transform your marriage from the inside out is to address the underlying bigger issue, and from that, all your smaller, annoying “problems” will stop destroying your relationship.

Don’t worry, there’s a simple way to do this, and I can show you how.

How To Transform Your Marriage From The Inside Out And Feel Loved, Supported, And Seen Again

You’re not doomed to spend the rest of your life with a partner that can’t make you happy, just because you have problems that never get better.

That’s because there’s a way to get a brand-new perspective on what your problems are, and take steps to transform your relationship.

Once you and your partner get that perspective, your entire marriage shifts in a positive direction.

You begin to work together toward common goals, you stopped bickering over the small stuff, and you made choices that are in alignment with the greater vision for their marriage.

I spent my 40+ year career as a clinical practitioner in marriage and family therapy, and I’ve heard many couples say that they thought they had married the wrong person, or that their relationship was broken because their partner had changed.

Once I helped these couples realize that that wasn’t the case, and instead there was a different—but fixable—underlying issue in their marriage, they were very much relieved.

Joyful couple dancing

That’s when they realized that instead of going around in circles trying to solve these “symptoms,” all they need to do is address the relationship system to effectively solve this issue .

When couples learn what’s really behind relationship dissatisfaction and conflicts, such as not feeling seen and heard, not getting enough help with household chores, feeling bored or dissatisfied in the relationship, or intense, dramatic fighting, they experience a huge “AHA.”

They finally see WHY what they’ve been doing to solve their problem hasn’t worked.

When they learn what they REALLY need to do instead, they finally have hope that they can create an equitable, fun and supportive relationship that lasts .

But if you can’t see what’s really wrong, it’s nearly impossible to know what to do to fix it. That’s why I’ve partnered with Flourish , so I can extend that help and guidance to as many people as possible, since almost all couples can benefit from these insights and tips.

When you subscribe to our FREE Relationship Advice Newsletter , you get access to more articles like these, from an accomplished community of carefully selected experts (like me!).

You’ll also learn:

  • How to transform your marriage from the inside-out, and feel loved, supported and seen again, even if your relationship has been strained for years.You’ll learn how to do this using specially-designed questionnaires, quizzes and simple exercises.
  • Specific things you can do to strengthen your relationship, even if your partner is not on board, or you can’t seem to be able to discuss your needs or concerns with them right now.
  • Get specific tips on how to improve your connection with your partner without having to engage in long, drawn-out discussions or even couples’ therapy.
  • What to do if you feel you’ve grown apart, lost passion, or have been together but living separate lives, and how to feel “in love” again using tools and techniques that will bring you close again.

Simply enter your name and email address in the box at the upper left or at the bottom of this page, and you’ll get all this plus much, much more.

It’s free , it’s easy , and you’ll be amazed at what a difference the tips and insights will make in your relationship!

Don’t give up on your marriage before you learn everything you can about what’s really wrong, and do everything you can to make it right.

I promise you; you won’t regret it.

May you have an extraordinary day,

Pat Love

P.S. “Date Nights” don’t work.

Have you experienced this? They don’t work to bring you closer long-term. They don’t fix the problems you have in your relationship, and they do nothing to make you feel more alive when you’re back at home together. At least, not unless you know what underlying flaws in your marriage are causing you to even WANT a “date night”.

What works is to find ways to inject more aliveness into your relationship without having to hire a babysitter or reserve a table at an expensive restaurant. I’ll teach you many ways of doing that—don’t wait, sign up now:

Fall Deeply In Love All Over Again

We take your privacy very seriously. Disclaimer : Results will vary, and you should not use this information as a substitute for help from a licensed professional.

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30 Common Relationship Problems and Solutions

Jeannie Sytsma, AMFT, works for Relationship Reality 312 in downtown Chicago. At this highly-respected private practice she works mainly with couples who are experiencing... Read More

Sylvia Smith shares insights on love revitalization and conscious living. She believes purposeful actions can transform relationships into happier, healthier ones.

couple sitting and talking to each other

In This Article

Even the best of relationships run into problems sometimes. You’re both tired from work, or the kids are in trouble at school, or your in-laws are getting on your last nerve…you know how it goes.

Life throws all kinds of challenges at a relationship, from relocation to redundancy to illness. No wonder problems arise in even the strongest relationships.

To keep a relationship running smoothly, it is important to solve marriage problems before they snowball into bigger relationship problems.

When do relationships start to have common relationship problems?

For some, however, that phase of love eventually fades. As time passes and both parties of the relationship make their fair share of mistakes, what was once intoxicating becomes intolerable.

Much of the common relationship issues that couples face are minor and can easily be avoided with mutual effort, understanding and respect. Although bumps along the path of marriage are unavoidable, if you are aware of them beforehand, you will be able to overcome them without leading your relationship to the verge of collapse.

None of us are perfect, nor will we exactly be the same on every level.

Some character flaws, on the other hand, will be natural and acceptable. But if there are behaviors, perhaps a little lie here or an indiscretion there, it’s essential to consider that on a grander scale as the relationship progresses.

Is that an ongoing problem you want to work through continually, or does that constitute a deal-breaker? Something to consider.

10 causes of common relationship issues

What can destroy a relationship ? Many of the problems couples come to me for, seem to stem from issues that either cause or intensify their problems. But once couples learn how to address these two issues, everything else seems to start falling into place also.

Check out these causes of common relationship issues or issues behind relationship problems before understanding ways to solve common relationship problems:

Expectations

One of the fastest ways to create unhappiness and instability in a relationship is through disappointment. And very few things create disappointment as quickly as unmet expectations.

But, there are typically two common relationship problems with expectations in a relationship:

  • unrealistic expectations
  • unclear expectations

Oftentimes, couples struggle to meet each other’s expectations because they are simply unrealistic. It’s important to understand that our expectations often derive from other people, past experiences, beliefs, or internal values. But, that doesn’t change the fact that they are sometimes very toxic to our relationship. 

Alternatively, couples sometimes struggle to meet each other’s expectations because they simply don’t know what the other one expects from them or in their relationship. 

Now, maybe you are pretty certain about what YOU expect from your relationship and your partner, but that doesn’t mean that your partner can read your mind, which means they most likely have no clue what you expect. 

If you want to avoid unhappiness in your relationship, it is your responsibility to be very clear about your expectations and share those with your partner. 

If in doing so, you come to realize that some of your expectations might be slightly unrealistic, or even impossible to meet, you might want to review where that expectation comes from and what is more important – being unrealistic or being happy.

2. Communication

One of the most common relationship issues that couples face is communication. There is often either a complete absence of communication, constant miscommunication , or very poor communication. The end result is almost always frustration, unhappiness, and unmet needs. Many times the root cause of the communication issue is in “interpretation.” 

You misunderstand what the other person is saying and spend too much time and energy arguing a point your partner never intended. It’s a futile exercise. It is, therefore, essential to take the time to fully comprehend what your partner is trying to say. 

Also, if you’re the one talking, it’s important to make sure you’re communicating clearly and exactly what you mean so that your partner can understand. You need to recognize the fact that their perspective is not the same as yours.

Their experiences, points of view, and even baggage are not the same as yours. But good communication demands empathy. It’s to see the world through their eyes as much as possible and then treat them the way that you would treat yourself.

3. Unsupportive partner

Another common relationship problem occurs when a partner is unsupportive of goals and interests. When you are in a relationship, you want to treat your partner like they can be whatever they want to be. 

You want them to follow their dreams and will do anything you can to help support them along the way – and you expect the same in return!

4. Finances

One of the most common relationship problems couples will admit to are troubles in the relationship with finances. Not having enough money or not knowing how to split your financial burdens , as well as loss of jobs, a lack of money, poor money management, debt, and overspending are all common issues that can put pressure on relationships.

Discuss your finances when your relationship gets serious, and be honest about any debt you may have. Rely on one another if money gets tight and never stop communicating.

5. Cheating and other forms of infidelity

Cheating is a huge issue in relationships today. The internet has made all forms of cheating as simple as downloading an app. Sexting, emotional affairs , porn, sneaking around, and physical relationships with someone other than your romantic partner are all huge issues that damage relationships, sometimes irreversibly.

Infidelity is a hard subject to broach with your romantic partner, but it is in the best interest of your relationship to let your partner know when you are emotionally or physically checking out. You owe it to yourself to give your relationship another shot. Get your issues out in the open either with date nights or regular honest communication or seek couples counseling to help mend your relationship.

6. Not enough time spent alone

Some of the common relationship problems involve not spending enough time alone together. This is especially true for couples who have children. Between work and family obligations, you sometimes feel more like roommates than romantic partners . This is because you have stopped ‘dating’ one another. Such circumstances can make a romantic partner feel unappreciated, unattractive, and emotionally frustrated.

Call up your favorite babysitter and establish a child-free date night once a week with your spouse. This allows you to reconnect as a couple instead of as parents. Go on dates and treat one another like you’re still trying to woo each other.

Boredom is a common problem in long-term relationships. Being with the same person for many years can seem to take the ‘spark’ out of your union. You may also feel you have outgrown one another. Don’t despair or give up. 

You can reverse this feeling by looking for new ways to connect with your partner. Look for new things to do together such as travel or take up a hobby. This will help you bond over something fun and exciting.

8. Sexual intimacy

As the years go by and your relationship becomes seasoned, there will likely be a point where your sexual flame will dim. There could be a multitude of reasons as to why you or your partners in sex has dwindled, but no matter what the cause is, this decrease in sexual intimacy tends to cause common relationship issues.

In order to avoid such problems, there are a few important things that you should consider:

  • As you spend more and more time with someone, the act of sex becomes predictable. In most cases, the more predictable the sex, the less fun it is to have. Think about your favorite movie for a second. When you first saw it, you were enthralled. You watched it over and over again, enjoying every viewing. 

