how to fix the problems in a relationship

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How to Fix a Relationship

Last Updated: February 16, 2024 Approved

This article was co-authored by Allen Wagner, MFT, MA and by wikiHow staff writer, Janice Tieperman . Allen Wagner is a licensed marriage and family therapist based in Los Angeles, California. He received his Master's in Psychology from Pepperdine University in 2004. He specializes in working with individuals and couples on ways they can improve their relationships. Along with his wife, Talia Wagner, he's the author of Married Roommates. There are 12 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page. wikiHow marks an article as reader-approved once it receives enough positive feedback. In this case, several readers have written to tell us that this article was helpful to them, earning it our reader-approved status. This article has been viewed 765,812 times.

If you’ve hit a rough patch in your relationship, you’re in good company. For better or for worse, most relationships come with high and low points. Don’t worry. We’ve put together some psychologist-backed tips and tricks that will help you connect and communicate with your partner in a healthy, productive way.

Expressing Yourself

• You might say, “Lately, I feel like our relationship isn’t a priority for you. I’m not trying to point any fingers, but I just want to be honest with you.”
• Good communication isn’t always about being “right.” Be prepared to compromise as you talk things out with your partner.
• Reader Poll: We asked 357 wikiHow readers who've struggled to find independence in their relationship, and 62% of them agreed the biggest hurdle was meeting their own emotional needs. [Take Poll]

Listening to Your Partner

• Restating, reflecting, and summarizing are great ways to be an active listener. You might say something like, “Let me make sure I’m on the same page…” “It sounds like…” or “I can tell that you’ve been thinking about this a lot.” [4] X Research source

Household Responsibilities

• Instead of saying “I don’t get why you’re so upset about this,” you might say, “I’m sorry you’ve felt this way. I didn’t mean to leave all the trash and recycling to you last night.”

Intimacy Issues

• If you have an anxious or avoidant attachment style, focus on building your self-esteem and putting yourself out there with your partner.

• For example, if you tended to pick fights with your parents as a child, you might pick fights with your partner without realizing it.

• For instance, if your partner tends to leave their dirty laundry on the floor, say something like, “I don’t want to start a fight, but I’ve noticed that you don’t seem to listen or care when I remind you to put your laundry away. Is there a way we could compromise on this?”

Daily Conflicts

• For instance, if your partner forgets to do the dishes, suggest making a chore chart instead of criticizing them for forgetting.
• If your partner is in a bad mood, ask “What’s on your mind?” instead of saying “What are you pissed about?”

Emotional Connection

• You might ask a simple, open-ended question, like “If a crystal ball could tell you an absolute truth about your past, present, or future, what would you ask?”

Chloe Carmichael, PhD

Noticing romantic neglect can be the first step to improve a relationship. Noticing when the romance in your relationshiop is feeling depleted is a wake-up call not to be dismissed. Rather than ignoring it, use that awareness as a catalyst to proactively revive the connection. Share your observations gently and ask what's missing and how to fill the gaps. Keep it real.

Time Spent Together

• For instance, you might go to the movies one weekend if you usually spend the night in.
• You might try out a new restaurant instead of eating dinner at home.

Busy Schedules

• For instance, you might sign up for a cooking or dance class together, or take a daily walk around the neighborhood.
• You could have a heartfelt conversation each morning over a cup of coffee.

Lack of Affection

• You might pat your partner on the shoulder if they’ve had a rough day, or offer to give them a hug.
• If touch isn’t a big part of your relationship, talk to your partner about it! An open conversation might help you pinpoint some issues in the relationship.

• You might thank your partner for making the bed that morning, or for picking up some extra ingredients at the grocery store.

Money Issues

• For instance, you might be in charge of grocery shopping for one month, while your partner manages your savings. Then, you can switch roles the following month.

• If you don’t feel like seeing a therapist, reach out to another trustworthy third party, like a religious leader or close friend.

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• ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/relationship-help.htm
• ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/9-steps-to-better-communication-today
• ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/close-encounters/201704/10-tips-solving-relationship-conflicts
• ↑ https://psychcentral.com/lib/become-a-better-listener-active-listening
• ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/tech-support/201410/6-steps-repairing-your-relationship
• ↑ https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/which-of-these-four-attachment-styles-is-yours/
• ↑ https://psychcentral.com/lib/how-to-change-your-attachment-style
• ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/compassion-matters/201301/6-ways-you-can-fix-your-relationship-your-own
• ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fixing-families/201208/relationship-repair-10-tips-thinking-therapist
• ↑ https://www.psychalive.org/how-to-fix-a-relationship/
• ↑ https://www.apa.org/topics/money/conflict
• ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/infidelity/art-20048424

About This Article

To fix a relationship, talk to your partner whenever something is bothering you, even if it's small, so you're not bottling up your feelings. Although it's not always easy, try your best to stay calm when you talk to them about how you feel, and avoid blaming them or bringing up the past. Once you've been honest with each other, focus on reconnecting with your partner by making time for them every day, going on regular dates again, and being affectionate. For tips from our reviewer on how to overcome relationship hurdles, read on! Did this summary help you? Yes No

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The 13+ Most Common Relationship Problems (and How to Fix Them)

Last Updated: November 29, 2021 References

This article was co-authored by Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC and by wikiHow staff writer, Hannah Madden . Dr. Tara Vossenkemper is a Licensed Professional Counselor and the Founder and Managing Director of The Counseling Hub, LLC, a group counseling practice located in Columbia, Missouri. She is also the Founder of and a Business Consultant with Tara Vossenkemper Consulting, LLC, a consulting service for therapy practice owners. With over nine years of experience, she specializes in using the Gottman Method of relationship therapy with couples on the brink of divorce, who have conflict, or who feel disconnected from one another. Dr. Vossenkemper holds a BA in Psychology from The University of Missouri, Saint Louis, an MA in Counseling from Missouri Baptist University, and a PhD in Counselor Education and Supervision from The University of Missouri, Saint Louis. She has also completed Level 3 training in the Gottman Method Couples Therapy approach and has been formally trained in both the Prepare-Enrich Premarital Couples Counseling approach and the PREP Approach for couples counseling. There are 13 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page. This article has been viewed 1,704 times.

Every couple experiences issues from time to time, and your relationship is probably no exception. Figuring out where relationship problems come from can help you work through them together, and it can also help reassure you that what you and your partner are going through is normal. In this article, we’ve compiled 13 of the most common relationship problems for you to read and reflect upon, as well as some helpful advice for improving your relationship and maintaining a long, healthy partnership.

• For instance, when you and your partner argue about doing the dishes, is it really about the dishes? Or is it more about your partner not respecting your shared living space?
• Or, when you accuse your partner of not taking you out enough, is it really that you like going on fancy dates, or do you want your partner to pay more attention to you?

Poor Communication

• How you say things matters just as much as what you say. If, for instance, you’re talking to your partner about a problem, you might say, “When you leave for the night and don’t tell me, I feel worried,” instead of, “You always leave without telling me where you’re going.”
• Communication is tough, but the more you practice it, the better you’ll get.

• Forgiving your partner for cheating might feel impossible in the moment, but you can do it eventually if you both work hard on reinstating the trust in your relationship.

Seeking Validation

• Feeling insecure about your relationship is fairly common, and it’s something all of us will feel at some point. However, getting that security is a wonderful thing, and feeling like you and your partner are healthy and stable can make you both much happier.
• If your partner is the insecure one in the relationship, try to reassure them as much as possible, but encourage them to talk to a mental health professional, too. They may need to address some underlying issues before they can have a healthy relationship with you.

Lack of Appreciation

• For instance, you might say, “Hey, could we talk? I wanted to mention that I’m feeling a little taken for granted in our relationship. Can you make an effort to show that you appreciate all that I do for us?”

• Jealousy can be tough to work out as a couple. If you need to, consider visiting a couple’s counselor for an outside opinion.
• Keep in mind that sometimes we feel jealous for good reason. If your partner is doing things that make you uncomfortable, sit down with them and define the boundaries of your relationship again.

• For instance, you might say, “I need a little bit of romance to turn me on. Maybe start out by giving me a massage or cooking me dinner first.”
• Sex can feel like a taboo subject, but talking about it can seriously improve you and your partners’ relationship.

• Budgeting can be a very helpful tool to minimize money issues. Try sitting down with your partner and making a plan to set aside a certain amount each month.

Passive-Aggressiveness

• You can bring up any issues by saying something like, “Honey, I’ve been thinking a lot about what happened the other day and I can’t stop ruminating on it. Could we sit down and have a conversation?”
• On the flip side, maybe your partner is the one being passive-aggressive. In that case, you can sit them down and say something like, “I can tell that you’re upset about something, and I really want to talk about it. Can you help me figure out how we can make this right?”

• You can start the conversation by saying something like, “Could we have a discussion about chores? I’d like to nail down who does what around the house every week. That way, we don’t have to argue about stuff not getting done.”

Feeling Ignored

• For example, you might say, “How about during dinner, we leave our phones in the living room? I think it would be fun to take a break from technology once a day and have a nice conversation instead.”

Extended Family Relationships

• For instance, if your partner’s parents always overstay their welcome, you might say something like, “This year, let's arrange for your parents to stay for only one week instead of two. I love their company, but I can’t handle houseguests for that long.”

Substance Use and Abuse

• You might say something like, “Honey, I’m a little worried about your drinking habits lately. It seems like you’re spending more and more time at the bar. Is everything okay?”

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• ↑ Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC. Licensed Professional Counselor. Expert Interview. 27 October 2021.
• ↑ https://ideas.ted.com/most-couples-need-to-be-fighting-more-not-less-heres-why-and-how-to-do-it/
• ↑ https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/healthyliving/relationships-and-communication
• ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4012696/
• ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/infidelity/art-20048424
• ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201401/the-9-most-common-relationship-mistakes
• ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5380380/
• ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/insight-is-2020/201303/how-couples-can-cope-different-libidos-sexual-desire
• ↑ https://www.apa.org/topics/money/conflict
• ↑ https://ideas.ted.com/how-to-split-the-chores-with-your-partner-minus-the-drama-and-fighting/
• ↑ https://www.psychologicalscience.org/news/releases/how-smartphones-affect-relationships.html
• ↑ https://www.aarp.org/home-family/friends-family/info-2021/getting-along-with-in-laws.html
• ↑ https://www.aamft.org/Consumer_Updates/Substance_Abuse_and_Intimate_Relationships.aspx

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How To Deal With Unresolved Issues In A Relationship: 16 Effective Tips

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Problems can’t be swept under the rug forever. At some point, they will come out and create a mess that will be hard to clean up.

Unresolved issues in a relationship could turn your fights over trivial things into arguments about something else you’ve been ignoring.

Suppose you find yourself constantly having the same fight over and over again or resenting each other for something that happened before. In that case, you likely have unresolved issues that need to be addressed.

Keep reading for some steps to deal with unresolved problems in your relationship.

1. Know that your feelings are valid.

Are you denying yourself the right to feel angry at your partner or upset about something they do? Or something they have done before?

To deal with the problems in your relationship, start by allowing yourself to feel those emotions. Don’t think that you shouldn’t feel the way you do.

Whatever you feel is okay, and you probably have justified reasons for the way you feel. If you try to bottle up your feelings instead, they will eventually spill out.

You don’t want to end up resenting your partner because you were too afraid to speak up about what’s bothering you. After all, that’s how unresolved problems stay unresolved.

You have to talk about your feelings with your partner. Start by acknowledging and validating them. You have the right to feel whatever you’re feeling, and your partner should be aware of it. Acknowledging your feelings is necessary if the issues that are causing those feelings are to go away.

2. Keep in mind that all relationships have problems.

You shouldn’t feel so bad about having problems in your relationship.

After all, all relationships experience difficulties. You and your partner shouldn’t beat yourselves up about not being able to have a “perfect relationship.” You are not perfect, and your relationship can’t be perfect either. The problems you’re experiencing aren’t a negative reflection of you; they are just something you have to work through together.

As long as you’re both willing to work on it, anything can be improved or at least managed.

In fact, it’s essential to understand that some things have to be managed and can’t be fully resolved. Don’t put pressure on yourself and your partner if you’re dealing with an unsolvable problem. Learn to accept what you cannot change and find ways to cope with it if it’s not a deal breaker.

Sometimes, there are things that you have to learn to live with if you want to continue a relationship. It’s not the end of the world if a problem persists. As already mentioned, no relationship is without flaws.

If you care about your partner and you can’t seem to fix the issue, it might be time to set new and reasonable expectations.

3. Remember that conflict is normal.

There are conflicts in all relationships from time to time. The important thing to remember is that they are rarely the fault of only one person. Try not to play the blame game and accept that you’ve both played a part in creating the problem instead.

Accept that you have different points of view and try to see things from your partner’s perspective. It’s helpful to have a proactive problem-solving attitude when it comes to conflicts. Instead of shutting down, criticizing your partner, or trying to prove them wrong, seek to make progress.

Try to be calm during conflicts because an argument shouldn’t include yelling and name-calling . If you change your attitude towards conflicts and improve how you fight, it will be easier to resolve issues.

It’s always helpful to limit accusations and aggressive attitudes. Just remember that being assertive in an argument is not the same as being aggressive.

Communicating well is a necessary part of resolving any issues, and it includes proper communication even while you’re upset or angry at each other. Try to look at conflicts as a means to an end. You are not fighting to prove a point or prove your partner wrong. You’re fighting to solve a problem.

4. Remind yourself of all the reasons why you care about your partner.

The unresolved problems in your relationship are probably bothering you. They make you feel negatively toward your partner and the relationship.

To counter these feelings, try to outweigh the negative with the positive.

Think about why you care about your partner before addressing the issue. This will help keep you calm and focused on finding solutions during conflicts. If you want to stay with your partner and save the relationship, you want to have positive feelings to motivate you.

If something has been bothering you for a while now, you might be harboring negative emotions that make you see your partner differently. So, remember why you fell in love with them in the first place and recall their good qualities.

Even if you have many problems in your relationship, if you care about each other enough, you’ll find a way to make it work.

Remind yourself why your partner is worth the trouble before you embark on a journey to solve your problems. Understand that it might take time before things are the way you’d want them to be. You don’t want to harbor negative feelings toward your partner during the time it takes to fix things.

Focus on your partner’s positive traits. Focus on everything that you love about them. It will give you the strength to fight for the relationship and the ability to remain calm enough to discuss the problems with them.

5. Identify the issues in your relationship.

So, there are problems, but are you sure you know what they are?

Are your fights really about the topic you’re fighting about? Or are they about something else that you’re trying to ignore?

Maybe you’re still upset about something that happened before. Perhaps you’re not quite sure what the problem is exactly.

Take some time to identify the issues in your relationship. It might help to talk to someone you trust about them. You could also talk to a therapist who could help you get to the root of the problem.

Maybe there is something that you thought you’d forgiven your partner for, but you’re actually still upset about it. Perhaps you are not even aware of the underlying issue that you’re upset about.

For instance, maybe you think you’re upset because your partner spends a lot of money, but you’re really upset about not being involved in financial decisions. Maybe your partner cheated on you, and you tried to forgive them, but you are still bitter about it.

Whatever the problem is in your relationship, you should spend some time thinking about it. Always try to dig deeper.

What’s on the surface might not be the real issue you’re dealing with, and you can’t fix it if you don’t know what it is exactly.

6. Consider whether the issues are deal breakers.

Not all problems are created equal. Some problems can be lived with. Others ought to spell the end of your relationship.

Ask yourself: can you live with the unresolved issues in your relationship if they happen to stay unresolved? Or are there deal breakers that you’re not willing to settle for?

Be honest with yourself and clear about what you can and can’t tolerate. If you can live with the problems in your relationship, focus on finding ways to thrive in it despite them.

If you have tried fixing them and can’t live with them, you should consider ending the relationship. Not everything can be repaired, and sometimes that’s an uncomfortable realization.

Can you stay with your partner if things don’t change? Have you tried changing them?

Keep in mind that you should be realistic when considering this. Don’t expect things to be perfect with your next partner.

If there are actual deal breakers, it might be best to end things. But if you want to end things because you’re hoping for a perfect relationship with no issues, think about it some more. There will always be problems in any relationship. It’s just a question of which you can tolerate or fix and which you can’t.

7. Consider whether there’s a bright side to it all.

Problems are inherently bad, but there’s usually a bright side. Look at things from a different perspective to see if there’s something positive in all that mess.

For instance, if you hate that you can’t count on your partner, remind yourself how much you love their spontaneity and independence. If the problem is that the relationship has gotten boring, keep in mind that it is also safe and comforting to know you can depend on someone.

Try to look at your specific problem this way, and you might discover that the issue is not as serious as it seems.

When you look at things from a negative perspective, they can feel very overwhelming. Try to maintain a positive attitude and look at things from both sides. Everything usually has upsides and downsides. If you can’t fix the problem it will be helpful to know how to make it work for you and take advantage of its bright side.

8. Don’t assume that your partner doesn’t care about you.

When you’re upset because of the problems in your relationship, you could start thinking that your partner doesn’t care about you. But do you have any evidence to support that theory, or is it clear that your partner cares about you?

Your relationship can survive the problems you’re experiencing if you both want to make it work. Don’t start thinking that the relationship is doomed. Negative thoughts like these can make you see the bad in everything.

If you want to stay in your relationship, always try to have a positive attitude. Having a positive attitude towards problems can help you realize that they’re not as big as they seem.

Having a positive attitude will help you work on the issues in your relationship and communicate with your partner more efficiently – even during arguments. The worst thing that could happen if you try this approach is that you’ll be a happier person. Try to see the good in everything.

Unless you have proof that your partner doesn’t care about you, don’t assume it just because you’re struggling with an issue in your relationship. If you believe your relationship is doomed, it probably will be at some point in the future. So try not to make problems more significant than they already are.

9. Don’t be afraid to speak up and share your thoughts.

The reason the problems you’re experiencing are left unattended may be because you’re scared to speak up about them.

Maybe you are too worried that your partner will get mad at you, or you think that they’ll shut down. Perhaps you’re assuming they’ll say that you’re overreacting or that you’re making a fuss over nothing.

If you can’t talk to your partner about the problems in your relationship, that’s just another problem that’s preventing you from resolving the rest of them.

Don’t be afraid to speak up and tell your partner what’s on your mind. Take some time to think about what you will say before talking to them, especially if you’re worried that you’ll say something wrong.

However, try not to be afraid to speak your mind around them. A relationship where you can’t be honest or discuss problems isn’t a healthy one.

