how to solve a friendship problem

Au Café ( c 1875-77) by Edgar Degas. © The Fitzwilliam Museum, Cambridge

How to support a struggling friend

Sometimes it’s hard to know what to say or do. use these five strategies for providing effective emotional support.

by Elise Kalokerinos   + BIO

is a senior lecturer in psychology and co-director of the Functions of Emotions in Everyday Life Lab at the University of Melbourne. She studies how people manage their emotions, and the emotions of others, as they navigate their daily lives.

Edited by Christian Jarrett

Listen to this Guide.

Need to know

Your friend is devastated. She’s just lost her job and looks like she’s about to burst into tears in the middle of the busy coffee shop. You don’t know what to do. You want to help her, but what do you say in this horrible situation? How do you make her feel better right now, and how can you help her get through the tough time to come?

We’ve all been in situations like this, both big and small and everything in between: from a friend burning the food at their dinner party, to struggling with the loss of a loved one; from missing the bus to work, to enduring a marriage breakdown. Common wisdom suggests that a problem shared is a problem halved. We really want to help, yet we don’t quite have the words or the tactics. You might have felt yourself freeze in these moments, paralysed by the thought that anything you say or do could be a little awkward, or even make things worse.

Being supportive isn’t easy

Research shows that many people don’t really know what works best to help their friends effectively. Moreover, the support we do provide, such as giving advice, is often ineffective. Part of the challenge is that there are just so many possible ways to intervene. A survey of the methods that people used to manage their friends’ emotions identified 378 distinct strategies, including allowing the other person to vent their emotions, acting silly to make the other person laugh, and helping to rationalise the other person’s decisions. Given this large variety of strategies, it’s no wonder that deciding what to do when you have a friend in tears can be a little overwhelming.

Providing support is a skill that can be learned

The good news is that there are evidence-based support strategies you can learn that will help you provide more effective support to your friends. What’s more, providing support to your friends is good both for them and for you. Receiving social support from friends has benefits: in general, people who are supported tend to be more mentally and physically healthy. This might be because support from our friends and family is a strong buffer against the stress caused by tough times. Giving social support to friends also has benefits: when we support another person, it helps to strengthen our relationship with that person, and it makes us feel better (with the benefits being even greater when we feel like we’ve done a good job helping).

In this Guide, I will take you through five strategies to help you provide more effective emotional support to those who are struggling. For each strategy, I’ll give an example to help you see what this might look like in practice. These five strategies are broadly applicable but, later in the Guide, I’ll also cover some caveats to keep in mind.

Resist the urge to downplay your friend’s problems

Your friend Alex messages you, upset that he received a B in a college class. Your first impulse is to ignore the message – you think Alex is overreacting. He can handle this non-event on his own, and you don’t get why he is so upset. After a while, you figure you should respond. You write: ‘You’ll be fine, I don’t know why you’re worrying! Getting a B is pretty good and not the end of the world.’

When we think that someone is catastrophising something that (to us) is not a big deal, it can be tempting to ignore them, downplay them or be dismissive, but that would be a mistake and will likely end badly . Whatever your own take on your friend’s dilemma, it’s important to be responsive to their requests, and to prioritise trying to understand how they feel. Some studies suggest that being supportive is helpful only when we are responsive in this way. Moreover, being responsive to other people – trying to understand them, valuing their opinions and abilities, and making them feel cared for – is a cornerstone of good relationships.

So, in the above scenario with Alex, you might send a more thoughtful response, showing that you’re trying to understand how he feels: ‘I get why you’re upset, that sucks. I know you’re a hardworking and smart person, and I bet you’ll be able to get an A next time.’

In the longer term, a way to work on being more responsive and less dismissive is through setting compassionate goals. These involve focusing on supporting others, being constructive in interactions, and being understanding of others’ weaknesses. In a study with college students, people who reported setting goals that were more compassionate and less selfish had roommates who felt more supported by them. Cultivating a compassionate mindset is a useful background for all the remaining steps in this Guide.