But after 10, 20, or 30 times seeing the same plotline play out, you only pulled it out for special occasions. Your sex life is just like that favorite movie. So, spice things up . Your favorite movie’s plotline is set in stone. The plotline between you and your spouse’s sexual experience can be changed any time you want it to. 

Get creative, get ambitious, and understand that it’s not the other person’s fault. It’s just that, although you enjoy having sex, it’s just the same thing over and over again. Try something new today.

  • Your expectations for your sex life may be a bit unrealistic. As your sex life loses steam, you likely are replacing more love and appreciation in the void left behind. Instead of harping on the lack of sex you’re having , take a moment and be grateful for the person you get to lay your head down next to.

9. The anger habit

The anger habit soon gets ingrained, and before you know it, you’re spending a large chunk of time fighting with your partner.

Think about it – if someone is angry and shouting at you, how likely are you to listen carefully and look for a solution?

Most people, understandably, react to anger with either anger or fear.

10. Not consulting each other

Let your partner know that they are a priority to you by consulting them before you make decisions.

Big decisions like whether to take a new job or move to a new city are obvious life choices that should be discussed with your spouse.

But don’t forget to include them in smaller decisions such as who picks up the kids tonight, making plans with friends for the weekend, or whether you eat dinner together or grab something for yourself.

10 signs of relationship problems that hurt the most

All relationships have their highs and lows, even the happiest of ones. There is no escaping them, and if not dealt with accurately, they can lead your relationships towards absolute chaos and destruction.

Here are 10 signs your relationship is having problems:

  • You both spend less amount of time together
  • There is minimal communication
  • You both are critical of each other
  • One partner indicates that the relationship is not going well
  • Differences of opinions are criticized than worked upon
  • You both are always defensive in front of each other
  • You both have stopped discussing long-term plans
  • You set other priorities over your relationship
  • Maintaining the relationship feels like a duty
  • You are happier when they are not around and vice versa

30 relationship problems and solutions

Now, how to solve relationship issues?  

Common relationship issues are not hard to solve; all you need for that is a strong will to work on your relationship issues, and love , of course.

Here are some common marriage problems and the solutions for how to resolve your relationship problems that you should know about.

When wondering about how to solve relationship problems, it can be useful to read first and then bring the conversation up about how to handle relationship problems with your partner.

1. Lack of trust

Lack of trust is a major problem in any relationship.

Lack of trust isn’t always related to infidelity – it can rear its head any time. If you find yourself constantly doubting your partner or wondering if they’re truthful with you, it’s time to tackle your trust issues together .

Relationship problems will keep mushrooming when there is a dearth of trust in a relationship.

Solution : 

Be consistent and trustworthy. Each of you should make an effort to be where you say you’re going to be and do what you say you’re going to do. This is one of the best solutions to marriage problems.

Call when you say you’ll call. Never lie to your partner. Showing empathy and respect for your partner’s feelings also helps to build trust.

2. Overwhelm

When life gets too much, you get overwhelmed. Maybe you’re in the midst of going after a promotion at work. Maybe they’re dealing with a troubled teenage son or daughter.

Whatever the reason, your relationship soon takes a back seat. Then relationship problems keep building up.

Solution: 

Talk to each other about what’s happening, and about what kind of support each of you needs .   Lean on each other instead of getting so caught up in other issues that they drive a wedge between you. 

Figure out together a time that will be just for you two.

3. Poor communication

Poor communication leads to misunderstandings, fights, and frustration. It also leads to one or both of you feeling unheard and invalidated and can quickly build into resentment and other common relationship issues.

Communication is a skill like any other, and learning it can make all the difference to your relationship. Learn how to listen without judging or interrupting, and how to get your point across without attacking.

Communicate with each other as friends, not combatants. Figure out what your communication style is and how compatible it is with your partner.

Work your way towards the solution by understanding what communication style would work better for both of you.

Also watch:

4. Not prioritizing each other

It’s so easy to take your partner for granted , especially when you have a lot of things going on. Before you know it, the only time you get together is over a hurried family dinner or while trying to get out the door in the morning.

Make time for each other every single day. No matter how busy you are, carve out fifteen or thirty minutes; that’s just for the two of you to talk and spend quiet time together.

Text regularly throughout the day. Add in a weekly date night to make sure your partner knows they’re your priority.

5. Money stress

Money is a leading cause of stress in relationships .  Maybe there’s not enough. Or maybe there is enough, but they spend it while you prefer to save. Perhaps you feel they’re too tight with the purse strings.

Whatever the issue, money can quickly cause problems.

One of the tips to fix old relationship issues regarding finances is to put those good communication skills to work here and have a serious talk about money. Figure out a budget that you both agree on and stick to it.

Work out a financial plan for your future and take steps towards it together. Make crystal clear agreements and keep them.

6. Changing priorities

We all change as we move through life. Maybe you were both ambitious once, but now you’d rather live a quiet life. Perhaps your partner is no longer enthusiastic about your shared dream of buying a house by the sea.

Changing priorities can cause a lot of conflicts.

Look for what you both still have in common while allowing your partner to change and grow. Embrace who they are now instead of pining for the past.

If you have different priorities about major lifestyle issues, l ook for common ground, and compromise that you are both happy with.

7. Chore wars

It’s easy to lose your temper when it feels like you’re the one taking out the trash for the hundredth time in a row, or you get home from overtime to find the house is a tip. Chore wars are a leading cause of conflict in relationships .

Agree together on who is responsible for what, and stick to it—factor in a little flexibility for when one of you is much busier than usual.

If you both have different ideas of what constitutes a neat home, it might be time for a little compromise.

8. Different intimacy needs

Problems with your sex life are stressful and can have a big impact on your relationship. If one of you isn’t happy or you’re finding you have widely different intimacy needs, it’s time for a serious talk.

Carve out time for intimacy. Arrange for someone else to take the kids once a week, or make the most of any time you have alone at home together.

Sex keeps you feeling physically and emotionally close, so make sure you are both happy with your sex life .

9. Lack of appreciation

It doesn’t come as a surprise to you that bad bosses compel good workers to quit ? Up to 75% quit their job not because of the position itself, but because of their boss who never expressed appreciation.

Being taken for granted is one of the fundamental reasons for breakups.

Appreciation is what keeps us motivated and committed, both in our work and our relationships.

Remembering to compliment or notice the things our partner shows, we are grateful and increases the overall satisfaction with the relationship. Saying thank you goes a long way.

10. Children

Having kids is a blessing, but it requires a lot of dedication and effort. This can cause a strain on the relationship when partners disagree on the way they want to raise children, address problems that occur, and spend family time.

Solution:  

Talk to your partner about why they think something should be done differently and share your reasoning. Often, we are repeating or trying to avoid patterns we were raised by.

Get together and spend some time understanding where the need to do things a certain way is coming from. When you understand, you can change and create a new way to parent that works for your family.

11. Overinvolvement

When we find the person, we love we want to share everything with them and to have them do the same. However, this can lead to feelings of losing one’s individuality, feeling of freedom, and a sense of accomplishment.

What does it take for you to be your own person while being their partner? Think of areas that you want to keep to yourself that give you a feeling of achievement and freedom.

It might be a hobby or doing sports. Talk to your partner so they don’t feel rejected by this new change and introduce it gradually.

12. Infidelity

What each of us defines as infidelity and where we draw the line can differ. Infidelity means various things to different people. Infidelity can encompass, besides the sexual act, flirting, sexting or kissing.

When infidelity has occurred, trust is broken, and a person can feel betrayed. This can snowball into many other issues and problems.

Talking about what infidelity is for you and your partner is important. They may hurt you inadvertently because, for example, they don’t find flirting a problem.

When something has already occurred, there is a choice to be made. A couple can try to regain trust and rebuild or end the relationship . In case the first one is chosen, seeking professional help can be a wise decision.

Figuring out marriage challenges and solutions and learning how to work out relationship problems is much more productive with counseling .

13. Significant differences

When there is a critical difference in core values, the way partners approach life, and challenges, issues are bound to happen.

For example, it might be that they are more spontaneous or hedonistic, while you plan more and save rather than spend. Nonetheless, if your views and expectations from life differ considerably, you are bound to argue.

When there are core dissimilarities between you, you might wonder if you are suited for each other. The answer is – it depends. What kind of change would you both need to undertake for this relationship to survive?

Are you willing you make that change, and how much will it “cost” you? If you decide you can and want to change, by all means, give it a go. This is the only way you will know if the change is enough for this relationship to succeed.

14. Jealousy

You might be in a happy relationship for a long time before noticing the first signs of jealousy. They might act fine at first but slowly change.

They start asking for your whereabouts, distrusting you, checking up on you, distancing or stifling you, and demonstrating concern about your affection towards them.

Often this behavior is a reflection of previous experiences that were triggered by something that happened in the current relationship.

Both partners need to make an effort. If your partner is jealous, try to be transparent, predictable, honest, and share. Give them time to get to know you and trust you.

However, for this to be solved, they need to make a separate effort to change their anticipations and work out their concerns. There is a difference between privacy and secrecy, and this line needs to be redrawn.

15. Unrealistic expectations

If you are human, you have unrealistic expectations ; no one is free of them. Nowadays, we might expect our partner to play many major roles: the best friend, trusted companion, business partner, lover, etc.

We might expect our partner to know what we want without saying it, advocate fairness at all times, or strive to change the other into what you desire them to be.

This can lead to misunderstandings, repeated quarrels, and misfortune.

If you want to solve a problem, you need to comprehend it first. Ask yourself – what is it that you feel entitled to? If you could wave a magic wand and change things, how would the new, pink reality look like?

What are you doing at the moment that you feel could get you there?