Maybe this is the issue you should address first. You should feel comfortable enough around your partner to speak up about what’s bothering you, so find the courage to do that. You can’t say anything wrong around someone who loves you enough to listen to the entire story.

10. Communicate about the unresolved issues.

You can’t keep postponing the conversation that you need to have with your partner. Talk to them about the problems in your relationship and try to find a way to solve them together.

If you can’t talk about the issue, there is no way you could fix it. Open up to them and have a heart-to-heart conversation about what’s been bothering you. Help your partner see things from your point of view and consider their perspective too. Don’t point fingers or turn the conversation into a big fight. By remaining calm and assertive, it will be easier to get the message across.

You want to fix the problems in your relationship, not create new ones, and your partner should understand that. Try to be empathetic and listen to your partner’s side of the story without criticizing or blaming them. Let them open up to you and share their thoughts and feelings about the issues too.

If you’re having trouble communicating efficiently, seek the help of a relationship counselor and improve your communication skills. Don’t forget that you need to talk about the problems if you want to fix them.

11. Be prepared to forgive, negotiate, and compromise.

Some problems can be resolved simply by forgiving each other for the mistakes you’ve made so far. Be prepared and willing to let go of any resentment and truly forgive your partner, even if they have hurt you a lot. You will also need to be prepared to negotiate and make compromises.

Things might not work out exactly the way you’ve imagined, but things could get better. If your partner shows that they are willing to work on the relationship and meet you halfway, accept that. It might not resolve the issue, but it could make it easier to tolerate it. As long as they address your concerns to some extent, you will be on the right track, and that would be enough for now.

You can’t expect things to change overnight. Working on a relationship takes time, and it’s all about the small steps. You’ll get there as long as you’re looking in the same direction and walking side by side. Don’t insist that the problem be fixed immediately or expect it to happen.

Try to find happiness if you’re making progress and if your partner is willing to do something about it. Progress alone might not be enough in the long run, but it’s a huge step forward for now.

12. Work on your friendship.

To be great partners to each other, you also need to be good friends.

Work on building your friendship. Engage in fun activities together, discover shared interests, share a hobby, and go on regular dates. There are lots of fun ideas for quality time together – both inside and outside the home. And using them will help you work on the problems in your relationship.

Don’t only be romantic partners – be a team, be best friends, and work on improving your love life together. Start talking more and opening up to each other if you’ve been having trouble with that.

Most importantly, laugh more and remind yourselves of all the reasons why you enjoy each other’s company. Make each other feel loved, appreciated, and cherished.

If you can be friends and work as a team, you can do anything, including resolving your issues. So, work on deepening the bond, strengthening the connection, and truly becoming good friends that enjoy being around each other.

13. Don’t sweep problems under the rug.

Problems don’t go away when you choose to ignore them and sweep them under the rug. Start addressing issues in your relationship as soon as they appear. The sooner you fix them, the better.

What’s the point in postponing it until the problem gets bigger and more difficult to manage?

The most important part of all of this is being friends, talking about issues calmly, and working on them together. When you fight, don’t spend days not talking to each other or pouting. Have a grown-up discussion about your problems as soon as you can calmly talk about them.

If your relationship is going to last, you’ll need to figure out which issues need managing and which need resolving. Look at this as a training period for what’s yet to come.

The fact that there’ll always be some problems shouldn’t scare you; that’s just life. If you have the right attitude and effective communication in your relationship, you can overcome it all together.

14. Find ways to work on the problem together.

Remind yourself that both of you took part in creating the problem. Therefore, it’s your joint responsibility to solve it. It takes two to tango, so accept that the current state of your relationship is not only one partner’s fault. Accept your part of the blame instead of blaming your partner for everything. This is the first step to resolving the problem together.

Your partner needs to be willing to find a way to make things work. After all, you can’t fix your relationship without them. Both of you need to put an equal amount of effort into making your relationship as happy and healthy as it can be. Encourage your partner to accept their part of the blame too.

You can set a positive example with your behavior. If your partner makes progress, acknowledge it and praise them for it. Don’t forget – you’re in this together.

15. Accept your differences but work on improving yourselves.

Not all problems have a solution; you might have to accept that you and your partner have your differences. You won’t always see eye to eye, and that’s normal. Again, some problems can’t be fixed, but if you can live with them, it’s worth trying to make it work with your partner.

Relationships aren’t always smooth sailing, and no one is a saint. Sometimes you just have to agree to disagree and move past it. If you can’t find a way to fix something, you might find a way to accept it.

Maybe you’ll need to forgive your partner for something they did, or you’ll accept the bad with the good. Whatever the case may be, if you care about your partner and they feel the same way about you, don’t give up on the relationship because there are some difficulties.

Learn to be happy despite the difficulties. You can do that by putting effort into making each other happy. Work on improving yourself and your relationship because happy couples grow together in their relationships .

16. Talk to a relationship expert.

Ultimately, the most effective way to resolve issues in your relationship depends on the problem and your specific situation. Talking to someone about it might be the best idea.

A relationship counselor could give you tailored advice based on your specific circumstances. You can speak to one with or without your partner. It might be best to try out a session on your own and include your partner after the counselor is familiar with the issue.

By all means, seek the help of your loved ones as well. However, know that an experienced professional might be more objective and give you better insights into the problem.

When you want to improve your relationship, you should use all the help you can get, and there’s no shame in talking to a counselor.

If this is something you feel is right for you, speak to one of the relationships experts at Relationship Hero . You can connect with them via video, phone, or instant message to get the help and advice you need.

Click here to learn more or to talk to someone right now.

You may also like:

• How To Deal With Resentment In Your Relationship: 12 No Nonsense Tips
• Bringing Up The Past In Arguments: Dealing With It + How To Stop Doing It
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Understanding what needs repair in your romantic and platonic relationships

How to fix a relationship: laying the foundation for repair, tools for lasting change across relationships, reaching harmony in your romantic relationships, you don't have to learn how to fix a relationship alone.

Want to live a long, healthy, and happy life? Prioritize your relationships. A lack of social connections has negative physical and mental health consequences. Yet we all know it’s hard to make friends as an adult , let alone repair relationships on the rocks.

So, what do you do when your relationships are struggling? It helps to start by analyzing your relationship as well as yourself. Keep reading to learn how to fix a relationship using self-reflection, boundaries, and coach-led personal growth .

You can’t begin to heal your relationships until you identify what needs repair. This includes identifying relationship red flags and their root causes. Looking inward and practicing relational mindfulness are also necessary, as relationships are influenced by both parties, not just one.

Relationship red flags

It isn’t always easy to know if you’re in a toxic relationship, but your gut might tell you something is off. Analyze your relationships and role in them, then look for common red flags.

1. You don't trust them

Does your best friend or partner fail to follow through on promises or repeatedly disappoint you? Do you feel like they take advantage of your relationship? If so, chances are they’ve done things to damage your trust . 

For example, say your friend promises to submit your resume to the hiring manager at their workplace but doesn’t follow through. Granted, sometimes people can’t follow through on promises for legitimate reasons. But repeatedly feeling let down can damage trust, which might mean it’s better to let go of that individual .

2. You adopt toxic behaviors when you're with them

Consider whether your relationship brings out your best qualities or your worst. When a friend exhibits toxic traits , they tend to spread those traits to those close to them. 

If you don’t feel like your best self when you spend time together, chances are you’re inadvertently picking up on their toxicity. You might find a toxic relationship brings out the following qualities in you:

• Impulsiveness
• Argumentativeness
• Selfishness
• Passive-aggressiveness

You may also experience increased fear due to a toxic relationship. Feeling as if you’re walking on eggshells when your friend or partner is around is another sign of a toxic relationship.

3. You're embarrassed to hang out with them in public

Does your friend or partner say or do things that make you uncomfortable? This may be an indication that your values don’t align.

This can look like the following:

• Exhibiting microaggressions toward others
• Making fun of mutual acquaintances
• Embarrassing you with comments or actions

4. You feel taken advantage of

Good relationships are reciprocal and involve both parties putting in equal effort. Even when your friend or partner can’t reciprocate, it’s important you know they ultimately have good intentions.

For example, a good friend won’t vent to you and then tune you out when you need their support. Instead, they’re available to listen and validate you when needed.

5. You second-guess yourself

Good relationships build confidence based on open communication. If hanging out with your BFF leaves you questioning yourself or engaging in negative self-talk , it might be time to move on from the relationship.

This can show up in ways like these:

• Gaslighting you so you question reality
• Criticizing you
• Turning your failures against you
• Making fun of you

Similarly, a good friend isn’t afraid to tell it like it is in a way that doesn’t make you feel bad about yourself. Brené Brown, author of “Dare to Lead,” writes that telling others what they want to hear or softening the truth isn’t kindness . Instead, it’s usually more about making ourselves feel comfortable rather than helping the other person.

When it comes down to it, a genuine and straightforward approach to sharing feedback is a hallmark of a meaningful and supportive friendship. 

Understanding the root causes of broken relationships 

If you find yourself reacting with some of these red flags, you may wonder why this relationship causes you to behave this way. Look inward to understand the root causes and begin to heal them. A healthy sense of self-awareness helps you see the effect you have on those around you and allows you to strengthen relationships.

Trauma and past experiences can cause you to develop adaptive behaviors to protect yourself from further hurt. This can range from a reluctance to trust others to emotional unavailability. 

Such past hurts and resulting insecurities can lead to insecure attachments or relationships where you fear abandonment. This may cause you to feel jealous or try to control others.

If this sounds familiar, don’t shame yourself. The habits you developed from past experiences were intended to protect you at that moment. A more positive approach focuses on developing self-acceptance and healing trauma .

Communication gaps

Strong relationships revolve around open communication . This means both individuals feel safe sharing their needs, concerns, and issues. 

Healthy communication also considers your responses to your partner or friend. Do you validate and accept their experience , needs, and requests? 

How you respond can make or break a relationship, so leave space for others to express themselves without getting defensive, refocusing the conversation on yourself, or invalidating them.

Unmet needs

We all have needs, which is a natural part of being human. But if your relationships don’t leave you feeling fulfilled and appreciated, you might start withdrawing or putting less effort into them.

It’s also important to assess whether it’s appropriate to rely on a relationship to meet certain needs. For example, if you constantly seek validation from your friends, you may need to address the larger problem: low self-esteem . Feeling self-conscious can also lead to toxic relationship behaviors like over-competitiveness and defensiveness.

Communicate openly and honestly 

There’s no room for lies in a good relationship, even lies by omission.

We may believe we’re protecting someone by hiding the truth from them , but this robs the other person of something that could deeply impact their life, writes clinical psychologist Dr. Nicole LePera. More often than not, we leave out the truth to protect ourselves and not our partner or friend.

Consider why you’re reluctant to communicate. Is it due to fear of how they’ll react? If you feel this way, consider whether you’re making assumptions about how they’ll respond to you instead of basing your fear on reality.

Don’t mistake honest communication for being overly critical. Open communication doesn’t attack the other person or their character but focuses instead on actions or behaviors. On the other hand, criticisms typically use these phrases like these:

• “You always …
• Why do you …
• Why don’t you … ”

Starting a conversation with one of these phrases puts the other person on the defensive, writes Kendra Han, the director of couples services at The Gottman Institute. 

Own your mistakes and apologize sincerely

If your idea of conflict resolution doesn’t involve an apology, you might want to rethink your strategy. True conflict resolution requires owning our mistakes and making sincere apologies. Even if we reach common ground with the other person, accepting responsibility and apologizing goes a long way toward rebuilding trust.

Some people may not fully consider how to make a sincere apology . They’re afraid to show vulnerability or are ashamed of the behavior they need to apologize for. They may give you a non-apology, which sounds like “I’m sorry you feel that way,” or they avoid apologizing altogether.

The thing is, avoiding apologies can destroy relationships. To begin healing, you need to show vulnerability and be brave enough to engage in difficult conversations , writes LePera.

Practice forgiveness

Even if you decide to end a toxic relationship rather than repair it, forgiveness is an essential step toward healing. When we refuse to or simply can’t forgive, we continue to experience resentment, anger, despair, sorrow, and confusion. 

These emotions can negatively impact our health, not to mention our relationships. A recent study by Everett Worthington, Ph.D., a Department of Psychology professor at Virginia Commonwealth University, found that practicing forgiveness leads to better mental health and improved well-being. 

Forgiveness allows you to reset a relationship and start fresh. 

Rebuild trust and connection

A damaged relationship isn’t always doomed. But rebuilding trust and connection requires both internal and external work and effort by both parties.

Spend quality time together

Our lives can be demanding, and between work, taking care of kids, and household chores, we can start to feel distant from our partners and friends. If you crave closeness and communication, consider scheduling quality time.

Quality time is one of the five love languages Dr. Gary Chapman discusses in his book, “The 5 Love Languages.” While the book focuses on romantic relationships, quality time is important for friendships, too. 

When you engage in quality time, you give the other person your undivided attention. This doesn’t mean you need to sit face-to-face and make constant eye contact. Quality time can involve sharing an activity as well.

Chapman notes that, no matter how people spend time together, the most important thing is focusing on each other. This tells the other person in the relationship you care about them and enjoy spending time with them.

Demonstrate acts of kindness and appreciation

Good relationships seek to meet your need for connection, whether you express it verbally or nonverbally. Along with setting aside quality time, friends or partners can connect through acts of kindness and appreciation.

This can involve words like stating how and why they appreciate you. It can also involve actions, such as sending a long-distance friend flowers when you hear their pet passed away.

Even small acts of kindness, like a quick text to let a friend know you’re thinking of them, can add up to a big impact.

Set healthy boundaries

Boundaries are a key quality of healthy relationships . Without them, you let others take advantage of your time, space, and emotions. With boundaries, you prevent others from draining your mental well-being , whether on purpose or by accident.

Your boundaries may look different for each relationship , and that’s okay. It may even be ideal. There’s no reason you should feel the need to maintain the same boundaries with your friends that you do with your loved ones. 

Boundaries foster connection between two people by maintaining individuality. We need to understand where our personality ends and theirs begins , writes Brené Brown in her book, “Atlas of the Heart.” She adds that a sense of autonomy promotes compassion and empathy in the relationship.

Healthy boundaries also tell you when it’s time to end a relationship. They allow you to identify relationship red flags and give you the confidence to move on.

Communication skills

Without clear and transparent conversations, our emotions, responses, and actions are based on assumptions. We may try to assume how the other person is feeling or misunderstand the intention behind their actions. Developing communication skills helps us build healthy relationships where we feel empowered to clarify intent and check in on others’ emotions.

While communication is a two-way street, we can’t control how others react or feel, but we can control our own actions and emotions , says Catherine Molloy in her 2022 TED Talk, “Think Before You Speak.”

One way you can foster transparent communication in your relationships is by actively listening to the other person and trying to understand their point of view. Other communication exercises you can practice together include: 

• Check-ins: Share your successes and challenges of the day. This allows you to open up to the other person and continuously improve your relationship.
• Clarifying whether they want advice: Sometimes, all we want is to vent, so it’s helpful to ask your partner or friend if they want you to listen or are asking for advice.
• Sharing laughter: Laughing together can increase bonding. Similarly, not being afraid to be silly in front of each other means your relationship is built on confidence and trust.

Self-care and emotional regulation

Self-care is critical to maintaining healthy relationships. As they say, you can’t pour from an empty cup. 

Prioritizing self-care enables you to turn inward when you need validation or a self-esteem boost rather than relying on others. This strengthens your personal boundaries and helps you honor others’ boundaries as well.

Additionally, emotional regulation fosters healthy relationships with others and with yourself. This is the ability to control your emotions in a positive way. It doesn’t mean numbing your feelings but finding healthy ways to diffuse strong emotions .

This type of emotional maturity is essential for creating long-lasting relationships. It’s also a huge draw when it comes to dating: A 2023 study by Match.com found that 82% of singles want a romantic partner who’s emotionally mature . 

Building a repair toolkit

Sometimes, despite our best efforts, misunderstandings bloom, and weeds of resentment take root in our relationships. Thankfully, there are ways you can mend fences.

1. Cultivate empathy

Empathy lets you see relationship problems from your friend’s or partner’s perspective. If you’re trying to resolve conflict, put yourself in the other person’s shoes and try to understand their perspective.

Engage in active listening and ask clarifying questions to understand how your actions make your partner feel. Even if you don’t agree, acknowledge their feelings and avoid getting defensive. 

2. Learn how to apologize

Sincere apologies rebuild trust, but a simple “I’m sorry” doesn’t always cut it. You need to take ownership of your mistakes and express genuine remorse. This shows the other person that you value the relationship and are committed to making things right.

A sincere apology involves:

• Acknowledging your actions
• Expressing regret for the hurt you caused
• Outlining the steps you’ll take to avoid repeating the mistake

3. Actively listen

Don’t just hear their words. Give your partner or friend your full attention and make an effort to understand their message. 

Active listening fosters emotional connection and open communication. Giving someone your full attention shows you care about what they have to say. Leave judgment out of the conversation to create a safe place for them to share their vulnerability.

4. Learn to forgive

Forgiveness isn’t just vital for healthy relationships; it’s vital for personal health, too. Forgiving someone doesn’t mean you’re okay with what they said or did. It helps you let go of resentment and other negative emotions so you can heal.

You can begin to forgive by acknowledging how holding onto anger harms you. Reframe the situation by focusing on the future rather than the past. This also helps you accept relationships as they are and replace negative thoughts with positive thinking .

5. Practice gratitude

If you’re experiencing a rough patch, take a step back and appreciate the good things. Expressing gratitude reminds you why you value the relationship and can shift your focus from negativity to positivity.

You can express gratitude to your partner or friend by:

• Sharing the specific aspects of your relationship you find most beneficial
• Letting them know how much you appreciate specific qualities they exhibit
• Engaging in acts of kindness, like making them dinner or picking up their groceries

Couples therapy

Contrary to what many believe, couples therapy doesn’t necessarily mean your relationship is broken. Instead, it is a proactive investment. 

With the right guidance, couples counseling gives you the tools to overcome challenges and nurture a healthy, happy relationship. Therapy supports your relationship by providing the following:

• A safe space for honest and open communication with your couples therapist as a neutral guide
• An opportunity to navigate disagreements in a productive way using conflict resolution skills
• A supportive environment where your couples counselor walks through communication exercises for rebuilding trust and encourages you to be accountable
• A safe place to explore emotional needs and address barriers to intimacy so you can rekindle love and passion

If your partner isn’t open to seeking professional help together, a relationship coach may be a helpful alternative. These coaches help you understand your relationships and resolve interpersonal issues.

