how to deal with your problems on your own

How To Stop Running Away From Your Problems And Face Them With Courageous Resolve

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person in orange jacket walking down dark alley - running from problems

The world can be a difficult place.

Sometimes it feels like we are being attacked from all sides externally, and sometimes internally.

The battles that we fight alone in our minds are some of the hardest.

It’s easy to get overwhelmed by feelings of hopelessness, despair, or confusion.

Those feelings can cause a person to run away from the problems they are facing.

Unfortunately, that doesn’t often work.

A change of scenery or changing up one’s situation can be nice, but in a lot of scenarios it doesn’t actually solve the problem and prevent it from coming back in the future.

How can we find the courage to confront the problems and fears that we are most afraid of?

Speak to an accredited and experienced therapist to help you face up to the problems in your life. You may want to try speaking to one via BetterHelp.com for quality care at its most convenient.

8 Ways To Stop Running From Your Problems

1. embrace discomfort and suffering..

Woah. Embrace discomfort and suffering?

That’s a pretty strong statement, isn’t it?

Well, most positive and good things in life will inevitably include or bring some suffering.

There’s no real way around that.

Do you want to experience a deep love? Then you have to accept that you will eventually feel a deep loss.

Do you want to lose weight? Then you have to accept dietary and lifestyle changes to make that happen.

Do you want to get mental troubles under control? Then you have to accept the discomfort that comes with therapy and doctors.

Do you want a better job? Then you have to accept the uncertainty and discomfort of job searching, interviewing, or training for a new career.

There is nothing gained without some suffering, but many people are so intent on finding a vibrant, fictional happiness that they sabotage their ability to acquire meaningful things.

It is rare that anyone will accomplish anything without a lot of work, which sometimes means suffering through tedious and uncomfortable things.

To face your problems courageously, you’re going to have to accept that you aren’t going to feel comfortable.

It’s not going to be an easy, happy, or pleasant process.

And before we continue on, a caveat. This is not to suggest that “everything happens for a reason” or that you should suffer through being treated disrespectfully or abused.

It does not mean that you deserve to suffer.

It only means that change is going to bring some pain with it.

There’s no avoiding it.

2. Turn to any support network you might have.

Many journeys in life are lonely, but they don’t have to be.

There are other people out there who are on similar paths, who have made similar journeys, who are striving to accomplish the same goals you are.

There may also be people around you that you can lean on as you work to overcome whatever obstacles you are trying desperately not to run away from.

Not every trail needs to be blazed on your own, even if it is something personal.

There are people out there that have already walked the paths that you are just now embarking on.

You may be able to find support in mental health communities, therapy, support groups, or even social media groups.

But, you do need to be cautious and exercise some careful judgment. If it’s a mental health or trauma-related challenge that you’re working to overcome, it’s a good idea to stay in carefully controlled spaces where professionals are present if possible.

Consumer groups can be helpful, but they can also be negative or chaotic places at times.

Family and friends, while they may love and care about you, may not have the kind of knowledge required to provide you meaningful support and insight on your journey.

And then there are other times where we may find ourselves alone at a crossroads in our lives and professional support may be the only good option.

3. Develop a plan with short-term and long-term goals.

Fear is often rooted in ignorance, a lack of knowledge about a particular subject.

This fear is often a key factor when people run away from their problems.

We can work to dispel that fear by learning more about not only the challenge that we face, but also the process of confronting and overcoming it.

A therapist is a great place to start building on this knowledge, because you can generally trust them for good references to other books and materials about whatever problem it is you want to overcome.

Click here to speak to a therapist today.

They can also help you develop a reasonable course of action where you will be able to determine your progress in your pursuit of success.

That’s where short-term and long-term goals enter the picture.

It is absolutely important to have personal goals you want to pursue as you work on yourself.

Not only do they provide you a framework for accomplishment, but they can also keep you motivated when you’re having a hard time.

You can look back at the things you accomplished, how far you’ve come, and know that you have the strength, willpower, and capability to accomplish more.

Goal-setting is an integral part of forward progress. After all, how will you know when you’ve reached your destination if you don’t know what your destination is?

And when you do, take some time to celebrate your success before setting some new goals!

4. Work on your self-confidence and self-belief.

One of the reasons you choose to run away from your problems may be because you don’t feel confident tackling them.

You don’t believe in your abilities to take whatever actions need to be taken.

When you are confident, you act regardless of any fears or worries you may have about doing so.

You recognize that this is something that needs to be done and you set about trying to do it.

When you believe in yourself, you see yourself as being capable of tackling your problems. You know that you have the necessary skills and knowledge to resolve things effectively.

If you struggle with either your self-confidence or self-belief or both, you might not even try to face things because whatever it is will seem insurmountable.

Which is why you must tackle these mental roadblocks before you can address other problems.

How do you do that?

Well, once again, if it’s affecting your life to this extent, it makes sense to work on these issues with the help of a therapist.

They can provide the tools you’ll need to slowly build up the confidence and belief you have in yourself until the problems you are running from no longer feel so big or scary.

Click here to find one now.

5. Build momentum.

Despite what it sounds like, running away from your problems doesn’t involve movement of any sort.

In fact, it keeps you firmly fixed in place, even if you manage to find a way to temporarily escape the clutches of whatever it is you are running from.

If you can just get moving a little bit, figuratively speaking, then you can start to build up some momentum, and momentum is a powerful thing when you need to get things done.

When you face a problem and find a way to solve it or overcome it, your brain will release some feel-good chemicals to reward you.

That positive feeling can then be used as a source of energy and motivation to tackle another problem, and another.

Start with something small.

Find an issue that you know how to tackle even though you’ve been avoiding it thus far. Take the action required to address that issue and tick that thing off your list.

Slowly work your way through some of the more manageable, less scary, and less consequential problems to build up your momentum and the feel-good factor it gives you.

Then, whether alone or with the help of others, begin to look for ways to take on the bigger problems—the ones you’ve been running from for a while, or the ones that you don’t know how to deal with.

This goes against some of the advice you’ll read in self-help articles. Often, the advice is to “eat that frog” which means to tackle the biggest things first because they are the most important.

But when you suffer from a lack of confidence and belief, or you have mental health issues such as depression, it’s not realistic to jump in at the deep end right away, at least not without professional help.

6. Schedule in some rest and relaxation.

Once you begin down the path of facing and tackling your problems, you’ll need to consciously put some time in your diary for activities that can take your mind off your problems.

Taking your mind off your problems is different to running away from them.

You acknowledge that they exist, but you accept that if you try to tackle everything at once, you are likely to feel overwhelmed by it all or risk burnout.

It’s worth noting that you will get more done and tackle more problems in the long run if you give yourself a bit of downtime in between periods of sustained effort.

The trick is not to fall into a false sense of security and spend too long on leisure activities in any one go. You risk losing your momentum if you don’t get back to the issues at hand within a reasonable timeframe.

What is a reasonable timeframe will depend on your circumstances and mental health, but your intuition will be able to guide you.

At some point, you’ll just know that you’ve rested long enough and that you should begin to find solutions to your problems once again.

7. Audit your friend circle and those closest to you.

There are a lot of people out in the world who are not positive or supportive.

They can only see the world in dark or bleak ways and they insist on infecting everyone around them with the same negativity.

There are also people out there who want to see others suffer just like they do or undermine the efforts and success of others.

It’s a “crabs in a bucket” mentality, where one crab will try to pull itself out and the other crabs will pull it back in.

You must take a long hard look at the people who are closest to you.

You will have a much harder time confronting your problems and improving yourself if your friends or romantic partner is belittling you, undermining your efforts, or is outright hostile to you improving yourself.

It is an unfortunate reality that so many people tend to lose friends when they start focusing on self-improvement.

Self-improvement is difficult. And when you decide to improve yourself or your position, other people around you may unfairly think you’re attacking their own choices or unwillingness to improve.

You cannot let yourself get sucked into that kind of negativity and downward spiral.

Does that mean you forego and throw away your friends?

No. Not at all.

What it does mean is that you have to ensure that people who would undermine or destroy your progress do not have the power or capability to do so.

It is your life, not theirs; and there is no reason to put up with passive-aggressive comments or outright hostility.

Unfortunately, we sometimes end up outgrowing old friendships and relationships because they were rooted in negativity that wasn’t recognizable at the time.

That is a decision that you hopefully won’t have to make, but don’t be too surprised if you do.

8. Make the choice to stand and fight.

Every meaningful life change comes down to a person deciding that enough is enough.

They no longer want to experience life the way that they do.

It doesn’t matter how far or fast one runs, sooner or later, our problems eventually catch up to us.

At some point, you simply have to make the choice to stand up and fight to win, no matter the cost.

You have to be the one to make the choice to stand up to your fears and battle them.

You may feel like you don’t have the strength or ability to do it, but you do. You have more strength and resilience than you may realize.

But it is quite hard to do completely on your own.

Do seek the help of a certified mental health professional. They can serve as an excellent guide to overcoming your fears and problems so you can start living your life on your own terms.

Why? Because they are trained to help people in situations like yours.

They can guide you and help you to tackle your problems head on rather than avoiding them or living in denial.

BetterHelp.com is a website where you can connect with a therapist via phone, video, or instant message.

While you may try to work through this yourself, it may be a bigger issue than self-help can address.

And if it is affecting your mental well-being, relationships, or life in general, it is a significant thing that needs to be resolved.

Too many people try to muddle through and do their best to overcome issues that they never really get to grips with. If it’s at all possible in your circumstances, therapy is 100% the best way forward.

Online therapy is actually a good option for many people. It’s more convenient than in-person therapy and is more affordable in a lot of cases.

And you get access to the same level of qualified and experienced professional.

Here’s that link again if you’d like to learn more about the service BetterHelp.com provide and the process of getting started.

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)

Is it ok to run away from your problems.

When you run away from your problems, they don’t get resolved.

Instead, you effectively pile them onto your future self who then might have to deal with an even bigger obstacle or more serious fallout than if you tackle them now.

Despite the temporary sense of comfort that you may feel from avoiding the problems you face, those problems continue to hang over you which can lead to stress and anxiety in the meantime.

And when you aren’t willing to tackle an issue in your life, it may put undue pressure on other people who have to either deal with it themselves or suffer the consequences too.

This is especially true in romantic relationships where one partner ignores problems which then forces the other to handle them. Eventually, the other partner may decide that enough is enough and leave.

How do I know if I’m running away from my problems?

There are several clear signs that indicate when you’re running away from something. They are:

You won’t talk about it – you refuse to engage in conversation about the issue no matter how hard other people might try to bring it up. You quickly change the subject or ignore them entirely.

You look for excuses why you can’t do something – there’s always a reason why you aren’t able to do something about that particular problem right now, even if you have to make that reason up.

You indulge in self-destructive behaviors to get relief – you might smoke or drink, take drugs or engage in risky behavior so as to take your mind off your problems.

You downplay the significance of something – you convince yourself and you try to convince others that whatever it is isn’t all that important and that it’s no big deal that you are doing something about it.

You focus on others – rather than face your own problems, you might pour your efforts into helping others with theirs. Why? Because there is less personal significance to someone else’s problems and so it feels like less pressure. It’s easier to analyze their problems from a distance than face yours close up.

What’s the difference between ‘starting over’ and ‘running away’?

Starting over actually requires you to face your problems and deal with them so that you can begin again with a clean slate. You can’t start over whilst the ghosts from your past haunt you.

About The Author

how to deal with your problems on your own

Jack Nollan is a person who has lived with Bipolar Disorder and Bipolar-depression for almost 30 years now. Jack is a mental health writer of 10 years who pairs lived experience with evidence-based information to provide perspective from the side of the mental health consumer. With hands-on experience as the facilitator of a mental health support group, Jack has a firm grasp of the wide range of struggles people face when their mind is not in the healthiest of places. Jack is an activist who is passionate about helping disadvantaged people find a better path.

How to Be Mentally Strong: 14 Ways to Build Mental Toughness

Some people seem to quickly bounce back from personal failures and setbacks, while others find it much more difficult.

When life knocks you down, are you quick to pick yourself up and adapt to the circumstances? Or do you find yourself completely overwhelmed with little confidence in your ability to deal with the challenge?

If you find yourself in the latter category, not to worry. Luckily there are many practical strategies for building mental resilience; it is a quality that can be learned and honed through practice, discipline and hard work.

Our resilience is often tested when life circumstances change unexpectedly and for the worse — such as the death of a loved one, the loss of a job, or the end of a relationship. Such challenges, however, present the opportunity to rise above and come back even stronger than you were before.

Read on to learn techniques to build and improve your mental resilience, and deal effectively with the challenges of life.

Before you read on, we thought you might like to download our three Resilience Exercises for free . These engaging, science-based exercises will help you to effectively deal with difficult circumstances and give you the tools to improve the resilience of your clients, students or employees.

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Mental Strength is the capacity of an individual to deal effectively with stressors, pressures and challenges and perform to the best of their ability, irrespective of the circumstances in which they find themselves (Clough, 2002).

Building mental strength is fundamental to living your best life . Just as we go to the gym and lift weights in order to build our physical muscles, we must also develop our mental health through the use of mental tools and techniques.

Optimal mental health helps us to live a life that we love, have meaningful social connections, and positive self-esteem . It also aids in our ability to take risks, try new things, and cope with any difficult situations that life may throw at us.

Mental strength involves developing daily habits that build mental muscle. It also involves giving up bad habits that hold you back.

Morin, 2017

In order to be mentally healthy, we must build up our mental strength! Mental strength is something that is developed over time by individuals who choose to make personal development a priority. Much like seeing physical gains from working out and eating healthier, we must develop healthy mental habits, like practicing gratitude , if we want to experience mental health gains.

Likewise, to see physical gains we must also give up unhealthy habits, such as eating junk food, and for mental gains, give up unhealthy habits such as feeling sorry for oneself.

We are all able to become mentally stronger, the key is to keep practicing and exercising your mental muscles — just as you would if you were trying to build physical strength!

The term “ Resilience ,” commonly used in relation to positive mental health, is actually borrowed from engineering, where it refers to the ability of a substance or object to spring back into shape (“Resilience,” 2019). In the same way that a material object would require strength and flexibility in order to bounce back, so too does an individual require these characteristics in order to be mentally resilient.

The American Psychological Association (2014) defines Mental Resilience as:

“The process of adapting well in the face of adversity, trauma, tragedy, threats or even significant sources of stress.”

A similar concept, Mental Toughness , refers to the ability to stay strong in the face of adversity; to keep your focus and determination despite the difficulties you encounter. A mentally tough individual sees challenge and adversity as an opportunity and not a threat, and has the confidence and positive approach to take what comes in their stride (Strycharczyk, 2015).

To be mentally tough, you must have some degree of resilience , but not all resilient individuals are necessarily mentally tough. If you think of it as a metaphor, resilience would be the mountain, while mental toughness might be one of the strategies for climbing that mountain.

Strycharczyk (2015) finds it useful to think of the difference in terms of the phrase ‘survive and prosper.’ Resilience helps you to survive, and mental toughness helps you to prosper.

Mental toughness begins when you choose to take notice of what’s passing through your mind, without identifying personally with those thoughts or feelings. Then, finding the determination to evoke optimistic thoughts about the situation at hand.

According to Strycharczyk and Clough (n.d.), techniques for developing mental toughness revolve around five themes:

Positive Thinking
Anxiety Control
Visualization
Goal Setting
Attentional Control

As with building mental strength, developing mental toughness does require self-awareness and commitment. Generally speaking, mentally tough individuals appear to achieve more than the mentally sensitive and enjoy a greater degree of contentment.

Prof Clough (Strycharczyk & Clough (n.d.)) describes four important traits of mental toughness, which he calls the 4C’s: Control, Commitment, Challenge, and Confidence. One may possess a few of these traits, but having the four qualities in combination is the key to success.

Mental toughness can be measured using the MTQ48 Psychometric Tool, constructed by Professor Peter Clough of Manchester Metropolitan University. The MTQ48 Tool is scientifically valid and reliable and based on this 4C’s framework, which measures key components of mental toughness.

The 4 C’s of Mental Toughness:

This is the extent to which you feel you are in control of your life, including your emotions and sense of life purpose . The control component can be considered your self-esteem. To be high on the Control scale means to feel comfortable in your own skin and have a good sense of who you are.

You’re able to control your emotions — less likely to reveal your emotional state to others — and be less distracted by the emotions of others. To be low on the Control scale means you might feel like events happen to you and that you have no control or influence over what happens.

2. Commitment

This is the extent of your personal focus and reliability. To be high on the Commitment scale is to be able to effectively set goals and consistently achieve them, without getting distracted. A high Commitment level indicates that you’re good at establishing routines and habits that cultivate success.

To be low on the Commitment scale indicates that you may find it difficult to set and prioritize goals, or adapt routines or habits indicative of success. You might also be easily distracted by other people or competing priorities.

Together, the Control and Commitment scales represent the Resilience part of the Mental Toughness definition. This makes sense because the ability to bounce back from setbacks requires a sense of knowing that you are in control of your life and can make a change. It also requires focus and the ability to establish habits and targets that will get you back on track to your chosen path.

3. Challenge

This is the extent to which you are driven and adaptable. To be high on the Challenge scale means that you are driven to achieve your personal best, and you see challenges, change, and adversity as opportunities rather than threats; you are likely to be flexible and agile. To be low on the Challenge scale means that you might see change as a threat, and avoid novel or challenging situations out of fear of failure.

4. Confidence

This is the extent to which you believe in your ability to be productive and capable; it is your self-belief and the belief that you can influence others. To be high on the Confidence scale is to believe that you will successfully complete tasks, and to take setbacks in stride while maintaining routine and even strengthening your resolve. To be low on the

Confidence scale means that you are easily unsettled by setbacks, and do not believe that you are capable or have any influence over others.

Together, the Challenge and Confidence scales represent the Confidence part of the Mental Toughness definition. This represents one’s ability to identify and seize an opportunity, and to see situations as opportunities to embrace and explore. This makes sense because if you are confident in yourself and your abilities and engage easily with others, you are more likely to convert challenges into successful outcomes.

Download 3 Free Resilience Exercises (PDF)

These detailed, science-based exercises will equip you or your clients to recover from personal challenges and turn setbacks into opportunities for growth.

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By filling out your name and email address below.

As mentioned earlier, mental resilience is not a trait that people either have or don’t have. Rather, it involves behaviors, thoughts, and actions that can be learned and developed in everyone. Of course, there may be a genetic component to a person’s level of mental resilience, but it is certainly something that can be built upon.

In a paper inspired by the 2013 panel of the International Society for Traumatic Stress Studies, Drs. Southwick, Bonanno, Masten, Panter-Brick, and Yehuda (2013) tackled some of the most pressing current questions in the field of resilience research.

The panelists had slightly different definitions of resilience, but most of the definitions included a concept of healthy, adaptive, positive functioning in the aftermath of adversity. They agreed that “ resilience is a complex construct and it may be defined differently in the context of individuals, families, organizations, societies, and cultures. ”

There was also a consensus that one’s ability to develop resilience is based on many factors, including genetic, developmental, demographic, cultural, economic, and social variables; but that resilience can be cultivated, nonetheless (Southwick et al., 2013).

Simply put, resilience can be cultivated through will-power, discipline, and hard work; and there are many strategies by which to do so. The key is to identify ways that are likely to work well for you as part of your own personal strategy for cultivating resilience.

Just like adults, mentally strong children and adolescents are able to tackle problems, bounce back from failure, and cope with life’s challenges and hardships. They are resilient and have the courage and confidence to reach their full potential.

Developing mental strength in students is just as important, if not more important, as developing mental strength in adults. According to Morin (2018), helping kids develop mental strength requires a three-pronged approach, teaching them how to:

Replace negative thoughts with positive, more realistic thoughts
Control their emotions so their emotions don’t control them
Take positive action.

Though there are many strategies, discipline techniques, and teaching tools that help children to build their mental muscle, here are 10 strategies to help students develop the strength they need to become a mentally strong adult:

1. Teach Specific Skills

Rather than making kids suffer for their mistakes, discipline should be about teaching kids how to do better next time. Instead of punishment, use consequences that teach useful skills, such as problem-solving and impulse control.

2. Let Your Child Make Mistakes

Mistakes are an inevitable part of life and learning. Teach your child or student that this is so and that they shouldn’t be embarrassed or ashamed about getting something wrong.

3. Teach Your Child How to Develop Healthy Self-Talk

It’s important to help children develop a realistic and optimistic outlook on life, and how to reframe negative thoughts when they arise. Learning this skill early in life will help them persevere through difficult times.

4. Encourage Your Child to Face Fears Head-On

Enabling a child to face their fears head-on will help them gain invaluable confidence. One way to do this is to teach your child to step outside of their comfort zone and face their fears one small step at a time while praising and rewarding their efforts.

5. Allow Your Child to Feel Uncomfortable

It can be tempting to soothe or rescue your child or student whenever they are struggling, but it’s important to allow them to sometimes lose or struggle, and insist that they are responsible even when they don’t want to be. Dealing with small struggles on their own can help children to build their mental strength.

6. Build Character

Children with a strong moral compass and value system will be better able to make healthy decisions. You can help by instilling values such as honesty and compassion , and creating learning opportunities that reinforce these values, regularly.

7. Make Gratitude a Priority

Practicing gratitude is one of the greatest things you can do for your mental health, and it’s no different for children (for more, see our Gratitute Tree for Kids .) Gratitude helps us to keep things in perspective, even during the most challenging times. To raise a mentally strong child you should encourage them to practice gratitude on a regular basis.

8. Affirm Personal Responsibility

Accepting responsibility for your actions or mistakes is also part of building mental strength involves. If your student is trying to blame others for the way he/she thinks, feels or behaves, simply steer them away from excuses and allow for explanations.

9. Teach Emotion Regulation Skills

Instead of soothing or calming down your child every time they are upset, teach them how to deal with uncomfortable emotions on their own so that they don’t grow up depending on you to regulate their mood. Children who understand their range of feelings (see the Emotion Wheel ) and have experience dealing with them are better prepared to deal with the ups and downs of life.

10. Be A Role Model for Mental Strength

There’s no better way to teach a child than by example. To encourage mental strength in your students or children, you must demonstrate mental strength. Show them that you make self-improvement a priority in your life, and talk about your goals and steps you take to grow stronger.

As we’ve learned, your level of mental resilience is not something that is decided upon at birth — it can be improved over the course of an individual’s life. Below we will explore a number of different strategies and techniques used to improve mental resilience.

Rob Whitley, Ph.D. (2018), suggests three resilience-enhancing strategies:

1. Skill Acquisition

Acquiring new skills can play an important part in building resilience, as it helps to develop a sense of mastery and competency — both of which can be utilized during challenging times, as well as increase one’s self-esteem and ability to problem solve.

Skills to be learned will depend on the individual. For example, some might benefit from improving cognitive skills such as working memory or selective attention, which will help with everyday functioning. Others might benefit from learning new hobbies activities through competency-based learning.

Acquiring new skills within a group setting gives the added benefit of social support, which also cultivates resilience.

2. Goal Setting

The ability to develop goals , actionable steps to achieve those goals , and to execute, all help to develop will-power and mental resilience. Goals can be large or small, related to physical health, emotional wellbeing, career, finance, spirituality, or just about anything. Goals that involve skill-acquisition will have a double benefit. For example, learning to play an instrument or learning a new language.

Some research indicates that setting and working towards goals beyond the individual, i.e. religious involvement or volunteering for a cause, can be especially useful in building resiliency. This may provide a deeper sense of purpose and connection, which can be valuable during challenging times.

3. Controlled Exposure

Controlled exposure refers to the gradual exposure to anxiety-provoking situations, and is used to help individuals overcome their fears. Research indicates that this can foster resilience, and especially so when it involves skill-acquisition and goal setting — a triple benefit.

Public speaking, for example, is a useful life skill but also something that evokes fear in many people. People who are afraid of public speaking can set goals involving controlled exposure, in order to develop or acquire this particular skill. They can expose themselves to a small audience of one or two people, and progressively increase their audience size over time.

This type of action plan can be initiated by the individual, or it can be developed with a therapist trained in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy . Successful efforts can increase self-esteem and a sense of autonomy and mastery, all of which can be utilized in times of adversity.

11 Further Strategies From The APA

The American Psychology Association (“Road to Resilience,” n.d.) shares 11 strategies for building mental resilience:

1. Make connections.

Resilience can be strengthened through our connection to family, friends, and community. Healthy relationships with people who care about you and will listen to your problems, offer support during difficult times and can help us to reclaim hope. Likewise, assisting others in their time of need can benefit us greatly and foster our own sense of resilience .