When you grasp what you are expecting to happen, but reality and your partner are depriving you of it, you can start to look for ways to ask differently or ask for different wishes.

16. Growing apart

So many things on the task list, and there is only one of you. How long ago did you stop including things to do with your partner on that list? Drifting apart happens bit by bit, and we don’t notice.

You might wake up one morning and realize you can’t remember the last time you had sex, a date, or a conversation that is more than organizational.

A relationship is like a flower, and it can not blossom without nourishment. When you notice the signs, it is time to act. It will take time to cross the distance that has been created, but it is possible.

Prioritize your time together, bring back old habits and activities you did together, laugh, and take time to reconnect.

17. Lack of support

When life hits us hard, we cope with it the best we know. However, often our coping skills are not enough, and we need support. Lack of support from a partner can lead to feelings of loneliness, anxiety, and feeling overwhelmed.

Long-lasting lack of support also affects the way we value the relationship we are in, and satisfaction drops significantly.

If you don’t ask, the answer is certainly “no.” Talking about what we need and what we can provide can clear the air of unrealistic expectations.

Unspoken and unfulfilled needs lead to negative beliefs about the relationship.

Understanding what our partner can provide helps adjust what we come to them for and look for alternative sources of support while our partner works on becoming one of the main pillars of encouragement and comfort again.

18. Addiction

Substance addiction can put a serious strain on a relationship.

Partner’s addiction can cause a significant effect on the family budget, cause many arguments, increase trust issues, cause ignorance and neglect of children and other family members, and impair overall relationship happiness.

Couple problems can be worked out with couples therapy . Counseling can be enormously helpful as it helps both partners deal with the issues arising simultaneously.

Understanding what triggers prompt addiction and building new habits as a couple promotes healthier ways of addressing problems. Individual therapy is recommended as well for both partners.

It can help understand the roots and patterns leading to addiction, and provide support to the non-addicted partner.

19. Moving at different speeds

Do you find yourself in a current relationship uncomfortable with the speed the relationship is progressing?

You might find your new partner moving more rapidly, wanting to spend more time together, constantly calling or texting, wanting to go away together, or you meeting their family?

Alternatively, you could be in a relationship that is not progressing the way you hoped it would, and the milestones you desired are not being reached.

When you and your partner need different speeds and intensities of intimacy and commitment , you may argue.

This can lead to becoming terribly upset over seemingly little things, pulling away, and questioning whether this person is for you.

Don’t sweep things under the rug rather address what is happening. Avoiding problems is not the best relationship solution.

What kind of reassurance or demonstration of love would bring you back on the same level? How are your needs different, and what can each of you do to find the middle ground?

20. Lack of responsibility

When one of the partners avoids taking responsibility, it can cause severe damage to the partnership. Money struggles, child neglect, fighting over chores, or playing the blame game can happen daily.

One of the most detrimental factors to the relationship is a significantly uneven distribution of responsibility amongst partners.

When addressing this issue, the first thing to do is to stop the blaming game. If change is to occur, you need to look forward, not backward. If the change is to be long-lasting, it needs to happen gradually.

Overwhelming a partner to make up for all this time of dodging responsibilities will just prove they were right to steer clear of them.

Give forgiving a shot as it has been linked to relationship success . Also, agree on the pace of change and the first things to share accountability for.

21. Controlling behavior

Controlling behavior happens when one of the partners expects the other to behave in certain ways, even at the expense of the wellbeing of the other partner.

This kind of toxic behavior deprives the other partner’s freedom, confidence, and a sense of self-worth.

Controlling behavior is a learned pattern of behavior from primary family or previous relationships.

At one point in life, this was beneficial for the controlling partner, and they need to learn to express affection differently. Speak up, set boundaries and adhere to them, and, if possible, try couples counseling.

22. Boredom

All relationships undergo periods of fun and boredom. However, when the feeling of monotony and apathy color, most of the days, it is time to react.

Allowing to fall into a daily routine and go with the flow can lead to decreased libido and overall satisfaction with the relationship .

Think back to the honeymoon phase and recall the things you did as a newly formed couple. What is available from that list today, and what do you still feel you could enjoy?

Make a conscious decision to add spontaneity into the relationship to start the upward spiral to a more eventful relationship.

23. Outside Influences

All couples are exposed to outside influences and opinions on how things should be done.

Some influences are benign, like grandparents’ occasional babysitting, while others can be detrimental, like disapproval of one spouse by the family or friends of the other.

Your relationship comes first, and everyone else’s opinion is secondary. Show each other support and that you are a united front against the world.

To resist the influence, you can limit the amount of time spent with or personal information you share with the family members or friends trying to impact you.

Marital problems and solutions may appear quite similar on the outside, but no one knows better than you what you need to make it work.

24. Ineffective argument

Arguments are a part of every relationship. However, the way fights are led, and what is their outcome can have a big impact on the relationship.

Disagreement can be helpful or destructive, depending on what you do with them. Having the same fight over and over, losing your temper, or saying things you regret later is bound to make you feel it’s not worth it.

After an argument, you should feel you have made progress in understanding where your partner is coming from.

A good fight is one after which you have agreed on what can be the first step both will take to resolve the issue. Start by listening to hear the other side, not only by waiting for your turn.

Research together ways to fight better and only ever focus on the next step needed to take.

25. Keeping a scoreboard

When you keep blaming and recalling mistakes each of you has made, you are keeping a virtual scoreboard of each other’s faults. If being right is more important than being with the other person, the relationship is doomed.

This leads up to a build-up of guilt, anger, and bitterness and doesn’t solve any problems.

Deal with each problem separately unless they are legitimately connected. Focus on the problem at hand and speak your mind. Don’t let it build up and mention it months later.

Decide if you want to save the relationship and if you do, learn to accept the past as is and start focusing on where to go from here.

26. Life gets in the way

In a relationship, it’s usually the priority to nurture and develop the connection. When life is a persistent inconvenience, it means one or both of you were not necessarily ready to get involved, and that can happen. 

Unexpected encounters with another person occur all the time. But when they do, it’s essential to allow it to flourish- placing it first over the chaos.

When the two of you notice you put the union on the back burner, it’s time to make a conscious effort with reprioritizing the other person regardless of your day-to-day situation to battle the new relationship struggles.

27. Trust is critical from the very beginning

Every relationship has problems, but when you first connect, you don’t want to go in with the idea that you can’t trust the other person. If this is baggage from a past relationship , that’s unfair and self-defeating for any new partnership. 

If your new partner made a promise and then lied to get out of it, that will create mistrust early on. That’s tough to get back. In an effort to do so, one piece of advice on relationship problems is that there needs to be much transparency and commitment in keeping your word moving forward.

28. You can readjust goals at a moment’s notice

Perhaps in the first few weeks of dating, your life goals appear to be similar, but a profound life circumstance changes your perspective on where you see yourself in the future or maybe your mate’s.

The change is not in keeping with what the two of you discussed. In this situation, you can find a way to get your partner to see things from your point of view, or the partnership won’t be possible.

These are the kinds of issues in relationships that are difficult to overcome. Often differences in life goals are deal-breakers.

29. A kind word here or there

New relationship problems can include a lack of manners in numerous ways. Pleasantries like telling someone they look nice or saying thank you, or expressing how much you appreciate something they’ve done wane after a few dates. 

It shouldn’t—unfortunately, comfortability and taking a partner for granted set in quickly. If you notice this early on, say something, but also make sure to lead by example. Be the first to tell your mate these things often.

30. Notice continued bad behaviors with a new relationship

You’ll know you have early relationship problems if your mate is continuously on their phone when you’re together. That’s incredibly rude behavior for anyone when they’re with other people for any reason, let alone being on a date or in the early stages of a partnership . 

The focus should be on time spent with each other since free time is precious with the world’s hectic pace. When this happens at the start of a partnership, it won’t get better with time. It needs to be addressed and stopped to strengthen your union ultimately.

Relationships are marathons

Most relationship problems and ways of fixing relationship problems would be something that you must have heard about or experienced; still, when it comes to utilizing this common knowledge, not everyone is thorough with the implementation.

It’s not difficult to answer “how to solve marriage problems,” and there is plenty of advice on relationship issues and solutions.

However, when it comes to solving marriage issues and relationship issues advice, everything boils down to effort and implementation.

These common problems in relationships are not completely avoidable, and every couple runs into some of them at one point.

The good news is, working on relationship problems can produce a considerable difference and get your relationship back on track, free from all relationship difficulties.

Be creative, don’t give up on each other, and you will reach the solution.

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Sylvia Smith loves to share insights on how couples can revitalize their love lives in and out of the bedroom. As a writer at Marriage.com, she is a big believer in living consciously and encourages couples to adopt this principle Read more in their lives too. Sylvia believes that every couple can transform their relationship into a happier, healthier one by taking purposeful and wholehearted action. Read less

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Many relationship problems stem from having unrealistic expectations of a romantic relationship.

Popular culture, such as TV shows, movies, and music, often inundates us with unhelpful messages about love and relationships.

They lead us to believe that we will be complete if we find the right person and all our negative feelings will disappear.

Consequently, many people enter into romantic relationships expecting their partner to fulfill all their emotional needs.

When their partner fails to meet those expectations, it leads to deep disappointment and hurt .

Talk to your partner about your expectations

Often, we have expectations that we don’t express.

When our partner fails to meet them, we feel disappointed and may question the relationship.

To prevent early relationship problems, practice effective marriage communication with your partner.

During these conversations, determine which expectations of each other are realistic and which may be unreasonable.

Discussing your expectations openly helps prevent overthinking about what your romantic partner is or isn’t doing and ensures that you are on the same page about the agreements for the relationship.

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The Biggest Relationship Problems Couples Therapists See Over and Over Again

By Jenna Ryu

Graphic of two people discussing relationship problems for couples therapy

All products featured on SELF are independently selected by our editors. However, when you buy something through our retail links, we may earn an affiliate commission.