Identifying your relationship needs

Relationships thrive when each person’s needs are fulfilled. But sometimes, identifying both your and your partner’s needs can feel like deciphering a secret code. This is where open communication and self-reflection can help.

Start by paying attention to your emotions: What makes you feel happy, loved, appreciated, and secure? What makes you feel lonely, frustrated, or resentful? You can identify non-negotiables in your partnership by reflecting on past relationships to determine what worked well and what didn’t.

You can also reflect on some common relationship needs to see which ones resonate with you, such as:

• Affection and intimacy: Openly discuss what makes you feel most loved and appreciated and actively seek ways to meet each other’s needs for intimacy.
• Respect and trust: Feeling valued, heard, and supported is essential. Communicate your expectations and boundaries to build trust and healthy bonds.
• Shared values and goals: Make it a habit to discuss your values, life goals, and hopes for the future. Talk about ways to support each other’s growth while nurturing shared aspirations and personal goals.
• Fun and adventure: Make time to play, explore new things, and find ways to laugh together. These experiences create lasting memories.

An objective third party can help you identify your needs and work toward fulfillment to cultivate relationships that thrive on mutual understanding, appreciation, and love. A BetterUp coach can also help you focus on personal growth to better give back to the relationships you value.

With science-based tools and exercises, your coach helps you develop conflict resolution, active listening, and emotional regulation skills. Additionally, a relationship with your BetterUp coach can push you out of your comfort zone to help you realize your true potential and become the best version of yourself

Elizabeth Perry, ACC

Elizabeth Perry is a Coach Community Manager at BetterUp. She uses strategic engagement strategies to cultivate a learning community across a global network of Coaches through in-person and virtual experiences, technology-enabled platforms, and strategic coaching industry partnerships. With over 3 years of coaching experience and a certification in transformative leadership and life coaching from Sofia University, Elizabeth leverages transpersonal psychology expertise to help coaches and clients gain awareness of their behavioral and thought patterns, discover their purpose and passions, and elevate their potential. She is a lifelong student of psychology, personal growth, and human potential as well as an ICF-certified ACC transpersonal life and leadership Coach.

15 red flags in a relationship to look out for

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30 Common Relationship Problems and Solutions

Jeannie Sytsma, AMFT, works for Relationship Reality 312 in downtown Chicago. At this highly-respected private practice she works mainly with couples who are experiencing... Read More

Sylvia Smith shares insights on love revitalization and conscious living. She believes purposeful actions can transform relationships into happier, healthier ones.

In This Article

Even the best of relationships run into problems sometimes. You’re both tired from work, or the kids are in trouble at school, or your in-laws are getting on your last nerve…you know how it goes.

Life throws all kinds of challenges at a relationship, from relocation to redundancy to illness. No wonder problems arise in even the strongest relationships.

To keep a relationship running smoothly, it is important to solve marriage problems before they snowball into bigger relationship problems.

When do relationships start to have common relationship problems?

For some, however, that phase of love eventually fades. As time passes and both parties of the relationship make their fair share of mistakes, what was once intoxicating becomes intolerable.

Much of the common relationship issues that couples face are minor and can easily be avoided with mutual effort, understanding and respect. Although bumps along the path of marriage are unavoidable, if you are aware of them beforehand, you will be able to overcome them without leading your relationship to the verge of collapse.

None of us are perfect, nor will we exactly be the same on every level.

Some character flaws, on the other hand, will be natural and acceptable. But if there are behaviors, perhaps a little lie here or an indiscretion there, it’s essential to consider that on a grander scale as the relationship progresses.

Is that an ongoing problem you want to work through continually, or does that constitute a deal-breaker? Something to consider.

10 causes of common relationship issues

What can destroy a relationship ? Many of the problems couples come to me for, seem to stem from issues that either cause or intensify their problems. But once couples learn how to address these two issues, everything else seems to start falling into place also.

Check out these causes of common relationship issues or issues behind relationship problems before understanding ways to solve common relationship problems:

Expectations

One of the fastest ways to create unhappiness and instability in a relationship is through disappointment. And very few things create disappointment as quickly as unmet expectations.

But, there are typically two common relationship problems with expectations in a relationship:

• unrealistic expectations
• unclear expectations

Oftentimes, couples struggle to meet each other’s expectations because they are simply unrealistic. It’s important to understand that our expectations often derive from other people, past experiences, beliefs, or internal values. But, that doesn’t change the fact that they are sometimes very toxic to our relationship. 

Alternatively, couples sometimes struggle to meet each other’s expectations because they simply don’t know what the other one expects from them or in their relationship. 

Now, maybe you are pretty certain about what YOU expect from your relationship and your partner, but that doesn’t mean that your partner can read your mind, which means they most likely have no clue what you expect. 

If you want to avoid unhappiness in your relationship, it is your responsibility to be very clear about your expectations and share those with your partner. 

If in doing so, you come to realize that some of your expectations might be slightly unrealistic, or even impossible to meet, you might want to review where that expectation comes from and what is more important – being unrealistic or being happy.

2. Communication

One of the most common relationship issues that couples face is communication. There is often either a complete absence of communication, constant miscommunication , or very poor communication. The end result is almost always frustration, unhappiness, and unmet needs. Many times the root cause of the communication issue is in “interpretation.” 

You misunderstand what the other person is saying and spend too much time and energy arguing a point your partner never intended. It’s a futile exercise. It is, therefore, essential to take the time to fully comprehend what your partner is trying to say. 

Also, if you’re the one talking, it’s important to make sure you’re communicating clearly and exactly what you mean so that your partner can understand. You need to recognize the fact that their perspective is not the same as yours.

Their experiences, points of view, and even baggage are not the same as yours. But good communication demands empathy. It’s to see the world through their eyes as much as possible and then treat them the way that you would treat yourself.

3. Unsupportive partner

Another common relationship problem occurs when a partner is unsupportive of goals and interests. When you are in a relationship, you want to treat your partner like they can be whatever they want to be. 

You want them to follow their dreams and will do anything you can to help support them along the way – and you expect the same in return!

4. Finances

One of the most common relationship problems couples will admit to are troubles in the relationship with finances. Not having enough money or not knowing how to split your financial burdens , as well as loss of jobs, a lack of money, poor money management, debt, and overspending are all common issues that can put pressure on relationships.

Discuss your finances when your relationship gets serious, and be honest about any debt you may have. Rely on one another if money gets tight and never stop communicating.

5. Cheating and other forms of infidelity

Cheating is a huge issue in relationships today. The internet has made all forms of cheating as simple as downloading an app. Sexting, emotional affairs , porn, sneaking around, and physical relationships with someone other than your romantic partner are all huge issues that damage relationships, sometimes irreversibly.

Infidelity is a hard subject to broach with your romantic partner, but it is in the best interest of your relationship to let your partner know when you are emotionally or physically checking out. You owe it to yourself to give your relationship another shot. Get your issues out in the open either with date nights or regular honest communication or seek couples counseling to help mend your relationship.

6. Not enough time spent alone

Some of the common relationship problems involve not spending enough time alone together. This is especially true for couples who have children. Between work and family obligations, you sometimes feel more like roommates than romantic partners . This is because you have stopped ‘dating’ one another. Such circumstances can make a romantic partner feel unappreciated, unattractive, and emotionally frustrated.

Call up your favorite babysitter and establish a child-free date night once a week with your spouse. This allows you to reconnect as a couple instead of as parents. Go on dates and treat one another like you’re still trying to woo each other.

Boredom is a common problem in long-term relationships. Being with the same person for many years can seem to take the ‘spark’ out of your union. You may also feel you have outgrown one another. Don’t despair or give up. 

You can reverse this feeling by looking for new ways to connect with your partner. Look for new things to do together such as travel or take up a hobby. This will help you bond over something fun and exciting.

8. Sexual intimacy

As the years go by and your relationship becomes seasoned, there will likely be a point where your sexual flame will dim. There could be a multitude of reasons as to why you or your partners in sex has dwindled, but no matter what the cause is, this decrease in sexual intimacy tends to cause common relationship issues.

In order to avoid such problems, there are a few important things that you should consider:

• As you spend more and more time with someone, the act of sex becomes predictable. In most cases, the more predictable the sex, the less fun it is to have. Think about your favorite movie for a second. When you first saw it, you were enthralled. You watched it over and over again, enjoying every viewing. 

But after 10, 20, or 30 times seeing the same plotline play out, you only pulled it out for special occasions. Your sex life is just like that favorite movie. So, spice things up . Your favorite movie’s plotline is set in stone. The plotline between you and your spouse’s sexual experience can be changed any time you want it to. 

Get creative, get ambitious, and understand that it’s not the other person’s fault. It’s just that, although you enjoy having sex, it’s just the same thing over and over again. Try something new today.

• Your expectations for your sex life may be a bit unrealistic. As your sex life loses steam, you likely are replacing more love and appreciation in the void left behind. Instead of harping on the lack of sex you’re having , take a moment and be grateful for the person you get to lay your head down next to.

9. The anger habit

The anger habit soon gets ingrained, and before you know it, you’re spending a large chunk of time fighting with your partner.

Think about it – if someone is angry and shouting at you, how likely are you to listen carefully and look for a solution?

Most people, understandably, react to anger with either anger or fear.

10. Not consulting each other

Let your partner know that they are a priority to you by consulting them before you make decisions.

Big decisions like whether to take a new job or move to a new city are obvious life choices that should be discussed with your spouse.

But don’t forget to include them in smaller decisions such as who picks up the kids tonight, making plans with friends for the weekend, or whether you eat dinner together or grab something for yourself.

10 signs of relationship problems that hurt the most

All relationships have their highs and lows, even the happiest of ones. There is no escaping them, and if not dealt with accurately, they can lead your relationships towards absolute chaos and destruction.

Here are 10 signs your relationship is having problems:

• You both spend less amount of time together
• There is minimal communication
• You both are critical of each other
• One partner indicates that the relationship is not going well
• Differences of opinions are criticized than worked upon
• You both are always defensive in front of each other
• You both have stopped discussing long-term plans
• You set other priorities over your relationship
• Maintaining the relationship feels like a duty
• You are happier when they are not around and vice versa

30 relationship problems and solutions

Now, how to solve relationship issues?  

Common relationship issues are not hard to solve; all you need for that is a strong will to work on your relationship issues, and love , of course.

Here are some common marriage problems and the solutions for how to resolve your relationship problems that you should know about.

When wondering about how to solve relationship problems, it can be useful to read first and then bring the conversation up about how to handle relationship problems with your partner.

1. Lack of trust

Lack of trust is a major problem in any relationship.

Lack of trust isn’t always related to infidelity – it can rear its head any time. If you find yourself constantly doubting your partner or wondering if they’re truthful with you, it’s time to tackle your trust issues together .

Relationship problems will keep mushrooming when there is a dearth of trust in a relationship.

Solution : 

Be consistent and trustworthy. Each of you should make an effort to be where you say you’re going to be and do what you say you’re going to do. This is one of the best solutions to marriage problems.

Call when you say you’ll call. Never lie to your partner. Showing empathy and respect for your partner’s feelings also helps to build trust.

2. Overwhelm

When life gets too much, you get overwhelmed. Maybe you’re in the midst of going after a promotion at work. Maybe they’re dealing with a troubled teenage son or daughter.

Whatever the reason, your relationship soon takes a back seat. Then relationship problems keep building up.

Solution: 

Talk to each other about what’s happening, and about what kind of support each of you needs .   Lean on each other instead of getting so caught up in other issues that they drive a wedge between you. 

Figure out together a time that will be just for you two.

3. Poor communication

Poor communication leads to misunderstandings, fights, and frustration. It also leads to one or both of you feeling unheard and invalidated and can quickly build into resentment and other common relationship issues.

Communication is a skill like any other, and learning it can make all the difference to your relationship. Learn how to listen without judging or interrupting, and how to get your point across without attacking.

Communicate with each other as friends, not combatants. Figure out what your communication style is and how compatible it is with your partner.

Work your way towards the solution by understanding what communication style would work better for both of you.

Also watch:

4. Not prioritizing each other

It’s so easy to take your partner for granted , especially when you have a lot of things going on. Before you know it, the only time you get together is over a hurried family dinner or while trying to get out the door in the morning.

Make time for each other every single day. No matter how busy you are, carve out fifteen or thirty minutes; that’s just for the two of you to talk and spend quiet time together.

Text regularly throughout the day. Add in a weekly date night to make sure your partner knows they’re your priority.

5. Money stress

Money is a leading cause of stress in relationships .  Maybe there’s not enough. Or maybe there is enough, but they spend it while you prefer to save. Perhaps you feel they’re too tight with the purse strings.

Whatever the issue, money can quickly cause problems.

One of the tips to fix old relationship issues regarding finances is to put those good communication skills to work here and have a serious talk about money. Figure out a budget that you both agree on and stick to it.

Work out a financial plan for your future and take steps towards it together. Make crystal clear agreements and keep them.

6. Changing priorities

We all change as we move through life. Maybe you were both ambitious once, but now you’d rather live a quiet life. Perhaps your partner is no longer enthusiastic about your shared dream of buying a house by the sea.

Changing priorities can cause a lot of conflicts.

Look for what you both still have in common while allowing your partner to change and grow. Embrace who they are now instead of pining for the past.

If you have different priorities about major lifestyle issues, l ook for common ground, and compromise that you are both happy with.

7. Chore wars

It’s easy to lose your temper when it feels like you’re the one taking out the trash for the hundredth time in a row, or you get home from overtime to find the house is a tip. Chore wars are a leading cause of conflict in relationships .

Agree together on who is responsible for what, and stick to it—factor in a little flexibility for when one of you is much busier than usual.

If you both have different ideas of what constitutes a neat home, it might be time for a little compromise.

8. Different intimacy needs

Problems with your sex life are stressful and can have a big impact on your relationship. If one of you isn’t happy or you’re finding you have widely different intimacy needs, it’s time for a serious talk.

Carve out time for intimacy. Arrange for someone else to take the kids once a week, or make the most of any time you have alone at home together.

Sex keeps you feeling physically and emotionally close, so make sure you are both happy with your sex life .

9. Lack of appreciation

It doesn’t come as a surprise to you that bad bosses compel good workers to quit ? Up to 75% quit their job not because of the position itself, but because of their boss who never expressed appreciation.

Being taken for granted is one of the fundamental reasons for breakups.

Appreciation is what keeps us motivated and committed, both in our work and our relationships.

Remembering to compliment or notice the things our partner shows, we are grateful and increases the overall satisfaction with the relationship. Saying thank you goes a long way.

10. Children

Having kids is a blessing, but it requires a lot of dedication and effort. This can cause a strain on the relationship when partners disagree on the way they want to raise children, address problems that occur, and spend family time.

Solution:  

Talk to your partner about why they think something should be done differently and share your reasoning. Often, we are repeating or trying to avoid patterns we were raised by.

Get together and spend some time understanding where the need to do things a certain way is coming from. When you understand, you can change and create a new way to parent that works for your family.

11. Overinvolvement

When we find the person, we love we want to share everything with them and to have them do the same. However, this can lead to feelings of losing one’s individuality, feeling of freedom, and a sense of accomplishment.

What does it take for you to be your own person while being their partner? Think of areas that you want to keep to yourself that give you a feeling of achievement and freedom.

It might be a hobby or doing sports. Talk to your partner so they don’t feel rejected by this new change and introduce it gradually.

12. Infidelity

What each of us defines as infidelity and where we draw the line can differ. Infidelity means various things to different people. Infidelity can encompass, besides the sexual act, flirting, sexting or kissing.

When infidelity has occurred, trust is broken, and a person can feel betrayed. This can snowball into many other issues and problems.

Talking about what infidelity is for you and your partner is important. They may hurt you inadvertently because, for example, they don’t find flirting a problem.

When something has already occurred, there is a choice to be made. A couple can try to regain trust and rebuild or end the relationship . In case the first one is chosen, seeking professional help can be a wise decision.

Figuring out marriage challenges and solutions and learning how to work out relationship problems is much more productive with counseling .

13. Significant differences

When there is a critical difference in core values, the way partners approach life, and challenges, issues are bound to happen.

For example, it might be that they are more spontaneous or hedonistic, while you plan more and save rather than spend. Nonetheless, if your views and expectations from life differ considerably, you are bound to argue.

When there are core dissimilarities between you, you might wonder if you are suited for each other. The answer is – it depends. What kind of change would you both need to undertake for this relationship to survive?

Are you willing you make that change, and how much will it “cost” you? If you decide you can and want to change, by all means, give it a go. This is the only way you will know if the change is enough for this relationship to succeed.

14. Jealousy

You might be in a happy relationship for a long time before noticing the first signs of jealousy. They might act fine at first but slowly change.

They start asking for your whereabouts, distrusting you, checking up on you, distancing or stifling you, and demonstrating concern about your affection towards them.

Often this behavior is a reflection of previous experiences that were triggered by something that happened in the current relationship.

Both partners need to make an effort. If your partner is jealous, try to be transparent, predictable, honest, and share. Give them time to get to know you and trust you.

However, for this to be solved, they need to make a separate effort to change their anticipations and work out their concerns. There is a difference between privacy and secrecy, and this line needs to be redrawn.

15. Unrealistic expectations

If you are human, you have unrealistic expectations ; no one is free of them. Nowadays, we might expect our partner to play many major roles: the best friend, trusted companion, business partner, lover, etc.

We might expect our partner to know what we want without saying it, advocate fairness at all times, or strive to change the other into what you desire them to be.

This can lead to misunderstandings, repeated quarrels, and misfortune.

If you want to solve a problem, you need to comprehend it first. Ask yourself – what is it that you feel entitled to? If you could wave a magic wand and change things, how would the new, pink reality look like?

What are you doing at the moment that you feel could get you there?

When you grasp what you are expecting to happen, but reality and your partner are depriving you of it, you can start to look for ways to ask differently or ask for different wishes.

16. Growing apart

So many things on the task list, and there is only one of you. How long ago did you stop including things to do with your partner on that list? Drifting apart happens bit by bit, and we don’t notice.

You might wake up one morning and realize you can’t remember the last time you had sex, a date, or a conversation that is more than organizational.

A relationship is like a flower, and it can not blossom without nourishment. When you notice the signs, it is time to act. It will take time to cross the distance that has been created, but it is possible.

Prioritize your time together, bring back old habits and activities you did together, laugh, and take time to reconnect.