2. Avoid seeing crises as insurmountable problems.

We cannot change the external events happening around us, but we can control our reaction to these events. In life, there will always be challenges, but it’s important to look beyond whatever stressful situation you are faced with, and remember that circumstances will change. Take notice of the subtle ways in which you may already start feeling better as you deal with the difficult situation.

3. Accept that change is a part of living.

They say that the only thing constant in life is change. As a result of difficult circumstances, certain goals may no longer be realistic or attainable. By accepting that which you cannot change, it allows you to focus on the things that you do have control over.

4. Move toward your goals. (*also suggested by Whitley, 2018)

Though it is important to develop long-term, big-picture goals, it is essential to make sure they’re realistic. Creating small, actionable steps makes our goals achievable, and helps us to regularly work towards these goals, creating small “wins” along the way. Try to accomplish one small step towards your goal every day.

5. Take decisive actions.

Instead of shying away from problems and stresses, wishing they would just go away, try to take decisive action whenever possible.

6. Look for opportunities for self-discovery.

Sometimes tragedy can result in great learnings and personal growth. Living through a difficult situation can increase our self-confidence and sense of self-worth, strengthen our relationships, and teach us a great deal about ourselves. Many people who have experienced hardship have also reported a heightened appreciation for life and deepened spirituality.

7. Nurture a positive view of yourself.

Working to develop confidence in yourself can be beneficial in preventing difficulties, as well as building resilience. Having a positive view of yourself is crucial when it comes to problem-solving and trusting your own instincts.

8. Keep things in perspective.

When times get tough, always remember that things could be worse; try to avoid blowing things out of proportion. In cultivating resilience it helps to keep a long-term perspective when facing difficult or painful events.

9. Maintain a hopeful outlook.

When we focus on what is negative about a situation and remain in a fearful state, we are less likely to find a solution. Try to maintain a hopeful, optimistic outlook, and expect a positive outcome instead of a negative one. Visualization can be a helpful technique in this respect.

10. Take care of yourself.

Self-care is an essential strategy for building resilience and helps to keep your mind and body healthy enough to deal with difficult situations as they arise. Taking care of yourself means paying attention to your own needs and feelings, and engaging in activities that bring you joy and relaxation. Regular physical exercise is also a great form of self-care.

11. Additional ways of strengthening resilience may be helpful.

Resilience building can look like different things to different people. Journaling , practicing gratitude , meditation , and other spiritual practices help some people to restore hope and strengthen their resolve.

The American Psychological Association (2014) defines resilience as the process of adapting well in the face of adversity, trauma, tragedy, threats or significant sources of stress — such as family and relationship problems, serious health problems or workplace and financial stressors. In other words, “bouncing back” from difficult experiences. Resilience is not a trait that people either have or do not have.

It involves behaviors, thoughts, and actions that can be learned and developed in anyone.

Research has shown that resilience is ordinary, not extraordinary and that people commonly demonstrate resilience. A good example of this is the response of many Americans to the September 11 2001, terrorist attacks, and individuals’ efforts to rebuild their lives.

According to the APA, being resilient does not mean that a person doesn’t experience hardships or adversities. In fact, a considerable amount of emotional distress is common in people who have dealt with difficulties and trauma in their lives.

Factors in Resilience

Many factors contribute to resilience, but studies have shown that the primary factor is having supportive relationships within and outside of the family. Relationships that are caring, loving, and offer encouragement and reassurance, help cultivate a person’s resilience.

The APA suggests several additional factors that are associated with resilience, including:

The capacity to make realistic plans and actionable steps to carry them out.
A positive self-view and confidence in your strengths and abilities.
Communication and problem-solving skills.
The capacity to manage and regulate strong feelings and impulses.

All of these are factors that people can develop within themselves.

Strategies For Building Resilience

When it comes to developing resilience , strategies will vary between each individual. We all react differently to traumatic and stressful life events, so an approach that works well for one person might not work for another. For example, some variation as to how one might communicate feelings and deal with adversity may reflect cultural differences, etc.

Learning from your Past

Taking a look at past experiences and sources of personal strength may provide insight as to which resilience building strategies will work for you. Below are some guiding questions from the American Psychology Association, that you can ask yourself about how you’ve reacted to challenging situations in the past. Exploring the answers to these questions can help you develop future strategies.

Consider the following:

What types of events have been most stressful for me?
How have those events typically affected me?
Have I found it helpful to think of important people in my life when I am distressed?
To whom have I reached out for support in working through a traumatic or stressful experience?
What have I learned about myself and my interactions with others during difficult times?
Has it been helpful for me to assist someone else going through a similar experience?
Have I been able to overcome obstacles, and if so, how?
What has helped make me feel more hopeful about the future?

Staying Flexible

A resilient mindset is a flexible mindset. As you encounter stressful circumstances and events in your life, it is helpful to maintain flexibility and balance in the following ways:

Let yourself experience strong emotions, and realize when you may need to put them aside in order to continue functioning.
Step forward and take action to deal with your problems and meet the demands of daily living; but also know when to step back and rest/reenergize yourself.
Spend time with loved ones who offer support and encouragement; nurture yourself.
Rely on others, but also know when to rely on yourself.

Places to Look for Help

Sometimes the support of family and friends is just not enough. Know when to seek help outside of your circle. People often find it helpful to turn to:

Self-help and community support groups Sharing experiences, emotions, information and ideas can provide great comfort to those who may feel like they’re alone during difficult times.
Books and other publications Hearing from others who have successfully navigated adverse situations like the one you’re going through, can provide great motivation and inspiration for developing a personal strategy.
Online resources There is a wealth of resources and information on the web about dealing with trauma and stress; just be sure the information is coming from a reputable source.
A licensed mental health professional For many, the above suggestions may be sufficient to cultivate resilience, but sometimes it’s best to seek professional help if you feel like you are unable to function in your daily life, as a result of traumatic or other stressful life events.

Continuing on your Journey

To help summarize the APA’s main points, a useful metaphor for resilience involves taking a journey on a kayak. On a rafting trip, you can encounter all kinds of different waters — rapids, slow water, shallow water and all kinds of crazy turns.

Much like in life, these changing circumstances affect your thoughts, mood, and the ways in which you will navigate yourself. In life, as in traveling down a river, it helps to have past experience and knowledge from which to draw on. Your journey should be guided by a strategy that is likely to work well for you.

Other important aspects include confidence and belief in your abilities to navigate the sometimes choppy waters, and perhaps having trusted companions to accompany and support you on the ride.

The Resilience Builder Program for Children and Adolescents — Enhancing Social Competence and Self-Regulation is an innovative program designed to increase resilience in youth. The book is based on a 12-week resilience-based group therapy program and applies Cognitive Behavioral Theory and strategies.

The program outlines 30 group sessions that work on the areas of self-esteem, self-control, confidence and coping strategies (Karapetian Alvord, Zucker, Johnson Grados, 2011).

Key competencies addressed in each session include self-awareness, flexible thinking, and social competence. Through discussion and hands-on techniques such as role-playing, group members learn about anger/anxiety management, problem-solving, personal space awareness, self-talk, friendship skills, and other essential topics pertaining to social and personal wellbeing.

These group activities help develop specific protective factors associated with resilience.

The program includes relaxation techniques such as visualization , calm breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, and yoga , to enhance self-regulation. In order to apply their learnings to the outside world, the program assigns homework, community field trips, as well as a parent’s involvement component.

Resilience Builder Program is inventive, well thought out, sequenced and formatted, and offers a well-structured group framework, concrete enough for beginners. If you are looking for a detailed program to teach your child or student how to be resilient, this is an excellent option.

If you are a coach, teacher or counselor and it is your passion to help others become more resilient, then the Realizing Resilience Masterclass© is exactly what you need.

Consisting of six modules which include positive psychology, resilience, attention, thoughts, action and motivation, this comprehensive online course will provide you with key psychological concepts, in an easily digestible manner for anyone that is new to the field.

Upon completion of the self-paced course, you will be awarded a certificate and can use the extensive library of tools, worksheets, videos, and presentations to teach resiliency.

“ Stamina ” is defined by The Oxford Dictionary as the ability to sustain prolonged physical or mental effort (“Stamina,” 2019).

Mental Stamina is the single defining trait that enables us to endure the adversities of life. It is essential for withstanding both long-term challenges or unforeseen and unexpected struggles, concerns or trauma, and is only developed by practice and repetition.

Mental stamina requires planning, strength, perseverance, and concentration (Walkaden, 2016).

Mental Stamina is like an evolved hybrid between grit and resilience.

(Walkaden, 2016).

Often when we talk about stamina we reference elite athletes and sports teams, as both physical and mental stamina is crucial for this type of performance. However, everyone can benefit from increased mental stamina, not just athletes. Although no one builds mental stamina overnight, below Corb (n.d.) offers 5 tips for building your mental stamina over time:

1. Think Positively

Self-confidence and the belief in one’s ability to perform and to make decisions is one of the most important characteristics of a healthy mind. Training yourself to think optimistically and find the positive in every situation will most certainly help to build mental stamina over time.

2. Use Visualization

Visualization is an excellent tool for managing stress, overwhelming situations, and performance anxiety. Close your eyes and imagine a time that you succeeded in a similar situation. This includes remembering the feeling that accompanied that achievement, not just the visual.

3. Plan for Setbacks

Life most certainly does not always go the way we hoped or planned that it would. It’s important to re-center yourself and regain focus after a setback, as opposed to dwelling on the loss or misfortune. We cannot control the external events that happen around us, but we can control what we do afterward. It’s a good idea to have a plan in place that will help you to deal when things don’t go according to plan.

4. Manage Stress

Our ability to manage stress plays a large role in our ability to build mental stamina. Though not all stress is bad — positive stress (excitement) can be a motivating factor — it has the same physical effects on our bodies.

Useful techniques for managing stress include meditation and progressive muscle relaxation. It’s important to remember that you are in control and of your mental state, and how you will handle the stressor at hand.

5. Get More Sleep

It’s no secret that getting enough sleep is vital to our physical and mental functioning in everyday life. Sufficient sleep can help with on-the-spot decision making and reaction time. A sufficient amount of sleep is said to be seven to nine hours, or more if you are performing high-stress activities, both physical and mental.

Community resilience is the sustained ability of a community to utilize available resources (energy, communication, transportation, food, etc.) to respond to, withstand, and recover from adverse situations (e.g. economic collapse to global catastrophic risks) (Bosher, L. & Chmutina, K., 2017).

Successful adaptation in the aftermath of a disaster ensures that a community can return to normal life as effortlessly as possible. Community adaptation is largely dependent on population wellness, functioning, and quality of life (Norris, Stevens, Pfefferbaum, Wyche, & Pfefferbaum, 2007).

As is the case when faced with any problem, a community should implement a plan of action in order to come together and rebuild after a disaster. Below are the key components necessary for a community to build collective resilience after a tragedy:

Reduce risk and resource inequities
Engage local people in mitigation
Create organizational linkages
Boost and protect social supports
Plan for not having a plan, which requires flexibility, decision‐making skills, and trusted sources of information that function in the face of unknowns.

While Mental Health Awareness draws attention to the importance of valuing your own mental health, it is also about positively impacting the lives (and mental wellness) of the people around you.

According to research on the foundation of social networks, the most important parts of establishing positive relationships are showing appreciation, being a good listener, and giving support to others when they need it (Ditzen & Heinrichs, 2014).

Furthermore, a strong social support network has been linked to a decrease in alcohol use, cardiovascular disease, and depressive thoughts (Cherry, 2020).

So do yourself and the ones around you a favor and remind them how loved and deserving they are of a little mood boost.

Remember : you never know what somebody else might be going through, so your random act of kindness might make a world of difference.

Resilience is a very important aspect of any relationship. Relationships require ongoing attention and cultivation, especially during times of adversity. Have you ever wondered what makes some friendships or romantic relationships more likely to survive than others? Below, Everly (2018) suggests certain factors which seem to foster resiliency in relationships, and increase their likelihood of survival.

Seven Characteristics of Highly Resilient Relationships

1. active optimism.

Active optimism is not just hoping that things will turn out well, rather, it is believing that things will turn out well and then taking action that will lead to a better outcome. In a relationship, this means an agreement to avoid critical, hurtful, cynical comments, and to instead, work together to harness the power of a positive self-fulfilling prophecy .

2. Honesty, Integrity, Accepting Responsibility for One’s Actions, and the Willingness to Forgive

When we commit to accepting responsibility for our actions, being loyal to one another and forgiving each other (and ourselves), we are bound to cultivate resilience within our relationships. This includes the old adage that honesty is the best policy, regardless of the outcome and consequences.

3. Decisiveness

This means having the courage to take action, even when the action is unpopular or provokes anxiety in a relationship. Decisive action sometimes means leaving a toxic relationship or one that is not serving you well anymore, often times promoting one’s own personal resilience.

4. Tenacity

Tenacity is to persevere , especially in the face of discouragement, setbacks, and failures. It is important in relationships to remember that there will always be ebbs and flows, good times as well as hard times.

5. Self-Control

As it pertains to relationships, the ability to control impulses, resist temptations and delay gratification are clearly important qualities. Self-control helps one to avoid practices that will negatively impact their relationship, while promoting healthy practices, especially in the face of adversity.

6. Interpersonal Connectedness Through Honest Communication

The sense of “belonging” and connectedness in a relationship is maintained and honed through open, honest communication . Often times the most difficult conversations to have are the most important ones.

7. Presence of Mind

Present mindedness has many positive implications for the individual, and this is also true for partners in a relationship. Present-minded awareness within a relationship leads to a calm, non-non-judgmental thinking style and open communication. Presence of mind enables collaborative thinking and openness to new solutions, rather than shooting them down and projecting blame.

These are just some of the characteristics that predict resilience in a relationship and increase the likelihood of a relationship rebounding after difficult situations.

If you want to become resilient for life, it’s best to start with building your resilience in the present moment! Practice and commitment to the strategies and tips discussed above, will over time increase your ability to bounce back and adapt once life has presented you with hardships.

The silver lining to experiencing adverse life events is that the more you are able to flex your resiliency muscle, the better you will be able to bounce back again the next time life throws you a curveball!

In this study, Lipaz Shamoa-Nir (2014) presents a description of building organizational and personal resilience at three levels of institution: management, faculty, and students of a multi-cultural college. To do so, the college utilized three different framework models: the contact hypothesis model, the joint projects model, and the theoretical model.

The study discusses the complexities of constructing this multi-dimensional framework for improving communication between a radically diverse group of students with opposing political and cultural views. The students are immigrants living under a continuous threat of social and economic crisis, with tension and conflicts both internally and externally.

Each level of the institution must contribute to developing coping strategies for crisis situations as well as everyday reality. For faculty, this includes building a program that considers the strengths and weaknesses of students from social minority groups. For students, this includes social projects that express their cultural and national diversity.

Most importantly, the process requires leadership from management-focused solutions and activities intended to instill a sense of confidence and certainty at all levels of the organization.

Some key takeaways from the case study are that although processes for building resilience may take several years, they can be accelerated by changes or crises that arise; and that while aspects of resilience are built-in routine situations, most of them are only tested in crisis situations.

Although every individual develops their own unique coping style, the proposed multi-dimensional resilience model references these six factors that comprise each style:

Beliefs and Values
Imagination

Lastly, the case study may very well be relevant to other organizations or communities during or post-conflict.

17 Tools To Build Resilience and Coping Skills

Empower others with the skills to manage and learn from inevitable life challenges using these 17 Resilience & Coping Exercises [PDF] , so you can increase their ability to thrive.

Created by Experts. 100% Science-based.

Confidence is one of the 4C’s of mental toughness! Nurturing a positive self-view and developing confidence in your ability to solve problems and in trusting your instincts, is one of the main factors in building resiliency. So how do we cultivate a more confident mind?

Below are 10 surefire ways that you can begin building your confidence (Bridges, 2017):

1. Get Things Done

Confidence and accomplishment go hand-in-hand. Accomplishing goals, and even taking small steps towards your goals, can help build your self-esteem and confidence in your abilities.

2. Monitor Your Progress

When working towards a goal, big or small, it is important to break it down into smaller, more manageable steps. In doing so, one will find it easier to monitor their progress and build confidence as they see the progress happening in real time. It helps to quantify your goals, as well as the actionable steps towards those goals.

3. Do The Right Thing

Highly confident people tend to live by a value system and make decisions based on that value system, even when it’s not necessarily in their best interest. When your decisions are aligned with your highest self, it can cultivate a more confident mind.

4. Exercise

Exercise not only benefits your physical body but your mind as well. Mental benefits of exercise include improved focus, memory retention, and stress and anxiety management. Exercise is also said to prevent and aid in depression. Confidence from exercising comes not only from the physical, visible benefits but also from the mental benefits.

5. Be Fearless

To be fearless in the pursuit of your dreams and goals requires a level of confidence. Conversely, challenging yourself by diving head first into things that scare you, will help to build your confidence. Often when we set big goals for ourselves it is easy to get overwhelmed and be fearful of failure. In these instances, it is important to gather up your courage and just keep going, one step at a time.

6. Stand-up For Yourself

To stand up for yourself when someone tells you that you can’t accomplish something is an effective way to develop your confidence. All too often we may end up believing the naysayers, as they are echoing the self-doubt we may be hearing in our heads. To nurture a positive self-view is to replace those negative thoughts with positive ones. Try to do so as well when someone does not believe in you.

7. Follow Through

Following through on what you say you’re going to do, not only helps to earn the respect of others but also respect for and confidence in yourself. Developing your follow-through skills will also help you accomplish your goals and likely strengthen your relationships, too.

8. Think Long-term

Often times, we trade in long-term happiness for more immediate gratification. We can build up our confidence by making sacrifices and decisions based on long-term goals rather than short-term comforts. Finding the discipline to do so will bring greater happiness in the long-term and a higher likelihood of achieving the goals you’ve set for yourself.

9. Don’t Care What Others Think

It is easy to fall into the trap of wondering what others may think of you, but it’s important to remember that what others think actually means nothing in the pursuit of your dreams. Build your confidence by believing in yourself and continuing to move forward, even when others might not agree with you.

10. Do More Of What Makes You Happy

When we take time for self-care and doing the things that bring us joy, it helps to enrich our lives and becomes our best selves. Confidence comes when we are aligned with our highest selves and proud of it.

At the root of many of these tools and strategies for building your mental fitness, are Self-Awareness and Acceptance . In order to enhance, improve or build upon our existing mental strength, we must be aware of where we are at, and also accept that this is where we are at. Only then can we begin to take steps toward a stronger, healthier mental state.

Another key takeaway is that you cannot control everything that happens to you but you absolutely can control how you react to what happens. In these cases, your mind can be your biggest asset or your worst enemy. When you learn how to train it well, you can bounce back from difficult situations and can accomplish incredible feats.

If you want to experience greater overall life satisfaction, you must be in good mental health. Mental fitness includes strength, toughness, and resilience. Building these muscles may be very challenging, and might take years of effort and commitment, but the benefits of being mentally fit and resilient will be seen in all aspects of your life.

Enhanced performance, better relationships, and a greater sense of wellbeing can all be achieved by developing healthy mental habits while giving up unhealthy mental habits.

We can all improve our mental health by implementing these strategies and committing to the process for the long-term.

We hope you enjoyed reading this article. Don’t forget to download our three Resilience Exercises for free .

Bosher, L. & Chmutina, K. (2017). Disaster Risk Reduction for the Built Environment . Hoboken, NJ: John Wiley & Sons.
Bridges, F. (2017, July 21). 10 Ways To Build Confidence. Forbes.com. Retrieved from https://www.forbes.com/sites/francesbridges/2017/07/21/10-ways-to-build-confidence/#6f1a4a293c59
Cherry, K. (2020). How social support contributes to psychological health . Verywellmind.com.
Clough, P.J., Earle, K., & Sewell, D. (2002). Mental toughness: The concept and its measurement. In Kobasa SC, 1979. Stressful events, Personality, and health: An inquiry into hardiness. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology . 7: 413-423.
Corb, R.E. (n.d.). 5 Tips for Building Mental Stamina. Retrieved from https://www.webmd.com/fitness-exercise/features/mental-stamina#1
Ditzen, B., & Heinrichs, M. (2014). Psychobiology of social support: the social dimension of stress buffering. Restorative Neurology and Neuroscience, 32(1) , 149-162.
Everly, Jr., G.S. (2018, April 24). 7 Characteristics of Resilient Relationships. Psychology Today . Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/when-disaster-strikes-inside-disaster-psychology/201804/7-characteristics-resilient
Karapetian Alvord, M., Zucker, B., & Johnson Grados, J. (2011). Resilience Builder Program for Children and Adolescents — Enhancing Social Competence and Self-Regulation . Retrieved from https://www.researchpress.com/books/682/resilience-builder-program-children-and-adolescents
Morin, A. (2017, April 29). Is It Best to Be Emotionally Intelligent or Mentally Strong? Psychology Today . Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/what-mentally-strong-people-dont-do/201704/is-it-best-be-emotionally-intelligent-or-mentally
Morin, A. (2019, January 24). 10 Tips for Raising Mentally Strong Kids. Retrieved from https://www.verywellfamily.com/tips-for-raising-mentally-strong-kids-1095020
Norris, F.H., Stevens, S.P., Pfefferbaum, B., Wyche, K.F., & Pfefferbaum, R.L. (2007). Community Resilience as a Metaphor, Theory, Set of Capacities, and Strategy for Disaster Readiness. Wiley Online Library . Retrieved from https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1007/s10464-007-9156-6
Resilience. (2019). In OxfordDictionaries.com. Retrieved from http://www.oxforddictionaries.com/definition/english/resilience
Shamoa-Nir, L. (2014). Defining Resilience from Practice: Case Study of Resilience Building in a Multi-Cultural College. ScienceDirect, Procedia Economics and Finance , (18), 279–286. Retrieved from https://ac.els-cdn.com/S2212567114009411/1-s2.0-S2212567114009411-main.pdf?
Southwick, S.M., Bonanno, G.A., Masten, A.S., Panter-Brick, C., & Yehuda, R. (2014). Resilience definitions, theory, and challenges: interdisciplinary perspectives. Eur J Psychotraumatol. Retrieved from https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4185134/
Stamina. (2019). In OxfordDictionaries.com. Retrieved from http://www.oxforddictionaries.com/definition/english/stamina
Strycharczyk, D. (2015, July 31). Resilience and Mental Toughness: Is There a Difference and Does it Matter? Retrieved from https://www.koganpage.com/article/resilience-and-mental-toughness-is-there-a-difference-and-does-it-matter
Strycharczyk, D. & Clough, P. (n.d.). Resilience, Mental Toughness. Retrieved from https://www.fahr.gov.ae/Portal/Userfiles/Assets/Documents/4d12e7a0.pdf
The Road to Resilience. (n.d.). American Psychology Association . Retrieved from https://www.apa.org/helpcenter/road-resilience.aspx
Walkaden, C. (2017, July 14). What is Mental Stamina. Retrieved from https://www.cwcounselling.com.au/what-is-mental-stamina-watch-free-webinar/
What is Mental Toughness? (n.d.). Retrieved from http://www.mentaltoughnessinc.com/what-is-mental-toughness/
Whitley, R. (2018, February 15). Three Simple Ways to Enhance Mental Health Resilience. Psychology Today . Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/talking-about-men/201802/three-simple-ways-enhance-mental-health-resilience

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Help me a lot to take a life forward with a lot of confidence. Actually after the pandemic i am a jobless person. Still i am jobless but i decided to face my challenge. Thanks for valuable article

Hello Doctors! The lessons are interesting and beneficial, I learned so much. kudos! to all, what you all shared in here are invaluable and that will remain as of the bests part of our lives.

These guidelines are really very useful. I have read through once but Iam going to give them more attention,because I have met of those that I had already practiced. Iam very grateful,and shall soon be sharing more. Kindest.

we appreciate your great work from RWANDA

very helpful for me i am in difficult situation in my life in am very diperresed my mid wos stuck but my confidence is not ded and i wos stand amd move on with problems thanks.

Really needed to hear this, today a warrior was born!

This seems to make sense but an overconfidence or ignorance can actually lead to inefficiency. As a gamer I have defeated many players who seemed more confident but did not really know what they were doing. So, this advice is good in a sense but does not really work as things are more complicated I guess.

I have learnt great motivation from this article. It’s a great ideas those who want mentally strong.

To Nicole Celestine Thank you so much for your great work. It is so good for all those who are willing to be good humans. So many people are in need of this kind of writing. I hope that you will write more of this kind.