Disagreements and other tense moments (ahem, biting your partner’s head off ) are normal in healthy relationships. Rough patches, too, are par for the course, especially if you’ve been together for a long time. But what kinds of issues warrant a visit to a couples therapist ?

The truth is, all types of relationships can get something out of therapy, Svea Wentzler, MA , a pre-licensed marriage and family therapist at A Better Life Therapy in Philadelphia, tells SELF. “It’s a safe and private place to explore what is and isn’t working,” Wentzler says. Plus, “it can be hard to hear feedback from your partners or friends, and a third-party expert can point out patterns you may not even be aware of,” she adds.

Besides the whole “saving a dying relationship” cliché, there are plenty of other situations that can lead people to call in a pro. Here, seven couples therapists share a common issue they see in their sessions.

1. The trust is gone.

It’s probably no surprise that losing trust is a biggie. “Infidelity has been the most common issue I’ve worked with,” Alyssa Calderon, LMFT , a couples counselor at North Brooklyn Marriage and Family Therapy in New York City, tells SELF. “Understandably, people panic after learning about a physical or emotional betrayal and act quickly to secure a therapist to get their relationship ‘back on track,’” Calderon says.

There’s no quick fix for rebuilding that sense of security (and it’s not always possible), but joint therapy can allow a couple to delve into the underlying issues that led to the betrayal in a judgment-free, safe environment, Calderon says. This can also help them determine if moving forward together is truly worth it. “Infidelity doesn’t have to end in a breakup ,” she adds. “But it usually creates a distrust or lack of confidence that should be addressed.”

2. A big life change, like getting married or starting a family, is on the horizon.

Again, therapy isn’t just for troubled relationships on the brink of collapse. Another less dire yet completely valid reason to book some sessions: wanting to work through a major life change that’s about to happen, Vanessa Bradden, LMFT , owner of Lakeview Therapy Group in Chicago, tells SELF.

“I see a lot of people becoming first-time parents , for example, who want to navigate [preparing for] young children because they understand how complex and challenging that can be on the relationship,” Bradden says. Other transitions a couples therapist can help with include moving in together, getting married, or becoming empty nesters. Professional guidance can make these important but also intimidating milestones feel a little more manageable, Bradden adds.

3. The arguments aren’t exactly productive.

“It’s normal to fight in relationships,” Wentzler says. However, there are right ( and wrong ) ways to do it—that is, if the goal is to fix the problem while staying respectful. “When it comes to conflict, people really struggle with how to resolve it constructively ,” Wentzler adds. Specifically, she notes that many couples avoid addressing their underlying issues, which can lead to dissatisfaction, distrust, and more screaming matches.

Instead of snapping over “little” things or yelling extreme statements like, “You never listen to me!” (which are likely to make the other person shut down), a couples therapist can teach partners how to fight fairly so each person feels heard. “We’re able to point out the current challenges to communicating effectively, then help guide clients to learn the language and tools they need to engage in these talks without emotionally harming each other,” Wentzler says. That way, problems are more likely to be solved—and feelings are less likely to be hurt.

4. One or both partners feel unappreciated.

In long-term relationships , it can be easy to overlook the little things, like going on spontaneous dates or even just saying “I love you.” But getting into the habit of neglecting these sweet moments can cause emotional distance.

“Feeling like you’re not seen, not heard, by your partner—those are early warning signs that [people in the] relationship are starting to drift apart,” Amanda Craig, PhD, LMFT , author of Who Are You and What Have You Done with My Kid? , tells SELF. This lack of appreciation can inspire people to seek out a therapist, who can suggest ways to reconnect, Dr. Craig says.

One simple strategy she uses, for example, is challenging couples to be more intentional about maintaining eye contact and smiling—while chatting over dinner, say. She also encourages people to ask their partner how their day was (and genuinely listen to the answer), or even just greet them with a hug when they come home from work. “It’s these basic things that so many people take for granted, lose track of, and need a little help getting back into,” Craig says.

5. There’s no excitement.

Another common pattern in long-term relationships is getting a little too comfortable—to the point where the dynamic becomes predictable and maybe boring. In that case, a professional can help by suggesting ways to make things feel a little more exciting again, Shavon Gaddy, LCSW , an AASECT-certified sex therapist in New York City, tells SELF.

Some folks, Gaddy says, might discover that they want to spice up their sex life (by experimenting with toys , say, or safely exploring new kinks ). Other potential ways to add novelty include sharing a new hobby or getting dressed up for monthly date nights, instead of ordering takeout and eating it on the couch. And even if a couple isn’t quite sure what, exactly, they’re missing, talking to a therapist can help them figure it out, Gaddy adds.

6. Disagreements about money are causing tension.

“Financial issues can be a tremendous stressor on a relationship on multiple levels,” Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD , a New York City–based psychologist, tells SELF. Of course, “if a couple can’t afford to meet basic needs [like getting food on the table], it can lead to a lack of safety and more strain,” Dr. Romanoff says. Even in financially stable relationships, differences in salaries and spending (or saving) habits can also cause tension, she adds.

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While this might sound like a job for a financial advisor, a couples therapist can help too. For one, they can make potentially awkward conversations about money easier by encouraging more constructive (and kinder) language, Dr. Romanoff explains. They can also help people get to the root of why talking about spending too much (or little) is such a challenge, she says. Maybe money was a hush-hush topic in one partner’s childhood, for instance, or personal insecurities (like feeling ashamed about credit card debt) are getting in the way of honest communication.

“It’s helpful to explore how couples discuss their finances and what barriers they have to talking about money openly,” Dr. Romanoff says. Because to resolve any relationship problem, you first need a solid foundation of trust, as well as some healthy communication skills, she adds.

7. There’s a lack of boundaries with overbearing in-laws (or other family members).

Setting boundaries with family can be really difficult—but sometimes necessary to protect a relationship. Maybe the in-laws who offered to help take care of a couple’s newborn still show up unannounced years later. Or perhaps one partner won’t stand up to their grandma who hurls passive-aggressive jabs about how “disorganized” or “poorly decorated” the house is.

These types of issues commonly inspire couples to seek therapy together, Gayane Aramyan, LMFT , a Los Angeles–based therapist specializing in relationships, tells SELF. In her own practice, Aramyan says she usually focuses on helping folks find a middle ground—like limiting family visits to once a month (or every other week) instead of weekly, or being more supportive when a relative crosses a line. “It’s really about finding that happy medium and discovering ways that your partner can make you feel more comfortable,” Aramyan says.

When to consider couples therapy

It’s not right for every couple, according to many of the experts we spoke with, and therapy only works when both parties are willing to give it a solid effort. But if you’re struggling with a specific concern, like craving deeper intimacy or needing more emotional support during a stressful time, a couples therapist is trained to help. And even if there isn’t a major problem or crisis at the moment, a few sessions here and there can strengthen your connection and prevent serious misunderstandings and conflicts down the road, Bradden adds.

Realistically though, not everyone has the time, money, or resources to see a pro whenever an issue bubbles up. If you’re on the fence, here’s one telltale sign that therapy might be a real game changer for your relationship: repeating the same argument over and over. This, Wentzler says, can indicate that one or both people feel misunderstood, and improving communication skills could make a huge difference.

Another good indicator is if either or both of you have been lying or keeping secrets about something serious (like cheating, say, or debt). “These betrayals can cause serious and lasting harm, and those wounds are not easy to heal without expert support,” Wentzler adds.

Ultimately, the choice is yours, but there’s no need to feel ashamed if you’re considering this route. Fighting for a relationship that’s worth it takes a lot of effort—and sometimes a professional in your corner.

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8 relationship problems you just can’t fix.

Senior Lifestyle Reporter, HuffPost

how to fix recurring relationship problems

Some problems in relationships can be tackled as a couple: Not spending enough kid-free time together? Call a babysitter. Prioritizing screen-time over quality time? Kindly escort your cell phone out of the bedroom.

Other problems are a lot harder to solve. Below, marriage therapists share eight weighty relationship problems that just can't be fixed.

1. You have contempt for each other.

Make no mistake: If left unchecked, finger-pointing, sarcasm and contempt will chip away at the foundation of your marriage, said Bonnie Ray Kennan , a psychotherapist based in Torrance, California. (Contempt is so bad, renowned marriage researcher John Gottman has identified it as the single best predicator of divorce.)

"This kind of behavior creates a culture of disconnect," Ray Kennan explained. "If one or both partners are unwilling to soften the marital conversation and stop fighting, the problem will get worse until there is no coming back."

2. Your partner is needlessly argumentative.

There will be times when your opinion on an issue is so starkly different from your spouse's, you're downright shocked. Let it be and agree to disagree. As a couple, you need to recognize that no one wins when one of you always has to be right, said relationship coach Lisa Schmidt .

"It's a problem if one or both partners provoke arguments and then look for reasons to not forgive the other," she said. "What makes it worse is when the inability to forgive is followed by a refusal to discuss the issue further."

3. There's chronic infidelity.

Being in a relationship with a serial cheater is nothing short of exhausting. The relationship can be repaired , but only if the unfaithful partner is honest about what happened and fully prepared to leave the affair behind. If not, heartbreak is inevitable, said Marcia Naomi Berger, a psychotherapist and the author of Marriage Meetings for Lasting Love.

"People vary in how willing they are to put up with this," she said. "Many eventually give up on trying to fix the relationship; they simply decide they have had enough broken promises. They realize that enough is enough."

4. Your partner is distant or secretive about where they go when you're not around.

While time apart is essential in any relationship, what your partner does with their free time shouldn't be some great mystery. There's a difference between privacy and secrecy, said psychologist Susan Heitler .