17. Lack of support

When life hits us hard, we cope with it the best we know. However, often our coping skills are not enough, and we need support. Lack of support from a partner can lead to feelings of loneliness, anxiety, and feeling overwhelmed.

Long-lasting lack of support also affects the way we value the relationship we are in, and satisfaction drops significantly.

If you don’t ask, the answer is certainly “no.” Talking about what we need and what we can provide can clear the air of unrealistic expectations.

Unspoken and unfulfilled needs lead to negative beliefs about the relationship.

Understanding what our partner can provide helps adjust what we come to them for and look for alternative sources of support while our partner works on becoming one of the main pillars of encouragement and comfort again.

18. Addiction

Substance addiction can put a serious strain on a relationship.

Partner’s addiction can cause a significant effect on the family budget, cause many arguments, increase trust issues, cause ignorance and neglect of children and other family members, and impair overall relationship happiness.

Couple problems can be worked out with couples therapy . Counseling can be enormously helpful as it helps both partners deal with the issues arising simultaneously.

Understanding what triggers prompt addiction and building new habits as a couple promotes healthier ways of addressing problems. Individual therapy is recommended as well for both partners.

It can help understand the roots and patterns leading to addiction, and provide support to the non-addicted partner.

19. Moving at different speeds

Do you find yourself in a current relationship uncomfortable with the speed the relationship is progressing?

You might find your new partner moving more rapidly, wanting to spend more time together, constantly calling or texting, wanting to go away together, or you meeting their family?

Alternatively, you could be in a relationship that is not progressing the way you hoped it would, and the milestones you desired are not being reached.

When you and your partner need different speeds and intensities of intimacy and commitment , you may argue.

This can lead to becoming terribly upset over seemingly little things, pulling away, and questioning whether this person is for you.

Don’t sweep things under the rug rather address what is happening. Avoiding problems is not the best relationship solution.

What kind of reassurance or demonstration of love would bring you back on the same level? How are your needs different, and what can each of you do to find the middle ground?

20. Lack of responsibility

When one of the partners avoids taking responsibility, it can cause severe damage to the partnership. Money struggles, child neglect, fighting over chores, or playing the blame game can happen daily.

One of the most detrimental factors to the relationship is a significantly uneven distribution of responsibility amongst partners.

When addressing this issue, the first thing to do is to stop the blaming game. If change is to occur, you need to look forward, not backward. If the change is to be long-lasting, it needs to happen gradually.

Overwhelming a partner to make up for all this time of dodging responsibilities will just prove they were right to steer clear of them.

Give forgiving a shot as it has been linked to relationship success . Also, agree on the pace of change and the first things to share accountability for.

21. Controlling behavior

Controlling behavior happens when one of the partners expects the other to behave in certain ways, even at the expense of the wellbeing of the other partner.

This kind of toxic behavior deprives the other partner’s freedom, confidence, and a sense of self-worth.

Controlling behavior is a learned pattern of behavior from primary family or previous relationships.

At one point in life, this was beneficial for the controlling partner, and they need to learn to express affection differently. Speak up, set boundaries and adhere to them, and, if possible, try couples counseling.

22. Boredom

All relationships undergo periods of fun and boredom. However, when the feeling of monotony and apathy color, most of the days, it is time to react.

Allowing to fall into a daily routine and go with the flow can lead to decreased libido and overall satisfaction with the relationship .

Think back to the honeymoon phase and recall the things you did as a newly formed couple. What is available from that list today, and what do you still feel you could enjoy?

Make a conscious decision to add spontaneity into the relationship to start the upward spiral to a more eventful relationship.

23. Outside Influences

All couples are exposed to outside influences and opinions on how things should be done.

Some influences are benign, like grandparents’ occasional babysitting, while others can be detrimental, like disapproval of one spouse by the family or friends of the other.

Your relationship comes first, and everyone else’s opinion is secondary. Show each other support and that you are a united front against the world.

To resist the influence, you can limit the amount of time spent with or personal information you share with the family members or friends trying to impact you.

Marital problems and solutions may appear quite similar on the outside, but no one knows better than you what you need to make it work.

24. Ineffective argument

Arguments are a part of every relationship. However, the way fights are led, and what is their outcome can have a big impact on the relationship.

Disagreement can be helpful or destructive, depending on what you do with them. Having the same fight over and over, losing your temper, or saying things you regret later is bound to make you feel it’s not worth it.

After an argument, you should feel you have made progress in understanding where your partner is coming from.

A good fight is one after which you have agreed on what can be the first step both will take to resolve the issue. Start by listening to hear the other side, not only by waiting for your turn.

Research together ways to fight better and only ever focus on the next step needed to take.

25. Keeping a scoreboard

When you keep blaming and recalling mistakes each of you has made, you are keeping a virtual scoreboard of each other’s faults. If being right is more important than being with the other person, the relationship is doomed.

This leads up to a build-up of guilt, anger, and bitterness and doesn’t solve any problems.

Deal with each problem separately unless they are legitimately connected. Focus on the problem at hand and speak your mind. Don’t let it build up and mention it months later.

Decide if you want to save the relationship and if you do, learn to accept the past as is and start focusing on where to go from here.

26. Life gets in the way

In a relationship, it’s usually the priority to nurture and develop the connection. When life is a persistent inconvenience, it means one or both of you were not necessarily ready to get involved, and that can happen. 

Unexpected encounters with another person occur all the time. But when they do, it’s essential to allow it to flourish- placing it first over the chaos.

When the two of you notice you put the union on the back burner, it’s time to make a conscious effort with reprioritizing the other person regardless of your day-to-day situation to battle the new relationship struggles.

27. Trust is critical from the very beginning

Every relationship has problems, but when you first connect, you don’t want to go in with the idea that you can’t trust the other person. If this is baggage from a past relationship , that’s unfair and self-defeating for any new partnership. 

If your new partner made a promise and then lied to get out of it, that will create mistrust early on. That’s tough to get back. In an effort to do so, one piece of advice on relationship problems is that there needs to be much transparency and commitment in keeping your word moving forward.

28. You can readjust goals at a moment’s notice

Perhaps in the first few weeks of dating, your life goals appear to be similar, but a profound life circumstance changes your perspective on where you see yourself in the future or maybe your mate’s.

The change is not in keeping with what the two of you discussed. In this situation, you can find a way to get your partner to see things from your point of view, or the partnership won’t be possible.

These are the kinds of issues in relationships that are difficult to overcome. Often differences in life goals are deal-breakers.

29. A kind word here or there

New relationship problems can include a lack of manners in numerous ways. Pleasantries like telling someone they look nice or saying thank you, or expressing how much you appreciate something they’ve done wane after a few dates. 

It shouldn’t—unfortunately, comfortability and taking a partner for granted set in quickly. If you notice this early on, say something, but also make sure to lead by example. Be the first to tell your mate these things often.

30. Notice continued bad behaviors with a new relationship

You’ll know you have early relationship problems if your mate is continuously on their phone when you’re together. That’s incredibly rude behavior for anyone when they’re with other people for any reason, let alone being on a date or in the early stages of a partnership . 

The focus should be on time spent with each other since free time is precious with the world’s hectic pace. When this happens at the start of a partnership, it won’t get better with time. It needs to be addressed and stopped to strengthen your union ultimately.

Relationships are marathons

Most relationship problems and ways of fixing relationship problems would be something that you must have heard about or experienced; still, when it comes to utilizing this common knowledge, not everyone is thorough with the implementation.

It’s not difficult to answer “how to solve marriage problems,” and there is plenty of advice on relationship issues and solutions.

However, when it comes to solving marriage issues and relationship issues advice, everything boils down to effort and implementation.

These common problems in relationships are not completely avoidable, and every couple runs into some of them at one point.

The good news is, working on relationship problems can produce a considerable difference and get your relationship back on track, free from all relationship difficulties.

Be creative, don’t give up on each other, and you will reach the solution.

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Sylvia Smith loves to share insights on how couples can revitalize their love lives in and out of the bedroom. As a writer at Marriage.com, she is a big believer in living consciously and encourages couples to adopt this principle Read more in their lives too. Sylvia believes that every couple can transform their relationship into a happier, healthier one by taking purposeful and wholehearted action. Read less

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The 4 Most Common Relationship Problems — and How to Fix Them

R elationship problems. Everybody has them. And sometimes you have them over and over and over.

Most of the people giving advice don’t know the research. So where are the real answers?

I decided to call an expert: Dr. John Gottman.

You might remember him as the researcher in Malcolm Gladwell’s Blink who, after just a few minutes, could predict whether a couple would end up divorced.

John is a professor emeritus at the University of Washington and co-founder of the Gottman Institute. He’s published over 190 papers and authored more than 40 books, including:

• Principia Amoris: The New Science of Love
• The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
• The Relationship Cure: A 5 Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family, and Friendships

He’s also a really cool guy. John’s gained powerful insights from studying couples that thrive (who he calls “Masters”) and couples that don’t (who he calls “Disasters.”)

So what are you going to learn here?

• The four things that doom relationships.
• The three things that prevent those four things.
• The most important part of any relationship conversation.
• The single best predictor of whether a relationship is working. (It’s so easy you can do it yourself in 2 minutes.)

Want to be a Master and not a Disaster? Let’s get to it.

1) The Four Horsemen Of The Relationship Apocalypse

John has studied thousands of couples over his 40-year career. Four things came up again and again that indicated a relationship was headed for trouble. The Disasters did them a lot and the Masters avoided them:

#1: Criticism

This is when someone points to their partner and says their personality or character is the problem. Here’s John:

Criticism is staging the problem in a relationship as a character flaw in a partner. The Masters did the opposite: they point a finger at themselves and they really have a very gentle way of starting up the discussion, minimizing the problem and talking about what they feel and what they need.

Ladies, are you listening? Because criticism is something women do a lot more than men. (Don’t worry, we’ll get to how the guys screw up soon enough.)

#2: Defensiveness

This is responding to relationship issues by counterattacking or whining. Here’s John:

The second horseman was defensiveness which is a natural reaction to being criticized. It takes two forms: counterattacking or acting like an innocent victim and whining. Again, the Masters were very different even when their partner was critical. They accepted the criticism, or even took responsibility for part of the problem. They said, “Talk to me, I want to hear how you feel about this.”

#3: Contempt

It’s the #1 predictor of breakups. Contempt is acting like you’re a better person than they are. Here’s John:

Contempt is talking down to their partner. Being insulting or acting superior. Not only did it predict relationship breakup, but it predicted the number of infectious illnesses that the recipient of contempt would have in the next four years when we measured health.

#4: Stonewalling

It’s shutting down or tuning out. It passively tells your partner, “I don’t care.” And 85% of the time it’s guys who do this.

(Want to know a shortcut to creating a deeper bond with a romantic partner? Click here .)

Okay, that’s what kills a relationship. Naturally, you want to know what stops those things from occurring, right?

3 Things That Make Horsemen Go Bye-Bye

From looking at the Masters, John saw what prevented the downward spiral of the 4 Horsemen:

#1: Know Thy Partner

John calls this building “love maps.” It’s really knowing your partner inside and out. It was one of the Masters’ most powerful secrets. Here’s John:

A love map is like a road map you make of your partner’s internal psychological world. The Masters were always asking questions about their partner and disclosing personal details about themselves.

Why is this so rare? It takes time. And the disasters didn’t spend that time. In fact, most couples don’t spend that much time.

John cited a study showing couples with kids talk to each other about 35 minutes per week. Yeah, 35 minutes.

And even most of that was just logistics — “When will you be there?” “Don’t forget to pick up milk.” — not deep personal stuff like the Masters.

#2: Responding positively to “bids”

No, this has nothing to do with eBay. We all frequently make little bids for our partner’s attention.

You say something and you want them to respond. To engage. It can be as simple as saying, “Nice day, isn’t it?”

It’s almost like a video game: when the person responds positively (“turning towards a bid”) your relationship gets a point.

When they don’t respond, or respond negatively, the relationship loses a point… or five. Here’s John:

The couples who divorced six years later had turned toward bids only 33% of the time. The couples stayed married had turned toward bids 86% of the time. Huge difference.

Couples with high scores build relationship equity. They’re able to repair problems. They’re able to laugh and smile even when arguing. And that makes a big difference. Here’s John:

If you turn toward bids at a high rate, you get a sense of humor during conflict. Humor is very powerful because it reduces physiological arousal during arguments and that’s been replicated in several studies.

#3: Show admiration

Ever listen to someone madly in love talk about their partner? They sound downright delusional. They act like the other person is a superhero. A saint.

And research shows that is perfect. Masters see their partner as better than they really are. Disasters see their partners as worse than they really are.

(For more on the science of sexy, click here .)

Admiration is about the story you tell yourself about your partner. And that leads us to how to predict whether your relationship is working…

The Best Predictor Of How Good A Relationship Is

You can do this yourself: have someone ask you about the history of your relationship. What kind of story do you tell?

When your partner describes your relationship to others, what kind of story do they tell?

Does the story minimize the negatives and celebrate the positives? Did it make the other person sound great?

Or did it dwell on what’s wrong? Did it talk about what that idiot did this week that’s utterly wrong?

This simple “story of us” predicts which relationships succeed and which fail. Here’s John:

Our best prediction of the future of a relationship came from a couple’s “story of us.” It’s an ever-changing final appraisal of the relationship and your partner’s character. Some people were really developing a “story of us” that was very negative in which they really described all the problems in the relationship. They really emphasize what was missing. Masters did just the opposite: they minimized the negative qualities that all of us have and they cherish their partner’s positive qualities. They nurture gratitude instead of resentment.

(For more on what research says makes love last, click here .)

Is there a part of a relationship conversation that’s critical? Actually, there is.

The Most Important Part Of A Relationship Conversation

It’s the beginning. 96% of the time John can predict the outcome of a conversation within the first three minutes. Here’s John:

Negativity feeds on itself and makes the conversation stay negative. We also did seven years of research on how Masters repair that negativity. One of the most powerful things is to say “Hey, this isn’t all your fault, I know that part of this is me. Let’s talk about what’s me and what’s you.” Accepting responsibility is huge for repair.

How you start those serious relationship discussions doesn’t just predict how the conversation goes — it also predicts divorce after 6 years of marriage.

Via Principia Amoris: The New Science of Love :

…it went on to predict with high accuracy their fate over a 6-year period of time. The predictions we made about couples’ futures held across seven separate studies, they held for heterosexual as well as same-sex couples, and they held throughout the life course.

So you’re talking and you’re starting off positive and calm. Great. Now you should stop talking. Why?

When I asked John what the best thing to do to improve a relationship he said, “Learn how to be a good listener .”

The Masters know how to listen. When their partners have a problem, they drop everything and listen non-defensively with empathy. Here’s John:

In really bad relationships people are communicating, “Baby when you’re in pain, when you’re unhappy, when you hurt, I’m not going to be there for you. You deal with it on your own, find somebody else to talk to because I don’t like your negativity. I’m busy, I’m really involved with the kids, I’m really involved with my job.” Whereas the Masters have the model of, “When you’re unhappy, even if it’s with me, the world stops and I listen.”

And sometimes the best thing to do at the beginning of a relationship argument is to end it immediately. Why?

69% of a couple’s problems are perpetual. They won’t be resolved.

Beating a dead horse, asking someone to fundamentally change who they are isn’t going to work — but it will make them angry. Here’s John:

In the studies that Bob Levenson and I did, we brought couples back into the lab every couple of years to find out what they are arguing about. And people resolved only about 31% of their disagreements. You can edit these videotapes together and it looked like the same conversation over and over for 22 years. Masters learn to accept what will not change and focus on the positive. They seem to say, “There’s a lot of good stuff here and I can ignore the annoying things.”

(For more on how to listen like an expert, click here .)

Okay, that’s a lot of great stuff. Let’s round it up and finish with the thing John said that impressed me the most.

So here’s what John had to say:

• The 4 things that kill relationships: Criticism, Defensiveness, Contempt and Stonewalling.
• The 3 things that prevent them: Know your partner, respond positively to “bids”, and admire your partner.
• The best predictor of relationship success is how you and your partner tell your “story of us.”
• The beginning of the conversation is crucial. Negativity compounds. Keep a cool head and resist emotional inertia.

One last thing that really blew me away: what makes for happy relationships sounds a lot like what makes for happiness in general.

Research shows, happy people seek out the positive and are grateful for it . Unhappy people find the negative in everything.

There’s a very similar dynamic in relationships: Masters scan their relationship for good things, disasters are always noting the bad.

And not only that — the Masters’ way of looking at the world is actually more accurate. Here’s John:

People who have this negative habit of mind miss 50% of the positivity that outside objective observers see. So the positive habit of mind is actually more accurate. If you have a negative habit of mind, you actually distort toward the negative and you don’t see the positive. People with the positive habit of mind, it’s not that they don’t see the negative — they do, they see it — but they really emphasize the positive in terms of the impact on them. That’s the difference.

Choose to see the positive. It can cause a cascade:

• It’s fuel for your good “story of us.”
• You’ll probably start relationship conversations on a good note.
• You’ll admire your partner.
• And on and on…

Some of the same things that make you happy can improve your relationships — and vice versa. What’s better than that?

John and I talked for over an hour, so there’s a lot more to this.

I’ll be sending out a PDF with more of his relationship tips in my weekly email (including the two words that can help make arguments dissolve.) So to get that, sign up for my weekly email here .

This piece originally appeared on Barking Up the Wrong Tree .

Join over 145,000 readers. Get a free weekly update via email here .

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How To Be A Good Kisser – 10 Tips From Scientific Research

Recipe For A Happy Marriage: The 7 Scientific Secrets

What 10 things should you do every day to improve your life?

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How to fix a relationship

• Communication in relationships
• Improving relationship communication
• Overcoming trust issues
• Cross cultural relationships
• Dealing with jealousy
• Emotional infidelity
• Dealing with loneliness
• Fear of commitment
• Getting over a break up
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• FAQ’s

How to fix a relationship in 7 ways.

How to fix a relationship, handy tips.

˝A good relationship is not characterized by the absence of quarrels, arguments, and fights, but by the way the couple deals with them.¨    

At Barends Psychology Practice relationship problems are treated online and face-to-face (in Ljubljana). Feel free to schedule a first, free of charge, session: contact us . (Depending on your health insurance, sometimes treatment may be reimbursed).