I am 57 and on the outside, My disability is 2399 per month.I’ve because and tired and often want to not be on this planet, No one will help me friend. I have 2 narcisistc men are mean to me and so is boyfriend. I want out if Washington so badly. I have some money to use from paris. PLEASE countt me into this program. Thank this would peaceful to start over. I’m in. trap. 714 4933483.

Thank you @

I’m sorry to hear that you are struggling. Please know there are services and people in your area who care and can help you leave an abusive situation (which it sounds like you may be in). Therefore, I would encourage you to reach out for support. A good starting point may be to reach out to one or more of these shelters/services in the Washington area. At a minimum, they should be able to connect you to further support.

Keep safe, and I hope things start looking up for you soon.

– Nicole | Community Manager

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Tiny Buddha’s Breaking Barriers to Self-Care

“ If you think you’re enlightened, go spend a week with your family.” ~ Ram Dass

I just returned from a four-day trip with my family. It was my own family of four (my husband and two kids), plus my mom, my two sisters, and my brother-in-law.

It was great. We get along well and have fun together.

And, it was four days with family.

It’s a funny thing…although you grow up with your siblings, listening to and being influenced by your parents, you all end up so unique—different from each other and different from the adults who raised you.

Of course we’re all unique. But our differences seem to be a little harder to accept or dismiss when we’re talking about family. These are the people you care about most in the world, and that usually means they can get under your skin like no others.

We tend to have the most opinions about, and agendas for, the ones with whom we have the deepest emotional connection. Unconditional love and all of that good stuff aside, four days with family can be the perfect breeding ground for I-can’t-believe-she-said-that and I-must-be-adopted.

A Shift in Understanding

In the past, when I’d think about the frustration and annoyance that would come up around my family, it looked very real. It looked like it was definitely about—and caused by—them.

I would have described it something like this: “Being around my family stirs stuff up. That’s normal, right? I experience some frustration, but it’s relatively minor. We get along great for the most part, and whatever annoyance there is tends to fade as soon as we go our separate ways.”

Basically, it looked to me as if there was an actual issue with my family, but I was grateful that it was minor. I was good at seeing the bright side .

Bright side-looking isn’t all bad. That was the best way I could see our “issue” for a long time and it served me. It kept me showing up and it allowed me to mostly enjoy our time together.

But on this most recent trip, I was blessed with an insight that gave me a different understanding of the exact same circumstances.

What I saw is that there is no problem with my family. There never was.

We don’t have an actual issue . If you looked at us from the outside, you’d see eight people hanging out with each other. There is no problem.

The “issue” I was feeling and attributing to my family all these years was nothing more than my own thinking. It’s just where my mind tends to go.

My mind likes to tell stories and get quite overactive when it comes to my family. It’s been doing that for decades, actually.

When I’m around them, my mind tells predictable, old tales tinged with frustration and fear, full of why-do-they-do that, and they-don’t-ever, and what-about-me. On this particular night, my mind was full of stories of how we should feel around each other, how we should be on the same page, how people should listen to me more.

And those stories have nothing to do with my family. They have to do with my own unmet expectations and my own biased mind in the moment, not with my family at all.

What a relief! The moment I saw this, the tension was gone. This may sound like a strange reaction, but I found it hilarious, actually, to see that I’ve spent thirty-some years in a mental dialogue about something that was never about what it looked to be about.

The mental dialogue was the source of my angst all along.

The Same May Be True for You

The same may be true for you and your family, or whatever you think your outside “issue” is, as well.

Part of why my insight had such an impact on me is that it wasn’t just about me and my family. It showed up as I found myself lying in bed ruminating about what someone had said earlier that day. But the problem wasn’t what they had said.

It hit me like a ton of bricks that the rumination my mind happened to be doing was the only “problem” I had ever had.

Your opinionated, personal mind is either being quiet or loud. When it’s quiet, it looks like all is well in the world outside. Actually, all is well on the world inside —the peace you’re feeling is your own inner peace.

And when your mind is loud, it looks like all is chaotic in the world outside. Actually, it’s just a little chaotic internally , at the moment. It may have nothing to do with what it looks like it’s about. Or, as they say, it’s not what you think…it’s what you think .

This difference may sound insignificant, but it’s been really huge for me. I thought I was getting off good by putting a nice spin on our family “issues.”

To see that there are far fewer issues than I think—that often the main source of frustration is the show my mind is putting on in any moment—that’s freedom. When my mind gets tired or the show ends, it’s done. No issues to get over, just seeing thought as thought.

You might wonder: but what if there is something that needs to change? The beauty of seeing how your mind ruminates and replays and creates problems is that when it stops doing that so much, you know if there’s something to do and you do it, drama-free.

It’s like if you’re driving across the country with a filthy windshield. That’s kind of what an I-can’t-believe-she-said-that opinionated mind does—it muddies your inner windshield and taints everything you see.

So going on a road trip with globs of dirt and mud on your windshield, well, that’s going to affect your judgment, right? Things won’t look as clear. You’ll probably miss turns because you can barely read the signs. You might mistake a town as “dirty” or “blah” because you’re seeing the windshield more so than the city.

From a very busy mind that believes everything is a big issue to be solved, you’re not seeing clearly.

You’re might try to intervene on things that might naturally blow over; and fear, self-doubt, or resentment might have you staying quiet when there is a place to intervene. You’re seeing from a dirty windshield so you’re not getting an accurate view of things.

Seeing that your mind is constantly running what are essentially re-runs of this story about your family (or whatever your story happens to be about) lets you discount those stories. You naturally disconnect from them because you see the truth about them. That clears your windshield.

From that place, you handle any actual problems you might want to handle calmly and peacefully. It’s a night-and-day difference. From a clear mind, you simply know what to do and you go about doing it the best you can.

When you see that a gigantic proportion of your “issues” are caused by a dirty windshield, the windshield is wiped clear and anything that needs to actually be dealt with in the real world is dealt with. It’s as simple as that.

I can breathe deeper knowing that. I hope you can too.

Man lying on grass image via Shutterstock

About Amy Johnson

Dr. Amy Johnson is the author of several books, including The Little Book of Big Change: The No-Willpower Approach to Breaking Any Habit . She is also the creator of The Little School of Big Change , an online school that helps people find lasting freedom from habits and anxiety. Please go here to get a free sneak preview of the school.

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How can I improve my mental health on my own?

Therapy and medication aren’t the only ways to improve your mental health. There are lots of things that you can do on your own! Taking steps to educate yourself, learn your mind and body, and make changes over time in your life can improve your overall well-being.

Learn all you can about mental health

You can find lots of great mental health information online, on this site and many others. Read all you can about mental health. Understand mental illness—what it is and how it works. If you’ve been diagnosed with a mental health condition, you can also look up information on that specific condition. (Otherwise, start by taking one of our mental health tests !)

It also helps to find stories about people who have lived with mental illness. You can read blog posts or memoirs, watch videos, or visit forums like Reddit or other online communities . Hearing about other people’s experiences and mental health journeys will help you feel less alone. It can also help you identify exactly what’s going on and get good ideas about what might work for you.

Learn all you can about yourself

Your mental health is intertwined with your thoughts, feelings, and actions. It’s a part of who you are, and it’s hard to work on your mental health without learning more about yourself.

You might feel like you already know yourself pretty well, but we all have things we’re unaware of—or are too uncomfortable to admit. Here are some ways to get to know yourself better:

Track your moods. Every day, or even multiple times a day, just write down how you’re feeling . If you can identify what made you feel that way, write that down too. After a while, you’ll be able to identify patterns. Maybe depression hits you harder on cloudy days… or maybe you get super anxious when you interact with new people. The more you can predict your moods, the less they can take you by surprise—and the better you can cope with them. Be sure to track positive moods as well as negative ones!
Pay attention to your thinking. Your thoughts influence your feelings, which influence your behaviors. Be on the lookout for negative self-talk and unhelpful beliefs .
Identify your coping skills. We all have different ways of coping with our emotions. Do you stress-eat? Do you drink when you’re upset? Do you go for a run, play video games, listen to music, or call a friend? These are all coping skills, and they all have pros and cons. Try not to label your coping skills as “good” or “bad”. Instead, think about how well they work —short-term, and long-term.
Get feedback from people you trust. When you’re at your lowest point, you’ll probably need support and encouragement more than anything. But once you’re in a place where you can handle it, you’ll also want to get some more constructive feedback. Try to find people who will deliver it in a sensitive way … but be prepared to hear some things that might be uncomfortable.

Make small changes over time

As you learn more about yourself, you’ll probably notice some thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors you’d like to change. Pick one or two to work on at a time, and start with really easy ones. Once you’ve made progress on these, you’ll start feeling more confident. Eventually, you’ll be able to tackle bigger things. If you try to make too many changes at once, you’ll get overwhelmed.

Keep an open mind

As you’re deciding what kinds of things to try, keep an open mind about what might work. Sometimes the things you’re most resistant to are things you could really benefit from! (And yes, sometimes that includes things like therapy and medication.)

Revisit what you’re trying every once in a while. Make a note of what’s working and what’s not. As you grow as a person and your circumstances change, you may need to try different things to stay mentally healthy.

Practicing gratitude has been shown to reduce depression.

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Experiencing hardship and adversity

The role of resilience in times of crisis, building resilience tip 1: practice acceptance, tip 2: reach out to others, tip 3: invest in self-care, tip 4: look for meaning and purpose, tip 5: stay motivated, surviving tough times by building resilience.

Whether you’re facing a global or personal crisis—or a mix of both—building resilience can help you cope with stress, overcome adversity, and enjoy the better days to come.

Lately, the world seems to be lurching from one crisis to another. We’ve experienced a global pandemic, dramatic changes to how we conduct our daily lives, economic uncertainty, and political and social turmoil, as well as an array of natural disasters. Then there are personal traumas that people are also dealing with, such as the loss of a loved one, declining health, unemployment, divorce, violent crime, or tragic accidents. For many us, this is a time of unprecedented struggle and upheaval.

Whether the source of disruption in your life is a global emergency or a personal tragedy—or both—living through difficult times can take a heavy toll on your mood, health, and outlook. It can leave you feeling helpless and overwhelmed by stress and anxiety. You may be painfully grieving all that you’ve lost, flooded by a slew of difficult, conflicting emotions, or uncertain about how to move on with your life. You may even feel that your life is totally out of control and you’re powerless to affect whatever may happen next.

While there’s no way to avoid sorrow, adversity, or distress in life, there are ways to help smooth the rough waters and regain a sense of control. Resilience is the ability to cope with the loss, change, and trauma that have been inevitable parts of life even before these extraordinary times. Building resilience can help you better adapt to life-changing events, cope with turbulent times, and bounce back from hardship and tragedy.

Why do some people seem to be better able to cope in these troubling times than others? While everyone’s situation is different, it is true that people with resilience tend to have a higher tolerance for the emotional distress generated by hard times. The more resilient you are, the better you’re able to tolerate the feelings of stress, anxiety, and sadness that accompany trauma and adversity—and find a way to rebound from setbacks.

[Read: How to Cope with Traumatic Events]

We all go through bad times, we all experience disappointment, loss, and change, and we all feel sad, anxious, and stressed at various times in our lives. But building resilience can help you to maintain a positive outlook, face an uncertain future with less fear, and get through even the darkest days.

Speak to a Licensed Therapist

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Building resilience

If you’re more sensitive to emotional distress and are finding it difficult to cope with hardship or adversity, it’s important not to think of it as some kind of character flaw. Resilience isn’t a macho quality and it isn’t fixed; it’s an ongoing process that requires effort to build and maintain over time.

Unless you’ve faced adversity in your life before, it’s unlikely you’ve had the need or opportunity to develop resilience. Drawing on past experiences can help you cope with the challenges you’re facing today. Even if you’ve struggled to cope with adversity in the past, you may at least be able to recognize some of the ways of coping that DON’T help, such as trying to numb your feelings with drugs or alcohol .

While it’s often difficult to imagine anything good coming out of traumatic experiences, building resilience can help you find any positives in the difficulties you’ve faced. Surviving hardships can teach you important things about yourself and the world around you, strengthen your resolve, deepen your empathy, and in time enable you to evolve and grow as a human being.

Building resilience can also help you to:

Stay focused, flexible, and productive, in both good and bad times.
Feel less afraid of new experiences or an uncertain future.
Manage and tolerate strong emotions outside your comfort zone, even those you’d rather avoid like anger or despair.
Strengthen your relationships and improve your communication skills, especially under pressure.
Bolster your self-esteem.
Be confident you’ll eventually find a solution to a problem, even when one isn’t immediately apparent.

You can develop and improve these qualities of resilience at any time, regardless of your age, background, or circumstances. The following tips can help you face hardships with more confidence, better cope with these tumultuous times, and make it through to the brighter, more hopeful days ahead.

While we all react to stressful events in different ways, many of us try to protect ourselves by refusing to accept the truth of what’s happening. After all, by denying that you’re even experiencing a crisis, you can kid yourself that you still have some sense of control over what are usually uncontrollable events.

While denial can have some positive functions—it can give you an opportunity to come to terms with the shock of a traumatic event, for example—over time, it will just prolong your pain. Staying in denial will prevent you from adapting to your new circumstances, stop you from seeking solutions or taking action, and stifle the healing process.

Accept the situation

Change is an inevitable part of life and many aspects of the changing world are outside your individual control. You can’t control the spread of a virus, for example, the pace of social change, or how the economy behaves. While it can be tough to acknowledge, railing against events or circumstances outside your control will only drain you of energy and leave you feeling anxious and hopeless. Accepting your situation, on the other hand, can free you up to devote your energy to the things that you do have control over.

Focus on things within your control. Make a list of all the things you can’t control and give yourself permission to stop worrying about them . Instead, focus on the action that you can take. If you’re unemployed, you can’t control whether the ideal job appears in the wants ads or whether an employer will grant you an interview. But you can control how much time and effort you put into searching for work or brushing up on your skills. Similarly, if a loved one is facing a life-threatening illness, you may have to relinquish control to the medical experts, but you can still focus on providing your loved one with as much emotional support as possible.

Accept change by looking to your past. Looking back at examples where you’ve coped with uncertainty and change before can help you accept your current situation. Perhaps you suffered a painful breakup in the past and were eventually able to move on with your life, or you lost a job and ended up finding a better one? Examining your past successes can also help you see past the current crisis and derive some confidence that you’ll be able to pull through again.

Accept your feelings

It’s tempting to believe that the best way to get through hard times is by ignoring painful emotions and “putting on a brave face”. But unpleasant emotions exist whether you choose to acknowledge them or not. Trying to prevent your emotions from surfacing will only fuel your stress, delay acceptance of your new situation, and prevent you from moving on.

By allowing yourself to feel your emotions, you’ll find that even the most intense, upsetting feelings will pass, the trauma of these tough times will start to fade, and you’ll be able to find a path forward. Talk to someone you trust about what you’re experiencing or use HelpGuide’s Emotional Intelligence Toolkit to reconnect with your emotions.

Grieve your losses

Undergoing tough times usually involves some kind of loss. Whether it’s the loss of a loved one, the loss of a job, or the loss of your old life, it’s important you allow yourself the opportunity to grieve. Only by facing your grief —acknowledging and mourning your losses—will you be able to heal and eventually move on with your life.

Connecting with friends and family when you’re going through tough times can help ease stress, boost your mood, and make sense of all the change and disruption . Instead of feeling like you’re facing your problems alone, you can draw strength and build resilience from having others to lean on.

The people you reach out to don’t need to have answers to the problems you’re facing; they just need to be willing to listen to you without judging. In fact, what you talk about or the words used are often unimportant. It’s the human connection—eye contact, a smile, or a hug—that can make all the difference to how you’re feeling.

Prioritize relationships . Nothing carries the same health benefits as connecting face-to-face with someone who is caring and empathetic. These days, however, it’s not always possible to see friends and loved ones in person. If you’re kept apart by geography, lockdown, or travel restrictions, for example, reach out to others via phone, video chat, or social media.

Don’t withdraw in tough times. You may be inclined to retreat into your shell when you’re facing challenges in your life. You may fear being a burden to friends and loved ones or feel too exhausted to reach out. But try to keep up with social activities even when you don’t feel like it. Good friends won’t consider you a burden—they’re more likely to feel flattered that you trust them enough to confide in them.

Try to avoid negative people. Some friends are good listeners, kind and empathetic. Others seem to only fuel negative emotions, leaving you feeling even more stressed, anxious, or panicky. Try to avoid anyone who magnifies your problems, criticizes, or makes you feel judged.

Expand your social network. Even though relationships are vital for good mental health , building resilience, and getting through tough times, many of us feel that we don’t have anyone to turn to in times of need. But there are plenty of ways to build new friendships and improve your support network. If you know others who are lonely or isolated, be the one to take the initiative and reach out.

Living through tough times can be both mentally and physically draining. Constantly being in a heightened state of stress can lead to serious health problems, impact your immune and digestive systems, increase your risk of heart attack and stroke, and lead to burnout , a state of emotional, physical, and mental exhaustion.

Since the body and mind are so closely linked, investing in self-care is an important part of building resilience and getting through times of great stress. When your body feels strong and healthy so, too, will your mind.

Get enough exercise. When you’re dealing with chronic stress, you likely carry it somewhere in your body. Maybe your muscles are tense, you have back or neck pain, frequent headaches, insomnia, heartburn, or an upset stomach? Getting regular exercise not only releases powerful endorphins in the brain to improve your mood, but it can also help to ease tension in the body and counteract the physical symptoms of stress.

Practice a “mind and body” relaxation technique. Practices such as yoga, tai chi, and meditation blend deep breathing and body awareness to help you relieve stress and bring your nervous system back into balance. Try one of HelpGuide’s audio meditations to boost your physical and emotional well-being.

[Listen: Inner Strength Meditation]

Improve your sleep. When you’re facing adversity, nothing wears down your resilience like missing out on a good night’s sleep. Often, improving your daytime habits and taking the time to relax and unwind before bed can help you sleep better at night .

Eat well. There are no specific foods that can help build resilience and weather tough times. Rather, it’s your overall dietary pattern that’s important. Eating lots of processed and takeout food can take a toll on your brain and mood, sapping your energy, and weakening your immune system. A healthy diet , on the other hand—one that’s low in sugar and rich in healthy fats—can give you the energy and focus to tackle the challenges you’re facing.

Manage your overall stress levels . Taking steps to manage your overall stress can break the hold it has over your life, improve your mood, and help you build the resilience you need to hold up under pressure at this time.

It’s easy to get overwhelmed by frightening headlines or consumed by the crisis you’re facing. But whatever your circumstances, it doesn’t have to define you as a person. You are not your crisis. By pursuing activities that bring purpose and meaning to your life, you can keep your problems in perspective, prevent them from overwhelming you, and maintain your identity.

Everyone is different so we all have different ways of experiencing purpose and meaning. Don’t limit yourself by others’ expectations; pursue activities that are important to you and add satisfaction to your life.

Give help to others. When you’re in the midst of a crisis, it’s common to feel powerless and helpless. By proactively helping others, you can regain a sense of control as well as find purpose in your life. In fact, giving support can be just as beneficial as receiving support. Try volunteering , helping others in your neighborhood, giving blood, donating to a charity, or marching for a cause that’s important to you.

Pursue your hobbies and interests. In turbulent times, it’s important not to cast aside interests that nourish your spirit. For many of us, it’s these things that define us as individuals and bring meaning to our lives. Whether it’s playing a sport, caring for a pet , an artistic or musical endeavor, home improvement projects, or spending time in nature, continuing to draw pleasure from your pastimes adds to your ability to cope with the stress of difficult times.

An important part of coping with adversity and making it through tough times is to foster qualities of persistence and endurance. Tough times don’t last forever, but by their very nature they’re rarely over quickly. As you plot a road through the darkness, you need to find ways to stay motivated and persevere.

Deal with your problems one step at a time. If a problem is too big to deal with all at once, try breaking it down into smaller, more manageable steps. If your problem seems to have no possible solution, you can still take action by drawing up a list, researching more about the subject, or seeking the advice of a trusted friend or loved one.

Celebrate small wins. To stay motivated and positive as you navigate stormy seas in life, take a moment to savor your small successes. If you’re looking for work, for example, getting an interview isn’t as meaningful as landing a job, but it’s a sign of progress, a step in the right direction. Noting these small wins can give you a welcome break from all the stress and negativity you’re facing and encourage you to keep going.

[Read: Finding Joy During Difficult Times]

Try to maintain a hopeful outlook. While it’s difficult to stay positive and hopeful in the midst of a crisis, many of us tend to blow our problems out of proportion and make them seem even more negative than they really are. Try taking a step back and examining your situation as an outsider. Are their rays of hope that you can focus on? Instead of worrying about what you fear may happen, try visualizing what you’d like to happen instead.

Express gratitude. It may sound trite, but even when you’re experience terrible times, it’s usually possible to find one thing you can be grateful about—the love of a pet, for example, a beautiful sunset, or a caring friend. Taking a moment to acknowledge your gratitude for such small things can provide respite from the stress and really boost your mood.

Be kind to yourself. Everyone adjusts to change and upheaval differently. Don’t criticize your coping skills or beat yourself up for every mistake you make. Self-compassion is an important part of building resilience, so go easy on yourself.

More Information

Building your resilience - A roadmap for adapting to life-changing situations. (American Psychological Association)
Tolerating Distress - Tools to help you face your feelings during difficult times. (Centre for Clinical Interventions)
Five Science-Backed Strategies to Build Resilience - Ways to build resilience and confront emotional pain. (Greater Good Magazine, UC Berkeley)
Trauma- and Stressor-Related Disorders. (2013). In Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders . American Psychiatric Association. Link
Norris, F. H. “Epidemiology of Trauma: Frequency and Impact of Different Potentially Traumatic Events on Different Demographic Groups.” Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology 60, no. 3 (June 1992): 409–18. Link
Macedo, Tania, Livia Wilheim, Raquel Gonçalves, Evandro Silva Freire Coutinho, Liliane Vilete, Ivan Figueira, and Paula Ventura. “Building Resilience for Future Adversity: A Systematic Review of Interventions in Non-Clinical Samples of Adults.” BMC Psychiatry 14, no. 1 (August 14, 2014): 227. Link
Joyce, Sadhbh, Fiona Shand, Joseph Tighe, Steven J Laurent, Richard A Bryant, and Samuel B Harvey. “Road to Resilience: A Systematic Review and Meta-Analysis of Resilience Training Programmes and Interventions.” BMJ Open 8, no. 6 (June 14, 2018): e017858. Link
Lee, Tak Yan, Chau Kiu Cheung, and Wai Man Kwong. “Resilience as a Positive Youth Development Construct: A Conceptual Review.” The Scientific World Journal 2012 (May 2, 2012): 390450. Link
Forbes, Sarah, and Deniz Fikretoglu. “Building Resilience: The Conceptual Basis and Research Evidence for Resilience Training Programs.” Review of General Psychology 22, no. 4 (December 1, 2018): 452–68. Link
Shatté, Andrew, Adam Perlman, Brad Smith, and Wendy D. Lynch. “The Positive Effect of Resilience on Stress and Business Outcomes in Difficult Work Environments.” Journal of Occupational and Environmental Medicine 59, no. 2 (February 2017): 135–40. Link
Hoegl, Martin, and Silja Hartmann. “Bouncing Back, If Not beyond: Challenges for Research on Resilience.” Asian Business & Management 20, no. 4 (September 1, 2021): 456–64. Link
Silver, Kristin E., Meera Kumari, Danette Conklin, and Gunnur Karakurt. “Trauma and Health Symptoms in a Community Sample: Examining the Influences of Gender and Daily Stress.” The American Journal of Family Therapy 46, no. 2 (2018): 153–67. Link
Sansbury, Brittany S, Kelly Graves, and Wendy Scott. “Managing Traumatic Stress Responses among Clinicians: Individual and Organizational Tools for Self-Care.” Trauma 17, no. 2 (April 1, 2015): 114–22. Link
Bower, Gordon H., and Heidi Sivers. “Cognitive Impact of Traumatic Events.” Development and Psychopathology 10, no. 4 (December 1998): 625–53. Link
Ley, Clemens, María Rato Barrio, and Andreas Koch. “‘In the Sport I Am Here’: Therapeutic Processes and Health Effects of Sport and Exercise on PTSD.” Qualitative Health Research 28, no. 3 (February 1, 2018): 491–507. Link
Hegberg, Nicole J., Jasmeet P. Hayes, and Scott M. Hayes. “Exercise Intervention in PTSD: A Narrative Review and Rationale for Implementation.” Frontiers in Psychiatry 10 (2019): 133. Link

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What is an example of problem-solving?