Ask questions and really listen

You have coffee with your friend Jamie, who has just had a big argument with his partner. Your knee-jerk reaction is to think to yourself ‘Oh no, not another argument,’ to infer that Jamie is ready to leave the relationship (after all, that’s how you’d feel if you were him) and to show him that you’re on his side. You’re inclined to tell Jamie straight up that you get why he is angry, and that you agree it’s probably time to let the relationship go.

Just as playing down a friend’s problem is unwise, so too is trying to empathise too quickly, including jumping in with rapid advice. While this impulse is understandable and quite normal, it is also likely to go wrong. Although we tend to assume that we can tell how other people are thinking using our empathy, research has shown that we’re actually really bad at taking other people’s perspectives. One study , led by Tal Eyal at Ben-Gurion University of the Negev, involved researchers asking people to put themselves in another’s shoes in 25 different contexts, including taking other people’s perspectives on movies, on activities, on social issues, and even on whether jokes were funny. In all these experiments, trying to take another person’s perspective didn’t work, and sometimes it even backfired.

So how might you best address the situation instead? In the research by Eyal and her colleagues, directly asking was the only thing that helped one person understand how another person felt. This suggests that in the above scenario it would be better to slow down and start by asking directly how Jamie is feeling, rather than thinking about how you might feel in a similar situation. In short, we’re not as good as we think at intuiting other people’s feelings, and it is better to ask questions and listen to the answers.

Listening well can also be a challenge, but again there is psychology research that can help. To be a more effective listener, you can begin with two easy tactics . First, be attentive to the other person, and signal that you’re listening carefully by using nonverbal signals (such as nodding and smiling) and brief phrases (such as ‘Mmhmm’ or ‘Oh really?’) Second, provide ‘scaffolding’ questions that help your friend to elaborate on their story or their feelings, such as: ‘And what happened next?’ or ‘How did you feel after that?’ This can help them feel supported and heard. These skills may seem self-evident, but they’re particularly easy to forget in the moment, as we get distracted by our phones, or inclined to hurry our friends along to get to the point of their stories.

A related technique to try is active listening , which is commonly used by therapists, and relatively simple to implement. One form of active listening involves paraphrasing what your friend is saying in your own words, which can help them feel better. For example, your friend might spend some time explaining a series of stressful events across their week, describing arguments with their spouse, a mounting workload and some worries about debt, and you might paraphrase by saying that it sounds like they are overwhelmed both at home and at work right now.

Give emotional support first, cognitive support second

Your friend Casey comes to you upset that she has lost a big client at work. You want to jump straight in and help Casey think more positively about things. You know that this client was taking up a lot of Casey’s time. So, now that client is out of the picture, Casey can do less overtime, and spend more time on new, exciting clients. This kind of reframing is likely to be helpful for Casey in the long term, but it’s not the best place to start your support.

In contrast to downplaying a friend’s problem – the first pitfall I mentioned above – helping a friend see a situation in a positive light (known as reframing) is a supportive strategy. However, it’s important that you don’t jump straight to it. In the situation with Casey, it would have been better to start things off by validating her feelings, which is a form of emotional support . Casey has come to you feeling awful, and jumping straight to discussing the bright side might leave her feeling as if you aren’t getting it. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have tried to find a silver lining for Casey at all – but, rather than beginning there, better to validate and comfort Casey as she talked through the situation. Once you’d shown that you get how she feels, then you could have helped her find the bright side, which is a form of cognitive support in the sense that you’re helping your friend to think differently.

It’s important to provide both emotional and cognitive support because, although people prefer to receive and provide emotional support (and to avoid cognitive support), emotional support alone is often ineffective at making people feel better over the long term. Using emotional support first and cognitive support second makes people feel better, reaping the benefits of both approaches.

One additional concern with cognitive support is making sure that the reframe you suggest doesn’t slip into invalidating or downplaying your friend’s feelings. The dividing line here can be difficult to navigate. The key is to ensure your reframe doesn’t negate your friend’s feelings that the initial situation was upsetting. Instead, focus your reframing on unexpected upsides not yet considered, or future avenues to move past the initial problem. In the example with Casey, the aim wouldn’t be to convince her that losing her client wasn’t hard, but rather to help her find other parts of the situation that might soften that blow.