How to fix a relationship in 7 ways:

• Dealing with communication problems.
• Dealing with sexual problems.
• Dealing with financial issues.
• Dealing with home chores.
• Making your relationship priority.
• Dealing with conflicts.
• Dealing with trust (issues).
• Dealing with cross cultural relationships.
• Dealing with jealousy.
• Dealing with communication problems in relationships.
• Getting over a break up.
• Overcoming infidelity.
• Overcoming trust issues.
• Dealing with adult separation anxiety .
• Fear of commitment .
• Dealing with loneliness in a relationship.
• Online relationship counseling.
• Take me to the homepage.

1. How to fix a relationship – dealing with communication problems:

Conflict Avoidance.

• Not paying attention while communicating . Checking your phone, playing games, or watching television while talking is asking for trouble. It will annoy your partner, and causes arguments in the end. The best thing to do is to stop with what you’re doing, and to listen to your partner. Look at each other when you are talking to each other. And make time for each other so good communication is possible.
• Conflict avoidance . In general, people dislike conflicts and try to avoid them. It’s easier to ignore small irritations and frustrations, because dealing with an offended partner is far worse. The problem with this coping mechanism is that these small irritations and frustrations slowly accumulate inside you until you explode. This usually causes a big fight, and it’s the following connection people automatically make: criticizing my partner leads to a big fight. This is not true. Keeping frustrations and irritations for yourself leads to an explosion and that causes a big fight. Therefore, it’s better to talk about your frustrations and irritations when they are not bothering you too much. This way your partner only has to deal with a little bit of criticism and you vented at the same time.
• Having little respect for your partner . Not letting your partner finish his point or sentence, not respecting his opinion, or not consulting your partner can lead to relationship problems . Allow your partner to finish their sentence, to make their point. And respect that others have different opinions. Ask for your partner’s opinion when you need to make a decision. This way you show that your partner’s opinion means a lot to you.

If you want to read more about communication problems , and get more handy tips, please check: Communication problems .    

2. How to fix a relationship – dealing with sexual problems:

• Rush, rush, rush . Couples who just have sex and only care about the orgasm, may be bored after a while. Take it easy, use some foreplay to get in the mood. Foreplay doesn’t start in the bedroom, but already with a romantic dinner. Use foreplay to explore each others bodies and to get the other aroused. Foreplay can easily take up to one hour.
• Different desires . Having different desires can cause some relationship problems in the bedroom. Do not focus on your satisfaction only, but also on that of your partner. Even if your partner has different desires. Talk with each other about desires and fantasies to see what your partner wants. You may be surprised and even like your partner’s fantasies. Also, try to be open minded about fantasies.
• No time . Nowadays people are busy. Sometimes too busy to have sex. Having a headache, or being tired is a common excuse. Plan your romantic night and make something out of it. By planning sex you will anticipate on it as well. And don’t forget: there is always time for a quickie.

3. How to fix a relationship – dealing with financial issues:

• Spending, spending, and spending. A common problem in many relationships is sticking to a budget. People tend to spend all the money they have in the first 3 weeks after they received their pay check, leaving them broke in the last week. Make a list of the expenses, and set aside money for the rent, food, electricity, and so on. Check your local supermarket for discount products. And make long-term and short-term goals, and calculate the amount of money you need for each goal. Example of goals: going to a restaurant, going to the cinema, or going on a holiday. But also buying new furniture, or kitchen utensils are important goals.
• Hiding information . Not being honest about your financial situation can cause relationship problems . Especially, if you have debts or earn less than your life style requires. Be transparent and honest about your income, your debts, and about the future perspective. It’s also wise to inform your partner about desired future purchases, so that you do not have to hide money from your partner to make that purchase.
• Bills. Not paying the bills or being late with payment can cost you a lot. It’s rather the cause, than the answer to ‘ how to fix a relationship?’ . For some taking care of finances is difficult, whereas for others it isn’t. Decide who will be responsible for the financial matters.

4. How to fix a relationship- dealing with home chores:

Doing the home chores can be annoying, boring, and unrewarding because it’s a never ending story. Many couples are having problems with home chores because both people work or are too busy with other things. Perhaps your partner seems lazy, and doesn’t clean up his mess. Or perhaps you’re cleaning up too quickly for your partner to keep up with. For some the answer to ‘how to fix a relationship?’ can be found in home chores. Here are 3 common ways in which home chores cause relationship problems , and some handy tips:

• Postponing . Almost everyone is good in postponing. ‘Taking out the garbage can be done first thing tomorrow, or tomorrow afternoon’. ‘I will vacuum after this great episode of ‘House on the prairie”. ‘If I don’t clean up my stuff, she will do it’. It is difficult, but stop postponing home chores, because this is where silly relationship problems come from. Home chores often take no longer than 15 minutes of your time and it takes away so much of your partner’s irritation. Another advantage: the home chores will not pop up in your mind all the time because you still need to do them.
• No acceptance . Couples usually have difficulty accepting each other’s habits and rhythms. If your partner isn’t cleaning up his plate or cup soon enough, you’ll notice that the irritation builds up inside you. You probably think that your partner is lazy or sloppy. But he might just have a different rhythm or other habits. Perhaps your partner takes his cup to the kitchen only after watching the news (habit), or only after waiting for 15 minutes (rhythm). If your rhythm is 10 minutes, then it seems like your partner is lazy and sloppy. However, maybe you are simply too impatient for your partner to keep up with.
• ‘ High’ expectations . Having ‘high’ expectations is asking for trouble. Many relationship problems start because people have ‘high’ expectations of their partner. People expect their partners to clean up, to vacuum or to do the groceries, but often do not oversee his busy schedule. It is wise to lower your expectations towards your partner’s efforts when it comes to home chores, or make a simple schedule: Mondays I do this and my partner that and Tuesdays … and so on.

5. How to fix a relationship – making your relationship your priority:

After a few months or years you may start to take your relationship for granted. You may not surprise your loved one any more, you may not shave your beard or legs regularly or dress up fancy for your partner. Friends and work may start to nibble on your precious time with your partner and soon you are too occupied with work and other stuff that your love life is suffering from it. Making your relationship priority is one of the answers to how to fix a relationship. Here are 3 common ways in which not prioritizing your relationship causes relationship problems , and some handy tips:

• No surprises . After a while you and your partner are settled a bit and insecurities about your partner’s feelings for you are taken away. Time to relax. No more flowers, massages, dining out or going to a spa. She loves you anyway, right? Not completely. Back in the days when you two were dating it was all about surprises and making a good impression. That is the person you made your partner believe you are, the one she fancies. Taking it a little more easy is understandable, but continue to surprise your partner, make her feel wanted, special and appreciated. Sometimes candles can make things look special already. Surprising your partner isn’t about big things, but about the small things. Leave him/her a small note on a surprising place (lunch box, pocket etc.).
• Work, work, work. Without a job bills can’t be paid, so work is a must. Working hard increases the chance of making promotion. However, working too hard will cause relationship problems . Or working hard is the result of relationship problems . Either way: the more time you spend with work, the less time is left for the two of you Less time quality means less reason to stay with you and eventually you may find your partner in bed with someone else. If you wonder how to fix a relationship then balancing between work and your partner is a good step in the right direction.
• Lack of personal care . Not shaving your beard for a week or wearing the same sloppy clothes for days in a row seems to be okay in a relationship and your partner may accept you as you are. However, taking normal care of yourself is a sign to your partner that you appreciate him/her. Also it better for your sex life and it makes you feel better. Try it and you’ll see/feel the difference.

6. How to fix a relationship – dealing with conflicts:

Having a conflict every now and then is not a problem at all. I believe it is actually very healthy for a relationship . But if you are having conflicts almost every day, then it is obvious you are having some relationship problems . Some people search for negative things in their partners, others never take any blame. Knowing how to behave in conflict is one of the answers to how to fix a relationship . Here are 3 common ways in which conflict causes relationship problems , and some handy tips:

• Not taking the blame . A common thing in relationships is not to admit when you are wrong. It’s usually a pride thing. In general, people who know they are wrong focus on the details (‘what do you mean Never? A week ago I did it’. or: ‘Tuesday? You don’t even remember the date, it was Wednesday. You never have your facts straight’), switch the topic slightly (to their advantage) or bring up irrelevant stuff from the past. But all you are doing is trying to win the argument, and all you achieve is losing your partner. Having a conflict is not about who wins, but about understanding each other better, finding a solution and to get closer as a couple. Try to admit when you are wrong, apologize and see the magic happening.
• Bringing up irrelevant stuff . If you are having a conflict it’s tempting to throw it all out. To let him know how you feel about A, B, and C, even if you are having a conflict about D. Don’t do that, please. It will not bring you closer together, it will not make your partner feel any better or solve things. The best thing to do is to stick to the topic and deal with that first. If your partner brings up irrelevant stuff, then simply say: ‘we can talk about topic B later, let’s first finish topic A’.
• Not using a mirror. People in general have difficulty seeing their own flaws. They deny their part in discussions, conflicts and messed up situations. But please, dare to look into the mirror and analyse your own behaviour in certain situations. It is you who responds in a certain way that provokes a response in your partner. It is you who takes in accusations and takes the blame, so your partner thinks he/she is always right. You are as much responsible for a conflict as your partner is . Looking into a mirror is one powerful way to partially answer the question: how to fix a relationship .

For more information about conflict resolution, go to: communication problems .    

7. How to fix a relationship – trust issues:

Trust is the most important part of a relationship. Without trust, there is little left to rely on. Relationship problems often start when someone cannot trust their partner. People can have trust issues from previous relationships, childhood or simply because you never keep your promise. Regaining trust is one of the answers to how to fix a relationship . Here are 3 common ways in which trust issues cause relationship problems , and some handy tips:

• No realism . By promising your partner to take care of something you make a good impression on her. But often people are not realistic when they make promises. This often results in relationship problems . Before you promise something, think a few seconds to figure out how realistic this promise is. Make sure you only promise something you can deliver. So don’t promise you’ll be home by 6, but in stead promise you’ll give a call when you go home. Don’t promise to never do something any more, if you know it is a very difficult promise to keep.
• Lying. If you fail to do something you promised or are supposed to do, it is easy to make up something so you do not have to take any blame. Unfortunately the more lies you tell the more likely one of them will be discovered. Another thing: slowly you are making a web of lies and the only one who will be caught in that web is you. Keep it simple: tell your partner that you forgot about it (forgetfulness is common in humans). Tell the truth. This makes you a reliable person and that’s a valuable character trait.
• Not leaving the past the past . Trust issues from previous relationships are almost always taken to the next relationship. Is it fair to think your current partner will cheat on you simply because your previous partner did? Do you give your current partner a fair chance, you think? In case you have trust issues from a previous relationship, talk about it with your partner. Be transparent and honest about it. This way your partner will understand why you might act a little strange from time to time. If this does not help, please consider going to a therapist. At Barends Psychology Practice trust issues and jealousy can be treated effectively. Make an appointment now , it is free of charge and without any obligation.

For more information about trust issues, click on: overcoming trust issues .    

How to fix a relationship – final word.

I hope this page about How to fix a relationship helps you and your partner on al the above mentioned areas. Knowing how to fix a relationship is one thing, but bringing this into practice is another. Don’t give up trying if you come across some problems in the beginning. Try to learn from each problem and try to understand where the problem came from. What happened before the problem? Is this a returning problem? What have I tried to solve this problem? What would my partner like to change? ladyx.ch All these questions can help you solve your problems. The tips and skills I just discussed may help you and your partner a lot. Practising these skills is the key to how to fix a relationship. If you have questions in regards to how to fix a relationship in your situation, please contact me .    

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Why Communication In Relationships Is So Important

Kendra Cherry, MS, is a psychosocial rehabilitation specialist, psychology educator, and author of the "Everything Psychology Book."

Ivy Kwong, LMFT, is a psychotherapist specializing in relationships, love and intimacy, trauma and codependency, and AAPI mental health.  

Willie B. Thomas / Getty Images

What Kind of Communicator Are You?

• Why Communication Matters
• Limitations
• Characteristics
• Communication Problems
• Improve Your Communication

When to Get Help

Communication is vital for healthy relationships . Being able to talk openly and honestly with the people in your life allows you to share, learn, respond, and forge lasting bonds. This is a vital part of any relationship, including those with friends and family, but it can be particularly important in romantic relationships. 

At a Glance

While all relationships are different and each one has its own ups and downs, being able to talk to your partner means that you'll be able to share your worries, show support for one another, and work together to handle conflict more effectively.

If the communication in your relationship is lacking, you can strengthen it by being present in your conversations, focusing on your relationship, and really listening to what your partner has to say.

Our fast and free communication styles quiz can help give you some insight into how you interact with others and what it could mean for your interpersonal relationships, both at work and at home.

Benefits of Communication in Relationships

According to Dr. John Gottman, a clinical psychologist and founder of the Gottman Institute, a couple's communication pattern can often predict how successful a relationship will be. Good communication can help enhance your relationship in a variety of ways:

Less Rumination

Communication in relationships can minimize rumination . Instead of stewing over negative feelings, good communication allows people to discuss their concerns and resolve them in a more positive, effective way.

Greater Intimacy

Good communication in relationships also fosters intimacy. Forming a close emotional connection with another person requires a mutual give-and-take when it comes to sharing things about yourself and listening to the other person.

This reciprocal self-disclosure means talking about your experiences, beliefs, values, opinions, and expectations. In order to do this, you both need to possess communication skills that foster this connection and allow it to grow and deepen with time. 

Less Conflict

Communication in relationships reduces and resolves conflict. Every relationship is bound to experience conflict from time to time.

When you are able to talk about your problems in an open and honest way, however, you can resolve arguments and disagreements more readily.

Rather than getting caught up in a cycle of misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and emotional strife, you can address your problems and take steps to improve your relationship .

Communication Doesn't Solve Everything

While the common assumption has long been that if you want to improve your relationship, you should start by improving your communication, some research has suggested that the answer might not be so simple. 

A study published in the Journal of Marriage and Family found that while there is certainly a connection between communication and relationship satisfaction, good communication alone doesn't definitively predict how happy you'll be in your relationships.

Other Factors Play a Role

Other factors—including how much interaction a couple has, the personality characteristics of each partner, and stress—all play a part in determining how satisfied people feel in their relationship.

Another study found that positive communication did not have a strong connection with relationship satisfaction over time. However, couples that reported less negative communication than usual and reported feeling more satisfied with their relationship than they usually did.

So while research suggests that communicating well isn't a guarantee for a happy relationship, there is plenty of research indicating that good communication skills enhance relationships and well-being in a number of ways.

Effective communication is one way to foster a positive, supportive relationship with your partner.

When you actively listen and respond to your partner (and they do the same for you), both of you are more likely to feel valued and cared for. 

For example, one study found that when people feel that their partner values them, they are more likely to sleep better. And ultimately, feeling more valued, positive, and happy in your relationships can have a beneficial impact on your overall well-being. 

Communication is just one part of a good relationship. Research suggests that people who are happy in their relationships are more likely to communicate well with one another. 

Signs of Great Communication in Relationships

So what do experts mean when they talk about "good communication?" Are you and your partner both on the same page or are there signs that might indicate a problem in how you relate to one another? 

First, it is important to think about what we mean by communication. On the surface, it involves the words that people use to convey information to one another.

But it can also involve other ways of transmitting information including tone of voice, body language , and other forms of nonverbal communication . In many cases, what you don’t say can mean just as much if not more than what you do say.

Some of the hallmarks of effective communication in relationships include:

• Active listening : Active listening involves being engaged in the conversation, listening attentively, and reflecting back on what people have said. It also involves asking for clarification when needed and avoiding making judgments. 
• Not personalizing issues : When communicating in relationships, people who are good at it avoid personalizing their partner's actions. Instead, they focus on the situation and how things can be resolved.
• Using "I feel" statements : I-statements can be helpful in interpersonal conflicts. Instead of saying, "You never clean up after yourself," try using an I-statement like, "I feel uncomfortable when there is clutter accumulating around the house."
• Kindness : Kindness is important because it makes people feel cared for and understood.
• Being present : When talking with your partner, it is important to be fully present in the moment . Getting distracted by outside sources–including electronic distractions such as your phone–can lead to a lack of communication and a poor connection.
• Showing acceptance : Healthy communication is about accepting and validating the other person , even if you might not agree with them. When you communicate well with your partner, you’re able to recognize that people have a right to feel their feelings even if those emotions and reactions are different from your own.

Communicating well in relationships involves actively listening, avoiding judgments, and practicing kindness instead of trying to win the argument.

Signs of Poor Communication in Relationships

Some signs that your relationship is being negatively affected by communication problems include:

• Assuming that you know what your partner thinks or feels
• Constantly criticizing one another
• Engaging in passive-aggressive behaviors
• Feeling like you can't really talk to your partner
• Getting defensive when your partner tries to talk to you
• Giving each other the silent treatment
• Having the same arguments over and over without reaching a resolution
• Refusing to compromise or listen to the other person's perspective
• Stonewalling in order to avoid problems or conversations

It is also important to learn to recognize some of the more subtle signs of poor communication. This can include avoiding arguments for the sake of keeping the peace.

If you never disagree, it means that one of you is hiding what you really feel or think just to avoid a fight. This deprives you both of experiencing authentic, open, and honest discussions.

Withholding issues can be another common communication problem in relationships. Instead of having tough conversations with your partner, you might avoid the issue and then end up dumping all of your anger, irritation, worries, or problems on the other people in your life. 

For example, when you don’t tell your partner you are upset, you might end up ranting to your friend about your frustrations. While this might provide you with an emotional outlet, it doesn’t do anything to resolve the problem. And it might result in passive-aggressive actions designed to "punish" your partner for not being able to read your mind.

Criticisms, defensiveness, silence, and feeling misunderstood are just a few signs of communication problems in a relationship. And a lack of arguing isn't necessarily a sign that you're communicating well. Instead, it may mean you are holding back in order to avoid conflict.

5 Ways to Improve Communication in Relationships

If you think that poor communication is having a negative impact on your relationship, there are strategies that can help you improve your connection.

Consider Your Attachment Style

Think about how your attachment style might affect your communication patterns. Attachment styles are your characteristic patterns of behavior in relationships. Your early attachment style, which emerges in childhood based on relationships with caregivers, can continue to affect how you behave and respond in adult romantic relationships.

If you have an insecure attachment style , you may be more likely to engage in communication patterns that can be seen as anxious or avoidant. Recognizing how your attachment style affects how you interact with your partner (and how your partner's style affects how they interact with you) can give you clues into what you might need to work on.

If you or your partner have an insecure attachment style, it can have an impact on how you communicate and interact with your partner. Knowing your style and being aware of how it may manifest as anxious or avoidant behavior can help you find ways to overcome less effective communication patterns.