What are the 5 steps to problem-solving, 10 effective problem-solving strategies, what skills do efficient problem solvers have, how to improve your problem-solving skills.

Problems come in all shapes and sizes — from workplace conflict to budget cuts.

Creative problem-solving is one of the most in-demand skills in all roles and industries. It can boost an organization’s human capital and give it a competitive edge.

Problem-solving strategies are ways of approaching problems that can help you look beyond the obvious answers and find the best solution to your problem .

Let’s take a look at a five-step problem-solving process and how to combine it with proven problem-solving strategies. This will give you the tools and skills to solve even your most complex problems.

Good problem-solving is an essential part of the decision-making process . To see what a problem-solving process might look like in real life, let’s take a common problem for SaaS brands — decreasing customer churn rates.

To solve this problem, the company must first identify it. In this case, the problem is that the churn rate is too high.

Next, they need to identify the root causes of the problem. This could be anything from their customer service experience to their email marketing campaigns. If there are several problems, they will need a separate problem-solving process for each one.

Let’s say the problem is with email marketing — they’re not nurturing existing customers. Now that they’ve identified the problem, they can start using problem-solving strategies to look for solutions.

This might look like coming up with special offers, discounts, or bonuses for existing customers. They need to find ways to remind them to use their products and services while providing added value. This will encourage customers to keep paying their monthly subscriptions.

They might also want to add incentives, such as access to a premium service at no extra cost after 12 months of membership. They could publish blog posts that help their customers solve common problems and share them as an email newsletter.

The company should set targets and a time frame in which to achieve them. This will allow leaders to measure progress and identify which actions yield the best results.

Perhaps you’ve got a problem you need to tackle. Or maybe you want to be prepared the next time one arises. Either way, it’s a good idea to get familiar with the five steps of problem-solving.

Use this step-by-step problem-solving method with the strategies in the following section to find possible solutions to your problem.

1. Identify the problem

The first step is to know which problem you need to solve. Then, you need to find the root cause of the problem.

The best course of action is to gather as much data as possible, speak to the people involved, and separate facts from opinions.

Once this is done, formulate a statement that describes the problem. Use rational persuasion to make sure your team agrees .

2. Break the problem down

Identifying the problem allows you to see which steps need to be taken to solve it.

First, break the problem down into achievable blocks. Then, use strategic planning to set a time frame in which to solve the problem and establish a timeline for the completion of each stage.

3. Generate potential solutions

At this stage, the aim isn’t to evaluate possible solutions but to generate as many ideas as possible.

Encourage your team to use creative thinking and be patient — the best solution may not be the first or most obvious one.

Use one or more of the different strategies in the following section to help come up with solutions — the more creative, the better.

4. Evaluate the possible solutions

Once you’ve generated potential solutions, narrow them down to a shortlist. Then, evaluate the options on your shortlist.

There are usually many factors to consider. So when evaluating a solution, ask yourself the following questions:

Will my team be on board with the proposition?
Does the solution align with organizational goals ?
Is the solution likely to achieve the desired outcomes?
Is the solution realistic and possible with current resources and constraints?
Will the solution solve the problem without causing additional unintended problems?

woman-helping-her-colleague-problem-solving-strategies

5. Implement and monitor the solutions

Once you’ve identified your solution and got buy-in from your team, it’s time to implement it.

But the work doesn’t stop there. You need to monitor your solution to see whether it actually solves your problem.

Request regular feedback from the team members involved and have a monitoring and evaluation plan in place to measure progress.

If the solution doesn’t achieve your desired results, start this step-by-step process again.

There are many different ways to approach problem-solving. Each is suitable for different types of problems.

The most appropriate problem-solving techniques will depend on your specific problem. You may need to experiment with several strategies before you find a workable solution.

Here are 10 effective problem-solving strategies for you to try:

Use a solution that worked before
Brainstorming
Work backward
Use the Kipling method
Draw the problem
Use trial and error
Sleep on it
Get advice from your peers
Use the Pareto principle
Add successful solutions to your toolkit

Let’s break each of these down.

1. Use a solution that worked before

It might seem obvious, but if you’ve faced similar problems in the past, look back to what worked then. See if any of the solutions could apply to your current situation and, if so, replicate them.

2. Brainstorming

The more people you enlist to help solve the problem, the more potential solutions you can come up with.

Use different brainstorming techniques to workshop potential solutions with your team. They’ll likely bring something you haven’t thought of to the table.

3. Work backward

Working backward is a way to reverse engineer your problem. Imagine your problem has been solved, and make that the starting point.

Then, retrace your steps back to where you are now. This can help you see which course of action may be most effective.

4. Use the Kipling method

This is a method that poses six questions based on Rudyard Kipling’s poem, “ I Keep Six Honest Serving Men .”

What is the problem?
Why is the problem important?
When did the problem arise, and when does it need to be solved?
How did the problem happen?
Where is the problem occurring?
Who does the problem affect?

Answering these questions can help you identify possible solutions.

5. Draw the problem

Sometimes it can be difficult to visualize all the components and moving parts of a problem and its solution. Drawing a diagram can help.

This technique is particularly helpful for solving process-related problems. For example, a product development team might want to decrease the time they take to fix bugs and create new iterations. Drawing the processes involved can help you see where improvements can be made.

woman-drawing-mind-map-problem-solving-strategies

6. Use trial-and-error

A trial-and-error approach can be useful when you have several possible solutions and want to test them to see which one works best.

7. Sleep on it

Finding the best solution to a problem is a process. Remember to take breaks and get enough rest . Sometimes, a walk around the block can bring inspiration, but you should sleep on it if possible.

A good night’s sleep helps us find creative solutions to problems. This is because when you sleep, your brain sorts through the day’s events and stores them as memories. This enables you to process your ideas at a subconscious level.

If possible, give yourself a few days to develop and analyze possible solutions. You may find you have greater clarity after sleeping on it. Your mind will also be fresh, so you’ll be able to make better decisions.

8. Get advice from your peers

Getting input from a group of people can help you find solutions you may not have thought of on your own.

For solo entrepreneurs or freelancers, this might look like hiring a coach or mentor or joining a mastermind group.

For leaders , it might be consulting other members of the leadership team or working with a business coach .

It’s important to recognize you might not have all the skills, experience, or knowledge necessary to find a solution alone.

9. Use the Pareto principle

The Pareto principle — also known as the 80/20 rule — can help you identify possible root causes and potential solutions for your problems.

Although it’s not a mathematical law, it’s a principle found throughout many aspects of business and life. For example, 20% of the sales reps in a company might close 80% of the sales.

You may be able to narrow down the causes of your problem by applying the Pareto principle. This can also help you identify the most appropriate solutions.

10. Add successful solutions to your toolkit

Every situation is different, and the same solutions might not always work. But by keeping a record of successful problem-solving strategies, you can build up a solutions toolkit.

These solutions may be applicable to future problems. Even if not, they may save you some of the time and work needed to come up with a new solution.

three-colleagues-looking-at-computer-problem-solving-strategies

Improving problem-solving skills is essential for professional development — both yours and your team’s. Here are some of the key skills of effective problem solvers:

Critical thinking and analytical skills
Communication skills , including active listening
Decision-making
Planning and prioritization
Emotional intelligence , including empathy and emotional regulation
Time management
Data analysis
Research skills
Project management

And they see problems as opportunities. Everyone is born with problem-solving skills. But accessing these abilities depends on how we view problems. Effective problem-solvers see problems as opportunities to learn and improve.

Ready to work on your problem-solving abilities? Get started with these seven tips.

1. Build your problem-solving skills

One of the best ways to improve your problem-solving skills is to learn from experts. Consider enrolling in organizational training , shadowing a mentor , or working with a coach .

2. Practice

Practice using your new problem-solving skills by applying them to smaller problems you might encounter in your daily life.

Alternatively, imagine problematic scenarios that might arise at work and use problem-solving strategies to find hypothetical solutions.

3. Don’t try to find a solution right away

Often, the first solution you think of to solve a problem isn’t the most appropriate or effective.

Instead of thinking on the spot, give yourself time and use one or more of the problem-solving strategies above to activate your creative thinking.

two-colleagues-talking-at-corporate-event-problem-solving-strategies

4. Ask for feedback

Receiving feedback is always important for learning and growth. Your perception of your problem-solving skills may be different from that of your colleagues. They can provide insights that help you improve.

5. Learn new approaches and methodologies

There are entire books written about problem-solving methodologies if you want to take a deep dive into the subject.

We recommend starting with “ Fixed — How to Perfect the Fine Art of Problem Solving ” by Amy E. Herman.

6. Experiment

Tried-and-tested problem-solving techniques can be useful. However, they don’t teach you how to innovate and develop your own problem-solving approaches.

Sometimes, an unconventional approach can lead to the development of a brilliant new idea or strategy. So don’t be afraid to suggest your most “out there” ideas.

7. Analyze the success of your competitors

Do you have competitors who have already solved the problem you’re facing? Look at what they did, and work backward to solve your own problem.

For example, Netflix started in the 1990s as a DVD mail-rental company. Its main competitor at the time was Blockbuster.

But when streaming became the norm in the early 2000s, both companies faced a crisis. Netflix innovated, unveiling its streaming service in 2007.

If Blockbuster had followed Netflix’s example, it might have survived. Instead, it declared bankruptcy in 2010.

Use problem-solving strategies to uplevel your business

When facing a problem, it’s worth taking the time to find the right solution.

Otherwise, we risk either running away from our problems or headlong into solutions. When we do this, we might miss out on other, better options.

Use the problem-solving strategies outlined above to find innovative solutions to your business’ most perplexing problems.

If you’re ready to take problem-solving to the next level, request a demo with BetterUp . Our expert coaches specialize in helping teams develop and implement strategies that work.

Elizabeth Perry, ACC

Elizabeth Perry is a Coach Community Manager at BetterUp. She uses strategic engagement strategies to cultivate a learning community across a global network of Coaches through in-person and virtual experiences, technology-enabled platforms, and strategic coaching industry partnerships. With over 3 years of coaching experience and a certification in transformative leadership and life coaching from Sofia University, Elizabeth leverages transpersonal psychology expertise to help coaches and clients gain awareness of their behavioral and thought patterns, discover their purpose and passions, and elevate their potential. She is a lifelong student of psychology, personal growth, and human potential as well as an ICF-certified ACC transpersonal life and leadership Coach.

8 creative solutions to your most challenging problems

5 problem-solving questions to prepare you for your next interview, what are metacognitive skills examples in everyday life, what is lateral thinking 7 techniques to encourage creative ideas, 31 examples of problem solving performance review phrases, leadership activities that encourage employee engagement, learn what process mapping is and how to create one (+ examples), can dreams help you solve problems 6 ways to try, how much do distractions cost 8 effects of lack of focus, similar articles, the pareto principle: how the 80/20 rule can help you do more with less, thinking outside the box: 8 ways to become a creative problem solver, effective problem statements have these 5 components, contingency planning: 4 steps to prepare for the unexpected, learn to sweat the small stuff: how to improve attention to detail, stay connected with betterup, get our newsletter, event invites, plus product insights and research..

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Problem Solving

How to Handle Problems

Last Updated: February 22, 2024 Approved

This article was co-authored by Michael Stern . Michael Stern is a life coach and the owner of Integral Alignment, a coaching and training business focused on a holistic approach to optimizing one's health, work, love, play, and spirituality. Michael began his professional training in 2011 as an Integral Spiritual Mentor through One Spirit Learning Alliance, and has been certified as both a hatha yoga instructor and an Emotional Intelligence Coach through GolemanEI. In addition to his private 1:1 and groupwork, he has hosted workshops with thought leaders such as Frederic Laloux, Charles Eisenstein, and Thomas Hübl. Michael holds a BA in Spanish Language from Vanderbilt University and lives in Portland, Maine. wikiHow marks an article as reader-approved once it receives enough positive feedback. In this case, 94% of readers who voted found the article helpful, earning it our reader-approved status. This article has been viewed 330,127 times.

Are you feeling as surrounded by problems as a superhero by villains? Maybe you just have one big problem but you don't know how to solve it. Don't worry. Whether you're struggling with your significant other or you're in danger of losing your job, there are a few steps that you can take to bring your problems under control.

Handling Personal Conflicts

Step 1 Avoid behaviors that make the problem worse.

For example, if you're having a fight with your girlfriend because she thinks you cheated on her (even if you didn't), don't make the problem worse by spending a lot of time out being social with other girls. This will only make you look worse and make it harder to argue with her from the moral high ground. Instead, take a vacation from people until you work things out with her.
Another example for a problem with a friend is if your best friend is mad at you for blowing off their party in order to spend time with someone else. In this situation, you'll want to avoid seeming distant or disinterested in their feelings. Instead, try to do something nice for them.

Step 2 Be clear about what the problem is.

For example, your boyfriend might say that he's mad you decided to go to the big state school in the next town over instead of going to the local college with him. Of course, you'll still be able to see each other all the time and date without serious problems: what he's really worried about is that all that time off on your own will lead you to meet someone new.

Step 3 Try to see the other perspectives.

Sometimes, if you're having a hard time understanding their perspective, it can be really helpful to just ask them. Ask them to explain, at length, why they think it would be better to take another route. Say something like: “Can you explain your thinking to me? I’d really like to know better.” By walking through their feelings and thought process, you can often gain a better understanding of the problem and how to solve it. [1] X Research source

Step 4 Make sure they feel respected and in control.

For example, you'll want to dial back your language. Don't insult them or use accusatory language like "you should have ______". Instead, use “I” statements to express yourself. Say things like, “I felt hurt after out last conversation,” or, “I get upset when you talk to me like that.”
Make them feel in control by giving them choices or options, as well as doing things like coming up with what they think is a fair solution to the problem.

For these serious, problem-solving conversations, you should generally set aside a large chunk of time and meet in a place that's private and quiet. This will remove distractions and things which add more stress.
Talking it out also shows the other person that you have put a priority on making things right, which can earn you some points and soften them up for finding a solution.

For example, if your girlfriend is upset because you can't agree which family to spend Christmas with, you can propose a third option: spending the week before Christmas with her family, the week after with your family, and the day itself with just each other.
For example, if your friend is upset because they want to take one class with you but you want to take another class instead, you can suggest that you keep your classes separate but both take a study period that you can spend together studying in the library.

Handling Non-People Problems

When you're struggling to stay calm, a good technique is to focus on your breathing. Breathe in and out slowly until you feel more calm and ready to do what you need to do.

Step 2 Get as much information as you can.

When trying to solve your problems, think about what is truly authentic to you so you don't spend a lot of time/energy pursuing goals that aren't personally meaningful for you.

Step 3 Evaluate what resources you have.

For example, if you know you have strong interpersonal skills, then you know you can use those skills to help solve your problem. Just because there might not be an obvious way to use them right now doesn’t mean that the opportunity won’t arise.

Break the solution down into a series of goals, then break the goals down into a series of tasks. Decide when you'll do each task and where you can get a little extra help and before you know it you'll have a great plan. Set goals that are SMART (specific, measurable, attainable, realistic, and time-based).
Even just having a plan and working towards meeting your goals can often make things even easier because it makes your "gatekeepers" more willing to give you extra room and time to solve your problems. These people, like teachers, bosses, and creditors, will feel more comfortable being forgiving if you have a plan that shows you're serious.

Think of your life like a movie. It's not going to stop just because the villain starts causing trouble. The story might not go how you want it to go but there will be a resolution in the end. And your life is hardly The Day After Tomorrow, so you'll be okay.

Poor communication can also be the source of your problem, meaning that simply talking more may be what's needed to fix the problem.
If nothing else, communicate the need for patience. Tell people that you're working on the problem but that you have a plan and you're focusing all of your energy on making things right.

Balancing Many Problems

Let go of your past. Let go of your mistakes. Instead of hating yourself for them, learn from them. That's enough. Let go of that friend that just refuses to forgive you for whatever it is you did. Instead, focus on solving your other problems and work on making the rest of your life and actions as good as they can be.
Problems in your past will often come to a better resolution when you work towards a better future...even if that just means you starting to realize that those mistakes don't define you.

Step 2 Be ready to make some sacrifices.

Figure out what means the most to you and focus on making that happen. Let everything else follow the path of least resistance so that it's not taking up all of your time and energy...even if that means it doesn't end well for you.
For example, if you're having problems with your family, problems with school, and problems with work, you'll have to choose which is the most important. Generally, your family will always be there and you can get other jobs. Second shots at school, however, are rare.

Think of this like having a giant pile of homework assignments. You can do them right away and not get overwhelmed or you can be afraid of failing and let them pile up. Not doing them just leads to you getting an F anyway. Ignoring them doesn't make them stop appearing.

Making a chart of the steps you need to take to solve each problem can often be really helpful. This visual device allows you a better way to see how everything fits together.

For example, let's say that you're struggling to figure out how to write a review for work. Go online and you'll find loads of business people who do stuff like that all the time. Post in a forum and you'll see so many people come forward saying things like, "No one ever taught me how to do this and I really wish they had. It doesn't need to be this hard."

Step 6 Help yourself to see the upsides.

One good approach is to appreciate the problems in your life. If you didn't have problems in your life, you wouldn't know how to recognize the good things that you do have. This is especially true with problems surrounding people we love. We often forget how much we love them until something shows us how much we stand to lose.

Expert Q&A

Take care of yourself. The most important person in difficult situations is you. Thanks Helpful 1 Not Helpful 0
Realize that there are a lot of people with far worse problems in life. Put your problems in perspective and you'll make it through your obstacles and know how lucky you are. Thanks Helpful 1 Not Helpful 0
Make yourself a list of things that need to change. You can't make all your problems go away, but you can learn from them so that the same things don't continue to happen. Thanks Helpful 1 Not Helpful 0

Not all problems are for you to sort through. If it is a vital decision you should feel comfortable forwarding it to a superior or discussing it at length with others to arrive at a group decision. Thanks Helpful 36 Not Helpful 8

↑ http://www.techrepublic.com/blog/10-things/10-tips-and-tactics-for-dealing-with-conflict/
↑ Michael Stern. Life Coach. Expert Interview. 1 July 2020.
↑ http://www.forbes.com/sites/glennllopis/2013/11/04/the-4-most-effective-ways-leaders-solve-problems/
↑ http://www.oprah.com/spirit/What-to-Do-When-You-Are-Overwhelmed
↑ https://psychcentral.com/stress/how-to-deal-with-feeling-overwhelmed

About This Article

If you’re having a problem with another person in your life, first try to identify behaviors that might make the problem worse and avoid them. For example, if your significant other feels like you’re ignoring them, don’t dismiss their feelings or act like it’s no big deal. Once you’ve figured out the root of the problem, sit down and have a talk with the other person without being judgmental or placing the blame on anyone. As you’re talking to them, listen carefully to what they have to say, and try to see all sides of the issue. Then, the two of you can work together to find a solution. Read on for advice on how to deal with non-people problems! Did this summary help you? Yes No

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How to enjoy your problems

Accepting your problems is one thing. to enjoy them well, that’s pretty much enlightenment. here’s how to get there.

by Chelsea Harvey Garner + BIO

is a writer, psychotherapist, and the director of Big Feels Lab, a nonprofit promoting collective mental health. She is the author of A Pity Party Is Still a Party (2023). She lives in New York City.

Edited by Christian Jarrett

Need to know

As a therapist, I’ve found that so much of what I do is about giving people the space to say what they’re struggling with. It can take them months. Not to resolve the problems, or even to understand them in a deep, philosophical sense, but literally just to realise what their problems are.

This is especially true for people with complicated conundrums, stressors that are difficult to explain. There’s a special loneliness reserved for people in this situation – who are facing problems that seem weird and who worry that, if they let themselves admit how bad things are and how bad they feel, they’ll realise they’re too messed up to recover. If you recognise this description, I know how you’re feeling. I’ve experienced these fears too.

If you can learn to enjoy your problems, that’s enlightenment

The day of my mom’s funeral, I wrote and delivered her eulogy. Trembling and dissociative, I spoke my shaky words into the small crowd of faces, many of whom I didn’t recognise, most of whom avoided looking at me or at her body, freshly embalmed and glowing under buzzing lights like a gas station hot dog. I hadn’t eaten in days, and I’d been up late the night before fighting with my birth mother, whom I had not seen in years. She’d reappeared when she heard the news about her mother, who was also my mother, having adopted me when I was at a young age. Years of poverty and addiction had made my birth mother desperate, and theoretically I knew that. But there’s nothing theoretical about throwing a sandwich at someone, especially when that person is a stranger to you, but also the person whose body made yours, and they’re stuffing your inheritance into a dirty pillowcase to flee with it.

When you tell someone your mom died, they feel bad for you. Even if they haven’t been through that, they know it’s a big deal. And they know what to say: ‘I’m so sorry, Chelsea. Please let me know if I can help.’ But I found that’s not the response you get when you tell the boss at your new job you’re late because you just found out you were never adopted, and the witness signature in your mom’s will wasn’t signed, so it’s actually legal for your estranged birth mother to steal your inheritance and spend it on drugs. (Well, the drugs aren’t quite legal.)

People also didn’t know what to say when they asked why I was crying between therapy sessions, and I told them my ex tried to get back together, but I said ‘no’ because I was in a grief stupor, I’d fallen in love with someone much younger, who then ghosted me and now I’ve lost them both at once. Also, my bank account was overdrawn so I was eating beans until payday, which meant I’d been farting in sessions. Maybe that’s why they just said: ‘Damn. Well… your 3 o’clock is here.’

Put another way: there are some problems that are considered OK to talk about and some that aren’t. There are problems people put on the front page of their memoir, and problems they, well, edit out. But regardless of whether other people get your problems, you have to get them. You have to accept your life, absurd as it may be, and try to find some joy in it. And if you can get past accepting and learn to enjoy your problems? Well, that’s pretty much enlightenment. That’s what this Guide is about.

Whatever it looks like, your life is worth celebrating

I first read the phrase ‘enjoy your problems’ in 2017. I was doom-scrolling Tumblr when I came across a blurry shot of a concrete wall with those words scrawled in Sharpie. It wasn’t well done enough to be called graffiti, which enhanced its charm. I was struck by its simplicity, the way it suggested doing exactly the opposite of what humans usually do. Most of us spend our lives denying we have problems. Does it work? Never. But that doesn’t stop us from wasting a lot of time trying.

After some Googling, I learned that the saying is attributed to the Zen monk Suzuki Roshi, a teacher who helped popularise Buddhist teachings in the United States, founded the San Francisco Zen Center, and wrote the book Zen Mind, Beginner’s Mind (1970). In Buddhism, equanimity is one of the four brahmavihārās or boundless qualities, which are seen as keys to cultivating an open, awakened state of being. Equanimity, in modern English, is defined as ‘evenness of mind especially under stress.’

In many mindfulness communities, Buddhist equanimity is interpreted as a sort of neutrality, a lack of preference about what happens to us: ‘I could get the job, or not. I could become wealthy, or I could remain poor. Either will provide opportunities for enlightenment.’ That kind of thing. Often, though, this receptivity gets mistaken for apathy, which can make us think that being numbed out and aloof is the ideal.

But in fact, the Buddha described equanimity a bit differently, as a state of being that is ‘abundant, exalted, immeasurable’. These words imply a more active, engaged way of being in the world, rather than simply not caring. But how does one manage to embrace their fate – with all its inherent problems – surreal as they may be? As a therapist, I’ve studied what scientists have to say about healing but, more than anything, I’ve learned the hard way: by wading through my own mess.

If you’re still reading, chances are your life doesn’t look like you thought it would. Your experience is probably not reflected in anyone’s social media feed or represented by standard-issue sympathy cards. But regardless of how sad or strange things have gotten for you, your story is worth telling. Even with its bewildering side quests and meltdowns on aisle four, your broken life and your broken heart are worth celebrating. What if you stopped waiting to arrive at some imaginary destination where all your problems are solved, and started embracing your life as it is, today? Here are some tips to help you get there.

Don’t judge yourself

Do you know why they say the grass is always greener on the other side? Because it’s hard to see grass that far away. It isn’t actually greener, it just looks like it because you’re not close enough to see the dead patches and the dog poop. Not only that, but you don’t have to mow that grass. Our own situation always feels worse to us because we’re the ones who have to deal with it.

Everyone, without exception, gets sick of their own problems. And yes, everyone has problems. As a therapist, I’m privy to many people’s truth. My sample may be skewed, but it would shock you to hear the struggles of folks who seem to have it together. Their stress is either just like yours or weird in a different way. That’s because suffering is a universal experience. It isn’t a sign of failure. It’s not proof that divine forces are punishing us. Life is just hard, and often unfair. It’s also beautiful, and it becomes even more beautiful when we stop pretending it should be easy.