"Too much secrecy can leave you feeling abandoned emotionally as well as physically, even when your partner is home," she said. "A marriage needs sharing and openness."

5. You have incompatible sex drives.

Don't shortchange yourself: For most people, a mutually fulfilling sex life is incredibly important in a long-term relationship. That's exactly why you should establish your sexual compatibility early on, Heitler said.

"If your spouse has zero interest in sharing sexual pleasures but you treasure your sexuality, your partner might end up feeling less interesting to you. And you may begin to feel that a marriage without sex is unacceptable. "

6. Your partner pushes you away.

We all have attachment styles that affect our behavior in relationships. If you feel comfortable being close and intimate, but your partner has an avoidant and dismissive attachment style, it's going to be difficult for you to bridge that gap, said Marni Feuerman , a couples therapist based in Boca Raton, Florida.

"It can be maddening to be with someone who is highly avoidant," she said. "In fact, it can turn a normally calm and self-assured person into a bundle of neediness."

She added: "It chips away at your self-esteem to be with someone who shows you no affection or compliments, engages in mechanical sex and has no desire for closeness with you."

7. Your partner is truly a narcissist.

If your partner truly has narcissistic personality disorder (as opposed to someone with narcissistic traits), maintaining your relationship is going to be an uphill battle, said Carin Goldstein , a marriage and family therapist based in Sherman Oaks, California.

"It is not uncommon for the narcissistic partner to sometimes throw a bone here and there, giving the other partner hope that they're finally beginning to evolve in a way that will save the relationship," she said. "Unfortunately, it's usually just crumbs. Most of the time, they criticize you for making their life miserable."

8. You can't open up to each other.

You need to feel comfortable laying bare your problems and frustrations with your partner. It's problematic if one of you prefers to keep your emotions bottled up, said Marie Land, a psychologist based in Washington, D.C.

"If you're not expressing your feelings, you may start to feel anxious or disappointed in the relationship," she said. "You don’t want to end up distancing yourself from your partner, giving up on them prematurely, or feeling straight up depressed about the state of the relationship. That's exactly how you'll feel if one or both of you don’t express what you're feeling."

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How To Fix Repeating Relationship Problems : Some Effective Way

June 10, 2023 by Edward J King Leave a Comment

If you’re in a repeating relationship problem, it might be time to take a step back and evaluate the situation. You may need to change some of your behavior, or your partner may need to change theirs. No matter the case, it’s important to get the help you need to move forward.

If you’re having relationship problems, don’t worry – you’re not alone. Relationship problems can happen for various reasons, but the most common ones are the following: One or both people in the relationship are too demanding. Here are some tips on how to deal with a repeating relationship problem.

How To Fix Repeating Relationship Problems

What Are The Common Reasons For Relationship Problems?

We can track back most relationship problems to a lack of communication. Communication is key to maintaining a healthy relationship, whether it’s not being able to express yourself or misunderstanding each other properly. Recurring relationship problems are a common occurrence in relationships.

They can be frustrating and can lead to arguments and tension. If you’re struggling with recurring relationship problems, there are a few things you can do to get your relationship back on track. Here are some common reasons for relationship problems:

Communication Issues

Communication is one of the most important skills you can develop in your relationship. It’s essential for resolving disputes and solving problems and staying connected, and building strong relationships.

Miscommunication is the root cause of most relationship issues – a misunderstanding about what someone has said or how they’re feeling, a lack of clarity on intentions, or not being heard. When this happens, it can be not easy to get your point of view across effectively. This often leads to arguments and even breakdowns in communication channels altogether.

The key to resolving any problem lies in communication – both verbal (talking) and nonverbal (body language). By learning to understand each other better, you will be able to resolve conflicts more swiftly and build stronger bonds with those around you.

Misunderstandings

Misunderstandings can lead to problems in our relationships. They can be difficult to identify, but some simple steps can help fix them. Sometimes, all it takes is effort on both sides. Sometimes people don’t understand each other well enough, which can lead to tension and conflict. It’s important to communicate well to resolve misunderstandings as quickly as possible.

Arguments And Contradictions

Arguments and contradictions are one of the main reasons why relationships tend to go wrong. What starts as a small difference can quickly turn into an all-out battle, with neither side willing to budge. The best way to overcome this obstacle is by talking openly and honestly with each other. Once both parties realize that they need to compromise to fix the problem, it becomes much easier for them to resolve it – hopefully without further violence or drama.

Resentment And Jealousy

Resentment and jealousy are two of the most common causes of relationship problems. If left unchecked, they can lead to further tension and conflict in the relationship. Identifying the root of resentment and jealousy is important to prevent this from happening.

Once you know what’s triggering them, it will be easier to take appropriate steps to resolve them. In many cases, a partner may not know how to fix their feelings – let you help them out! Stick to a communication plan that works for both of you so you can resolve disagreements smoothly.

Relationship problems can happen by various factors, one of which is laziness on the part of either partner. Often, we are too busy to take action and address the issue head-on. This can lead to resentment and, eventually, break-ups.

Talking about relationship issues openly and honestly with your partner is an effective way of correcting them. By doing this, you show that you are concerned about your relationship and want to work towards resolving any conflicts or problems as soon as possible.

7 Effective Steps To Fix Repeating Relationship Problems

There’s something about a good relationship that feels right. Whether it’s the comfort and security we feel when we’re with someone we know well or the excitement and adventure that comes with being in a new relationship, there’s something special about them.

However, by following these 7 effective steps, you can get on the right track. First, analyze the issue and figure out what’s causing it. Next, try to find a solution that both parties can agree on. It’s important to be constructive and respectful when dealing with disagreements – name-calling and threats won’t get the job done. Be patient – resolving relationship problems takes time, but in the long run, they usually get resolved.

1.Set Clear Boundaries

Boundaries are essential in a healthy relationship. Without them, there is chaos and unhappiness, which is not what either of you wants or needs. Setting boundaries can be difficult, but it’s important to do it correctly, so both parties feel comfortable and respected. Make sure you communicate your expectations from the start – this will help to avoid any misunderstandings later on down the line.

As with most things in life, being clear about what you want will go a long way in getting things done effectively. If someone consistently disregards your boundaries or negatively reacts after crossing, it may be time to seek professional help, as these issues can’t be fixed alone.

2.Listen To Your Partner And Take Their Feelings Into Account.

Listen To Your Partner And Take Their Feelings Into Account.

Communication is key in any relationship. However, it can often be tricky when one person dominates the conversation and needs to consider their partner’s feelings . This happens when we become critical or judgmental of our partners’ words without listening. It then becomes difficult to devise a solution based on what they have said. Often, this leads to an argument that neither party wins.

Set some ground rules regarding communication – for instance, agreeing not to talk about certain issues until they have discussions beforehand to avoid misunderstandings or hurt feelings. This will help keep the relationship healthy and strong.

3.Address The Source Of The Problem Head-On

Address The Source Of The Problem Head-On

It is essential to identify the root of the problem so that you can fix it. If you’re experiencing problems with your repeating relationship issues, it’s important to address the source of the problem head-on. This means that you need to figure out what’s causing the problems and find a solution that addresses that issue.

This starts with setting boundaries and communicating effectively with your partner. When things get stressful, take some time for yourself by meditating or counseling. Doing this will help you regain control and healthily address any issues head-on.

4.Work Together To Resolve Disagreements Instead Of Against Each Other.

Work Together To Resolve Disagreements Instead Of Against Each Other.

When disagreements happen in a relationship, it can be not easy to know where to turn. Often, the natural reaction is to go against each other instead of working towards a solution. This creates tension and conflict and often leads to hurt feelings and resentment on both sides.

The key is for both parties involved in the disagreement to have a constructive conversation. This involves being open-minded and looking for common solutions; taking time for yourself and listening carefully without interruption; setting clear boundaries to keep things calm, and most importantly, never giving up on each other.

5.Stick To A Routine Schedule When Dealing With Recurring Relationship Problems

The Problem

Relationship problems can be tough to deal with. However, by following a routine and sticking to boundaries, you can significantly reduce the stress of these situations. It is essential to have honest conversations with your partner – without this key ingredient, progress will be slow and frustrating.

When writing emails or making notes in a written format, make sure you are clear and concise so that your partner understands what you want from them. Also, keep in mind their feelings – don’t let anger get the best of you when communicating with them.

6.Define The Problem

Define The Problem

Before you can start resolving any issues in your relationship, it is important to identify the problem. What’s causing tensions and problems? Once you know this, it will be much easier to communicate and work together toward a resolution. Try to take things slowly when approaching your partner – emotions are running high right now, and tempers may get short.

It’s also important not to react immediately or take everything personally; remember that they are just trying to do what they think is best for both of you. It might mean compromising on some of your own desires sometimes but making sure the issue gets resolved is always worth it in the long run.

7.Communicate With Your Partner Openly And Honestly

Communicate With Your Partner Openly And Honestly

Communication is key in any relationship – it’s essential for building trust and resolving problems. When things are going wrong, the last thing you want to do is keep your feelings bottled up inside. The best way to approach communication effectively is by being open and honest from the start. This will help build a strong foundation of trust, which will, in turn, lead to smoother sailing throughout your relationship.

When discussing difficult issues, try not to bottle them up – let everything out in an emotionally-safe setting instead. And once you’ve voiced your concerns, be willing or open-minded towards finding a resolution that both of you can agree upon satisfactorily.

There are many signs that your relationship is going wrong, but what most people ignore for some reason is the fact that you have been living together for a long time. Socially, things are different today and what’s important now is to focus on communication.

Relationship problems can stem from a number of different issues, but the most common reasons are lack of communication and trust. It is important to understand the root of the problem and take steps to rectify it to overcome these problems and fix the issue at hand. This blog provides some helpful tips on how to fix repeating relationship problems in an effective way.