Be Fully Present

In order to make sure that both of you are listening and understanding, minimize distractions and focus on being fully present when you are communicating. This might involve setting aside time each day to really focus on one another and talk about the events of the day and any concerns you may have. 

Limiting your device use at certain times of day, such as during meals or at bedtime, can be a great way to focus on your partner without having your attention pulled in different directions.

Use "I" Statements

Sometimes the way that you talk to each other can play a major role in communication problems. If you are both focusing on arguing facts without talking about feelings, arguments can quickly turn into debates over who is "right" or who gets the last word.

Examples of "I" Statements

"I" statements are focused on what you are feeling instead of your partner’s behavior. For example, instead of saying, "You are never on time," you might say "I get worried when you don’t arrive on time."

Using this type of statement can help conversations seem less accusatory or blaming and instead help you and your partner focus on the emotions behind some of the issues you are concerned about.

Avoid Negative Communication Patterns

When you are tempted to engage in behavior like ignoring your partner, using passive-aggressive actions, or yelling, consider how your actions will negatively affect your relationship.

It isn’t always easy to change these patterns, since many of them formed in childhood, but becoming more aware of them can help you start to replace these destructive behaviors with healthier, more positive habits.

Focus on Your Relationship

While good communication is important, research suggests that it is just one of many factors that impact the success, duration, and satisfaction in relationships. 

In fact, research seems to suggest that your satisfaction with your relationship might predict how well you and your partner communicate.

The more satisfied people are in their relationship, the more likely they are to openly talk about their thoughts, feelings, concerns, and problems with one another.

If you want to improve your communication, focusing on improving your relationship overall can play an important role.

There are many steps you can take to improve the communication in your relationship on your own, but there may be times that you feel like professional help might be needed. Couples therapy can be a great way to address communication problems that might be holding your relationship back. 

A therapist can help identify unhelpful communication patterns, develop new coping techniques, and practice talking to one another in more effective ways. They can also address any underlying resentments or other mental health issues that might be having a detrimental impact on your relationship.

Keep in Mind

Effective communication in a relationship allows people to tell other people what they need and to respond to what their partner needs. It allows people to feel understood, validated, and connected to another person. 

Always remember that the goal of communicating is to understand one another. It isn't about sweeping problems under the rug in order to prevent all conflict. Instead, focus on listening to understand and responding with empathy and care. If you and your partner are struggling with communication issues, consider talking to a therapist for advice and tips on how to cope.

Gottman J, Silver N. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work . New York, NY: Crown Publishers; 1999.

Lavner JA, Karney BR, Bradbury TN. Does couples’ communication predict marital satisfaction, or does marital satisfaction predict communication?: couple communication and marital satisfaction . Journal of Marriage and Family . 2016;78(3):680-694. doi:10.1111/jomf.12301

Johnson MD, Lavner JA, Mund M, et al. Within-couple associations between communication and relationship satisfaction over time .  Pers Soc Psychol Bull . 2022;48(4):534-549. doi:10.1177/01461672211016920

Selcuk E, Stanton SCE, Slatcher RB, Ong AD. Perceived partner responsiveness predicts better sleep quality through lower anxiety . Social Psychological and Personality Science . 2017;8(1):83-92. doi:10.1177/1948550616662128

Rogers SL, Howieson J, Neame C. I understand you feel that way, but I feel this way: the benefits of I-language and communicating perspective during conflict .  PeerJ . 2018;6:e4831. doi:10.7717/peerj.4831

By Kendra Cherry, MSEd Kendra Cherry, MS, is a psychosocial rehabilitation specialist, psychology educator, and author of the "Everything Psychology Book."

• Relationships

How to Repair a Relationship: 6 Solutions for Change

A few key principles are required to repair a relationship..

Posted January 13, 2021 | Reviewed by Ekua Hagan

Not all relationships are salvageable, but those that are will require several key principles to repair them so that the relationship becomes functional and gratifying. Based on anecdotal data from almost 20 years of providing psychotherapy to men and women, I have found that certain factors are especially helpful in improving or even saving a struggling relationship. Review each factor below and understand that practicing each one will give an impaired relationship the best odds for emotional repair.

• Increased self-awareness. The most important building block of relationship repair is increased self-awareness; without it, there is little hope. Asking yourself the following questions is critical and necessary: What did I do that emotionally hurt the other person? Which personality traits of mine tend to cause problems in relationships? (You should be able to cite at least one.) What in my past may have set me up to operate this way with someone I care about? What lessons did I learn about myself from past relationships? Increased self-awareness is important because self-awareness is necessary for emotional intimacy . What is the hallmark of emotional intimacy? The capacity to be vulnerable and trusting with another person.
• Increased empathy. Another crucial factor for relationship repair is the capacity for empathy, or the capacity to think about and appreciate another person's feelings. It is widely established that empathy is a trait that is cultivated early in childhood through a mirroring process in which an infant or young child senses that their feelings are noticed and their needs are met. Whether a child receives empathy or not from their caregiver helps to determine whether that child, later in life, has empathy for himself and others. In adult relationships, the existence and practice of empathy are necessary in order to have a gratifying and mutually emotional intimate relationship. When a relationship is impaired or has become dysfunctional, it is often because there is a lack of empathy perceived by one or both members of the relationship. When a relationship suffers, one of the most important ways to repair it is to focus on increasing your empathy. Think about how the other person feels, and consider whether they may feel sad, angry, jealous , insecure, or disappointed. The more time you take to consider the range of the other person's feelings, the better chance you have of repairing the relationship. This is so because your increased awareness of the other person's feelings can help you put into practice behaviors that are more considerate, respectful, and loving.
• Patience. Although it has become a trope over time, it's true that patience is a virtue. Many times when people want to repair a given relationship, they want the other person to be on the exact same schedule for relationship repair. In other words, if you have spent time realizing what you have done wrong and you have made a commitment to the other member of the relationship, it is tempting to want the other person to be at the exact same point of enlightenment as you. But it is important to be patient if you want true relationship repair. Allowing for the other person to come to forgive you when they are ready is critical.
• Increased nurturing. Relationship repair also requires an increase in nurturing. What is nurturing? Nurturing is the practice of caring for and tending to the needs of an individual. When a relationship has become impaired, part of the problem is that one or both members of the relationship have become so focused on their own negative feelings that they no longer have the wish to make the other person feel good. But if you want to repair the relationship, one of the best ways to do so is to make an effort to practice nurturing behaviors. This may include cooking for the other person, asking if there is anything the other person needs, offering a back massage, washing the other person's car, or any other behavior that takes time but shows that you are going out of your way to either make the other person feel good or reduce some of the burdens they have.
• Consistency. A relationship cannot be repaired without one factor that relates to frequency: consistency. Consistency is so important in a relationship because any healthy relationship requires trust, and trust requires predictability. If you change your behavior to be more positive 90 percent of the time but revert to old, negative behavior the other percent, the other person will most likely focus on the negative 10 percent. It is critical if you want to repair a relationship to be consistent and reliable so that the other person feels that the emotional environment and your behavior are predictable and emotionally safe and supportive.
• Increased kindness. The final principle required for relationship repair is an increase in kindness. What kindness means is widely established but what often goes unsaid are examples of behaviors that reflect kindness. The root of kindness is an acknowledgment of humanity, that each of us has emotional needs and that all of our relationships work best if we show mutual respect for each other. Kindness is about understanding that we all have strengths and weaknesses and that we all have different thoughts and feelings. Ultimately kindness is about accepting that each of us has inherent value and that no one is superior to another. It's also important to note that kindness is also related to mercy, which is defined as compassion shown toward someone who is in a position of less power. The more mercy a person shows another in a relationship, the kinder they will come across. In relationships, what most people truly want is the capacity and practice of softness from the other person. In a world that feels rushed, critical, and sometimes even cruel, people crave kindness and mercy more than ever. Increased kindness and mercy can't improve every relationship, but they are necessary factors to repair a struggling relationship.

While there are no guarantees when trying to repair a relationship, following these principles will improve the chances of it surviving or, at least, ending far more amicably than it otherwise would.

Seth Meyers, Psy.D. , is a licensed clinical psychologist, TV guest expert, author, and relationship expert.

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Why You May Have Trust Issues and How to Overcome Them

Haddi Browne

Mental Health Writer, Medical Writer, Proofreader

Education BSc (Hons) Psychology, MSc Mental Health Studies

Miss Haddi Browne is a freelance mental health writer and proof-reader with over seven years of experience working as a professional researcher with a diverse range of clients across the lifespan, including young adults with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and depression.

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Saul Mcleod, PhD

Editor-in-Chief for Simply Psychology

BSc (Hons) Psychology, MRes, PhD, University of Manchester

Saul Mcleod, PhD., is a qualified psychology teacher with over 18 years of experience in further and higher education. He has been published in peer-reviewed journals, including the Journal of Clinical Psychology.

On This Page:

Trust is a fundamental component of a healthy and resilient relationship. It provides the foundation on which all other aspects of a relationship are built. Without trust, it is difficult to achieve emotional intimacy, effective communication, or long-term commitment. 

When trust issues arise, the relationship becomes fragile and unstable . Trust issues can lead to conflict, insecurity, and emotional distance.

By confronting and resolving these issues, couples have an opportunity to rebuild a stronger, more resilient foundation and foster a healthier, more satisfying relationship.

Trust creates a sense of emotional safety within a relationship. This emotional safety allows individuals to be vulnerable and open with each other, sharing their thoughts, feelings, and experiences without fear of judgment or rejection.

Trust is also a prerequisite for building and maintaining emotional intimacy. Without trust, people may withhold their true selves and feelings, hindering the development of a deep and meaningful connection.

Trust is built on a foundation of reliability and consistency.

When you trust your partner, you can rely on them to fulfill their promises, meet their commitments, and be there when needed. This provides a sense of security and stability and strengthens the bond between you and your significant other.

Why Distrust Is Harmful

Dr. Gary Chapman, clinical psychologist and author of The Five Love Languages, explains that if you cannot trust your partner, it is difficult to feel close to them.

When individuals are preoccupied with doubts and suspicions, they may be less willing to be vulnerable and share their true feelings. This can lead to a sense of emotional distance and a decline in intimacy and affection.

When trust is compromised, individuals may doubt their partner’s reliability, anticipate betrayal, become overly protective, or avoid commitment. 

Trust issues often also result in a breakdown of open and honest communication. When one or both partners in a relationship are suspicious or mistrustful, they may withhold information, be guarded in their conversations, or question their partner’s loyalty.

It can also lead to jealousy , increased conflict, and other destructive behaviors such as snooping, stalking, and in some cases, infidelity.

Furthermore, trust issues can lead to:

• Suspiciousness (e.g., questioning where your partner is going, who they are with, and what they are doing)
• Emotional distress for both individuals in the relationship (e.g., feelings of anxiety, insecurity, and unhappiness)
• Controlling behaviors (e.g., tracking your partner’s location, reading their text messages, or following them)
• Emotional distance and a decline in physical affection
• The stagnation or ending of the relationship

Signs of Trust Issues 

Overly Cautious Behavior

Overly cautious behavior is usually a result of past experiences of betrayal, manipulation, or abandonment. This insecurity can cause someone to become excessively wary and self-protective, distancing themselves from relationships and avoiding long-term commitments. 

Characteristics of overly cautious people include being:

• Reluctant to take risks and put themselves in situations where they might be emotionally exposed or dependent on others.
• Overly critical of others and assuming that everyone is untrustworthy as a means of self-protection.

Skepticism and Suspicion

A person with trust issues may be consistently skeptical of others’ intentions and motives.

Even in the absence of reasonable evidence, people with trust issues tend to:

• Wonder if their partner is being dishonest or untrustworthy
• Anticipate dishonesty
• Jump to conclusions
• Assume the worst
• Question their partner’s motives or loyalty

Signs of a suspicious partner include: 

• Frequently asking their partner where they have been and who they have been with
• Checking their partner’s electronic devices without permission
• Accusing their partner of cheating or lying without valid evidence
• Snooping through their partner’s personal belongings

Anticipating Betrayal

A person with trust issues may be consistently skeptical of others’ intentions and motives. They may be guarded about sharing their thoughts, feelings, or vulnerabilities with others because they anticipate being hurt or betrayed.

Anticipating betrayal is therefore a defense mechanism to shield oneself from potential disloyalty. People who anticipate betrayal in relationships may:

• Create emotional distance by keeping their partner at arm’s length
• Overanalyze their partner’s actions and behaviors, constantly looking for signs of potential betrayal
• Test their partner’s loyalty and commitment by setting up situations to see how they respond
• Project their fears and insecurities onto their partner by accusing them of being unfaithful or dishonest
• Maintain independence and self-sufficiency to avoid relying on their partner for emotional support

Being Over-Protective

If someone has trust issues, they may feel the need to control their partner’s behavior to feel secure. This can look like:

• Constantly checking on their partner’s whereabouts
• Not allowing their partner to go out with friends or family without them
• Getting upset when their partner spends time with other people
• Controlling their partner’s social media accounts or phone usage
• Being overly critical of their partner’s friends or family

Need for Control

Trust issues can lead to a desire for control in relationships. Someone with trust issues may try to control their partner’s actions, whereabouts, or interactions to reduce their own anxiety.

Ways people with trust issues check in on their partner:

• Texting or calling them repeatedly throughout the day
• Asking their partner to check in with them at specific times during the day
• Getting upset if they do not check in with them as often as they would like

Individuals with trust issues find it hard to focus on positive characteristics of their partner or their relationship.

They may tend to overanalyze situations and read into things more than necessary, often seeing negative intent where none exists.

Examples of having a “negativity-bias” in relationships:

• Only remembering times when your partner has let you down
• Overanalyzing your partner’s behavior and looking for signs that they are being dishonest
• Feeling constant anxiety about your partner cheating or lying

Difficulty Forgiving

Partners who struggle to forgive:

• Hold onto grudges for a long time
• Have difficulty letting go and moving on from past hurts
• Refuse to forgive someone who has apologized
• Bring up past hurts in arguments

If someone has experienced infidelity, it can result in a lingering fear of betrayal, making it difficult to forgive their current partner for mishaps. 

Additionally, if your partner displays a pattern of unreliable behavior, broken promises, or dishonesty, this can make you particularly skeptical of their future words and actions.

Avoidance of Commitment

People with trust issues may be hesitant to engage in deep emotional connections or committed relationships as a protective mechanism.

Examples of how people avoid commitment in relationships:

• Questioning their partner’s motives (e.g., doubting the sincerity of compliments, gestures of affection, or expressions of commitment, fearing that these actions are insincere or manipulative)
• Pushing their partner away to create distance and avoid becoming too emotionally invested
• Setting unrealistic or high standards and expectations that can be difficult for a partner to meet
• Avoiding serious conversations about the future
• Finding reasons to sabotage or end relationships prematurely

Combativeness

Individuals may initiate arguments to:

• Avoid intimacy and emotional closeness
• Test their partner’s commitment
• Seek reassurance (e.g., expressions of love, care, and commitment) to ease their anxiety
• Confirm that their negative beliefs about their relationship and their partner are accurate
• Create a distraction from addressing deeper trust issues and confronting their insecurities and fears

What causes a lack of trust?

Past betrayals.

One of the most significant factors contributing to a lack of trust is experiencing betrayal in the past.

Betrayals can come in various forms, such as infidelity, dishonesty, broken promises, or breaches of confidence. When someone has been hurt or betrayed by a trusted person, it can lead to lasting trust issues.

Additionally, repeated negative experiences in relationships can reinforce trust issues. If someone has been in a series of unhealthy or toxic relationships, they may develop a generalized lack of trust in others.

People who have been cheated on in a current relationship often worry about their partner cheating again or leaving them for someone else. They may also feel resentful towards their partner and find it difficult to forgive them. 

Furthermore, infidelity can make it difficult to trust future partners because it shatters your sense of trust and security.

Additionally, experiencing infidelity can trigger low self-esteem and feelings of insecurity, making it difficult to trust someone new.

Childhood Trauma

Childhood experiences, especially those involving caregivers or early relationships, can shape a person’s capacity to trust.

Researchers have repeatedly found that childhood trauma causes alterations in brain systems involved in detecting threats and disrupts one’s ability to form healthy attachments. 

Attachments are bonds that we form with important people in our lives. They should provide us with a sense of safety, security, and belonging. 

Children who experience maltreatment learn that the world is unpredictable and dangerous and that people cannot be trusted or relied on for safety and support. 

Hughes (2004) found that neglected or abused children often have disorganized attachment styles and do not typically view caregivers as a source of safety. They “learn to adapt to an abusive and inconsistent caregiver by becoming cautiously self-reliant.” 

Additional research shows that, as adults, mistreated children are often “emotionally aloof and have difficulty forming close relationships.” 

Older children in long-term foster care have been described as “suspicious and highly adaptable, all in an effort to control or manipulate people viewed as sources of fear rather than sources of love or security.”

Parental Divorce

Experiencing parental divorce can instill beliefs that relationships are unstable, unreliable, and likely to end in pain and disappointment ( Can a Parental Divorce Impact a Child’s Future Relationships? | Qredible , 2020). 

Growing up without positive role models who demonstrate healthy relationships and trust can make it difficult for individuals to develop trust in their own relationships.

Mistreatment in Relationships

When you are mistreated by a partner, caregiver, or loved one, this can create a deep-seated distrust of others.

Dr. Joyline Gozho explains that “with emotional abuse, the abuse is often hidden, subtle, and insidious, yet very deeply damaging. It leads to very deep emotional scars.”

Such abuse can erode a person’s trust in the safety and security of the world and the people in it.

Emotionally abusive people seek to control and manipulate their partners. This can have long-lasting effects on the victim’s ability to trust future partners.

They may develop a fear of being vulnerable and getting hurt, so they may preemptively distance themselves emotionally from others to protect themselves from potential pain. They might believe they are unworthy of being loved and look for signs that their partner will hurt them.

Mental Health Issues

Conditions like anxiety disorders, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and borderline personality disorder can lead to heightened mistrust and difficulty in forming healthy relationships.

For example, anxiety and borderline personality disorder (BPD) can make people fear abandonment and be hyper-vigilant and suspicious of others (Rethink Mental Illness, 2022). 

Anxiety and depression can result in low self-esteem, self-doubt, and insecurity. People who lack confidence in themselves may find it challenging to believe that others can genuinely care about them or have their best interests at heart.

Additionally, people with PTSD may have difficulty trusting others because of past experiences of betrayal or abuse. 