When you judge yourself, you add insult to injury. It’s one thing to have problems, it’s another to blame yourself for having them. Yet that’s what many of us do. We tell ourselves that our stress is the wrong kind, or proof that we suck. What if you told yourself the opposite? What if you felt proud of your problems? What if you believed they’re actually lovely problems, the most dignified problems a person could have? Try on this thought for size: all the coolest people have your problems. People wish they had your problems. How does that feel?

Tell your story

Throughout your life, you’ll have to paraphrase your biography many times in many settings. You’ll be asked to reduce the long, complex reality of your experience to bite-sized portions, just a couple quick phrases to get the point across. But when was the last time you really told your story? The messy, unedited version? When was the last time you told the truth of your life to yourself?

Everyone has a story, and everyone’s story deserves to be heard. This isn’t true only about your past, but also about the story of what’s happening now, the parts that are still being written. Telling your story isn’t about coming up with the most brilliant moral or the perfect words. The power is in the simple act of speaking what’s true.

You don’t have to be a writer or motivational speaker to do this. You can tell your story to a friend at a coffee shop, or anonymously in a Reddit thread, or even to yourself in a diary. Describing, in detail, what you’ve survived can empower and energise you. It can help you recognise what you’re capable of. Will it feel weird to be that honest? Maybe. But try to embrace the embarrassment. Be cringe. Make saying the truest thing the goal, not sounding cool or normal or mentally stable. If you’re not sure who the right audience is, here are some ideas:

new therapist;
support group;
Uber driver;
hair stylist;
old friend you haven’t caught up with in a while;
new friend from a friend-making app;
recurring character in a dream;
person sitting next to you at a bar; and/or
neighbour or neighbour’s dog.

Move your body

As a classically trained psychotherapist, I know the power of talking things through. I’ve seen it change my patients’ lives and I’ve felt it change mine. Studies have shown that talk therapy can rewire the brain and may even cause epigenetic changes. That said, there are limitations to what can be accomplished while sitting in an office, and even more constraints around what we can heal with language alone.

In moments of extreme suffering, many ancient traditions suggest movement. In my personal life, I’ve found that dance is what gets me through my darkest hour. I am by no means a professional dancer but, thankfully, that’s not what it’s about. ‘Conscious’ or ‘ecstatic dance’, is a form of movement meditation wherein a practitioner simply moves their body in whatever way feels natural, allowing emotions to arise and be processed through spontaneous motion.

Those who practise conscious dance consistently show significant improvements across all psychological measures, especially mindfulness and sense of wellbeing. If dance isn’t really your thing, there’s also yoga, tai chi or long walks. Researchers have even found that visualising yourself moving produces many of the same benefits, like emotion regulation.

The next time you’re feeling overwhelmed, put on a playlist of songs that reflect the energy you’re feeling. Turn off the lights, dress in your comfiest clothes, and move. Dance, as they say, like no one’s watching. Dance until you stop thinking about the fact that you’re dancing. If you don’t know what to do, choose one tiny movement and repeat it for an hour or until your brain gets quiet, whichever comes first.

Make something

All great art starts with a feeling. Often, the feeling isn’t that pleasant. Artists respond to life’s most challenging moments not by asking ‘How can I fix this?’ but rather ‘How can I explore this? How can I express it?’ Rather than trying to stop feeling heartbreak, great poets ask: what is the nature of heartbreak? What does it feel like? What might it sound like, taste like?

Art’s function is simply to capture the human experience and convey it in an honest and meaningful way. In moments of great despair, let pain inspire you to make something. There is genuinely nothing too sad or disturbing to make art about, so bring your darkest thoughts and feelings. You don’t have to make anything brilliant, and you don’t ever have to show anyone. Similar to telling your story, the act of creative expression is transformative in itself.

The next time you’re feeling stuck on a problem, try to get curious about the colour, shape and sound of how it feels. Write a poem that describes the sensation in detail. Draw a self-portrait, or paint a still life of your dirty room. Make a wreath of dead flowers and hang it on your door. Write a letter to someone who’s hurt you, even if you never plan to send it. Then, write a letter to someone who’s helped you, explaining how their care has impacted your life. Write a song in the shower. Design an altar to your sadness and meditate at the foot of it.

Other things you can make:

sad playlist;
three-layer cake;
knitted blanket;
friendship bracelet;
bedazzled phone case;
video montage of memories; and/or
herb garden.

Cry for help

You may be afraid that leaning into painful emotions will make you less likeable but, often, it’s the opposite. Toxic positivity makes a person rigid and seem controlling, and others can feel put off by the pressure to look on the bright side. Putting on a performance of constant happiness also comes across as phoney and unrelatable, whereas authenticity is refreshing and infectious. Vulnerability creates an opening for genuine connection. Embracing the full spectrum of feeling makes you emotionally available, and others can feel the depth of your presence.

As you lean into painful feelings, you will naturally become more aware of your craving for intimacy. Your body starts to demand that you be in communion with something greater than yourself. Trust that. Craving connection is healthy. Feeling difficult emotions can motivate you to finally seek therapy, get back in touch with family members, join a club, or simply answer more honestly when someone asks how you’re doing. If you’re more introverted, it may inspire you to read stories about others who have survived similar challenges or write a letter to an old friend. Maybe it will lead you to the woods where you can feel your place in the ecosystems surrounding you.

Communities aren’t just people who share certain beliefs and rituals, they’re also people who share problems. Bonding over common struggles isn’t unhealthy. The term ‘trauma bonding’ has made its way into common culture, but it’s misunderstood. A trauma bond is an unhealthy attachment to a person who abuses us. Bonding with others over shared hardship, whether it’s an experience we went through together or something we can relate to, isn’t a problem but a universal human behaviour. Reach into the world with the understanding that others are also surely experiencing this struggle.

With all that in mind, here are some tips for reaching out:

Start with those you trust. If you have friends, family members or healthcare providers you’ve opened up to in the past, reach out to them first. Even if you haven’t talked in a while, and even if you haven’t ever shared the issue you’re facing, it’s easier to be vulnerable with people with whom we’ve already developed some trust and rapport.
Be direct. I know it can feel awkward to ask for support, but directness is the way to go. If your goal is to talk about what you’re struggling with, don’t ask them how their work is going. Let it be known that you need help. Ask if they’d be willing to hear about something difficult you’re going through. People often find transparency refreshing (and if they don’t want to hear you out, they can always say no).
Find a support group. If your social circle is lacking, look for a group to join. There’s been a huge uptick of support groups of all kinds since the pandemic. Many are free or accept insurance. There’s group therapy; peer support groups for folks experiencing things like health issues; local meetup groups focused on special interests and identities; and online help forums for everything from single parenting to publishing to immigration. You may have to do a bit of digging but, trust me, they’re out there.

Pray in your own way

In preparing to write my book A Pity Party Is Still a Party (2023), I studied the mental health benefits of ritual, by which I mean any set of actions that are understood to have emotional or spiritual meaning. I was surprised to find that even simple, made-up rituals have the power to relieve anxiety, help you bond with others and trigger ‘flow’ – a state of deep immersion in an activity that can promote feelings of transcendence and ecstasy. Rituals work both as a preventative measure for reducing stress and for coping with disappointment. Ritual is especially helpful in times of uncertainty , providing a barrier against the physical and spiritual toll that times of change can take on us.

But many have lost touch with the art of ritual and prayer. If you aren’t religious, it might be difficult to imagine what relevance ritual, much less prayer, could hold. I get the question, but I believe in defining the terms loosely. Ritual helps you release your inhibitions and become fully immersed in the present moment. It could be a quiet cup of tea in the morning, a bath at night, or a walk through the woods every weekend.

You also don’t have to be religious to pray. I see prayer as any act that reminds you of your connection to your chosen community, the nonhuman world, and the Universe as a whole. Don’t underestimate how much it can shift your perspective and help you feel less alone.

Praying can also mean grieving. Is there a loss you haven’t fully grieved? It could be the loss of a relationship, friend or even a lifelong dream . It could be a literal death or the death of who you used to be. Grief is inseparable from love; to love is to prepare to grieve, to grieve is to release the love that’s stuck inside of us with nowhere to go. All losses deserve a rite of passage, to be mourned fully. This, too, is a way of praying.

Practically speaking, praying can look like a quiet hike through the woods with your phone off. It can be singing your favourite song at the top of your lungs 10 times in a row. It can be getting up extra early, eating a ripe peach on your front porch and listening to the birds in your yard before anyone else is awake. It could be dancing at a dive bar until you’re covered in sweat and everyone feels like family. Or cancelling your plans to go out, driving to a place of importance with a canteen of hot chocolate, and turning off the car so you can see the stars while you speak to a person you’ve lost.

Redefine happiness

Even if you manage to stop judging yourself for your woes, you might still expect your joy to look like other people’s. This is still a form of self-judgment. In telling yourself there’s a universal standard for what you should want, you reinforce the idea that your authentic desires aren’t good enough. This can cause a lot of inner turmoil, confusion and shame. It can alienate you from yourself and your genuine feelings, which you must be in touch with to make good decisions.

You have the right to redefine – for yourself – what happiness looks like. Instead of trying to live a life that’s free of problems, aim to live a life that fascinates you and feels meaningful. When you can, choose problems that seem worth the challenge, and for the problems imposed on you, try to shift your perspective on them. True wellness is less about avoiding struggle and more about appreciating the full spectrum of experience, from moments of awe to exhilaration and even terror.

I know it’s tempting to believe some future moment has your happiness. That, someday, you’ll figure out how to solve your problems and finally arrive in that place where you can really enjoy things. But your life has already begun. This is it. We don’t know what happens once we die but, even if we lived forever, all we would ever be able to experience is the moment we’re in. Stop and feel how it feels to be you, in this place, this body, and this moment. And the next time you feel something difficult, ask yourself: what if this is a beautiful problem? What if you came to earth just to experience this ?

I don’t know if I would choose to come to earth to throw a sandwich at my birth mother, but I do know that when I sit down to do therapy, I feel fortunate to be able to use my hard lessons for good. In these moments, the particular triumphs and tragedies of my life seem small but not insignificant, like my part in a song we’re all singing together. My days are gentler now than they’ve ever been, but I know I’m not immune to problems. On my best days, pain mingles with pleasure and becomes a secret third thing. The whole of my life forms the lens I see the world through, a perspective I’m proud to bring. Each part of it matters. Your experience is also offering you this, a kaleidoscope of sensations that both set you apart and join you with the universal strangeness of being human. Enjoy it while you can.

Key points – How to enjoy your problems

If you can learn to enjoy your problems, that’s enlightenment. Regardless of whether other people get your problems, you have to get them. Try to accept your life, absurd as it may be, and find some joy in it.
Don’t judge yourself. It’s one thing to have problems, it’s another to blame yourself for having them. Yet that’s what many of us do. Tell yourself the opposite – feel proud.
Tell your story. Describing, in detail, what you’ve survived can empower and energise you. It can help you recognise what you’re capable of.
Move your body. In moments of extreme suffering, many ancient traditions suggest movement. Dance until you stop thinking about the fact that you’re dancing. Not sure how? Start with a tiny movement and repeat it for an hour.
Make something. You don’t have to make anything brilliant, and you don’t ever have to show anyone. Similar to telling your story, the act of creative expression is transformative in itself.
Cry for help. Vulnerability creates an opening for genuine connection. Embracing the full spectrum of feeling makes you emotionally available, and others can feel the depth of your presence.
Pray in your own way. You don’t have to be religious to pray. I see prayer as any act that reminds you of your connection to your chosen community, the nonhuman world, and the Universe as a whole. Don’t underestimate how much it can shift your perspective and help you feel less alone.
Redefine happiness. True wellness is less about avoiding struggle and more about appreciating the full spectrum of experience, from moments of awe to exhilaration and even terror.

Can you take enjoying your problems too far?

Of course! Anything can be taken too far. Here are some signs that you’re indulging a bit too much in your sorrow.

1. Putting things off . My patients often worry that if they embrace difficult emotions, they’ll get too comfortable with feeling bad and lose the impulse to improve their situation. I understand this concern but, really, avoiding emotions is more often what keeps us in a state of stagnation.

You don’t have to choose between feeling hard things and taking action to better yourself. Finding meaning in pain can be the thing that helps us feel ready to move on. That said, if you notice you’re consistently putting off tasks that are good for you, it may be a sign that you’re heading in an unhealthy direction. If so, reach out to a trusted friend or therapist for help getting motivated.

2. Isolating . Solitude can be nourishing, and everyone has different social needs. But if you’re going many days without having an authentic exchange, or you’re losing contact with people you used to be close to, this probably means it’s time to reach out. Let someone you trust know how you’re doing and invite them into your experience.

3 . Negative self-talk . We all have a harsh inner critic at times, but enjoying your problems is about loving yourself through hard times, not beating yourself up. If you notice your thoughts are becoming meaner or more alienating, seek support right away. You deserve empathy, both from yourself and from others.

Links & books

Whenever someone in a therapy forum asks other therapists for their favourite book to recommend to patients, a top answer is When Things Fall Apart (1996) by Pema Chödrön. I’ve given away my copy more times than I can count.

For a more playful guide to facing existential questions, my book A Pity Party Is Still a Party (2023) is about making the most of feeling like crap.

Tara Brach is a Buddhist psychologist whose seminal book Radical Acceptance (2003) offers a practical, compassionate view on how to make peace with the problems we face.

For a quick perspective on what it means to pray in an unconventional way, this extract from Anne Lamott’s book Help, Thanks, Wow (2012) offers a wise, relatable take on spirituality.

Finally, I’d like to share a poem with you, The Thing Is (2002) by Ellen Bass:

to love life, to love it even when you have no stomach for it and everything you’ve held dear crumbles like burnt paper in your hands, your throat filled with the silt of it. When grief sits with you, its tropical heat thickening the air, heavy as water more fit for gills than lungs; when grief weights you down like your own flesh only more of it, an obesity of grief, you think, How can a body withstand this? Then you hold life like a face between your palms, a plain face, no charming smile, no violet eyes, and you say, yes, I will take you I will love you, again.

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How to Resolve Problems In a Healthy Way

For those struggling with mental health, conflict can be overwhelming.

Posted February 9, 2023 | Reviewed by Lybi Ma

Why Relationships Matter
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Resolving conflict is possible when approached the correct way.
Problems are stressful, avoid autopilot problem-solving.
The other party has to want, or at least accept, a healthy resolution.

A big part of living a balanced and fulfilled life lies in our ability to avoid and minimize conflict. When conflict does arise, our ability to resolve it quickly and amicably has a big impact on our stress and happiness .

For some people, avoiding and resolving conflict comes with relative ease. For many others, conflict seems to be ever lurking around the corner, and we live in a perpetual state of unresolved conflicts. The result is a constant level of stress and wounds that don’t ever fully heal.

Healthy Problem-Solving

To help you on this journey of resolution and healing, I’ve developed a list of characteristics of healthy problem-solvers. Problems carry with them the seeds of both consensus and conflict.

Those who have had their self-esteem battered by emotional abuse can have difficulty dealing with problems because of the potential for conflict. Either they refuse to stand their ground and give in, or they turn every conflict into a do-or-die battleground of “This time I’ll win”!

There is a middle ground between these two extremes. Granted, this middle ground takes more time to accomplish, but it has the best chance of allowing both parties to remain standing at the end.

10 Tips to Help Resolve Conflict

Below are ten action steps you can take when looking to solve problems in a healthy way.

Resolve to solve the problem, not to win. If you only want to “win,” you may find that you’ve won the battle but lost the war. Problems and how they are handled have short-term and long-term consequences. Be aware of both. Consider a strategy, not a battle plan.
Face the problem. Plan a specific time for a conversation to identify the areas of concern and be prepared to offer options for solutions. Some problems won’t go away on their own. For those that won’t, I suggest facing them instead of avoiding them. As soon as possible, find a way to deal with the problem. Those left unattended can balloon out of control and are harder to address later.
Be open to unique solutions. Usually, when I perceive a problem, I have an initial idea of how to solve it. Sometimes, though, once I hear different opinions, I change my mind about how to deal with the problem. I may have a good solution, but I may not have the best solution.
Be clear on your boundaries . People can become emotionally heated when working through problems. Know your limits. Know what behaviors you are not willing to accept from others, or from yourself.
Forgive yourself and others. When the boundaries are breached, repair them with forgiveness .
Accept that life is not always fair. Problems, and the way people handle them, do not always seem fair. What is fair to one person may appear unfair to another.
Deal with one problem at a time. There may be other problems swirling around, but you can realistically handle only one at a time. Don’t try to take on the problems of the world all at once.
Anticipate a positive outcome. When you enter problem-solving mode, be optimistic . This attitude may seem simplistic, but it is enormously helpful. If you begin to tackle a problem thinking there is no good answer, how motivated are you to solve it?
Believe in your ability to solve the problem. This concept goes with the one above but is a bit different. There is a difference between believing there is no answer and believing you have no answer. Trust yourself to find a solution.
When working through problems, be aware of how you’re communicating with yourself and others. Problems are stressful , avoid autopilot problem-solving. Keep your head in the game and be aware of how everyone involved is dealing with the problem.

Each Problem Is Unique, But the Benefit of Resolving It Is Consistent

Each conflict is different. Your ability to resolve them lies, in no small part, in the willingness of the other person to want it resolved as well. There may be times when there simply isn’t the desire on the other side to find a resolution. It may make sense to step away for a while and revisit it later.

But finding solutions sooner than later is always the preferred outcome. Sometimes we may need to go beyond the 50-yard line to resolve an issue, even if it feels like we are doing more than the other person is. That’s okay. Finding a good solution, whether easily achieved or the result of months of difficult conversations, can bring peace and rejuvenation that can’t be truly felt otherwise.

Unresolved conflict can drain the mind and body of energy. Life is better lived when problems are resolved, and working in a positive way to find a resolution not only means good outcomes but a more positive journey to achieve them.

Gregory L. Jantz, Ph.D. , founded The Center for Counseling and Health Resources, and is a member of the White House roundtable on opioid abuse.

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9 Ways You Create Your Own Problems And How To Stop

We’ve all experienced a moment where a situation happened that made us feel terrible or nervous. Throughout the rest of the day you think about the situation constantly and go over what happened in your head, causing even more stress and anxiety. I felt this way quite a bit about a year or so ago. An unfortunate event would happen and I would ruminate about it for days and allow myself to feel anger and disappointment unnecessarily. Most of these feelings would be related to issues occurring at work and my displeasure at my job. The feelings can spread, infecting other areas of your life and creating problems in unrelated areas. Thankfully once I took some time to reflect and gain a new angle on what was happening, I felt much better about the situation. I took steps to help me get through my feelings such as arranging a much needed holiday, focusing on my other passions and creating opportunities for myself at my job. My happiness was evident to my colleagues, friends and loved ones. Ultimately there was never a problem. I just viewed the situation as a problem, rather than a need to take action to improve my internal state of mind.

Creating our own problems may not seem that transparent. There are multiple ways you can create your own problems. Below are some common ways that we can create our own problems.

Generalizing. My last relationship was a failure. I’ll never find love again and even if I do, I’ll mess that up. My parents got a divorce so I’ll end up getting a divorce one day too. Why commit and fall in love? What a waste of time. Everybody cheats so therefore my partner will cheat on me. Generalizing is a way you create your own problems. You’ll see patterns based on a few instances that stick out in your mind. The issue with generalizing is the focus of the negativity. Over the last ten years, you may have easily gotten jobs, but the one time someone decides to not give you a job sticks out in your mind and makes you feel like you will never be hired by anyone. You’ll use the few experiences of negativity to create a definition of how things are in your life.

Taking responsibility for things outside your control. If I had given my friend housing advice, she would never have been scammed by her landlord. When bad things happen, you assume that there was something you could have done to prevent the situation from happening in the first place. All personal responsibility is taken personally for an event that has little to do with you. Even if you had done something, the event would most likely have occurred in the exact same way that it did.

Black and white thinking. My partner was mad at me last night, he must not love me anymore. My mother didn’t like the dinner I prepared for her. I am such a disappointment! The issue with this type of thinking is that if you fall short of perfection, you believe that you are a failure. Problems will exist in your mind based on the fact that you aren’t achieving the expectations you set for yourself.

Jumping to conclusions. My coworker hates me because she never asks me about my day. You have an incorrect belief that you know how people are feeling and thinking without any actual evidence. A few situations that you interpret as a negative experience lead you to believe that you know what people are thinking or feeling.

Discounting positive experiences. Sure that person replied to me on this online dating website, but that was just luck. Good experiences are minimized because you overthink what happened and believe that it was nothing more than luck or some statistical anomaly.

These are just a few examples of how a problem can be created in your own mind. Unhappiness is a subjective state of mind. Problems only exist in your mind and are the result of how you interpret a solution. To achieve lasting happiness we must look inwardly. There will be regrets and failures but we need to move forward and learn to live with the pain. This leads to us creating our own problems. But how exactly do we create our own problems with our minds? How can we stop ourselves from being our worst enemy? Let’s address the core reasons that problems our created within our beautiful complex but creative minds.

We want to be different. Problems stem from the want to be different. Not accepting yourself for who you are and disliking something about yourself leads to more problems. You develop insecurity, anxiety, envy and depression. You view yourself as someone who is incomplete and you compare yourself to people who you feel are more successful. The comparisons are never ending. You might have a success but still feel jealousy over the other person who seems to be one step ahead of you. The salary you make is good but not good enough. The expectations you have are built on the expectations of others around you such as your family or friends. As a result you create your own problems by constantly being unhappy with your job, your skill set, feeling like you got the short end of the stick or feeling like the world is against you. The problems don’t stop there either.
We want a quick fix. Money problems have to be sorted out immediately. Conflicts with our loved ones need to be resolved straight away. If something goes wrong, a resolution has to be known quickly. You feel angry at yourself and loved ones when a solution isn’t presented at your convenience. There is no such thing as a quick fix. There are temporary solutions but they are only temporary and won’t provide a permanent and lasting solution to your problems. By focusing on a quick fix, you don’t allow yourself the time to just focus on the present and think clearly. By aimlessly reaching out for solutions you just make your problems even worse. Mistakes happen more frequently and you get frustrated at the situation more intensely. The problem can even become far worse than you have imagined by chasing the quick fix.
We don’t want to be true to our feelings. Denying our feelings creates a place of conflict. You deny yourself the ability to identify and rectify your problems by denying your feelings. Unhappiness is what you feel but you push that feeling away. Sadness is a feeling you constantly ignore. You doubt whether you deserve the love and happiness right in your grasp. Feelings are incorrectly associated with pain and disappointment. Negative feelings are incorrectly felt as a sign that you have a problem and need help. Positive feelings feel undeserved. You might find yourself saying statements like this in your head, “How can this person love me when I’m such a failure? I don’t deserve this kindness and compassion.” Denying your feelings and not acknowledging them leads to many more problems. Feelings and emotions can be scary. There’s no denying that they can be scary but they don’t have to be. When you deny your feelings, the obstacle takes longer to overcome and you put yourself through more unhappiness as a result. Allowing yourself to experience emotions puts you in a place where you can be honest with your intentions and motivations.
We want other people to be different. You aren’t happy with your friendships, partner or family members. You want to control them, you want them to change, and you wish they could just meet your expectations. The struggle is endless. Therapy, discussions, angry outbursts, countless emails, ignoring and passive aggressiveness are the solutions you grasp for. Nothing has worked to get this person to change and accommodate your wants and needs. Wanting other people to change creates problems. You hurt your relationships with other people and you cause other people to feel like they are not enough for you. As a result, these people don’t want to be around you or stop trying to please you because you make them feel like a failure. By focusing on changing other people, you disallow yourself to live in the moment and appreciate the people that are in your life. By focusing on what you perceive as their shortcomings, you cheat yourself of a loving relationship with someone. Basically there is probably nothing wrong in that specific relationship but if you are continually finding discontent in the behavior of others, you are creating problems that likely don’t even exist except in your head.
We want to be in total control. Life does not go according to anyone’s plans, including yours. You will fail and be disappointed. You might lose a promotion, you might get in a car accident, you might get sick, you might fall in love with the wrong person, or you might lose something or someone precious to you. These things happen and they do indeed hurt but there is nothing you can do to guarantee that you are in total control of your life. Focusing too much on the future and how to ensure you will succeed in your life will only lead you down a path of failure. Problems will occur because you will be disappointed at not meeting the high expectations that you have set for yourself. These problems exist because of the expectations you have formed within your own mind.
We don’t want to be accountable. Nope, some of us would rather blame everyone else but ourselves for the situation we are in. I get it completely. Admitting fault is some tough stuff. Taking the blame can be hard to swallow. Everyone’s been in this position. My first car accident at 16, I felt like a complete idiot. I hadn’t even gotten my license yet. The accident was caused from me doing the wrong turn on a green light and putting my life and others at risk. I totaled my Mom’s car completely in the process. When it happened, I immediately wanted to shift the blame. “They were going too fast,” I wanted to say. Actually I’m pretty sure I did say that, but then I later admitted that day how it was my fault and how I must have made an error and that I was not ready to drive just yet. It hurts but being truthful and accountable allowed me to own up to my mistakes and take full responsibility for the consequences. I haven’t been in an accident since and have become a far more defensive and cautious driver as a result. A problem is created because our minds are searching for anything but us to be the reason for something unfortunate happening.
We overthink. Overthinking creates problems and can be one of the main reasons for creating problems in your head. You might have an idea, but the process of analysis can turn the idea into an actual problem that impacts your mental health. You’ll analyze a situation, pick it apart, re-visit the situation, write about it, vent about it and suddenly you’ve created problems out of a situation where there may have never been a problem in the first place. Churning negativity over and over in your mind only makes you feel even worse and brings up fears, insecurities and sadness. The mind can make a situation seem worse than what it really is.
We focus too much on what other people think. You care if other people think you are successful and over-apologize if you feel you offended someone. About a year ago I had an old friend send me a random text message, apologizing to me for offending me at an event that had happened two weeks prior. I had absolutely no idea what she was talking about so I gave her a call to see what she was talking about. I had made an innocent joke at the dinner table and she had taken it very personally. Apparently she had been thinking she’d offended me for a couple of weeks and had been feeling like she was a bad person as a result. The whole thing was completely and 100% in her head. I didn’t feel offended and I had completely forgotten the joke. As a result she had caused herself unnecessary pain by focusing way too much on how I felt. Thankfully she found the strength to reach out so I could let her know that all was okay between us. It is your job to keep things in perspective. Instead of worrying how your actions are perceived, focus on keeping perspective. If you feel you did cause a problem, handle it straight away. Don’t over think it, just apologize, let go and move on.
We can’t let go of the past. Some problems are in the past, long gone and have no impact on our lives anymore, yet sometimes we continue to mull over them, have “what ifs” and are filled with regret. Sure there was a problem but now it’s time to let that problem go.