Frequently Asked Questions

1. What Are The 3Rs In A Relationship?

Ans: Respect, care, and response are the three Rs in a healthy relationship. When you respect your partner , you acknowledge that they are two separate but integral parts of your life. You listen to them attentively and never take them for granted. You also show your appreciation for their opinions and feelings by always taking them into account.

2. What Are 3 Things You Can Do To Improve A Relationship?

Ans: Here are three things you can do to improve your relationship:

  • Talk. If you don’t talk to each other, problems will only get worse. Open up and let your partner know how you’re feeling. Discuss anything that’s on your mind, whether it’s big or small.
  • Listen. Let your partner know that you are listening and care about what they have to say. Please pay attention to the things that bother them, and really try to understand them.
  • Be patient and give your relationship time to heal – it takes time for things to change. Don’t expect a quick fix, and push your partner only a little. Allow them space to come around on their own terms.

3. What Is Step 3 In A Relationship?

Ans: In a relationship, the third step is usually the reconciliation step. This involves both parties working towards resolving any issues and repairing their relationship. Depending on the nature of the problem, there are different ways to go about it. Some may require time, while others can be done in an instant.

When it comes to fixing a relationship, three effective methods are talking it out, self-compassion, and communication exercises. Talking it out means that both parties are willing to listen to each other and openly discuss what happened wrong. It allows them to feel heard and relieves some of the tension and anger that may be present.

4. How Do You Fix An On-Again-Off-Again Relationship?

Ans: Fixing a few relationships that are on-again and off-again can be a challenge. However, by following these simple steps, you should be able to get your relationship back on track:

  • Communicate with your partner:
  • Set clear boundaries and expectations:
  • Avoid taking things personally:
  • Keep track of how you’re feeling throughout the day: By keeping track of how you’re feeling throughout the day, you’ll be better equipped to understand why arguments are happening and how.

5. Should I Try To Confront My Partner About The Issue Directly?

Ans: If the issue is bigger than just you and your partner, then it is a good idea to confront them in an open and honest way. This way, you can resolve disagreements more quickly and effectively. However, before going ahead with this step, make sure that both of you are on the same page about what needs to be done. In some cases, couples find it helpful to talk things out first before trying to get into a physical altercation.

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Leadership Freak

How to end the frustration of recurring problems.

Frustrated leaders complain about having the same conversation. “We’ve talked about this problem over and over.”

Repetition creates the path of least resistance like rivers eventually wear channels in stone.

how to fix recurring relationship problems

Pattern reflection:

Tell me the things you repeatedly do and I’ll tell you who you are and where you’re going. Aristotle put it this way, “We are what we repeatedly do.”

Reflect on repetition if you aspire to end self-defeat, self-sabotage, and stagnation.

  • What actions/behaviors do you repeatedly engage in? “I repeatedly engage in…”
  • What emotions do you repeatedly experience? “I frequently feel…”
  • What frustration consistently intrudes into your interactions? “I feel frustrated when …”
  • What thought patterns do you notice in yourself? “I repeatedly think about…”
  • Who are you repeatedly interacting with? “I spend most of my time with…”

Action, emotion, thought, and connection explain who you are and where you’re going.

Pattern recognition:

Unnoticed patterns take you places you don’t want to go.

What’s obvious when a problem – you’re trying to fix – persists? It’s obvious the fix doesn’t work. The ability to move forward includes the courage to acknowledge that pedaling harder won’t work.

Pattern recognition makes room for new solutions. Pedaling harder doesn’t magically transform ineffective solutions into desired results.

Pattern recognition is the ability to end ineffective behaviors.

If you repeatedly have the same conversation about the same problem, YOU are the problem.

Patterns to notice:

#1. Repeated conversation.

We’re having this conversation for the third time. What will we do today to be sure we aren’t having the same conversation next week?

#2. Recurring frustration.

  • What do you want that you aren’t getting?
  • What are you trying to control that you can’t control?
  • What would you like to try to end this recurring frustration?
  • What will you stop doing?
Negative patterns produce predictable disappointment.

What negative patterns might leaders fall into?

How might leaders address recurring problems?

Bonus material:

7 Ways to Break Destructive Patterns ( Leadership Freak )

Atomic Habits ( James Clear )

Overcoming Pattern Behaviors ( Extraordinary Conversations )

how to fix recurring relationship problems

Thanks for sharing.

Post navigation, 11 thoughts on “ how to end the frustration of recurring problems ”.

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What negative patterns might leaders fall into? Allowing faults to continue, they need addressed. “Don’t put off till tomorrow what you can fix today”. Figuring someone else will fix it, who’s job is it? Fearful of failure. How might leaders address recurring problems? Identify the source, and proceed with a solution. We tend to put things off, when the are problems they will fester if we don’t address them, provided we have the authority to fix them. If the item is on your watch address it! All the words do nothing until “we take action”. Tomorrow is not guaranteed so address it today.

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Thanks Tim. Your comment makes me want to wrestle the elephant.

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Dan, LOL, at least “Atom Ant”! 🙂

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The next question to ask is if the reason why repeated patterns occur is because of an environment factors that leadership cannot address: one cannot lead when the followers have opposing agendas. In the final analysis, leadership is building a human relationship between the leader and his or her followers, and many times there is no fit between the goals of the leader and the goals of the followers, such fit creates the environment for robust production. But then it is also a leader who recognizes when it is time to leave the organization when there is no leadership environment to build and seek leadership opportunities else where.

Thanks Victoria. Yes, there are unchangeable environmental factors in many situations. Moving within an organization or moving out is useful if patterns won’t change. Of course, be sure to check for outside opportunities before you leave your current one.

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Leaders are often blind to both their strengths and weaknesses. If a leader is frustrated at repeated patterns of behaviors perhaps its time to analyze their approach. Self-awareness can be confronting and it can also be enlightening.

Thanks Carolyn. Yes, self-awareness is more than exciting self-discovery. Sometimes we see things we don’t like. That’s when courage, commitment, authenticity, and humility come into play. There have been several times in my experience that I’ve seen things I haven’t liked about myself.

BTW. The experience of seeing something in ourselves that is uncomfortable is one reason humility makes sense. If it happened in the past, it may happen again. What if I’m the problem?

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You can get recurring problems sometimes simply as a result of what you are trying to do: you often hit problems repeatedly because you are at the bleeding edge of the technology/at the limit of what equipment can achieve: think F1 racing cars. In this case, you find that it’s actually lots of different problems to lead to a single, similar symptom. Here, I look to improve, mitigate and adjust my level of acceptance – every F1 team blows an engine once in a while!

The other, much worse type of recurring problem is the one where you repeatedly hit the wall of the process that simply doesn’t work properly but you are bound to follow. Logically, you redesign the process so it does work. But sometimes, it’s simply about the process, and nothing to do with the outcome, and you get stuck with it.

Thanks Mitch. Just a not to say how useful I find the sentence, “… every F1 team blows an engine once in a while!”

You could say, if you aren’t blowing an engine once in a while, maybe you aren’t reaching high enough.

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Dan Today’s post is so timely and goes beyond the office. I’m so very struck be the pattern recognition statements and patterns to notice. We are seeing the effects of these concepts playing out on our streets. This is so haunting -” If you repeatedly have the same conversation about the same problem, YOU are the problem.”

Hopefully these principles can be taken forward in our communities as well

Thanks Lyndie. It’s exciting to me that leadership principles often have universal application. It seems that leadership and life are connected.

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5 Major Problems South Park Season 27 Needs To Fix

  • Key Takeaways:
  • South Park lacks holiday episodes due to its changed schedule, which limits the show's ability to deliver its best holiday-themed content.
  • The role of Mr. Garrison, who acts as both a supporting star and a Trump stand-in, needs clarification in season 27.
  • South Park has a troubled relationship with serialization, bouncing between standalone episodes and interconnected storylines without committing to one consistent style.

While South Park season 27 is sure to command a sizable audience, the ever-popular satirical series needs to fix a lot of major issues in this upcoming outing. South Park ’s release schedule changed in 2021 when the show’s co-creators Matt Stone and Trey Parker signed a historic $900 million deal. This saw the duo promise to produce six seasons and 14 feature-length specials of the series in the coming years. Since then, South Park has released two six-episode seasons between February and March 2022 and 2023, and four specials later in those years. 2024’s specials were October’s Joining the Panderverse and December’s Not Suitable for Children .

Judging by this relatively consistent schedule, South Park season 27 should begin airing in February 2024. However, the show will need to use this brief season to address numerous recurring issues. The brevity of these six-episode seasons means that most South Park outings replicate the same problems as their predecessors since the show rarely has time to change its approach. Seasons 25 and 26 both ran into the same issues as did the specials released in 2022 and 2023. While all of these South Park offerings had their moments, season 27 is still overdue a re-evaluation of the show’s creative approach.

South Park’s Lack of Holiday Episodes

South park’s new schedule means the show has no halloween or christmas episodes.

Since South Park ’s seasons now air between February and March, the show never has an opportunity to release any new holiday specials. This wouldn’t be a major issue for a lot of sitcoms, but South Park ’s best holiday offerings are among the show’s greatest outings. One South Park Christmas episode hinted at Kenny’s true identity years before the show finally revealed this twist, while another featured Cartman taking on a heroic role for the first time. Christmas offers the relentlessly profane South Park an inimitable chance to mock sentimental holiday specials, while Halloween allows the gruesome, gory show to return to its roots.

It is easy to forget that South Park began life as a parody of sci-fi and horror movies set in the titular small town. While the show shifted its focus to current events around season 4, seasons 1—3 featured a plethora of aliens, monsters, demons, and zombies. This gory mayhem remains central to South Park ’s appeal , as even the show’s most thoughtful political commentary has moments of gross-out gore and bizarre villains like the killer cryptid ManBearPig. Despite this, South Park: Not Suitable for Children failed to capitalize on its December 20 release date, while Joining the Panderverse didn’t use its October 27 release to focus on Halloween.