More generally, adopting the one-two punch approach of always beginning with validation is likely to help with this problem: if you begin from a perspective of validating, it’ll become more obvious to you when the reframes you provide are contradicting that validation.

Don’t take charge

Your friend Jay has a terrible boss. Jay has been struggling to deal with this for a while, and they’ve been constantly unhappy. You think Jay should quit and find another job with a better mentor, and you tell them as much.

Although you had good intentions, telling Jay straight up to quit would be a mistake. Very direct and obvious help can sometimes make people feel as if they are helpless. In research , people who received obvious and visible social support – rather than subtle, invisible social support – felt more stressed about an upcoming negative event. If your support is too directive and take-charge, it might make your friend feel like they aren’t able to handle things on their own, like a kid who needs their parent’s help to manage their problems.

Instead, it would have been better to ask Jay what they want, and how they might be able to change this situation, and then listen to them talk through their options one by one. In doing this, you provide a sounding board for Jay to take control of the situation on their own. Your aim should be to facilitate the other person’s choices, rather than dominating them. This will help them organise their thoughts and come to some solutions, without feeling like you did it for them.

Avoid venting together

Your housemate Jordan calls you to complain about your other housemate Kirby. Kirby hasn’t been doing her share of the chores, and Jordan is at the end of his patience. You too are annoyed at Kirby and, after a while, you realise that you and Jordan have been going back and forth complaining about Kirby for 10 minutes, and now you’re both feeling pretty upset.

Sympathising with a friend’s dilemma and venting together might seem like a supportive strategy that shows you’re both in the same boat and you’re happy to talk it over at length. However, this approach can go too far. In the above scenario, it’s likely to pull you and Jordan into a downward spiral of negativity.

Although I’ve discussed ways in which talking about problems with your friends can help, if taken to an extreme, it can become a problematic issue called co-rumination . This involves talking excessively with other people about problems, and constantly dwelling on those problems together without looking for solutions. Such behaviour results in both people feeling worse , with co-ruminating associated with increases in anxiety and depression over time.

How might you stop that downward spiral? The good news is that, according to researchers , simply knowing that co-rumination exists might help people avoid these kinds of negative spirals, although this has not yet been directly examined in a study. So, begin by being on the lookout. In the scenario above, once you’d identified the venting spiral, you could have pointed it out to Jordan. Distraction can interrupt that feeling of being stuck in a problem so, next, you and Jordan could have agreed to stop the discussion for a few hours, and do something that distracts you both, before coming back to figure out how to deal with the issue. At this point, you could have considered enacting the validate-and-reframe pattern I mentioned earlier (supporting such an approach, there is evidence that reframing can interrupt spirals of rumination).

Key points – How to support a struggling friend

• Being supportive isn’t easy . Many people struggle to know the right thing to say or do to help.
• Providing support is a skill you can learn . There are evidence-based strategies you can use. What’s more, providing the right kind of support is good both for your friends and for you.
• Resist the urge to downplay your friend’s problems . Instead, aim to be compassionate and responsive to how your friend is feeling.
• Ask questions and really listen . Most of us aren’t as good at empathy as we think – so find out how your friend feels and show you’re paying attention.
• Give emotional support first, cognitive support second . Validate your friend’s feelings, and only then help them to see things in a more positive light.
• Don’t take charge . Avoid being directive about your opinions; instead, encourage your friend to come up with potential solutions so they feel in control of the problem.
• Avoid venting together . Dwelling on problems with your friend without looking for a solution is known as co-rumination . Use distraction to break out of these negative spirals.