Okay now that we’ve identified the reasons for causing our own problems, how do we go about fixing this?

Have a shift in perspective. Try to look at things from a different angle. You might be viewing something as a conflict when it was never a conflict in the first place. We often view situations from a place that comes from our ego. The focus seems like it’s on us but in actuality it rarely is. Once you accept how the reality of the situation actually looks, a solution will be more obvious. This process can be a challenge. Seeing things from a different perspective is not easy at first. Write down what happened and try to pin point what actually occurred. The reality of the situation is typically dramatically different from how your mind interpreted the situation. Slowly you will realize that there never was a problem or that there is only a situation or challenge that you can handle and deal with accordingly.

Live in the present . Stay in the moment. Rather than worrying and consuming yourself with what happened in the past, focus on what you can do now to prevent yourself from repeating those mistakes. If you offended someone, apologize now. If you lost a promotion, pick yourself up and work on doing better next time or improving your resume so you can find a job that values what you can offer. When you focus on what is happening now, you can see more clearly on what you need to do and how to do it.

Avoid talking out your thoughts. There is a place and time to vent and go through things with a loved one. However, making this a habit will teach you to continue to ruminate and think about issues obsessively. To break the habit, try to avoid using this as your “go to” technique for dealing with a challenge. Yes, there are indeed situations where you may need to talk things out with someone but you’ll have a better understanding of when that becomes a necessity by practicing the method of withholding yourself from spending too much time talking and thinking things over. If you do talk about your problems with someone, then ensure this person is someone who is supportive and won’t feed into your habit of overthinking. A person you don’t want to communicate your thoughts to is someone who will make you stressed, fearful, anxious or worry even more. Find people who are positive, supportive and want you to see the best possible outcome for you. This person will help you come up with a solution that you can start working on now.

Accept that the past cannot be changed. There is nothing you can do to change the past. Whatever happened, happened so there’s no use in going over what happened repeatedly. Be present with your thoughts and focus on what you can do now.

View your problems as challenges that have solutions. The main issue with problems is that a problem takes away our accountability to handle the problem. In actuality, most of your “problems” are challenges meaning that you can overcome them and that there are solutions in place. When you stay present in the situation and think about what you can do now to address the situation, you’ll easily grasp the solution and can start the process of moving forward. You can push yourself out of the analysis phase of a problem and instead think about the actions you can do.

Hold on to the big picture. Problems created through your mind tend to come from focusing on a small thing that happened that seems big. Let’s take a car accident. Yes, that’s a big event that happened to you today or this year but remember the big picture. You are alive. Your car is okay. You have a support network that can assist you through this. This happened and there’s nothing you can do to change the situation now. You can rent a car or take public transportation to work. You’ll have an action in place to save money and make up for any loss of debts as a problem. Focusing on the big picture will prevent you from beating yourself up for something that happened. The big picture will focus your thoughts on the present and help you realize that a situation doesn’t have to ruin your mood.

Be mindful of your thoughts. Your thoughts DO have power. The more you can focus on the positive outcomes, the more likely you will allow your actions and behaviors to be positive. For instance, let’s say you start a new job and it’s your first week. The processes are new, challenging and very overwhelming. If you focus on the negative and feed yourself with thoughts that you might get fired or you won’t succeed then you are more likely to influence your actions to make you less productive. For instance, your stress will influence your sleep patterns, how much energy you can devote to work and how you speak with other coworkers (i.e., less confidence) will be affected. However, if you approach this new job with a positive outlook, you’ll continue to work hard, ask questions, be patient with yourself and you will increase the likelihood that you’ll have a good start to a new job. Never underestimate the power of your thoughts.

Stopping yourself from creating your own problems is not the easiest thing to do but by practising these tips, you will start to master the art of not thinking so much. You’ll stop seeing things as problems and focus instead on your present situation and what you can do now. Feel free to share your experiences with creating your own problems and other tips you may have.

How to Stop Overthinking

Here's how to recognize the signs that you're overthinking

Amy Morin, LCSW, is a psychotherapist and international bestselling author. Her books, including "13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do," have been translated into more than 40 languages. Her TEDx talk, "The Secret of Becoming Mentally Strong," is one of the most viewed talks of all time.

Verywell / Laura Porter

How to Stop

Overthinking can be a hard habit to break . You might even convince yourself that thinking about something for a really long time is the key to developing the best solution. But that’s usually not the case.

In fact, the longer you think about something, the less time and energy you have to take productive action. Plus, thinking about all the things you could have done differently, second-guessing your decisions, and continuously imagining worst-case scenarios can be exhausting.

Learn what overthinking is, some signs you may be an overthinker, and a few reasons some people think too much. Also, explore different types of overthinking, the effects on your mental health and relationships, and how to stop overthinking things in your life.

What Is Overthinking?

Overthinking involves thinking about a certain topic or situation excessively, analyzing it for long periods of time. When you overthink, you have a hard time getting your mind to focus on anything else. It becomes consumed by the one thing you are thinking about.

While some people believe that overthinking may be helpful since it involves looking at an issue or problem from nearly every viewpoint possible and anticipating future events, the opposite is true. Research suggests that overthinking is associated with feelings of depression , anxiety , and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

Everyone overthinks sometimes. Maybe you keep thinking about all the things that could go wrong when you give your presentation next week, or you’ve wasted countless hours trying to decide what to wear to your upcoming job interview.

Finding ways to put an end to overthinking can help you take action in your life versus simply thinking about things that are bothering you. Instead of going over something in your mind again and again, you can start to take the steps necessary to resolve the situation.

Signs You're Overthinking

If you're wondering whether you are overthinking a particular situation or concern, there are a few things you can look for. Signs of overthinking include:

An inability to think about anything else
Being unable to relax
Constantly feeling worried or anxious
Fixating on things outside of your control
Feeling mentally exhausted
Having a lot of negative thoughts
Replaying a situation or experience in your mind
Second-guessing your decisions
Thinking of all the worst-case scenarios

Causes of Overthinking

Overthinking can happen for several reasons. Here are a few to consider.

Not Being Solution-Focused

Overthinking is different from problem-solving. Overthinking is about dwelling on the problem, while problem-solving involves looking for a solution.

Imagine a storm is coming. Here’s an example that shows the difference between overthinking and problem-solving:

Overthinking: “I wish the storm wouldn’t come. It’s going to be awful. I hope the house doesn’t get damaged. Why do these things always have to happen to me? I can’t handle this.”
Problem-solving: “I will go outside and pick up everything that might blow away. I’ll put sandbags against the garage door to prevent flooding. If we get a lot of rain I’ll go to the store to buy plywood so I can board up the windows.”

Problem-solving can lead to productive action. Overthinking, on the other hand, fuels uncomfortable emotions and doesn’t look for solutions.

Experiencing Repetitive Thoughts

Ruminating —or rehashing the same things over and over again—isn’t helpful. But, when you’re overthinking, you might find yourself replaying a conversation in your head repeatedly or imagining something bad happening many times.

Dwelling on your problems, mistakes, and shortcomings, increases your risk of mental health problems, according to a 2013 study published in the Journal of Abnormal Psychology.

As your mental health declines, you are more likely you are to ruminate on your thoughts. It’s a repetitive cycle that can be tough to break.

Your Brain Won't Shut Off

When you’re overthinking you might feel like your brain won’t shut off. When you try to sleep, you might even feel as though your brain is on overdrive as it replays scenarios in your head and causes you to imagine bad things happening.

Research confirms what you likely already know—rumination interferes with sleep. Overthinking makes it harder to fall asleep.

Overthinking impairs the quality of your sleep too. So it’s harder to fall into a deep slumber when your brain is busy overthinking everything.

Difficulty falling asleep may contribute to more worrisome thoughts. For example, when you don’t fall asleep right away, you might imagine that you’ll be overtired the following day. That may cause you to feel anxious—which may make it even harder to fall asleep.

Making Decisions Is a Struggle

You might try to convince yourself that thinking longer and harder helps you. After all, you’re looking at a problem from every possible angle. But, overanalyzing and obsessing actually becomes a barrier. Research shows thinking too much makes it tough to make decisions.

If you’re indecisive about everything from what to eat for dinner to which hotel you should book, you might be overthinking things.

It's very likely that you are wasting a lot of time looking for second opinions and researching your options, when ultimately, those little choices might not matter so much.

Decisions are Second-Guessed

Overthinking sometimes involves beating yourself up for the decisions you already made.

You could waste a lot of time thinking your life would be better if you’d only taken that other job or not started a business. Or maybe you get upset with yourself for not seeing red flags sooner—because you believe they should have been obvious!

And while a little healthy self-reflection can help you learn from your mistakes, rehashing and second-guessing is a form of mental torture.

Overthinking can take a toll on your mood and may make it even more difficult to make decisions in the future.

Types of Overthinking

There are also different types of overthinking that a person might engage in. Many of these are caused by cognitive distortions , which are negative or distorted ways of thinking.

All-or-Nothing Thinking

This type of overthinking involves only seeing situations in black or white. Instead of looking at both the good and the bad, you might analyze an event only in terms of it being a total success or a total failure.

Catastrophizing

This type of overthinking involves thinking things are worse than they are. For example, you might fear that you will fail an exam. This then leads to worry that you will fail the class, which will then lead to failing school, not getting a degree, and not being able to find a job. This type of overthinking sets you up to worry about unrealistic worst-case scenarios.

Overgeneralizing

This form of overthinking happens when you base a rule or expectation for the future on a single or random event from the past. Instead of accepting that different outcomes are possible, you might assume that certain things will "always" or "never" happen. In this case, overgeneralizing one event from the past to every event in the future often leads to overthinking and worrying about things that might never occur.

Effects of Overthinking

Overthinking is not a mental illness, and while overthinking can make you anxious, it is not necessarily the same thing as anxiety. However, it can often play a role in the development and maintenance of several mental health conditions. Some disorders that are associated with overthinking include:

Generalized anxiety disorder (GAD)
Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD)
Panic disorder
Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)
Social anxiety disorder (SAD)

Overthinking can have a bidirectional relationship with mental health issues. Stressful events, depression, and anxiety can make people more prone to overthinking, and then this overthinking contributes to worse stress, anxiety, and depression.

Finding a way to break out of this cycle can often help relieve some symptoms of these conditions.

Overthinking can also take a serious toll on relationships. Assuming the worst and jumping to incorrect conclusions can lead to arguments and conflicts with other people. Obsessing about every little thing other people do and say can also mean that you misunderstand what they are trying to convey.

It can also lead to relationship anxiety , and behaviors like constantly needing reassurance or attempting to control other people. Such behavior can harm your relationships with others.

Research shows thinking less about a problem might actually be the key to developing better solutions. Here are a few ways to stop overthinking .

Distract Yourself

Rather than sit and think about a problem for endless amounts of time, you can distract yourself for a bit.

Your brain may find better ways to work out a solution in the background while you’re distracted with another task—like working in the garden. Or, you might “sleep on it” and discover that your brain solves the problem for you while you’re sleeping.

A brief distraction can give you a break. And it may get your mind focused on something more productive. And, your brain might even develop a solution for you when you stop thinking about the problem.

Challenge Negative Thoughts

Remind yourself that your thoughts are not facts. Every thought you have will not be truthful, accurate, or even realistic. Learning how to reframe them in a more positive way can help relieve the tendency to overthink.

When you find yourself overthinking, challenge these thoughts. Ask yourself if they are realistic. Consider alternative scenarios. It can be difficult at first, but learning to call out your own overthinking can help you learn to replace negative thoughts with more helpful ones.

Work on Your Interpersonal Skills

Studies have found that improving your interpersonal skills can help stop you from overthinking since these skills have a large effect on this particular habit. Ways to develop stronger interpersonal skills include:

Increasing your self-awareness
Boosting your self-confidence
Practicing self-control

Meditation can be an excellent tool for redirecting your thoughts more positively. As you meditate, work on focusing on your breath. The goal is not to clear your mind, but rather to focus it on something and practice redirecting your focus whenever your thoughts wander.

With practice, you will find it much easier to halt overthinking in its tracks before it becomes a more serious problem. Research has found that a 10-minute meditation can be an effective way to stop intrusive thoughts and worry.

Practice Self-Acceptance

Overthinking often stems from dwelling on past mistakes or worrying about things that you cannot change. Instead of berating yourself for things you might regret, try working toward being more accepting and compassionate of yourself.

Research suggests that people who extend themselves such compassion are more likely to use adaptive coping strategies.

Strategies that may help you become more self-accepting include:

Practicing gratitude and thinking about the aspects of yourself that you appreciate
Cultivating a strong support system made up of people who can provide encouragement and love
Forgive yourself for things you regret

Get Therapy

If you can’t break free from overthinking, consider getting professional help. Overthinking may be a symptom of a mental health issue, like depression or anxiety. On the flip side, it may also increase your susceptibility to developing mental health problems.

A mental health professional may teach you skills that will help you stop obsessing, ruminating, and dwelling on things that aren’t helpful. They may also help you identify coping strategies that work for you, such as mindfulness or physical exercise.

If you feel like your brain is on overdrive, talk to your physician. Your doctor may be able to refer you to a therapist who can help you put an end to overthinking.

A Word From Verywell

Overthinking can create an endless cycle of stress and worry, which can ultimately cause you to feel less prepared, motivated, and confident. It can also play a role in mental health issues like anxiety and depression, so it is important to find ways to break out of such destructive thought patterns.

Self-help strategies like distracting yourself and challenging your thoughts can help. If overthinking is taking a toll on your well-being, consider talking to a mental health professional. They can help you develop the mental tools and coping skills you need to prevent overthinking.

Kaiser BN, Haroz EE, Kohrt BA, Bolton PA, Bass JK, Hinton DE. "Thinking too much": A systematic review of a common idiom of distress . Soc Sci Med . 2016;147:170-183. doi:10.1016/j.socscimed.2015.10.044

Michl LC, McLaughlin KA, Shepherd K, Nolen-Hoeksema S. Rumination as a mechanism linking stressful life events to symptoms of depression and anxiety: longitudinal evidence in early adolescents and adults . J Abnorm Psychol . 2013;122(2):339-352. doi:10.1037/a0031994

Thomsen DK, Mehlsen MY, Christensen S, Zachariae R. Rumination—relationship with negative mood and sleep quality . Personality and Individual Differences . 2003;34(7):1293-1301. doi:10.1016/s0191-8869(02)00120-4

Strick M, Dijksterhuis A, van Baaren RB. Unconscious-Thought Effects Take Place Off-Line, Not On-Line . Psychological Science . 2010;21(4):484-488. doi:10.1177/0956797610363555

Rnic K, Dozois DJ, Martin RA. Cognitive distortions, humor styles, and depression . Eur J Psychol . 2016;12(3):348-362. doi:10.5964/ejop.v12i3.1118

Pieter R, Nababan D, Ariawan S, Listio S, Ruben S. Improving interpersonal skills to overcome the negative effects of overthinking in the disruption era . BIRCI-J . 2022;5(2):10632-10642. doi:10.33258/birci.v5i2.4876

Ainsworth B, Bolderston H, Garner M. Testing the differential effects of acceptance and attention-based psychological interventions on intrusive thoughts and worry . Behaviour Research and Therapy . 2017;91:72-77. doi:10.1016/j.brat.2017.01.012

Chwyl C, Chen P, Zaki J. Beliefs about self-compassion: Implications for coping and self-improvement . Pers Soc Psychol Bull . 2021 Sep;47(9):1327-1342. doi:10.1177/0146167220965303

By Amy Morin, LCSW Amy Morin, LCSW, is a psychotherapist and international bestselling author. Her books, including "13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do," have been translated into more than 40 languages. Her TEDx talk, "The Secret of Becoming Mentally Strong," is one of the most viewed talks of all time.

4 Steps To Move On From Problems Fast

by Pinky Jangra | March, 2017 | Pinky Jangra , self-growth | 2 comments

Problems are a part of life. But do they have to be such a big, harrowing and lingering part of life? I’m not so sure. In most cases we can take simple steps to move on from problems and for most day to day problems, we can move on very quickly. Of course when a problem arises it’s totally normal to have a moment of complaining and maybe even blaming, perhaps we have an angry outburst. Tears and fear may also arise – that’s all OK. But hanging around for too long in those emotions and in that state of mind doesn’t help us. Here’s how to get out of that rut and move on:

1. Acceptance

Be angry and upset for a few moments if you need to, but then let it go. Fast. What’s done is done. You can’t change it. It’s really that simple. One of the best things we can do in life for our own wellbeing is understand what we can’t control. The past is something we can’t control, so to linger there in your mind is pretty futile. Accept what has happened and move onto step 2.

2. Perspective

For most day to day problems such as being late, having a minor argument or the car breaking down ask yourself these questions:

Did anyone die?
Did anyone get sick?
Will this matter in a couple of months time?
Will it matter in a years time?
Will it matter in five years time?

In most cases, the answer is no. So why give it such importance?

I recently damaged a hard drive with 1.5 years of my work on it. I still don’t know if it’s recoverable. I could have been upset for days, weeks even! But I didn’t see the point of that so I used these exact four steps to move through it emotionally and mentally. Within one hour of the incident I was feeling great and I got on with my life.

You could also ask yourself: What is the opportunity in this situation? I saw my problem as an opportunity to manage my mental and emotional reactions to life, to build my resilience. It also inspired this blog.

What did I learn from my broken hard drive? To back up my work. I’ll not make this same mistake again. What can you learn from day to day problems? Some problems teach patience, faith and hope. Some teach practical life skills such as time management, communication or negotiation. There are many pearls at the bottom of the ocean if you’re willing to take the dive and look for them. As soon as you start grabbing those pearls, you’ll feel much better.

4. Solutions

As quick as possible, start looking for solutions. You can’t be in problem mode and solution mode at the same time. Which mode you’re in is entirely your own choice. Solution mode not only feels more empowering, but it is of course more productive too.

Once you start finding solutions you immediately feel better. You act better. And you get better results.

We really do have more control over our life experience than we think.

Bigger and more painful problems may require more time to process the above steps. This blog isn’t to belittle your problems or withhold compassion for the sometimes heart breaking challenges we face. But whatever the challenge, the steps of moving on are the same.

The more you practise these steps, the more natural they become and the faster you can get through them. A few years ago I would have sat in problem mode for days about my hard drive. But, because I am consistently working on myself I am able to gain more and more control – not of the outer world, but of how I deal with it.

And that’s really the crux of dealing with life’s challenges. To master our problems, we must first master ourselves.

About the author: To find out more about Pinky Jangra, click here .

‘We Are The Positive Psychology People’

Find out more about positive psychology courses and training at

Positive Psychology Online Courses

Thank you for this wonderful messages for us especially me that i need this teaching for myself.

This is exactly me. My therapist told me that she thinks I get over things to fast and that I need to explore my feelings more. I started Googling how I think and deal with my problems and I found this page. It’s exactly who I am. Thank you for reassuring me that this method is useful to you and others.

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Do You Understand the Problem You’re Trying to Solve?

To solve tough problems at work, first ask these questions.

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Problem solving skills are invaluable in any job. But all too often, we jump to find solutions to a problem without taking time to really understand the dilemma we face, according to Thomas Wedell-Wedellsborg , an expert in innovation and the author of the book, What’s Your Problem?: To Solve Your Toughest Problems, Change the Problems You Solve .

In this episode, you’ll learn how to reframe tough problems by asking questions that reveal all the factors and assumptions that contribute to the situation. You’ll also learn why searching for just one root cause can be misleading.

Key episode topics include: leadership, decision making and problem solving, power and influence, business management.

HBR On Leadership curates the best case studies and conversations with the world’s top business and management experts, to help you unlock the best in those around you. New episodes every week.

Listen to the original HBR IdeaCast episode: The Secret to Better Problem Solving (2016)
Find more episodes of HBR IdeaCast
Discover 100 years of Harvard Business Review articles, case studies, podcasts, and more at HBR.org .

HANNAH BATES: Welcome to HBR on Leadership , case studies and conversations with the world’s top business and management experts, hand-selected to help you unlock the best in those around you.

Problem solving skills are invaluable in any job. But even the most experienced among us can fall into the trap of solving the wrong problem.

Thomas Wedell-Wedellsborg says that all too often, we jump to find solutions to a problem – without taking time to really understand what we’re facing.

He’s an expert in innovation, and he’s the author of the book, What’s Your Problem?: To Solve Your Toughest Problems, Change the Problems You Solve .

In this episode, you’ll learn how to reframe tough problems, by asking questions that reveal all the factors and assumptions that contribute to the situation. You’ll also learn why searching for one root cause can be misleading. And you’ll learn how to use experimentation and rapid prototyping as problem-solving tools.

This episode originally aired on HBR IdeaCast in December 2016. Here it is.

SARAH GREEN CARMICHAEL: Welcome to the HBR IdeaCast from Harvard Business Review. I’m Sarah Green Carmichael.

Problem solving is popular. People put it on their resumes. Managers believe they excel at it. Companies count it as a key proficiency. We solve customers’ problems.

The problem is we often solve the wrong problems. Albert Einstein and Peter Drucker alike have discussed the difficulty of effective diagnosis. There are great frameworks for getting teams to attack true problems, but they’re often hard to do daily and on the fly. That’s where our guest comes in.

Thomas Wedell-Wedellsborg is a consultant who helps companies and managers reframe their problems so they can come up with an effective solution faster. He asks the question “Are You Solving The Right Problems?” in the January-February 2017 issue of Harvard Business Review. Thomas, thank you so much for coming on the HBR IdeaCast .

THOMAS WEDELL-WEDELLSBORG: Thanks for inviting me.

SARAH GREEN CARMICHAEL: So, I thought maybe we could start by talking about the problem of talking about problem reframing. What is that exactly?

THOMAS WEDELL-WEDELLSBORG: Basically, when people face a problem, they tend to jump into solution mode to rapidly, and very often that means that they don’t really understand, necessarily, the problem they’re trying to solve. And so, reframing is really a– at heart, it’s a method that helps you avoid that by taking a second to go in and ask two questions, basically saying, first of all, wait. What is the problem we’re trying to solve? And then crucially asking, is there a different way to think about what the problem actually is?