Mr. Garrison’s Unclear Role

South park’s mr. garrison acts as both a supporting star and a trump stand-in.

In season 19, South Park played a risky game by using the show’s longstanding character Mr. Garrison as a stand-in for the controversial presidential candidate, Donald Trump. Outspoken and campy, Garrison voiced outrageous viewpoints that were clearly a parody of Trump’s divisive rhetoric. However, this storyline began to fall apart when Trump unexpectedly won the 2016 election. Midway through season 20, South Park had to decide whether Mr. Garrison was literally Donald Trump, an analog of Trump, or a separate character entirely. In true South Park fashion, the show never really clarified this in the years that followed, with Garrison only standing in for Trump sometimes.

As such, South Park season 27 must now explain whether Garrison is a full-time Trump parody or simply a foul-mouthed school teacher. To be fair to the show’s creators, South Park season 26 addressed Garrison’s weird role in episode 6, “Spring Break.” This season finale saw Garrison go on a romantic getaway with his partner, only for him to be tempted back into holding Republican presidential rallies once in South Carolina. This storyline depicted a Garrison who was caught between being a stand-in for Trump and a small-town teacher, but season 27 will have to choose one road or the other as the show continues.

South Park’s Relationship With Serialization

South park’s storylines flirt with serialization but rarely embrace it.

One reason that Garrison’s story is so confusing is that South Park has a troubled relationship with serialization . The show wholeheartedly embraced this storytelling style in season 19 and gained critical acclaim in the process, with the outing’s 10 episodes forming a cohesive larger story. However, when season 20’s planned plot was upended by Trump’s victory, the finale was cheekily dubbed “The End of Serialization as We Know It.” Since then, the show has bounced between standalone storylines and interconnected multi-episode arcs without ever choosing one consistent storytelling style.

Cartman’s Inconsistent Character Arc

Cartman has been redeemed and re-villainized repeatedly.

While South Park: Not Suitable for Children made Cartman a more heroic character than he usually is, this was just the latest in a string of stories that were not sure what to do with the character. Cartman has become less outwardly antagonistic in recent seasons and specials, burying his feud with Kathleen Kennedy in Joining the Panderverse and saving Cupid Ye in the season 26 premiere. While it would be interesting to see a more likable version of Cartman , his antics in episodes like season 26, episode 5, “DikinBaus Hot Dogs,” prove that this change is never consistent enough to stick.

Randy Marsh’s Main Character Status

Randy can’t continue to be south park’s de facto lead character.

The biggest issue that South Park must address in season 27 is the role of Stan’s father, Randy Marsh. In the early seasons of the series, Randy was a mild-mannered suburban dad and little more. Around season 24, outings like episode 3, “Medicinal Fried Chicken,” and episode 14, “Creme Fraiche,” turned him into a wackier, more outrageous figure. This eventually led to Randy becoming South Park ’s unofficial fifth main character, with him playing a bigger role than his son Stan in specials like Joining the Panderverse and Not Suitable for Children . The problem with this approach is that making Randy South Park ’s lead character betrays the show’s original premise .

South Park was intended to show the world through the eyes of children, to illustrate the absurdity of contemporary society. When South Park makes Randy its main character , the show becomes just another animated sitcom about a middle-aged father behaving badly. This is a well-worn trope that South Park doesn’t need to succeed. As such, season 27 should take its focus off Randy and re-center Kenny, Kyle, Stan, Cartman, and Butters. In doing so, the series should have more time to flesh out Cartman’s character arc and tell a more consistent serialized story. Thus, South Park season 27 could fix all its major issues at once.

Release Date 1997-08-13

Cast Matt Stone, Trey Parker

Genres Comedy, Sitcom

Streaming Service(s) Netflix

5 Major Problems South Park Season 27 Needs To Fix

Melissa Orlov

Forgiveness

9 rules for recovering from relationship mistakes, these nine ideas are critical to returning to a healthy relationship..

Posted January 13, 2016 | Reviewed by Abigail Fagan

Relationship mistakes—we all make them at one time or another. But you can pick yourself back up and recover from even the biggest failures if you keep a few simple ideas in mind:

1. Your partner is your equal.

People who tell their partner what they should be doing, or when, have forgotten this deceptively simple idea. Who says your way is the right way? Instead of dictating, organizing or educating your partner, focus on collaborating. Ask your partner’s opinion. Invite him or her into your thoughts and ideas. Be co-conspirators in creating the future you want to live together.

2. No matter what you have to say, you can say it respectfully.

We all feel anger, resentment, hurt and other difficult emotions at times in our relationship. We should. Living with another person is hard! But no matter how painful the emotion , your partner still deserves to hear about your feelings in a way that is respectful. According to relationship expert John Gottman, couples who bounce back from fights are those who learn how to fight respectfully, and how to give and accept "bids for repair."

3. People are more important than things.

When you were dating , you focused on each other. Now that you have more responsibilities—children, a home, and more—it’s quite possible that you spend more energy on getting things done than you do on each other. To recover from relationship problems, it’s critical to set aside time to attend only to each other in a way that reinforces how much you care. Doing this might range from little rituals you create (bringing coffee to your partner in bed each morning) to spending a great deal of time learning how to do something new together. Make sure you focus on each other, and what you choose should make you feel positive, make you laugh, or reinforce your love.

4. It takes two to have a relationship.

Sadly, one go-to strategy for dealing with escalating relationship problems is to hide from them. Particularly for men, avoiding conflict or touchy topics can feel better than addressing them. This is a mistake that often leads to an increase in pursuit from the other partner, who doesn’t appreciate the lack of participation in solving the problem at hand. To recover, couples must re-engage. A relationship counselor can help you do this.

5. Good communication is not a given, but a skill that must be practiced.

Inconsequential conversations are easy to have. It’s the interactions around difficult emotions that are so hard. There is no short-cut to learning how to have these conversations. You must learn how to express what you think constructively and without aggression , learn how to listen carefully and non-defensively, and use tools to verify that you are both talking about the same thing. This takes time and practice, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise!

6. There is such a thing as a bad apology. Don't make one.

Repairing your relationship after some sort of mistake or hurt is one of the best things you can do. But too many people unwittingly try to do this with a bad apology. Here’s an example: “I’m so sorry I got mad at you, but you really triggered me.” That’s not an apology—that’s blame! You can recognize a bad apology because it almost always includes the words "but" or "because." Instead, apologize by owning your mistake or behavior and putting forward a plan to help prevent the same thing from happening again in the future.

7. You are responsible for your own happiness .

Committing to another is not the same as relying on that person to make you happy. Yes, being with your partner can be a happy experience, but seeking out your own satisfaction is your job and yours alone. Couples who merge too closely tend to be less happy than those who understand that they are differentiated individuals who complement each other. Don't hand responsibility for your happiness over to anyone else.

8. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.

One of the most useful tools in relationship repair is forgiveness. If you can find the empathy to forgive yourself for mistakes you made, or forgive your partner for his, you clear the way for being able to constructively figure out how not to make that mistake again. Conversely, if you hold onto anger or resentment, these will be impediments to moving forward.

9. Sex is the canary in the mine.

Desire is mysterious, but one thing is for sure—it’s highly sensitive to the state of your union. If your sex life is struggling, chances are that there are larger issues to uncover and heal. Don’t panic , but seek help to understand what those problems are early on, before they become too entrenched.

Melissa Orlov

Melissa Orlov is the author of The ADHD Effect on Marriage, which won the gold medal for best psychology book of 2010 from ForeWord Reviews.

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January 2024 magazine cover

Overcome burnout, your burdens, and that endless to-do list.

  • Coronavirus Disease 2019
  • Affective Forecasting
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An essential medical device fails people of color. A clinic is suing to fix that

A health worker removes a pulse oximeter from a patient's index finger after taking his blood pressure.

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Roots Community Health Center was slammed in 2020, with lines for its COVID-19 testing stations stretching around the block and exam rooms full of people struggling to breathe.

Patient after patient at the East Oakland clinic extended their fingers so that healthcare workers could clip on a pulse oximeter , a device that measures the degree to which red blood cells are saturated with oxygen. For healthy people, a normal “pulse ox” reading is typically between 95% and 100%.

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention had instructed providers to give oxygen therapy to any COVID patient with a pulse oximeter reading below 90%. Like their counterparts around the country, Roots doctors advised concerned patients to buy inexpensive pulse oximeters so they could monitor their levels at home.

As the pandemic ground on, it became clear that Black and brown patients were dying of COVID at disproportionately high rates , both across the U.S. and in Roots’ own Alameda County .

In the rare hour when she wasn’t in the clinic, Roots founder and Chief Executive Dr. Noha Aboelata paged through medical research in search of answers that might help her patients, the vast majority of whom were Black or brown.

One paper in the New England Journal of Medicine stopped her cold. University of Michigan researchers examined records of thousands of hospitalized COVID patients and looked for instances of “occult hypoxia” — a situation when a patient’s pulse oximeter reads in the healthy range, but their actual blood oxygen levels are dangerously low. The researchers found that this happened to Black patients nearly three times as often as it did to white patients.

Dr. Noha Aboelata stands in a clinic.

Aboelata recalled the “devastating feeling” of diving further into the literature and realizing that this disparity was not a new discovery.

Research dating back to 1990 found that inaccurate pulse oximeter readings were more common in Black patients than non-Black ones. In 2005, detailed lab experiments showed that pulse oximeters frequently overestimated blood oxygen levels in patients with more skin pigmentation.