Tailoring your support

Not all supportive strategies will work in the same way for all people, cultures and situations. Now that we have good information about what works overall, researchers are starting to investigate how the optimal way to give support might vary depending on the who , where and when of the situation. Here are some of the most important findings to date:

Who: a relevant factor is the personality of the person being supported and in particular their self-esteem. In a series of studies , Denise Marigold at the University of Waterloo and her colleagues found that people with lower self-esteem benefited less from reframing and other forms of cognitive social support. As I discussed in the What to Do section above, this is the kind of support that involves positively reframing a friend’s experience (eg, ‘That terrible job interview was good practice for jobs you’ll care more about in the future’). People with lower self-esteem found this reframing cognitive support less helpful, and the people who provided the support felt worse about the interaction, themselves and their friendships more broadly. However, people with lower self-esteem were responsive to emotional support that validated their personal experiences. These findings indicate how important it is to think carefully about the personality of your friend and their preferences as you provide support.

Where: other research has investigated the role of culture in effective support. For instance, while much of the research I have discussed so far focuses on participants in Europe or the United States, crosscultural studies have demonstrated different dynamics among Asian and Asian American people. People with these backgrounds tend to request less support than Europeans and Americans because they fear that requesting too much support will strain their relationships. Perhaps as a result, whenever Asian and Asian American people have to ask for social support, they tend to find it less beneficial than any unsolicited support they receive. This suggests that, when giving support to Asian and Asian American people, it might be better to offer the support in a more subtle way, without waiting to be prompted.

Furthermore, research has demonstrated that social support may be more effective in some cultures, depending on people’s values. For instance, a study investigating Latino culture in the US found that this is characterised by familism , which values positive emotions, readily accessible social support from family, and a sense of shared obligation among community members. Among Latino participants, but not European or Asian participants, those people who more strongly endorsed familism tended to enjoy greater social support and better relationships. Related research suggests that among Latinos specifically, endorsement of familism is associated with deriving more health benefits from social support. Taken together, this work suggests that providing effective support may be particularly important in Latino communities that strongly endorse familism.

When: the role of situation in social support provision is another focus of research. One key distinction has been whether the support is given online (eg, through social media or messages) or in person. Despite the challenges involved in online interactions, studies in young people have found that providing support online can be helpful, especially for those who have less support available in person. Indeed, studies with young adults have found that support received digitally (eg, through messages and video calls) was just as helpful as face-to-face support. There tends to be some scepticism around the benefits of digital social support, but this research suggests that it may be a promising avenue, at least in young people. It’s unclear how well such studies will generalise across all age groups, but it does indicate that, if offering digital support is an available option (as is so often the case), then it is an avenue worth using. Many of the strategies discussed in this Guide are equally applicable in digital settings and can be used to support friends from afar.

Links & books

In her New York Times guide, the columnist Tara Parker-Pope discusses the research on how to be a better friend, including how to make friendships last, how to listen more effectively, and how to have better arguments.

The Psychology Podcast hosted by the cognitive scientist Scott Barry Kaufman has several episodes that are helpful to being a better friend, including one on developing emotion skills, with Marc Brackett of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence, and another on fostering positive relationships, with the social psychologist Sara Algoe.

The Ten Percent Happier podcast hosted by the journalist Dan Harris also has some relevant episodes, including one on making and keeping friends, with the evolutionary psychologist Robin Dunbar of the University of Oxford, and another that makes the case for kindness, with Dacher Keltner of the Greater Good Science Centre at the University of California, Berkeley.

In her TED talk ‘Helping Others Makes Us Happier – But It Matters How We Do It’ (2019), the psychologist Elizabeth Dunn of the University of British Columbia discusses the benefits we get from helping others, demonstrating that supporting our friends also has personal benefits.

The book The War for Kindness (2019) by the psychologist Jamil Zaki of Stanford University is excellent on the psychology of empathy. Zaki demonstrates that empathy is a skill we can develop, in order to be kinder and more supportive people.

The nature of reality

How to think about time

This philosopher’s introduction to the nature of time could radically alter how you see your past and imagine your future

by Graeme A Forbes

Cognitive and behavioural therapies

How to stop living on auto-pilot

Are you going through the motions? Use these therapy techniques to set meaningful goals and build a ‘life worth living’

by Kiki Fehling

How to control your gambling

What’s fun at first can all too easily get out of hand. Learn the warning signs and use these tips to rein things in

by Luke Clark

How To Handle a Friend Who Uses You?