SARAH GREEN CARMICHAEL: So, I feel like so often when this comes up in meetings, you know, someone says that, and maybe they throw out the Einstein quote about you spend an hour of problem solving, you spend 55 minutes to find the problem. And then everyone else in the room kind of gets irritated. So, maybe just give us an example of maybe how this would work in practice in a way that would not, sort of, set people’s teeth on edge, like oh, here Sarah goes again, reframing the whole problem instead of just solving it.

THOMAS WEDELL-WEDELLSBORG: I mean, you’re bringing up something that’s, I think is crucial, which is to create legitimacy for the method. So, one of the reasons why I put out the article is to give people a tool to say actually, this thing is still important, and we need to do it. But I think the really critical thing in order to make this work in a meeting is actually to learn how to do it fast, because if you have the idea that you need to spend 30 minutes in a meeting delving deeply into the problem, I mean, that’s going to be uphill for most problems. So, the critical thing here is really to try to make it a practice you can implement very, very rapidly.

There’s an example that I would suggest memorizing. This is the example that I use to explain very rapidly what it is. And it’s basically, I call it the slow elevator problem. You imagine that you are the owner of an office building, and that your tenants are complaining that the elevator’s slow.

Now, if you take that problem framing for granted, you’re going to start thinking creatively around how do we make the elevator faster. Do we install a new motor? Do we have to buy a new lift somewhere?

The thing is, though, if you ask people who actually work with facilities management, well, they’re going to have a different solution for you, which is put up a mirror next to the elevator. That’s what happens is, of course, that people go oh, I’m busy. I’m busy. I’m– oh, a mirror. Oh, that’s beautiful.

And then they forget time. What’s interesting about that example is that the idea with a mirror is actually a solution to a different problem than the one you first proposed. And so, the whole idea here is once you get good at using reframing, you can quickly identify other aspects of the problem that might be much better to try to solve than the original one you found. It’s not necessarily that the first one is wrong. It’s just that there might be better problems out there to attack that we can, means we can do things much faster, cheaper, or better.

SARAH GREEN CARMICHAEL: So, in that example, I can understand how A, it’s probably expensive to make the elevator faster, so it’s much cheaper just to put up a mirror. And B, maybe the real problem people are actually feeling, even though they’re not articulating it right, is like, I hate waiting for the elevator. But if you let them sort of fix their hair or check their teeth, they’re suddenly distracted and don’t notice.

But if you have, this is sort of a pedestrian example, but say you have a roommate or a spouse who doesn’t clean up the kitchen. Facing that problem and not having your elegant solution already there to highlight the contrast between the perceived problem and the real problem, how would you take a problem like that and attack it using this method so that you can see what some of the other options might be?

THOMAS WEDELL-WEDELLSBORG: Right. So, I mean, let’s say it’s you who have that problem. I would go in and say, first of all, what would you say the problem is? Like, if you were to describe your view of the problem, what would that be?

SARAH GREEN CARMICHAEL: I hate cleaning the kitchen, and I want someone else to clean it up.

THOMAS WEDELL-WEDELLSBORG: OK. So, my first observation, you know, that somebody else might not necessarily be your spouse. So, already there, there’s an inbuilt assumption in your question around oh, it has to be my husband who does the cleaning. So, it might actually be worth, already there to say, is that really the only problem you have? That you hate cleaning the kitchen, and you want to avoid it? Or might there be something around, as well, getting a better relationship in terms of how you solve problems in general or establishing a better way to handle small problems when dealing with your spouse?

SARAH GREEN CARMICHAEL: Or maybe, now that I’m thinking that, maybe the problem is that you just can’t find the stuff in the kitchen when you need to find it.

THOMAS WEDELL-WEDELLSBORG: Right, and so that’s an example of a reframing, that actually why is it a problem that the kitchen is not clean? Is it only because you hate the act of cleaning, or does it actually mean that it just takes you a lot longer and gets a lot messier to actually use the kitchen, which is a different problem. The way you describe this problem now, is there anything that’s missing from that description?

SARAH GREEN CARMICHAEL: That is a really good question.

THOMAS WEDELL-WEDELLSBORG: Other, basically asking other factors that we are not talking about right now, and I say those because people tend to, when given a problem, they tend to delve deeper into the detail. What often is missing is actually an element outside of the initial description of the problem that might be really relevant to what’s going on. Like, why does the kitchen get messy in the first place? Is it something about the way you use it or your cooking habits? Is it because the neighbor’s kids, kind of, use it all the time?

There might, very often, there might be issues that you’re not really thinking about when you first describe the problem that actually has a big effect on it.

SARAH GREEN CARMICHAEL: I think at this point it would be helpful to maybe get another business example, and I’m wondering if you could tell us the story of the dog adoption problem.

THOMAS WEDELL-WEDELLSBORG: Yeah. This is a big problem in the US. If you work in the shelter industry, basically because dogs are so popular, more than 3 million dogs every year enter a shelter, and currently only about half of those actually find a new home and get adopted. And so, this is a problem that has persisted. It’s been, like, a structural problem for decades in this space. In the last three years, where people found new ways to address it.

So a woman called Lori Weise who runs a rescue organization in South LA, and she actually went in and challenged the very idea of what we were trying to do. She said, no, no. The problem we’re trying to solve is not about how to get more people to adopt dogs. It is about keeping the dogs with their first family so they never enter the shelter system in the first place.

In 2013, she started what’s called a Shelter Intervention Program that basically works like this. If a family comes and wants to hand over their dog, these are called owner surrenders. It’s about 30% of all dogs that come into a shelter. All they would do is go up and ask, if you could, would you like to keep your animal? And if they said yes, they would try to fix whatever helped them fix the problem, but that made them turn over this.

And sometimes that might be that they moved into a new building. The landlord required a deposit, and they simply didn’t have the money to put down a deposit. Or the dog might need a $10 rabies shot, but they didn’t know how to get access to a vet.

And so, by instigating that program, just in the first year, she took her, basically the amount of dollars they spent per animal they helped went from something like $85 down to around $60. Just an immediate impact, and her program now is being rolled out, is being supported by the ASPCA, which is one of the big animal welfare stations, and it’s being rolled out to various other places.

And I think what really struck me with that example was this was not dependent on having the internet. This was not, oh, we needed to have everybody mobile before we could come up with this. This, conceivably, we could have done 20 years ago. Only, it only happened when somebody, like in this case Lori, went in and actually rethought what the problem they were trying to solve was in the first place.

SARAH GREEN CARMICHAEL: So, what I also think is so interesting about that example is that when you talk about it, it doesn’t sound like the kind of thing that would have been thought of through other kinds of problem solving methods. There wasn’t necessarily an After Action Review or a 5 Whys exercise or a Six Sigma type intervention. I don’t want to throw those other methods under the bus, but how can you get such powerful results with such a very simple way of thinking about something?

THOMAS WEDELL-WEDELLSBORG: That was something that struck me as well. This, in a way, reframing and the idea of the problem diagnosis is important is something we’ve known for a long, long time. And we’ve actually have built some tools to help out. If you worked with us professionally, you are familiar with, like, Six Sigma, TRIZ, and so on. You mentioned 5 Whys. A root cause analysis is another one that a lot of people are familiar with.

Those are our good tools, and they’re definitely better than nothing. But what I notice when I work with the companies applying those was those tools tend to make you dig deeper into the first understanding of the problem we have. If it’s the elevator example, people start asking, well, is that the cable strength, or is the capacity of the elevator? That they kind of get caught by the details.

That, in a way, is a bad way to work on problems because it really assumes that there’s like a, you can almost hear it, a root cause. That you have to dig down and find the one true problem, and everything else was just symptoms. That’s a bad way to think about problems because problems tend to be multicausal.

There tend to be lots of causes or levers you can potentially press to address a problem. And if you think there’s only one, if that’s the right problem, that’s actually a dangerous way. And so I think that’s why, that this is a method I’ve worked with over the last five years, trying to basically refine how to make people better at this, and the key tends to be this thing about shifting out and saying, is there a totally different way of thinking about the problem versus getting too caught up in the mechanistic details of what happens.

SARAH GREEN CARMICHAEL: What about experimentation? Because that’s another method that’s become really popular with the rise of Lean Startup and lots of other innovation methodologies. Why wouldn’t it have worked to, say, experiment with many different types of fixing the dog adoption problem, and then just pick the one that works the best?

THOMAS WEDELL-WEDELLSBORG: You could say in the dog space, that’s what’s been going on. I mean, there is, in this industry and a lot of, it’s largely volunteer driven. People have experimented, and they found different ways of trying to cope. And that has definitely made the problem better. So, I wouldn’t say that experimentation is bad, quite the contrary. Rapid prototyping, quickly putting something out into the world and learning from it, that’s a fantastic way to learn more and to move forward.

My point is, though, that I feel we’ve come to rely too much on that. There’s like, if you look at the start up space, the wisdom is now just to put something quickly into the market, and then if it doesn’t work, pivot and just do more stuff. What reframing really is, I think of it as the cognitive counterpoint to prototyping. So, this is really a way of seeing very quickly, like not just working on the solution, but also working on our understanding of the problem and trying to see is there a different way to think about that.

If you only stick with experimentation, again, you tend to sometimes stay too much in the same space trying minute variations of something instead of taking a step back and saying, wait a minute. What is this telling us about what the real issue is?

SARAH GREEN CARMICHAEL: So, to go back to something that we touched on earlier, when we were talking about the completely hypothetical example of a spouse who does not clean the kitchen–

THOMAS WEDELL-WEDELLSBORG: Completely, completely hypothetical.

SARAH GREEN CARMICHAEL: Yes. For the record, my husband is a great kitchen cleaner.

You started asking me some questions that I could see immediately were helping me rethink that problem. Is that kind of the key, just having a checklist of questions to ask yourself? How do you really start to put this into practice?

THOMAS WEDELL-WEDELLSBORG: I think there are two steps in that. The first one is just to make yourself better at the method. Yes, you should kind of work with a checklist. In the article, I kind of outlined seven practices that you can use to do this.

But importantly, I would say you have to consider that as, basically, a set of training wheels. I think there’s a big, big danger in getting caught in a checklist. This is something I work with.

My co-author Paddy Miller, it’s one of his insights. That if you start giving people a checklist for things like this, they start following it. And that’s actually a problem, because what you really want them to do is start challenging their thinking.

So the way to handle this is to get some practice using it. Do use the checklist initially, but then try to step away from it and try to see if you can organically make– it’s almost a habit of mind. When you run into a colleague in the hallway and she has a problem and you have five minutes, like, delving in and just starting asking some of those questions and using your intuition to say, wait, how is she talking about this problem? And is there a question or two I can ask her about the problem that can help her rethink it?

SARAH GREEN CARMICHAEL: Well, that is also just a very different approach, because I think in that situation, most of us can’t go 30 seconds without jumping in and offering solutions.

THOMAS WEDELL-WEDELLSBORG: Very true. The drive toward solutions is very strong. And to be clear, I mean, there’s nothing wrong with that if the solutions work. So, many problems are just solved by oh, you know, oh, here’s the way to do that. Great.

But this is really a powerful method for those problems where either it’s something we’ve been banging our heads against tons of times without making progress, or when you need to come up with a really creative solution. When you’re facing a competitor with a much bigger budget, and you know, if you solve the same problem later, you’re not going to win. So, that basic idea of taking that approach to problems can often help you move forward in a different way than just like, oh, I have a solution.

I would say there’s also, there’s some interesting psychological stuff going on, right? Where you may have tried this, but if somebody tries to serve up a solution to a problem I have, I’m often resistant towards them. Kind if like, no, no, no, no, no, no. That solution is not going to work in my world. Whereas if you get them to discuss and analyze what the problem really is, you might actually dig something up.

Let’s go back to the kitchen example. One powerful question is just to say, what’s your own part in creating this problem? It’s very often, like, people, they describe problems as if it’s something that’s inflicted upon them from the external world, and they are innocent bystanders in that.

SARAH GREEN CARMICHAEL: Right, or crazy customers with unreasonable demands.

THOMAS WEDELL-WEDELLSBORG: Exactly, right. I don’t think I’ve ever met an agency or consultancy that didn’t, like, gossip about their customers. Oh, my god, they’re horrible. That, you know, classic thing, why don’t they want to take more risk? Well, risk is bad.

It’s their business that’s on the line, not the consultancy’s, right? So, absolutely, that’s one of the things when you step into a different mindset and kind of, wait. Oh yeah, maybe I actually am part of creating this problem in a sense, as well. That tends to open some new doors for you to move forward, in a way, with stuff that you may have been struggling with for years.

SARAH GREEN CARMICHAEL: So, we’ve surfaced a couple of questions that are useful. I’m curious to know, what are some of the other questions that you find yourself asking in these situations, given that you have made this sort of mental habit that you do? What are the questions that people seem to find really useful?

THOMAS WEDELL-WEDELLSBORG: One easy one is just to ask if there are any positive exceptions to the problem. So, was there day where your kitchen was actually spotlessly clean? And then asking, what was different about that day? Like, what happened there that didn’t happen the other days? That can very often point people towards a factor that they hadn’t considered previously.

SARAH GREEN CARMICHAEL: We got take-out.

THOMAS WEDELL-WEDELLSBORG: S,o that is your solution. Take-out from [INAUDIBLE]. That might have other problems.

Another good question, and this is a little bit more high level. It’s actually more making an observation about labeling how that person thinks about the problem. And what I mean with that is, we have problem categories in our head. So, if I say, let’s say that you describe a problem to me and say, well, we have a really great product and are, it’s much better than our previous product, but people aren’t buying it. I think we need to put more marketing dollars into this.

Now you can go in and say, that’s interesting. This sounds like you’re thinking of this as a communications problem. Is there a different way of thinking about that? Because you can almost tell how, when the second you say communications, there are some ideas about how do you solve a communications problem. Typically with more communication.

And what you might do is go in and suggest, well, have you considered that it might be, say, an incentive problem? Are there incentives on behalf of the purchasing manager at your clients that are obstructing you? Might there be incentive issues with your own sales force that makes them want to sell the old product instead of the new one?

So literally, just identifying what type of problem does this person think about, and is there different potential way of thinking about it? Might it be an emotional problem, a timing problem, an expectations management problem? Thinking about what label of what type of problem that person is kind of thinking as it of.

SARAH GREEN CARMICHAEL: That’s really interesting, too, because I think so many of us get requests for advice that we’re really not qualified to give. So, maybe the next time that happens, instead of muddying my way through, I will just ask some of those questions that we talked about instead.

THOMAS WEDELL-WEDELLSBORG: That sounds like a good idea.

SARAH GREEN CARMICHAEL: So, Thomas, this has really helped me reframe the way I think about a couple of problems in my own life, and I’m just wondering. I know you do this professionally, but is there a problem in your life that thinking this way has helped you solve?

THOMAS WEDELL-WEDELLSBORG: I’ve, of course, I’ve been swallowing my own medicine on this, too, and I think I have, well, maybe two different examples, and in one case somebody else did the reframing for me. But in one case, when I was younger, I often kind of struggled a little bit. I mean, this is my teenage years, kind of hanging out with my parents. I thought they were pretty annoying people. That’s not really fair, because they’re quite wonderful, but that’s what life is when you’re a teenager.

And one of the things that struck me, suddenly, and this was kind of the positive exception was, there was actually an evening where we really had a good time, and there wasn’t a conflict. And the core thing was, I wasn’t just seeing them in their old house where I grew up. It was, actually, we were at a restaurant. And it suddenly struck me that so much of the sometimes, kind of, a little bit, you love them but they’re annoying kind of dynamic, is tied to the place, is tied to the setting you are in.

And of course, if– you know, I live abroad now, if I visit my parents and I stay in my old bedroom, you know, my mother comes in and wants to wake me up in the morning. Stuff like that, right? And it just struck me so, so clearly that it’s– when I change this setting, if I go out and have dinner with them at a different place, that the dynamic, just that dynamic disappears.

SARAH GREEN CARMICHAEL: Well, Thomas, this has been really, really helpful. Thank you for talking with me today.

THOMAS WEDELL-WEDELLSBORG: Thank you, Sarah.

HANNAH BATES: That was Thomas Wedell-Wedellsborg in conversation with Sarah Green Carmichael on the HBR IdeaCast. He’s an expert in problem solving and innovation, and he’s the author of the book, What’s Your Problem?: To Solve Your Toughest Problems, Change the Problems You Solve .

We’ll be back next Wednesday with another hand-picked conversation about leadership from the Harvard Business Review. If you found this episode helpful, share it with your friends and colleagues, and follow our show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. While you’re there, be sure to leave us a review.

We’re a production of Harvard Business Review. If you want more podcasts, articles, case studies, books, and videos like this, find it all at HBR dot org.

This episode was produced by Anne Saini, and me, Hannah Bates. Ian Fox is our editor. Music by Coma Media. Special thanks to Maureen Hoch, Adi Ignatius, Karen Player, Ramsey Khabbaz, Nicole Smith, Anne Bartholomew, and you – our listener.

See you next week.

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Parents, stop trying to solve your kids’ problems. Their mental health depends on it.

I am in a unique position in my dual role as parent and pediatric psychologist.

Like most parents, I want to alleviate our children’s suffering by doing whatever I can. We hate to see our children worry and struggle. With the best of intentions, we think we are being helpful by trying to solve our kids’ problems for them.

As a pediatric psychologist, I know that taking this path often leads to our kids feeling more worried the next time something difficult happens. In fact, by solving our children’s problems for them, we interfere with our children’s ability to develop the effective coping mechanisms needed to deal with these challenges.

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For example, if you let your child stay home from school on a day they have a test or had an argument with a friend, their brain gets the message that avoidance is the safest option, and they will likely feel more anxious and less equipped when this comes up again.

I'm a psychologist for trans kids. Why I have to leave Texas to keep doing my job.

Want your teen to feel happier? Less anxious? Get them off their phone and social media.

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention’s recent Youth Risk Behavior Survey report illuminated a youth mental health crisis. Against this background, Nemours KidsHealth commissioned the national What’s Worrying America’s Kids survey of more than 500 youth, ages 9-13. These kids were asked in January about their frequency and sources of worry as well as their coping mechanisms.

The study found that more than a third of children worry at least once a week, with their tendency to worry progressing with age. Older children are more likely than their younger counterparts to report feeling like they will never stop worrying, with 48% of 13-year-olds vs. 22% for 9-year-olds reporting that feeling.

How to teach kids to solve their own problems

Although these findings may seem disheartening, the research also found that among the younger children polled – ages 9 to 11 – more than 75% say they turn first to their parents for information or advice, but that number dwindles to an average of 51% for 12- and 13-year-olds.

This shows that as parents and caregivers, we have a clear window of time when our kids are all ears, turning to us first for information and advice. It is our responsibility to leverage this opportunity to teach our kids the tools and coping mechanisms they need to grow into healthy young adults.

I like to compare parents and caregivers to scaffolding on buildings − it is our job to provide our kids with the support they need as we help them develop the tools to solve their problems. Being there, validating kids and talking with them while they face the hard stuff is what makes kids resilient.

Instead of solving problems for your kids, try the tips below:

Know what worry looks like. Based on our survey, we know that kids feel worry through their thoughts but also through their bodies! Pay attention if your child has a stomachache or headache the same time daily; check in to see whether their emotions could be contributing to their physical feelings.
Normalize worry. Let your kids know that it is normal to have worries and concerns. By normalizing worry, you can help your children feel more comfortable sitting with their worry and brainstorming ways to deal with it. Allow them to feel negative emotions without offering solutions.
Validate feelings. Tell your kids you understand their worries and try to empathize with them. Do not brush off your kids’ worries by trying to push them aside. Show empathy and acceptance for how they feel, so kids feel comfortable continuing to share their thoughts and feelings. You can say something like, “It sounds like you’re really worried; I can understand why that test would make you feel that way. I’m here for you.”
Ask kids what is on their minds. Encourage open dialogue and conversation. Ask open-ended questions and let kids share their thoughts. You can try something like, “What’s on your mind today?”
Don’t be too quick to give advice. Ask questions to learn more about what your child is worried about. Don’t try to immediately offer advice, but instead instruct your child in the direction of what would make them feel better and talk through these ideas with your child. You can offer to brainstorm with them about solutions, especially with younger kids.
Don’t always save the day. If your child forgets their lunch, or is worried about a sports tryout, don’t rescue them every time. It’s OK if they have to buy lunch that day or go to the tryout with butterflies! This helps kids by letting them experience very small difficulties and learn how to regulate around them.

As a parent, I know it feels hard not to immediately step in, but working with your children to develop these healthy coping skills will teach them how to deal with the regular worries and stresses of life and grow up to become healthy young adults.

Meghan Walls is a pediatric psychologist and the director of external affairs in Delaware Valley for Nemours Children’s Health, a member of the Delaware Early Childhood Council and co-chair of the Data and Policy Committee for the lieutenant Governor’s Behavioral Health Consortium.

This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Parents, stop trying to solve your kids’ problems. Their mental health depends on it.

Thinking about buying Truth Social stock? Trump's own filing offers these warnings.

Truth social going public is trump's latest attempt to raise money. i read the sec filing notes and found some warnings. maybe don't bet your 401(k) on this one..

You may have heard – because the news was everywhere last week – that Donald Trump is suddenly a few billion dollars richer on paper after his social media site Truth Social went public Tuesday.

And you may be tempted to get in on the action for the new stock that inspired plenty of initial – even irrational? – exuberance in the market.

But take caution here, for the former one-term president has a very long history of business and personal calamities, along with a future that portends even more misfortune.

Don't take my word for it.

That warning comes straight f rom two filings Truth Social submitted about Trump last month to the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission, the agency in charge of protecting investors, maintaining orderly markets and "facilitating capital formation."

Among the looming threats cited for the Republican nominee for president: He owes more than half a billion dollars in civil verdicts , has four pending criminal cases , has an extensive track record for businesses filing for bankruptcy protections and saw several entrepreneurial efforts totally flop.

Oh, and one SEC filing notes that Truth Social has such a limited reach with users that even Trump might migrate to another social media site like X, the hellscape formerly known as Twitter, to get a bigger audience.

Truth Social' s value "may d iminish if the popularity of President Donald Trump were to suffer," the SEC filing said.

A Pew Research Center poll released March 19 found 60% of Americans hold an unfavorable view of Trump.

Maybe don't bet your 401(k) on this one.

Truth Social's own numbers aren't great

Trump, who owns 60% of the company that now controls Truth Social , is obligated in his license agreement to make "any non-political" posts there and then wait six hours before posting anywhere else, according to a Feb. 14 SEC filing that said the site "has limited time to benefit from his posts and followers may not find it compelling to use Truth Social to read his posts that quickly ."

The company also said Trump has "sole discretion" to use any social media website for "politically-related" posts. And the company "may lack any meaningful remedy if President Trump minimizes his use of Truth Social."

I mean, you could say a thrice-married former real estate developer known for stiffing contractors for pay and dumping political allies in a fury has a reputation for just walking away.

Trump's money problem: Biden and Trump are both in a world of hurt. But Biden has the cash to fix his problems.

Truth Social notes that it "will need millions" of users "to register and regularly use" the site to be successful.

The company cited a 2021 Hill-HarrisX poll that found 54% of registered voters would not use Truth Social, while 30% said they would and 16% said maybe. No surprise here: Those results varied by political affiliation – 78% of Democrats and 58% of independents wanted no part of Truth Social, while 54% of Republicans wanted to log on.

Twitter, now X, had 215 million active monthly users when it went public in 2013, Axios noted Wednesday , while Truth Social had just 5 million active monthly users when it went public Tuesday. X this month said it has 550 million active monthly users (X did not disclose how many of them are scam-bots trying to sell you bogus cryptocurrency).

The business model for now is upside down , with Truth Social putting up $3.3 million in sales in the first nine months of 2023 and losses of $49 million.

The stock was a rollercoaster ride last week, opening Tuesday at $70.90 per share and surging to $79.38 before dropping to $61.96 when the Nasdaq closed on Thursday. (The market was closed for Good Friday.)

Trump's own business history works against him in Truth Social filing

Truth Social also spelled out for the SEC the long and weird history of Trump ventures gone wrong while asserting " there can be no assurances " that this company won't go the same route.

Remember Trump Shuttle, Inc.? That airline, the filing said, was launched by Trump in 1989, defaulted on loans a year later and "ceased to exist by 1992."

Trump University opened in 2005 but was dead in six years, with lawsuits that lingered into Trump's first run for president in 2016 and wrapped up in 2018 with a $25 million settlement from the guy then living in the White House.