“This device is really used almost like a vital sign, like you would use a blood pressure cuff,” Aboelata recalled. “How horrified you would feel if you suddenly found out that your blood pressure cuff didn’t work on a certain demographic of your patients?”

She alerted colleagues to the findings and investigated the effect the devices had on the fates of COVID patients of color. She asked the Food and Drug Administration to require pulse oximeter makers to test their devices on people of color and to warn consumers about the heightened risk of false readings. Attorneys for Roots sent letters to companies that made or sold pulse oximeters in California asking them to improve their products and disclose their limitations.

LOS ANGELES, CA - JULY 08: Charles Davis, 49, right, self administers the oral swab test during Coronavirus Covid-19 testing in LA County at the Charles R. Drew University of Medicine and Science in South Los Angeles on July 8, 2020 as California records its highest single-day coronavirus death toll with 149 fatalities reported. The Charles R. Drew University site has tested a large number of people from racial and ethnic minority groups that are at higher risk for poor outcomes and complications from COVID-19. Drew University on Wednesday, July 8, 2020 in Los Angeles, CA. (Al Seib / Los Angeles Times)

Science & Medicine

Researchers show that COVID-19 racial disparities aren’t inevitable

One of the hallmarks of the COVID-19 pandemic in the United States is that it disproportionately strikes people of color. But it doesn’t have to be that way.

Aug. 22, 2020

When little changed, Roots filed a lawsuit in November against CVS, Walgreens, GE Healthcare and nine other companies that make, sell or distribute pulse oximeters in California.

“The pigmentation-derived inaccuracies of pulse oximeter readings in people with darker skin consistently skew — or are biased — in one dangerous direction: showing that their blood is more oxygenated than it is in reality,” the lawsuit states. “Individuals with darker skin who use the devices are no less entitled to accurate readings than individuals with lighter skin.”

The suit asks that the companies either find a fix or place warning labels on the products to alert users that skin pigment may affect results.

Before pulse oximeters were widely adopted in the 1980s, the only way to gauge a patient’s blood oxygen saturation was to draw a sample of blood from their arterial vein, a painful procedure that had to be followed by immediate laboratory analysis. The portable, noninvasive oximeters were “a true innovation,” said Dr. Phil Bickler , a neuroanesthesiologist who directs the Hypoxia Research Laboratory at UC San Francisco.

“It’s arguably one of the most important clinical monitors ever devised,” Bickler said, second only to the thermometer.

 A drawer full of pulse oximeters.

A pulse oximeter works by shining a light that passes through skin, blood and tissues in the finger and then measuring how much light comes out the other side.

Oxygen-rich blood absorbs more infrared light. So does melanin, the pigment that helps determine skin, hair and eye color. As a result, patients with darker skin tones are more likely to get pulse oximeter readings that show their blood oxygen saturation to be higher than it actually is.

Skin pigment isn’t the only variable that can skew those results. Cold hands, trembling fingers, incorrect probe placement, even nail polish can throw a reading off by a few percentage points too. Knowing this, doctors traditionally used the pulse ox as one data point among many when determining a patient’s course of treatment.

Then COVID-19 hit. As emergency rooms filled and oxygen tanks grew scarce, the CDC anointed pulse oximeter readings as the official standard in its guidelines for COVID care: Below 90%, the patient should be started on oxygen therapy. Above that, it was the doctor’s call.

As the sheer volume of patients grew, so did the number of people with occult hypoxia. Their pulse ox readings were 92% or higher, yet they often had shortness of breath, erratic heartbeats, headaches, confusion and other symptoms of low oxygen saturation.

Many providers around the country also noted that patients with occult hypoxia were more likely to have darker-toned skin.

“Honestly, we had no idea what to make of it,” said Dr. Michael Sjoding , a pulmonologist at the University of Michigan.

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He and his colleagues initially wondered whether something about the SARS-CoV-2 virus itself made it harder to detect hypoxia.

Then Sjoding came across an article by Amy Moran-Thomas , a medical anthropologist at MIT. After spending sleepless nights monitoring her husband’s pulse oximeter readings as he suffered through COVID, Moran-Thomas began digging into the history of the device.

She found the 1990 paper that noted hypoxic Black patients were more likely to get deceptively high readings. She found the 2005 study from Bickler’s lab noting the devices were more likely to overestimate oxygen saturation in patients with dark skin than in those with light skin, results the lab confirmed in a follow-up study two years later.

“I was shocked, because I’m a pulmonary critical care physician, I’m a lung doctor, and I didn’t know this whole literature,” Sjoding said.

He and his colleagues pulled data from their own hospital and found Black patients had nearly three times the rate of occult hypoxia as white patients. They published their results in December 2020.

After Aboelata read their paper , she scoured her memory for patients the devices might have betrayed.

She recalled a Black man she had tried to get approved for home oxygen therapy prior to the pandemic. Medicare only paid for the treatment if a patient’s oxygen saturation was below 90% , and “his pulse ox reading just looked too good compared to what I was seeing,” Aboelata said. She sent him to the hospital for an arterial blood gas draw. Sure enough, his oxygen was low enough to qualify.

Patients shared similar stories, “things like, ‘The ambulance didn’t take them to the hospital because they said that their reading was fine,’ or, ‘We were sent home from the emergency department because they said our reading was fine,’” Aboelata said.

In normal times, she said, providers are much more likely to err on the side of caution for a potentially hypoxic patient. But in the worst days of COVID, every bed, oxygen tank and minute was precious. Providers relied on what they believed was the pulse oximeter’s impartial measure to make extremely difficult decisions, unaware that the device did not evaluate all patients equally well.

Aboelata and colleagues from UCSF and Sutter Health’s Institute for Advancing Health Equity published their own study in the American Journal of Epidemiology showing that Black patients whose pulse oximeters overestimated blood oxygen levels waited an extra 4½ hours, on average, to start supplemental oxygen. They were also slightly less likely to be admitted to the hospital or receive oxygen therapy at all.

“There’s just no way to really know how far-reaching this impact is,” Aboelata said. “The likelihood [is] that people were left home to die, or sent home to die.”

FILE - A health worker uses a pulse oximeter to check the oxygen saturation level of another after administering COVID-19 vaccine at a hospital in Gauhati, India, Jan. 21, 2021. The clip-on devices that use light to try to determine levels of oxygen in the blood are getting a closer look from U.S. regulators after recent studies suggest they don't work as well for patients of color. (AP Photo/Anupam Nath, File)

FDA advisors meet to discuss racial disparities in pulse oximeters

The devices that measure blood oxygen levels get a closer look from regulators after studies suggest they don’t work as well for patients of color.

Nov. 1, 2022

In February 2021, the FDA issued a safety notice cautioning users that pulse oximeters can be thrown off by a number of variables, including skin pigment.

The following year, the FDA convened an advisory committee on the topic. The panel recommended the agency demand better consumer labels and more stringent testing from companies seeking approval for their devices.

Currently, the FDA recommends — but doesn’t require — that pulse oximeter makers ensure that in their clinical trials, either two participants or 15% of total participants are “darkly pigmented” people, a definition open to interpretation.

Clinical research coordinator René Vargas Zamora displays the Monk Skin Tone scale.

This month, the panel advised the FDA to require that new devices be tested on at least 24 people whose skin tones collectively span the Monk Skin Tone scale , a 10-color palette often used to train artificial intelligences to recognize people of different colors. The proposal would divide the scale into three parts, with each part represented by at least 25% of study participants.

To better understand the relationship between skin pigment and pulse ox accuracy, the FDA funded a study at Bickler’s UCSF lab. Results are expected this summer.

“Some companies have posted data showing good performance with darkly pigmented skin for their devices. But I know that those have been tested under ideal conditions,” said Bickler, whose lab investigates the effects of low oxygen on the human body and the devices that measure it. “When pulse oximeters are used in the real world, conditions are not ideal. People are dehydrated, they’re in shock, they’re moving. There’s all kinds of interference that can happen and that get in the way of good performance.”

For Bickler, it’s gratifying to see the government finally address a problem that has been known for decades but that device manufacturers seemed reluctant to address.

“There’s a lot of inertia and denial in the industry,” he said. “It was an inconvenient problem that could be ignored, up until COVID.”

 Dr. Phil Bickler examines a pair of pulse oximeters attached to his fingers.

The Times reached out to all the defendants being sued by Roots. Those that responded declined to comment on pending litigation.

Only one company has taken actions to address Roots’ concerns. Illinois-based NuvoMed pulled its pulse oximeters from the market in California and agreed to place warning labels on their remaining inventory after receiving Roots’ October letter, said Jonathan Weissglass , the clinic’s attorney.

“Ideally, we’d like the pulse oximeters to be fixed so that the problem doesn’t occur,” Weissglass said. “In the meantime, we feel there needs to be an adequate warning about the inaccuracies for people with darker skin. ... We’ve all seen warning labels that say, ‘Pregnant women should consult with a doctor before using’ or something like that. It’s the same basic idea.”

On a recent afternoon at the clinic, medical assistant Evelyn Rivas clipped a pulse oximeter onto Ja-May Scott’s index finger as she checked his vital signs.

The devices are still an important part of Roots’ toolkit. But “we just view it with more suspicion, frankly, in a lot of our patients,” Aboelata said. “We would really like to be equipped with devices that we know can be accurate for all skin tones. And we feel like in 2024, this shouldn’t be too much to ask.”

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Corinne Purtill is a science and medicine reporter for the Los Angeles Times. Her writing on science and human behavior has appeared in the New Yorker, the New York Times, Time Magazine, the BBC, Quartz and elsewhere. Before joining The Times, she worked as the senior London correspondent for GlobalPost (now PRI) and as a reporter and assignment editor at the Cambodia Daily in Phnom Penh. She is a native of Southern California and a graduate of Stanford University.

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