Research has found that having mental health issues can distort your perceptions of reality, making it difficult to regulate intense emotions (Bentivegna et al., 2022). This can impede decision-making and lead to impulsive behaviors (eg., accusing your partner of cheating).

Attachment Style

Attachment theory suggests that the way a person forms attachments in childhood can influence their trust patterns in adult relationships.

People with insecure attachment styles (e.g., anxious or avoidant ) may struggle with trust issues in relationships. Their interactions with caregivers in childhood may have made them unconfident in the availability, acceptance, and responsiveness of attachment figures.

Anxious individuals are often worried about being abandoned or rejected. They may be quick to accuse their partners of cheating or lying , seeing distance or withdrawal as a sign that their partner is no longer interested in them.

Avoidant individuals are afraid of being vulnerable due to a fear of getting hurt or rejected. They struggle to rely on others and protect themselves by withholding trust.

How to heal from trust issues

Practice open and honest communication.

Openly discussing your trust issues with your partner allows them to support you and understand the reasons behind your feelings. 

Tips for communicating honestly:

• Express your thoughts, feelings, and concerns clearly and respectfully.
• Communicate your need for reassurance or support. Let your partner know how they can help and support you.
• For example, “I feel anxious when I think you are being distant” instead of “You always distance yourself from me.”
• Avoid placing blame or making accusations.
• Encourage your partner to share their own perspective. Be an active listener , demonstrating empathy and understanding for their feelings.
• Stay open to your partner’s feedback without becoming defensive. 

Self-Reflection

Start by examining the root causes of your trust issues. Understanding the origins of your trust issues can be a crucial first step in the healing process.

Reflect on your past experiences, including any betrayals or traumas that may have contributed to your lack of trust. What events or relationships have made you wary of trusting others? What specific experiences made you feel betrayed, hurt, or unsafe? 

Observe and challenge any unhelpful thoughts that occur when you feel distrustful. Ask yourself if there is any evidence to support your thoughts. Are you making assumptions about your partner? Are you catastrophizing? 

Practice Empathy

When you make an effort to understand your partner’s point of view, it promotes open and honest communication. Your partner is more likely to express themselves when they feel heard and validated, even if they are discussing sensitive topics related to trust.

Ask questions to gain insight into your partner’s point of view and encourage them to share their thoughts and feelings about the situation. Try to understand their perspective and be empathetic to their feelings. 

Put yourself in their shoes and try to understand their feelings and motivations. Consider how their background, past experiences, and emotions might influence their actions.

Practicing empathy by seeing things from your partner’s perspective demonstrates compassion and care. It can help your partner feel supported and valued in the relationship.

Take Small Steps

Healing from trust issues involves taking gradual, safe emotional risks with your partner.

Start with small steps or risks, like trusting your partner to do something for you or sharing your thoughts and feelings with them. As you gain confidence, you can extend trust in more significant ways.

Healing from trust issues is a gradual process that may take time. Be patient with yourself and acknowledge that setbacks can happen.

Challenge Negative Beliefs

Identify and challenge negative beliefs and thought patterns related to trust. Replace irrational or overly negative thoughts with more balanced and realistic ones.

Dr. Margaret Paul, clinical psychologist and author of Do I Have to Give Up Me to Be Loved by You?, reminds us that trust is a choice, and you can choose to trust your partner, even if you have been hurt in the past.

While past experiences may have shaped your trust issues, you have the power to change your beliefs and behaviors. Taking ownership of your trust issues can empower you to actively work on building trust in your current relationship. 

Forgiveness

Work on forgiving those who may have hurt you in the past, even if it’s a process that takes time. Forgiveness doesn’t necessarily mean condoning their actions but rather releasing the hold their actions have on your emotional well-being.

This can involve accepting that the past cannot be changed and focusing on building a positive future. 

How to let go of the past:

• Reframe your story by focussing on the lessons learned from painful events to create a more positive outlook and a new narrative.
• Consciously work to let go of negative emotions associated with past memories.
• Forgive yourself and those who hurt you. Forgiveness does not excuse actions, but it frees you from carrying the burden of resentment.
• Do not let past experiences define your identity. 
• Practice mindfulness, meditation, or deep breathing to help you stay grounded in the present moment and prevent rumination on past events. 

Therapy or Counseling

Consider seeking the guidance of a therapist or counselor, especially if your trust issues are deeply ingrained or significantly impacting your relationships and well-being.

A therapist can provide a safe and nonjudgmental space for you to explore your feelings, gain insight into your trust issues, and learn coping strategies. They can work with you to tailor a therapeutic approach that aligns with your unique experiences and needs. 

Therapy can help you:

• Develop healthy coping mechanisms to manage intense feelings
• Understand your attachment style
• Build self-esteem
• Learn effective communication strategies
• Learn how to set boundaries. 

Several therapeutic approaches are effective in addressing trust issues:

• Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) challenges negative thought patterns and behaviors. 
• Group therapy, where you interact with others facing similar challenges, helps you build trust and receive support from peers.
• Trauma-focused therapy helps you process past experiences.

Additionally, as you build a rapport with your therapist, you can experience a sense of safety and support, which may serve as a model for developing trust with others.

Is it normal to experience trust issues in a relationship?

Experiencing trust issues in relationships is a common human experience.

Dr. Ramani Durvasula, clinical psychologist and author of Should I Stay or Should I Go? says it is normal to experience trust issues in a relationship, particularly if you have been hurt in the past. 

Having insecurities and doubts is understandable, especially when considering past experiences of betrayal and unfaithfulness.

Furthermore, early life experiences and family dynamics contribute to a person’s tendency to struggle with trust in relationships.

However, when trust issues significantly impact a person’s relationships and overall well-being, it may be helpful to seek support from a therapist or counselor to address and work through these issues.

How can trust issues look in a long-distance relationship?

Due to unique challenges posed by physical separation, trust issues can manifest in long-distance relationships in the following ways:

• Partners becoming preoccupied with and suspicious about each other’s activities (e.g., their late nights, travel plans, interactions with others).
• Failing to share experiences, feelings, or concerns can cause partners to feel left out or uninformed about the other’s life.
• Delayed responses to messages or being unavailable for calls can lead to assumptions and misinterpretations.
• Fears of infidelity can develop if partners worry about new connections forming.
• Trust develops through shared experiences and quality time spent together. The absence of this can cause feelings of detachment, making it harder to maintain trust.

Setting boundaries and communicating openly and regularly is especially important in long-distance relationships. 

However, respect each other’s need for space–do not pressure each other to be available 24/7.

How long can it take to rebuild trust with a partner?

There is no fixed timeline for rebuilding trust as it depends on the individuals and specific circumstances. 

It is a gradual process and can take anywhere from a few weeks to years to restore trust fully. 

However, several factors can influence the duration of the trust-rebuilding process:

• The severity of the betrayal–a small lie requires less time compared to a major betrayal such as infidelity or financial dishonesty.
• The relationship having a history of trust issues can make it harder to rebuild trust.
• Consistently demonstrating trustworthiness over time. If promises are made to change certain behaviors, following through on those commitments is essential.
• A sincere apology, genuine remorse, and taking responsibility for one’s actions.
• The person who was betrayed needs time to heal and process their emotions, requiring patience and understanding from both partners.

Will a relationship work with trust issues?

Whether a relationship can work with trust issues depends on various factors, including the severity of the issues and the presence of any underlying issues that need to be addressed (e.g., mental health problems). 

If trust issues are severe (e.g., infidelity), it may be harder to make the relationship work. 

However, if both partners are willing to work on the relationship, it is possible to overcome the challenges and build a healthy relationship.

It is important to:

• Discuss feelings and concerns
• Discuss the impact of past experiences
• Work together to find solutions
• Take responsibility for your actions
• Show care and empathy towards a partner dealing with trust issues
• Make positive changes to prevent recurrence of trust issues

Julia Simkus edited this article.

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How To Fix Problems In A Relationship – Master Issues In Your Relationship

How To Fix Relationship Problems – Master Issues In Your Relationship

Even in the happiest and most stable relationship problems and issues can occur from time to time. In healthy relationships these things are usually resolved quickly. Every relationship crisis is a chance to grow together as a couple.

There are many kinds of problems that can come up in a relationship, and there are basically three ways to resolve them:

Acceptance:.

In this case, both partners decide to accept the situation as it is and consciously deal with it.

Leaving the situation:

If there seems to be no solution to the problem the only option is to split up. This is the case when both have a strong opinion and are not willing to deviate from it. Typical examples are if one partner wants children while the other doesn’t, or if one is willing to move to another country while the other can’t imagine leaving their current location.

Fixing the relationship problem together:

This option means that both partners find a compromise or ways to deal with it and respect the partner’s differing opinion. Communication is the key to success here.

Fixing Relationship Problems – What Is Important?

First of all both partners have to admit that there’s a problem in their relationship and they must be willing to work on it. The setting for the solution-finding stage is very important. It should be a place where both feel comfortable and relaxed. For some, the ideal place is on the couch with a nice glass of wine while others prefer to have a walk and discuss their issues in nature.

Time also plays an important role. You should agree on a time when you are both able to fully concentrate on the topic without any time pressure or interruptions. Switch off your phone, don’t interrupt your partner, and listen carefully. Finding the ideal time and place is the first step before before the actual problem-solving starts.

Issues In A Relationship – It’s often “only” a Communication Problem

Communication plays the most important role in any healthy and happy relationship. Many people expect their partner to cold read their feelings and wishes. Expecting the partner to know what’s wrong with you automatically or just by showing that you’re not happy often won’t work.

Sometimes the partner doesn’t even notice that something is wrong. The result is that dissatisfaction and anger are build up until it’s too late. Things that would have been solved easily if we communicated them right away turn into serious relationship issues.

Communication issues are very common in relationships. Try to articulate when you want something or don’t like certain things. Tell your partner if you want to spend more time together, how you feel, what you need, and what you’re afraid of. Address things directly and in the best case you already come up with one or two suggestions on how you could change things together.

Tip: Start your phrases with “I”

Just like setting boundaries in a relationship , it’s not what you say but how you say it that matters when solving problems. When talking to your partner, use phrases like, “I feel” or “I wish” instead of confronting your partner with phrases like, “You always do” or “You never do.”

You don’t want to put your partner in a defensive position. Once he or she is there it will be difficult to bring the conversation back on track. Try to describe the problem as you see it and in a friendly, non-accusing manner.

Some positive examples:

I felt… when this happened. i feel…when you…, avoid phrases like:, i know you… you are always… to me or at me you always make me feel….

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How To Fix Relationship Problems And Issues In Four Steps

1) identify the problem.

The first step is to identify and define the exact problem the couple has. Some people are often not even aware of the things that have been on their partner’s mind for weeks or even months. Both partners should therefore be aware of what the problem is and which issue they are trying to solve.

Examples Of Issues In A Relationship:

• Financial problems
• Communication issues in the relationship
• Long-distance relationship problems
• Sexual problems
• Education of the children
• Issues with setting boundaries in a relationship
• Relationship problems because of the family
• Disputes about the job and work-life balance
• Arguments about friends
• Household duties
• Values, priorities, and goals in life
• Lack of attention
• Too much or not enough distance

Other articles that might be interesting for you: 26 Must-Try Couples Therapy Exercises And Activities 57 Great Couple Therapy Questions For Your Next Session

2) Define The Goal – What Do We Want To Achieve?

The next step in fixing relationship problems is to define a concrete and achievable goal. The SMART method is perfect for this purpose. It helps to find a specific, measurable, attractive, realistic, and time-bound goal.

Both partners should pursue the same goal and work together towards it. Only teamwork makes it possible to actually accomplish the desired outcome.

Helpful questions for goal setting :

• What do we want to achieve?
• How does it feel when the current problem is solved? What has changed?

3) The Plan – Create A Master Plan To Fix The Relationship Issue

Once both partners are aware of the problem and a common goal is defined, it’s time to create an action plan. What is the best way to fix the issue? What specific steps and changes are necessary along the way? Who is responsible for which part and how can both help each other?

4) Taking Action, Creating Change, And Celebrating Success

This is certainly the most challenging part of fixing relationship problems. It’s time to take action and implement all the solutions that you’ve elaborated together with your partner.

It’s important to stay on track and to support each other along the way. After all, it’s only possible to accomplish the milestones and the goal together.

Journaling or regular (self-) reflection are great ways to see the progress that has already been made. Identifying roadblocks becomes much easier and the sooner they are visible the easier will it be to overcome them.

Another idea would be to agree to a certain day and time each week when you both talk about the progress. Ask yourself questions like “What has worked well and where’s still room for improvement?”

Success! The Relationship Problem Is Solved – And now?

Once the problem has (hopefully) been solved you could take some time to reflect and use this experience to grow as a couple. Analyze together how you mastered the crisis and what could be taken away from it for other areas of your relationship.

Try to keep habits you have built that have proven to be useful during the problem-solving process. A typical new habit could be the weekly date where everyone talks about their challenges and experiences of the week.

Here are 14 Impactful Worksheets & Exercises for Couples Therapy, Relationship Coaching , and as a Self Help to overcome relationship problems. Three worksheets specifically help to fix relationship problems.

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About the author: marcel schuy.

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A psychologist offers 3 ways to fix trust issues in your relationship.

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Preventing distrust from destroying your relationship requires proactive effort and a willingness to ... [+] confront difficult truths head-on. Here’s how you can do your bit.

Distrust is a crack in a relationship’s foundation that can jeopardize the very essence of your connection and intimacy.

Distrust arises from various sources, such as past betrayals or conflicting expectations, which sow seeds of skepticism and misunderstanding. It slips into relationships unnoticed, often triggered by seemingly minor incidents like missed calls or white lies.

Whether distrust creeps in gradually or descends suddenly like a thunderclap, its impact is profound and far-reaching. Here are three steps to prevent it from destroying your relationship.

1. Cultivate Radical Transparency

Radical transparency isn’t merely about sharing surface-level details. It’s about laying bare the innermost workings of our hearts and minds. It demands courage, vulnerability and a willingness to confront uncomfortable truths. In relationships, it’s crucial for fostering intimacy and repairing rifts. In a radically transparent relationship, there are no secrets or hidden agendas—only unfiltered honesty.

To cultivate radical transparency, create a safe space where open communication is embraced and authenticity is promoted. Research shows that those who showed genuine behavior in dating relationships experienced greater intimacy and less destructive behavior towards partners, leading to increased relationship satisfaction and personal well-being.

Equally important is to take the time to truly hear and understand your partner’s perspective, even—and especially—when it differs from your own. Practice empathy by putting yourself in their shoes and seeing the world through their eyes. This vulnerability and openness can deepen the bonds that unite your relationship.

Best High-Yield Savings Accounts Of 2024

Best 5% interest savings accounts of 2024, 2. practice mutual accountability.

In a healthy relationship, trust is reciprocal. It requires both partners to actively nurture and protect the trust that binds them. This is where mutual accountability plays a crucial role.

Research published in The Journal of Positive Psychology reveals that higher levels of accountability in relationships lead to positive outcomes. Individuals with greater accountability show stronger relational connections, responsible behavior and positive virtues like gratitude and forgiveness. They also experience better relational repair, a greater sense of life’s meaning and overall well-being. Conversely, lower accountability levels are linked to negative symptoms such as personality disorders, anxiety and depression.

Establishing mutual accountability begins with setting clear boundaries and agreements. Have an open conversation with your partner about trust and define acceptable behaviors together. Hold each other accountable for upholding these boundaries.

Remember, accountability isn’t about policing each other—it’s about supporting growth. Approach slip-ups with compassion and use them as opportunities for learning and strengthening your relationship. Together, strive to be the best versions of yourselves and deepen your trust in each other.

3. Embrace Vulnerability Exercises

Vulnerability is the cornerstone of intimacy, allowing profound connections to form between individuals. Studies suggest that sharing vulnerabilities through self-disclosure enhances social bonds and promotes understanding. Moreover, partners who demonstrate vulnerability by offering sincere apologies tend to experience higher levels of forgiveness.

However, vulnerability can be daunting as it involves exposing our true selves to potential rejection. To overcome this fear, it’s important to embrace vulnerability exercises that encourage emotional risk-taking.

Begin by creating a safe environment where you and your partner can freely express thoughts and feelings without judgment. Then, gradually introduce exercises that challenge you to share deeper aspects of yourselves. This may involve discussing childhood fears, insecurities or unmet needs.

As you engage in these exercises, pay attention to how they deepen your emotional connection and strengthen your bond with your partner. Notice how vulnerability begets vulnerability—as you open up and share more of yourselves, your partner will feel inspired to do the same. In this way, vulnerability becomes a catalyst for trust, fostering a deep sense of intimacy and connection that transcends words alone.

By recognizing the stages of distrust and the role they play in our relationships, we can begin to dismantle the barriers that separate us from our partners and forge a path towards healing and reconciliation. It won’t be easy and it won’t happen overnight, but with patience, understanding and a willingness to confront our fears head-on, we can rebuild what’s been broken and emerge stronger and more resilient than before.

Is distrust gnawing at the foundation of your relationship? Take the Relationship Satisfaction Scale to learn more.

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Essential Tools for Overcoming Common Relationship Obstacles

Posted: February 28, 2024 | Last updated: February 28, 2024

Discover the most common relationship problems, including poor communication, lack of trust, financial issues, and more. Learn how to fix these concerns or prevent them from happening in the first place.

Communication Breakdown

Communication is the foundation of any relationship. When partners stop sharing thoughts and start assuming what the other is thinking, misunderstandings grow. To bridge this gap, schedule regular check-ins and express feelings openly.

Trust Issues

Trust is crucial, yet easily shattered by secrets or lies. Rebuilding trust takes time and consistency. Both partners must commit to transparency and understand that healing is a gradual process. A consistent effort to reassure and be open with each other can mend the cracks formed by mistrust.

Neglecting Each Other’s Needs

Every individual has unique needs and expectations. Ignoring these can lead to feelings of neglect. Regularly discussing and acknowledging each other’s needs ensures a mutually satisfying relationship.

Loss of Intimacy

Physical and emotional intimacy binds couples. When it diminishes, relationships feel hollow. Prioritize time together, explore new ways to connect, and seek professional help if needed. Intimacy is about closeness and understanding, not just sex.

Constant Conflict

Frequent arguments, even about trivial matters, can erode love. It’s important to learn conflict resolution skills and understand the underlying issues. Addressing the root cause and adopting a problem-solving attitude can turn conflicts into opportunities for growth.