Trump Vodka, produced by a company that licensed his name, lasted six years. Trump Mortgage and GoTrump.com, two businesses he started in 2006, were dead a year later. Trump Steaks didn't age well either, with a two-month run in 2007.

Americans want a religious president. They just don't see Trump or Biden that way.

Truth Social's SEC documents give us a history for Trump's six casino and hotel bankruptcy protection filings from 1991 to 2009 in Atlantic City and New York. There's also a breakdown in there of his many lawsuits, which references a 2016 USA TODAY compilation of those legal actions.

Trump sues people and gets sued so often that Truth Social told the SEC its warning " does not purport to be an exhaustive list " of those cases.

Then there are Trump's very real legal problems

Trump's more recent legal entanglements get a run-down as well.

There's the New York case going to trial next month on charges of paying a porn star hush money to keep talk of an affair quiet during the 2016 election, the Georgia case where he's accused of trying to overturn the 2020 election, the Florida federal case charging him with keeping and hiding confidential documents at Mar-a-Lago, and the federal case for his actions before and during the Capitol insurrection on Jan. 6, 2021.

"The death, incarceration, or incapacity of President Trump" could be bad for business , Truth Social said in the SEC filing, because he is "the subject of numerous legal proceedings, the scope and scale of which are unprecedented for a former President of the United States and current candidate for that office."

Trump is also on the hook for $88.3 million in two verdicts for defaming the writer E. Jean Carroll after she accused him of sexual assault and $454 million for operating a New York business rife with fraud.

Trump does enjoy one venue where nothing he says or does can be used against him: Truth Social.

The company told the SEC it can't kill Trump's licensing agreement for "personal or political conduct" even if it could hurt Truth Social's "reputation or brand or be considered offensive, dishonest, illegal, immoral, or unethical, or otherwise harmful."

That sounds like a deal tailor-made for a guy like Trump given his history. But does that make Truth Social a good bet for savvy stock market players? That's for you to decide.

Don't say you weren't warned.

Follow USA TODAY elections columnist Chris Brennan on X, formerly known as Twitter: @ByChrisBrennan

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What’s it like to wear the 3 Body Problem headset? We asked the cast

‘It’s a bit like being in this sort of isolation tank’

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A bearded man wears a highly reflective futuristic VR device that reflects the image of the character Jin in 3 Body Problem

The early days of 3 Body Problem ’s mystery are centered where so many of us find ourselves these days: a video game . This one is, as Jack (John Bradley) describes to Jin (Jess Hong) in the show, light-years ahead of what we know: a VR world where you can really taste, smell, and feel the world (and its many threats). As Hong describes it, those 3 Body game scenes felt “epic” to shoot, thanks to the production design of the world.

“The set design team partially built some of the sets. So you could just walk in and climb up to the second level of a castle and look out,” Hong told Polygon. “Everyone worked hard to try to create at least the atmosphere of what we would experience watching it back.”

All the more glamorous was the sleek, mirrored headset that the organization behind the game issues to players in the show . Behind the scenes, however…

“The visor felt less epic, because every time I put it on and off, it would pull my hair a little bit. It was constantly a: Oh my gosh! and then, Ouch! ” Hong laughs.

Still, the design — at least from afar — is immediately evocative and dramatic, glossy and reflective in a way that scans as totally alien. Liam Cunningham, who plays Wade, felt similarly, on all counts.

Wade (Liam Cunningham) reflected in the silver visor, which he’s holding in his hands

“It’s an absolute nightmare to film,” Cunningham says. “Because I swing it around, and I’ve got it all over the place — there was no way of keeping the camera out of the reflection.” As such, the VFX team had to step in fairly liberally to make sure the cameras — et al. — didn’t show up in the visor. But in his view, it was worth the effort: “It’s extraordinary. It’s beautiful to look at.”

No one had more to say on the usability of the headset than John Bradley, whose early episodes are marked with enough headset usage that he got the “really weird and really isolating” experience of sitting in it.

“You put it on while the camera guys are setting the shot up and while they’re sorting other lights, so you can be in that helmet for a good five, 10 minutes,” Bradley says. “And it’s a bit like being in this sort of isolation tank, where everybody’s sort of getting on with their own work.”

And the experience only gets weirder from there, as you sit “hemmed into this thing” where you can’t really see or hear anything around you: As Bradley experienced, eventually your brain tries to focus on something and lands on your own eyes.

“You just start to see your own eyeball, and you can’t focus on anything else. And it looks like you’re looking deep into your own soul,” Bradley says. “It’s a bit like sometimes when you’re lying in bed and you start to hear a clock tick and you can’t hear anything else.

“You start to see yourself the way the world sees you. And you don’t always like what you find.”

3 Body Problem is now streaming on Netflix.

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A massive storm wreaks havoc on the Unmoored World in Dragon’s Dogma 2

Dragon’s Dogma 2 guides, walkthroughs, and explainers

How to finish the Unmoored World endgame in Dragon’s Dogma 2

An image from Regal Cinemas’ official Twitter account purportedly showing an official Garfield Movie popcorn bucket, which looks like a big, brown leather recliner with a rendering of CG animated baby Garfield from the movie — essentially a limbless ball of orange fur with big cartoon eyes — sitting in the middle of it.

Who is subjecting us to these things, and why do they hate popcorn?

How to get high quality Pal oil in Palworld

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How to do Bellanoir raids in Palworld

A Palworld player stands in front of a large ore deposit.

How to get and farm ore in Palworld

Two Pals in Palworld: one is pink and cutesy and the other is darker with galaxy-like cloud fur.

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Why BlackRock’s C.E.O. Wants to Rethink Retirement

Larry Fink, who leads the world’s biggest asset manager, warns in his annual investor letter that an aging population will soon pose huge economic troubles.

By Andrew Ross Sorkin , Ravi Mattu , Bernhard Warner , Sarah Kessler , Michael J. de la Merced , Lauren Hirsch and Ephrat Livni

BlackRock’s chief wants to rethink a fiscal time bomb

As the chairman and C.E.O. of the asset management giant BlackRock, Larry Fink commands attention from companies and governments, helping spearhead movements like socially driven business and the need for companies to fight climate change.

In his latest letter to investors, published on Tuesday, Fink weighs in on a new topic: a looming global retirement crisis, and what can be done to address it.

The way retirement is handled around the world needs to change, Fink writes. Many countries will hit an aging tipping point within the next 20 years, according to his letter, but most people aren’t saving enough for when they stop working.

In the U.S. in particular, people are living longer, a trend that’s likely to grow given the advent of weight loss drugs like Wegovy, Fink writes. But he adds that four in 10 Americans don’t have $400 in emergency savings, let alone proper retirement funds.

“America needs an organized, high-level effort to ensure that future generations can live out their final years with dignity,” he writes, much as tech C.E.O.s and Washington banded together to shore up U.S. semiconductor manufacturing. Fink adds that he has a good vantage point for the problem, given that over half of BlackRock’s $10 trillion in assets are for retirement.

Fink said he wanted to kick off some hard conversations , and offered some initial suggestions:

Setting up retirement systems to cover all workers, even gig and part-time laborers, as 20 states have done;

Encouraging more employers to offer incentives like matching funds and making it easier to transfer 401(k) savings;

Creating systems that allow for 401(k)-like plans that provide pension-like predictable income streams, to reverse what Fink called a historical shift “from financial certainty to financial uncertainty.”

Fink also raises a politically fraught idea: raising the retirement age. The Social Security Administration has said that by 2034, it won’t be able to pay out full benefits, he notes:

No one should have to work longer than they want to. But I do think it’s a bit crazy that our anchor idea for the right retirement age — 65 years old — originates from the time of the Ottoman Empire.

Fink also defended climate-minded investing. His firm has become a target for conservatives for embracing the approach known as E.S.G. But the BlackRock chief said that the transition to green energy was inevitable. “It’s a mega force, a major economic trend being driven by nations representing 90 percent of the world’s G.D.P.,” he writes. (That said, he said he had stopped using the term “E.S.G.” because of its political toxicity.)

He is embracing what he calls “energy pragmatism.” That involves acknowledging the need for energy security, which for many countries will involve relying on hydrocarbons for years, along with cleaner energy sources. “Nobody will support decarbonization if it means giving up heating their home in the winter or cooling it in the summer,” he wrote. “Or if the cost of doing so is prohibitive.”

Fink added that BlackRock hasn’t advocated divesting from traditional energy companies, in part because some are investing in next-generation green tech like capturing carbon from the air.

HERE’S WHAT’S HAPPENING

The U.S. and Britain impose sanctions on elite Chinese hackers. The countries accused Beijing’s top spy agency of putting malware in key American infrastructure, including electrical grids and defense systems, and of stealing voting rolls for millions of British citizens. The moves represent an escalation of cyberconflict between Western powers and China.

Adam Neumann reportedly makes a formal bid for WeWork. The bankrupt co-working company’s former C.E.O. has offered more than $500 million to buy the business, according to The Wall Street Journal. It isn’t clear how Neumann will finance the proposal — Third Point, a hedge fund his lawyers had cited as a potential partner , isn’t involved — or whether WeWork’s management team will accept his approach.

A lawsuit by Elon Musk’s X against a research group is dismissed. A federal judge rejected claims that the Center for Countering Digital Hate , which published reports finding a rise in hate speech on the platform X since Musk took it over, had violated X’s terms of service. The lawsuit, the judge said, was “about punishing the defendants for their speech.”

The Francis Scott Key Bridge in Baltimore collapses. It was not immediately clear how many vehicles were on the bridge when a cargo ship rammed into the structure early on Tuesday. A White House official told Bloomberg that there was no indication of nefarious intent.

The Trump stock winners and losers

Meme-stock mania is back, and this time it has a political spin.

Investors and Donald Trump’s supporters are piling into Trump Media & Technology Group ahead of its first day of trading, extending a torrid rally that has bolstered the former president’s net worth on paper by roughly $4 billion .

Trump Media is the parent company of Trump’s social media platform, Truth Social. It closed its merger on Monday with a listed shell company, Digital World Acquisition Corp., creating a kind of proxy for investors to back a digital media business bearing his name as he runs for president.

“At some level, I’ve thought that many of the holders of D.W.A.C. viewed the stock as something akin to a call option on MAGA,” Steve Sosnick, the chief strategist at Interactive Brokers, told DealBook.

The rally has transformed Trump’s finances at a time when his business empire remains under threat from multiple legal troubles. The stock price of the loss-making company in its final day trading as D.W.A.C. spiked on Monday after a New York appeals court gave Trump a lifeline : It reduced the bond he needs to pay to protect his business interests while he appeals a civil fraud case to $175 million.

Trump has a big say in what happens next at Trump Media. He holds a class of shares that give him at least 55 percent voting power on some key board decisions. One question: Would Trump cash out — either to pay his legal bills, top up his campaign war chest or bank his return — once the lockup period expires in September? Or, would he lean on the board to waive the traditional six-month lockout period?

The board is filled with loyalists, including his elder son, Donald Trump Jr.; Devin Nunes, a Republican former representative of California; and Linda McMahon and Robert Lighthizer, who both served during the Trump administration.

Trump’s next move could move the market. He holds about 60 percent of Trump Media’s stock. Selling all or some of that stake could torpedo the stock, leaving its large band of retail investors on the hook.

Even if that gets regulators’ attention, pro-Trump shareholders may not care. “I can’t recall any company so driven by external political factors, certainly not in the U.S.,” Sosnick notes. “So even though allowing an early termination of the lockup would be counter to many shareholders’ financial best interests, they might not mind it anyway.”

Meanwhile, bets against Trump have soured. Traders who have shorted D.W.A.C.’s stock have racked up mark-to-market losses of about $96 million this year, Ihor Dusaniwsky, managing director of S3 Partners, a data firm, told DealBook. The recent rally, he said, “will definitely squeeze” them further.

“There’s no accountability on who has access to it and how it’s being used.”

— Emma Shortis, a senior researcher in international and security affairs at the Australia Institute, on SpaceX’s Starlink system. A Bloomberg investigation found a robust black market trade in service for the satellite internet system in countries where its use isn’t authorized.

What would fix Boeing?

Boeing finally buckled. Its C.E.O., Dave Calhoun, is planning to leave . The news came almost three months after a panel blew off a 737 Max jet and airlines, regulators and investors largely turned on the company.

But is a leadership shake-up enough to fix America’s aerospace leader after years of problems?

Boeing hopes that cleaning house will draw a line under the crisis. The company said on Monday that Calhoun — who took over in 2020 after a different safety crisis and vowed to fix the company — will be gone by the end of the year. The company chairman, Larry Kellner, will leave the board in May once his term expires, and its C.O.O., Stephanie Pope, will immediately replace Stan Deal, who is retiring, as head of the commercial airplane division.

Investors sent Boeing’s stock up on Tuesday, despite the company losing market share to a rival, Airbus, in recent years.

But its problems run deep. Lina Khan, the F.T.C. chair, wrote recently in Foreign Policy magazine that the decision to allow Boeing to become a “de facto national champion” by buying McDonnell Douglas in 1997 was “catastrophic.”

The deal slowed innovation, with R&D spending consistently below Airbus. Engineers came to be seen as “a cost, not an asset,” and too much work was outsourced or sent offshore. Boeing became too big to fail and vulnerable to foreign influence, she said.

Critics say fundamental changes are needed. Boeing demonstrates “the curse of bigness,” Tim Wu, a former antitrust official in the Biden administration now at Columbia Law School, told DealBook.

Boeing’s shortcomings are akin to the monopoly concerns in Big Tech and the telecoms sector, and regulators should consider a breakup, he added, pointing to the split of AT&T in 1984 as a precedent. “I wonder if Boeing would do it itself in light of its inefficiencies,” Wu said.

The U.S. is still highly reliant upon Boeing. More than a third of the company’s revenues comes from government contracts, Richard Loeb, an expert on government contracting law and a former government official, told DealBook. “They’re a sole-source supplier,” he said.

Such a deep relationship is problematic, with too much oversight ceded to the company over decades of deregulation.

What’s next? Pope was once seen as Calhoun’s heir apparent , but analysts now say that the company may need to look externally. General Electric , Calhoun’s onetime employer that’s gone through its own split, could be a model.

THE SPEED READ

The bankrupt crypto exchange FTX agreed to sell most of its stake in Anthropic , the artificial intelligence start-up, for $884 million to several buyers, including an Abu Dhabi investor. (WSJ)

The electric vehicle maker Fisker said talks for an investment from another manufacturer had ended, putting its future in doubt. Meanwhile, shares in a rival, Lucid , jumped after an affiliate of Saudi Arabia’s sovereign wealth fund agreed to another $1 billion investment. (Bloomberg)

Gov. Ron DeSantis of Florida signed into law a bill that would effectively bar some social media accounts for children under 14. (NYT)

“Russia has finally admitted Western sanctions are hitting its oil exports ” (Business Insider)

Best of the rest

Meta’s efforts to compete for artificial intelligence researchers reportedly include extending job offers without an interview and Mark Zuckerberg personally writing emails to employees of rivals. (The Information)

“Inside a C.E.O.’s Bold Claims About Her Hot Fintech Start-Up ” (NYT)

Federal agents raided homes tied to the hip-hop mogul Sean Combs , who faces lawsuits accusing him of sexual assault and sex trafficking. (NYT)

We’d like your feedback! Please email thoughts and suggestions to [email protected] .

Andrew Ross Sorkin is a columnist and the founder and editor at large of DealBook. He is a co-anchor of CNBC’s "Squawk Box" and the author of “Too Big to Fail.” He is also a co-creator of the Showtime drama series "Billions." More about Andrew Ross Sorkin

Ravi Mattu is the managing editor of DealBook, based in London. He joined The New York Times in 2022 from the Financial Times, where he held a number of senior roles in Hong Kong and London. More about Ravi Mattu

Bernhard Warner is a senior editor for DealBook, a newsletter from The Times, covering business trends, the economy and the markets. More about Bernhard Warner

Sarah Kessler is an editor for the DealBook newsletter and writes features on business and how workplaces are changing. More about Sarah Kessler

Michael de la Merced joined The Times as a reporter in 2006, covering Wall Street and finance. Among his main coverage areas are mergers and acquisitions, bankruptcies and the private equity industry. More about Michael J. de la Merced

Lauren Hirsch joined The Times from CNBC in 2020, covering deals and the biggest stories on Wall Street. More about Lauren Hirsch

Ephrat Livni reports from Washington on the intersection of business and policy for DealBook. Previously, she was a senior reporter at Quartz, covering law and politics, and has practiced law in the public and private sectors. More about Ephrat Livni

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Why they don't teach you how to do your taxes in school—and how to actually get started

Students in U.S. schools learn a variety of topics they may never use. But most of them aren't learning one skill they will almost certainly need later: how to do their taxes.

Personal finance education itself is catching on, but is still pretty sparse in American schools. Just 25 states guarantee a standalone personal finance course for students before graduation, according to Next Gen Personal Finance . And there are a number of reasons taxes may not be a part of the curriculum in those programs.

As part of its National Financial Literacy Month efforts, CNBC will be featuring stories throughout the month dedicated to helping people manage, grow and protect their money so they can truly live ambitiously.

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"I am a tax accountant and I spent five years of additional education after high school and an additional eight years in public accounting to understand taxes, and it still would be difficult for me to do my own taxes by hand," Abby Donnellan, a certified public accountant and senior tax strategist at Moneta, tells CNBC Make It.

Depending on your situation, the process itself may not be difficult, she says. But a number of variables can make it tricky to do your taxes yourself.

'Follow the instructions'

For someone with a straightforward income situation, filing your tax return is generally straightforward as well. But it can still be confusing.

Your employer will send you a W-2 or 1099 form showing how much money you earned and how much you already paid in taxes. Then, you need to fill out the appropriate Form 1040, which you can find on the Internal Revenue Service's website. The IRS also has guides to help you figure out which form you need .

From there, "follow the instructions," Donnellan says. "There are a lot of forms on the IRS [website] that can help you determine what your taxable [income] amount is. You're not having to pull tax rates and actually calculate that."

That calculation process is where things can get tricky, especially if you have a variety of income sources, Donnellan says. Ordinary income is taxed at what's known as the marginal tax rate, whereas other sources of income , such as capital gains from investments or profits from a side gig or sale of goods, are taxed differently.

"Because people don't have the background in tax law, some people don't know what ordinary income is," Donnellan says.

Your ordinary income is generally your salary and wages, but can also include earnings from things like rent you collect on an investment property or interest you earn on certain investments. Self-employment income is treated differently, though.

You'll also want to look for tax credits and deductions that can lower your tax liability. You can choose to take the standard deduction, which allows you to lower your taxable income by $13,850 for single filers or $27,700 for married couples filing jointly, or itemize your deductions to subtract things like student loan interest, retirement contributions and more.

Common credits include the Child Tax Credit for parents and guardians of qualifying dependents and the Earned Income Tax Credit for low to moderate-income earners.

This is another area that can be difficult if you don't have experience or knowledge of tax codes to make sure you're accounting accurately, which is one of the benefits of using a tax software or hiring a professional. A software or tax pro will know to ask if you fit the description for these and other credits and deductions.

"You'll get more back if you're using those," Donnellan says.

File for free

You can get free fillable forms from the IRS to do your taxes on your own, but the agency recommends exploring the free software options available first to ensure accuracy and, if applicable, get your refund faster.

The IRS has several free options available. Taxpayers with an adjusted gross income of $79,000 or less can file for free using a number of IRS Free File partners .

In 12 states this year, taxpayers earning less than $200,000 who don't have complicated tax situations will be able to use the new IRS Direct File program to do their taxes.

Additionally, the IRS has a long-standing Volunteer Income Tax Assistance program that provides free tax services for those who need it, including:

People earning $64,000 or less
Persons with disabilities
Limited English-speaking taxpayers

Mistakes can happen however you wind up doing your taxes. But taking advantage of resources like tax professionals and free software can help you avoid costly errors and get the refund you're due .

Want to make extra money outside of your day job? Sign up for CNBC's new online course How to Earn Passive Income Online to learn about common passive income streams, tips to get started and real-life success stories. Register today and save 50% with discount code EARLYBIRD.

Plus, sign up for CNBC Make It's newsletter to get tips and tricks for success at work, with money and in life.

IMAGES

Introduction to Problem Solving Skills
HOW TO DEAL WITH PROBLEMS
How to Deal With Problems: 15 Steps
How To Deal With Problems And Difficulties In Life?
How Do You Deal With Problems Personally and Professionally?
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How to Deal with Life most Common Problems
How To Get Rid of Your Problems

COMMENTS

Dealing With Your Problems: Tips and Tricks
You can set project goals (e.g. do this task and then this task, etc.) or time goals (work on this task for 4 hours). Taking manageable steps is important, because trying to tackle the problem all ...
How to Deal With Problems: 15 Steps
Aiming for balance in your life can help you more effectively deal with your problems. [20] Take short breaks during the day to take a walk or a run. This can distract your mind from your problems and may make you more able to deal with them. [21] Give yourself time alone or with the people you love.
How To Stop Running Away From Your Problems And Face Them With
Click here to find one now. 5. Build momentum. Despite what it sounds like, running away from your problems doesn't involve movement of any sort. In fact, it keeps you firmly fixed in place, even if you manage to find a way to temporarily escape the clutches of whatever it is you are running from.
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One solution to the self-imposed problem of no time, if this is a problem you're wrestling with, is to get better organized. When you create a schedule or routine, prioritize tasks, reach out ...
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Doing so can free up your time and empower your colleagues to make a bigger impact. Plus, most problems are easier to solve with a fresh perspective, making a handoff even more advantageous. 4 ...
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Create a comfortable space just to be and relax (like the patio) and spend some time there —not specifically to solve the problem du jour but to relax or even space out for a little while. Again ...
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How We Create Problems for Ourselves (And How to Stop) By Dr. Amy Johnson. "If you think you're enlightened, go spend a week with your family." ~Ram Dass. I just returned from a four-day trip with my family. It was my own family of four (my husband and two kids), plus my mom, my two sisters, and my brother-in-law. It was great.
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How can I improve my mental health on my own?
Here are some ways to get to know yourself better: Track your moods. Every day, or even multiple times a day, just write down how you're feeling. If you can identify what made you feel that way, write that down too. After a while, you'll be able to identify patterns. Maybe depression hits you harder on cloudy days… or maybe you get super ...
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Deal with your problems one step at a time. If a problem is too big to deal with all at once, try breaking it down into smaller, more manageable steps. If your problem seems to have no possible solution, you can still take action by drawing up a list, researching more about the subject, or seeking the advice of a trusted friend or loved one. ...
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2. Break the problem down. Identifying the problem allows you to see which steps need to be taken to solve it. First, break the problem down into achievable blocks. Then, use strategic planning to set a time frame in which to solve the problem and establish a timeline for the completion of each stage. 3.
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Say things like, "I felt hurt after out last conversation," or, "I get upset when you talk to me like that.". Make them feel in control by giving them choices or options, as well as doing things like coming up with what they think is a fair solution to the problem. 5. Talk it out.
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Problem-solving is a mental process that involves discovering, analyzing, and solving problems. The ultimate goal of problem-solving is to overcome obstacles and find a solution that best resolves the issue. The best strategy for solving a problem depends largely on the unique situation. In some cases, people are better off learning everything ...
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If you can learn to enjoy your problems, that's enlightenment. Regardless of whether other people get your problems, you have to get them. Try to accept your life, absurd as it may be, and find some joy in it. Don't judge yourself. It's one thing to have problems, it's another to blame yourself for having them.
11 Anger Management Strategies to Calm You Down Fast
Walking away from a triggering situation can be an excellent way to take control of your anger. When a conversation gets heated, take a break. Leave a meeting if you think you're going to explode. Go for a walk if your kids upset you. A time-out can be key to helping you calm your brain and your body.
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Problems and how they are handled have short-term and long-term consequences. Be aware of both. Consider a strategy, not a battle plan. Face the problem. Plan a specific time for a conversation to ...
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Be mindful of your thoughts. Your thoughts DO have power. The more you can focus on the positive outcomes, the more likely you will allow your actions and behaviors to be positive. For instance, let's say you start a new job and it's your first week. The processes are new, challenging and very overwhelming.
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Work on Your Interpersonal Skills. Studies have found that improving your interpersonal skills can help stop you from overthinking since these skills have a large effect on this particular habit. Ways to develop stronger interpersonal skills include: Increasing your self-awareness. Boosting your self-confidence.
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Here's how to get out of that rut and move on: 1. Acceptance. Be angry and upset for a few moments if you need to, but then let it go. Fast. What's done is done. You can't change it. It's really that simple. One of the best things we can do in life for our own wellbeing is understand what we can't control.
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