Financial Stress

Money matters can create significant stress. Openly discussing financial goals and concerns is crucial. Creating a budget and financial plan together can alleviate pressure and set clear expectations and guidelines to abide by.

Growing Apart

People change over time, and sometimes, they grow apart. To combat this, evolve together. Engage in shared activities, set common goals, and respect individual growth. Understanding and adapting to each other’s evolution keeps the relationship dynamic and strong.

Unmet Expectations

Expectations, if not communicated, can lead to disappointment. Discuss what you both want from the relationship and check in regularly. Adapting to reality versus fantasy is key to overcoming frustration and building a shared future.

Infidelity is a severe breach of trust. Recovery requires honesty, forgiveness, and a commitment to rebuild. It’s a difficult path, and professional guidance is often necessary. Once broken, it’s hard to put back together, but with effort, trust can be restored.

Jealousy and Insecurity

Jealousy often stems from insecurity. Addressing the root cause and building self-esteem are vital. Open communication and reassurance from both partners can mitigate these feelings. Trust and understanding are the antidotes to jealousy.

Lack of Appreciation

Feeling unappreciated can lead to resentment. Regularly express gratitude and acknowledge each other’s efforts. A simple “thank you” can make a significant difference. Celebrate achievements and express appreciation openly.

Over time, routines can become dull. Inject excitement by trying new activities or hobbies together. Breaking the monotony revitalizes the relationship. Remember, adventure can be found in small, daily changes as well as grand gestures.

Different Life Goals

Diverging paths can strain a relationship. Discuss and align your visions for the future. Compromise and mutual support are key to blending your dreams, not sacrificing one for the other.

Poor Conflict Resolution

Handling conflicts poorly can lead to resentment. Learn healthy ways to communicate during disagreements. Understanding each other’s perspectives and finding common ground is crucial. It’s not about winning, it’s about understanding.

Lack of Personal Space

Everyone needs personal space. Respecting each other’s need for alone time enhances togetherness. Discuss and agree on boundaries. Remember, being together doesn’t mean being inseparable.

Unrealistic Expectations

Idealizing a partner or relationship leads to disappointment. Embrace imperfections and set realistic expectations. Discuss what’s truly important and let go of the minor issues. Perfect is the enemy of good.

Technology Interference

Screens can become a barrier to connection. Set tech-free times to focus on each other. Engage in meaningful conversations and activities without digital distractions. Prioritizing face-to-face interaction strengthens bonds.

Different Communication Styles

Understanding each other’s communication styles is crucial. Some prefer direct talks, while others need time to process. Respecting and adapting to these differences prevents misunderstandings. Speak in a way that makes sense to your partner.

Lack of Commitment

Commitment issues can stem from fear or past experiences. Addressing these fears together and reaffirming the commitment can strengthen the bond. Both partners need to be equally invested in the relationship’s future.

Disagreements on Parenting

Parenting styles can clash, causing stress. Discuss and unify your parenting approaches to find common ground. Consistency and support are key in raising children with a sense of security. Teamwork really does make the dream work in parenting.

Failure to Apologize

The inability to apologize can hurt deeply. Recognizing mistakes and sincerely apologizing heal wounds. Saying sorry doesn’t make you weak; it makes you human. Forgiveness and understanding are the pillars of a strong partnership.

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How to Fix Your Company’s Culture of Overwork

• Malissa Clark

A three-step process will make everyone less stressed and more productive.

The new age of flexible of work has encouraged a culture of overwork, which is proving to be harmful to the mental health of employees. In her new book, Never Not Working , Malissa Clark offers a three-step process for organizations to reverse this unhealthy relationship: 1) Assess your company’s baseline level of overwork and its origins; 2) Plan for incremental change by targeting places where change will be most effective soonest; and 3) Execute a trial experiment, learn, and iterate.

Associate professor and head of the Healthy Work Lab at the University of Georgia, Malissa Clark, argues that in a post-pandemic work landscape that transcends buildings – and hours — the boundaries of professionalism and personal lives have been blurred. In her new book, Never Not Working: Why the Always-On Culture Is Bad for Business and How to Fix It (Harvard Business Review Press) , Clark explains the current epidemic of overwork, what it looks like at its worst, and how a generation of employees have unknowingly let their work consume them. This excerpt, which is lightly edited, outlines clear steps that organizations can take to correct a culture of overwork for the betterment of their employees.

• MC Malissa Clark is an associate professor of industrial and organizational psychology at the University of Georgia, where she leads the Healthy Work Lab. She is one of the world’s leading scholars on workaholism, overwork, burnout, and employee well-being. In addition to serving as an expert consultant to many organizations on these issues, Clark and her work have been featured in outlets including the New York Times, the BBC, Time, Glamour, The Atlantic, Huffington Post, and others.

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How to use account recovery when you can’t reset your Apple ID password

If you use two-factor authentication and can’t sign in or reset your password, you can regain access after an account recovery waiting period.

What is account recovery?

Account recovery is a process designed to get you back into your Apple ID account when you don’t have enough information to reset your password. For security reasons, it might take several days or longer before you can use your account again. We know this delay is inconvenient, but it's important so that we can keep your account and information safe.

Before you start the account recovery waiting period, try to reset your password.

If you don't know your Apple ID, try your email address or phone number. In addition to your Apple ID, you can sign in and reset your password with other email addresses or phone numbers on file in your Apple ID account.

Learn how to reset your Apple ID password on a trusted device or through the Apple Support app on a family member’s iPhone, iPad, or iPod touch. You can also visit an Apple Store and ask to use a device on site.

If you set up an account recovery contact, they can also help you reset your password .

Use account recovery only as a last resort when you can’t sign in or reset your Apple ID password.

After you start account recovery

After you request account recovery, you get an email with a confirmation of your request and the date and time of when you can expect to regain access. This email arrives within 72 hours.

If you submitted your account recovery request with iforgot.apple.com through your device's browser, you should avoid using that device during this period. Using that device might cancel account recovery.

To avoid delays, turn off other devices that are signed in with your Apple ID until account recovery is complete.

When the wait period is over, Apple sends you a text or automated phone call with instructions to regain access to your account. Follow the instructions to regain access to your Apple ID.

In some cases, you might be able to speed up the account recovery process or reset your password immediately by verifying a six-digit code sent to your primary email address. You might also be able to shorten the wait time by providing credit-card details to confirm your identity. If you’re given this option, an authorization request goes to the card issuer.*

Check the status of your request

At any time, you can see how long it will be until your account is ready for recovery, or when more information will be available. Just go to iforgot.apple.com and enter your Apple ID.

Cancel your request

If you remember your information and can sign in successfully, your wait period cancels automatically and you can use your Apple ID immediately.

To cancel a recovery request that you did not make, follow the instructions in your email confirmation.

* Apple Pay doesn't work as a credit card. If you enter your credit-card details correctly, and are asked to reenter your security information, contact your card issuer. The issuer might have declined your authorization attempts.

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March 26, 2024 - Baltimore Key Bridge collapses after ship collision

By Helen Regan , Kathleen Magramo , Antoinette Radford, Alisha Ebrahimji , Maureen Chowdhury , Rachel Ramirez , Elise Hammond , Aditi Sangal , Tori B. Powell , Piper Hudspeth Blackburn and Kathleen Magramo , CNN

Our live coverage of the Baltimore bridge collapse has moved here .

Crew member on DALI said everyone on board was safe hours after bridge collapse, official says

From CNN’s Amy Simonson

A crew member on the DALI cargo ship sent a message hours after the Francis Scott Key Bridge collapsed Tuesday saying everybody on board was safe, according to Apostleship of the Sea director Andy Middleton.

Middleton, who spent time with the captain of the DALI Monday, told CNN’s Laura Coates he reached out to a crew member after hearing about the incident Tuesday morning. 

He said there were 22 members aboard the ship from India who were setting sail earlier Tuesday morning and were heading toward Sri Lanka.

“I was able to reach out to a crew member very early this morning around 5:30 (a.m. ET) or 6 (a.m. ET) and get a message to them asking if they were OK,” he said. “That crew member responded within just a few minutes advising that the crew was safe, and everybody that [was] on board was safe.”

Middleton was told by the ship's captain Monday that the vessel was going to take a longer route to avoid risks along the Yemen coast.

“When I was out with the captain yesterday, we were talking while we were driving, and he advised that they were sailing down and around the tip of South Africa in order to avoid the incidents that are going on off the Yemen coast, and it was a safer way to go,” he said.

Middleton said the  Apostleship of the Sea  is a ministry to seafarers with members that spend time in the port and on the vessels as a friendly face to the seafarers that visit the Port of Baltimore, “taking care of their needs to make sure that they're reminded of their God-given human dignity when they're here in Baltimore.”

Search operation ends in "heartbreaking conclusion," Maryland governor says. Here's the latest

From CNN staff

Six people, who were believed to be part of a road construction crew, are presumed dead after Baltimore's Francis Scott Key Bridge collapsed early Tuesday morning. The collapse came after a 984-foot cargo ship hit the bridge's pillar.

Maryland Gov. Wes Moore told reporters Tuesday evening it's a "really heartbreaking conclusion to a challenging day."

Late Tuesday, it was discovered that two of the construction workers who went missing after the bridge collapsed were from Guatemala , the country's Ministry of Foreign Affairs said late Tuesday.

Here's what you should know to get up to speed:

• The victims: Eight people were on the bridge  when it fell, according to officials. At least two people were rescued — one was taken to the hospital and was later  discharged , fire official and the medical center said.
• The incident: Video shows the moment the entire bridge structure falls into the water, as the ship hits one of the bridge's pillars. CNN analysis shows that the  ships lights flickered  and it veered off course before it hit the bridge. Maryland Gov. Wes Moore said the crew on the ship were able to issue a "mayday" before colliding into the bridge, which allowed the authorities to stop incoming traffic from going onto the bridge.
• Response efforts: Earlier, dive teams from various state and local agencies were brought in to assist in search-and-rescue operations, according to Maryland State Police Secretary Col. Roland L. Butler Jr.. The mission started with 50 personnel and continued to grow before the Coast Guard announced Tuesday evening that it was suspending its active search-and-rescue operation and transitioning to a "different phase."
• The investigation: Authorities are still working to establish exactly how the crash occurred. The National Transportation Safety Board will look into  how the bridge was built  and investigate the structure itself. It will "take time to dig through" whether the bridge had ever been  flagged for any safety deficiencies , NTSB Chair Jennifer Homendy said.
• Rebuilding the bridge: US Sen. Chris Van Hollen said the path to rebuilding the bridge will be "long and expensive." Senior White House adviser Tom Perez told reporters Tuesday “it’s too early” to tell how long it will take to rebuild the bridge. President Joe Biden said Tuesday he wants the federal government to bear the full cost of rebuilding the collapsed bridge, noting that it will not wait for the company who owns the container ship DALI to shoulder the costs. Funding could come from the Federal Highway Administration as well as the Bipartisan Infrastructure Law, but it may require additional funding from Congress.

2 of the missing construction workers from bridge collapse were from Guatemala, foreign ministry says

From CNN’s Allison Gordon, Flora Charner and Amy Simonson

Two of the construction workers missing from the bridge collapse in Baltimore were from Guatemala, the country's Ministry of Foreign Affairs said in a statement late Tuesday.

Those missing included a 26-year-old originally from San Luis, Petén. The other is a 35-year-old from Camotán, Chiquimula, the statement said.

The ministry said both were part of a work team “repairing the asphalt on the bridge at the time of the accident.”

The statement did not name the two people missing, but it said the country’s consul general in Maryland “went to the area where the families of those affected are located,” where he hopes to be able to meet with the brothers of both missing people.

The consulate   also issued a statement Tuesday saying its consul general in Maryland "remains in contact with local authorities," and also confirmed that two of those missing "were of Guatemalan origin.”

Six people, who were believed to be part of a road construction crew, are presumed dead after Baltimore's Francis Scott Key Bridge collapsed early Tuesday morning when a cargo ship hit the bridge's pillar.

State and federal officials have not released information about the identities of any of the six missing workers.

Underwater mapping of bridge collapse area to begin Wednesday, Baltimore fire chief says

From CNN's Jennifer Henderson

Search operations near the Key Bridge collapse have shut down for the night due to dangerous conditions, but the process of underwater mapping with many local, state and federal dive teams will begin Wednesday, Baltimore City Fire Chief James Wallace told CNN’s Anderson Cooper Tuesday night.

Wallace said the portion of the Patapsco River is “tidal influenced, so it goes through tide cycles just like the open waters of the Chesapeake Bay does.”

The water depths in the area under the bridge vary from 40 feet to more than 60 feet, Wallace said. The deeper the divers go, the colder the temperatures they encounter, and the visibility is zero, he added.

 Wallace said when crews arrived Tuesday morning, the surface water temperatures of the Patapsco River were about 47 degrees with an air temperature of 44-45 degrees.

Here's what you should know about the historic Francis Scott Key Bridge

The Francis Scott Key Bridge collapsed early Tuesday after a massive container ship lost power and crashed into the iconic Baltimore bridge, sending people and vehicles into the frigid Patapsco River.

Six people, believed to be part of a road construction crew, are presumed dead and the Coast Guard has ended its active search and rescue mission.

Here's what you should know about the historic bridge:

• How old?: The Francis Scott Key Bridge, also referred to as just the Key Bridge, opened to traffic in March 1977 and is the final link in the Baltimore Beltway, according to the Maryland Transportation Authority (MDTA.) It crosses over the 50-foot-deep Patapsco River, where former US attorney Francis Scott Key found inspiration to write the lyrics to the Star Spangled Banner, the MDTA says.
• How long?: The bridge was 1.6 miles long when standing, MDTA reports.
• Traffic volume: More than 30,000 people commuted daily on the bridge, according to Maryland Gov. Wes Moore.
• How much did it cost?: The bridge cost $60.3 million to build, MDTA says. Since its collapse, President Joe Biden said he’s committed to helping rebuild the bridge as soon as possible.
• About the port: Baltimore ranks as the ninth biggest US port for international cargo. It handled a record 52.3 million tons, valued at $80.8 billion, in 2023. According to the Maryland state government, the port supports 15,330 direct jobs and 139,180 jobs in related services.
• About the ship: The bridge collapsed after a container vessel called Dali collided with one of its supports. Dali is operated by Singapore-based Synergy Group but had been chartered to carry cargo by Danish shipping giant Maersk . The ship is about 984 feet long , according to MarineTraffic data. That’s the length of almost three football fields.

Baltimore woman says bridge collapse was "like a piece of family dissolved"

From CNN's Kit Maher

For longtime Baltimore resident, Ceely, who opted not to share her last name, seeing footage of the Francis Scott Key Bridge collapse  Tuesday was deeply personal.

“I was very heavy-hearted,” Ceely told CNN. “Very tearful, thinking about the families whose loved ones may be in the water and just remembering when the bridge was constructed, and it was just like a piece of family dissolved.”

Ceely was at a prayer group Tuesday morning when she saw the news. She recalled being afraid when she first crossed the bridge while in Ford Maverick in 1975, but grew to like it because it saved time on the road.

“It was a main artery just like a blood line. It was a main artery to the other side of town. It was awesome. It beat going through the city all the time,” she said.

Elder Rashad A. Singletary , a senior pastor who led Tuesday night’s vigil at Mt. Olive Baptist Church told CNN that many church members watched the bridge's construction.

"It’s a part of the community. A lot of our individuals in our congregation drive that bridge to go to work, and so now it’s really a life changing moment,” he said.

"Heartbreaking conclusion to a challenging day," Maryland governor says as Coast Guard ended search operation

From CNN's Aditi Sangal

More than 18 hours after the collapse of the Baltimore bridge, Maryland Gov. Wes Moore said it was a heartbreaking conclusion after the Coast Guard ended the search-and-rescue operation for the six people who were on the bridge when it collapsed.

It's a "really heartbreaking conclusion to a challenging day," he said.

"We put every single asset possible — air, land and sea" to find the missing people, he told reporters on Tuesday evening. "While even though we're moving on now to a recovery mission, we're still fully committed to making sure that we're going to use every single asset to now bring a sense of closure to the families," the governor added.

6 people presumed dead after Baltimore bridge collapse, Coast Guard says. Here's what we know

As the sun sets in Baltimore, six people are presumed dead after a major bridge collapsed overnight Tuesday, according to the Coast Guard. The Francis Scott Key Bridge came down around 1:30 a.m. ET after a cargo ship collided with it.

The Coast Guard said it has ended its active search-and-rescue operation for the missing construction workers who were on the bridge when it collapsed.

• What we know: Eight people were on the bridge when it fell, according to officials. At least two people were rescued — one was taken to the hospital and has been discharged . The Coast Guard has been searching for six other people. But, around 7:30 p.m. ET, the Coast Guard said it has transitioned to a “different phase” of operation, now it did “not believe we are going to find any of these individuals alive,” Rear Adm. Shannon Gilreath said.
• About the ship: The bridge collapsed after a container vessel called Dali collided with one of its supports. The vessel is operated by Singapore-based Synergy Group but had been chartered to carry cargo by Danish shipping giant Maersk . The US Embassy in Singapore has been in contact with the country’s Maritime and Port Authority, a State Department spokesperson said.
• The investigation: The National Transportation Safety Board is leading the investigation into the collapse. A team of 24 experts will dig into nautical operations, vessel operations, safety history records, owners, operators, company policy and any safety management systems or programs, said NTSB Chair Jennifer Homendy. A voyage data recorder will be critical to the investigation, she added. 
• Vehicles on the bridge: Officials are also working to verify the numbers of how many cars and people were on the bridge, Homendy said. Gov. Wes Moore said the quick work of authorities in closing the bridge had saved lives . Radio traffic captured how authorities stopped traffic and worked to clear the bridge seconds before the impact . Maryland State Police Secretary Col. Roland L. Butler Jr. said there is a “ distinct possibility ” more vehicles were on the bridge, but authorities have not found any evidence to support that.
• Looking ahead: NTSB will look into how the bridge was built and investigate the structure itself, including if it was flagged for any safety deficiencies , Homendy said. The federal government has also directed its resources to help with search and rescue, to reopen the port and rebuild the bridge, Vice President Kamala Harris said . Earlier, President Joe Biden said t he federal government will pay to fix the bridge.
• The economy: Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg warned the collapse will have a serious impact on supply chains . Until the channel is reopened, ships will likely already be changing course for other East Coast ports. Ocean carriers are already being diverted from the Port of Baltimore, where the bridge collapsed, to the Port of Virginia to “keep trade moving."

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