Wellness gifts for friends: time for some relaxation.

• How To Know If a Friend Is Using...
• What Are the Green Flags in a Friendship?...

• Attributes of Friendship
• Basic Fundamentals
• Dissolution
• Romance in Friendship
• Toxic Friends
• Healthy Vibes
• Gender and Friendship

Latest Posts

How To Know If a Friend Is Using You –

What Are the Green Flags in a Friendship? – Experts’

Popular tag, recent news.

• March 25, 2024

• March 22, 2024

How To Know If a Friend Is Using You – Let’s Uncover the Truth

• March 19, 2024

How To Handle a Friend Who

Wellness gifts for friends: time for, how to know if a friend, what are the green flags in, 11 common friendship problems & their solutions.

• BY Rebecca Dominique
• January 31, 2023

Indeed, friendships are an essential part of our lives. They provide us with support, comfort, and a sense of belonging. However, friendship problems can arise even in the closest of friendships. From minor disagreements to major betrayals, these arrays of issues can be challenging to navigate. Not just this, they can cause feelings of hurt, anger, and sadness.

Therefore, in this article, we’ll take a closer look at the common causes of friendship problems, their effects, and strategies for overcoming them. So, let’s explore!

Table of Contents

Common friendship problems to lookout for

Many different factors can contribute to friendship problems. Some common causes include:

1. Miscommunication

Communication  is vital in a relationship. However, a lack of communication may lead to an array of problems. Indeed, miscommunication is one of the most common causes of friendship problems. There are instances where friends may misunderstand each other’s words, intentions, or actions, leading to conflicts and hurt feelings.

2. Conflicting interests

We are human beings, and no two individuals have the same interest. Over time, friends may also develop different interests, priorities, or lifestyles. However, when these interests go haywire, it can create distance and tension in the relationship.

3. Jealousy

Jealousy can cause a major rift in friendship and become a significant cause of friendship problems. When one friend feels that the other is receiving more attention, affection, or recognition, issues tend to follow despite bonding.

4. Unhealthy competition

Healthy competition is good, but if it goes awry, it can lead to a big hole in any relationship. If you are competing for the same goal, such as a job promotion, a romantic partner, or a social status in an unhealthy manner, there are chances of significant tiffs. 

5. Betrayal

Betrayal can be one of the most devastating experiences in a friendship. This can take the form of gossiping, lying, or revealing confidential information and can cause severe damage to the relationship.

6. Controlling nature

Caring for a friend is always acceptable but when it goes to the length of controlling them can become the biggest friendship problem. A lot of times, bullying is observed at the workplace, school, and also in online friends . If ignored, it can lead to physical and mental instability.  

7. Manipulation

There are instances when a friend uses another friend for their own benefit, and that too in the name of LOVE. Besides, they also feel that they own you because you are friends. Such manipulation is useless and can become the biggest hurdle in friendship.

8. Trust issues

When friends start doubting each other for their motives, friendship problems start sweeping in. Even a tiny mistrust can break down the foundation of friendship.

9. Unpleasant company

There are chances when a friend might choose the wrong path, and that could turn into a whirlwind to end the friendship . Even when a friend mingles with bad company could be a turning point in friendship problems.

10. Non-committal approach

Sometimes, staying in touch with friends is next to impossible. Every person needs support and some motivation in difficult times. However, when your friend truly needs support and if you aren’t around and ghost them, then it can be a significant friendship problem.

11. Friend poaching

Friend poaching is indeed considered unethical, and why not? You introduce a friend to another friend. They get along and sideline you, and it may lead to horrendous friendship problems.

Effects of friendship problems

Friendship problems can have various adverse effects on the individuals involved and the relationship itself. Amid this, there are some common effects, and they are –

1. Emotional distress

Friendship problems can cause feelings of hurt, anger, and sadness. Furthermore, these can lead to emotional distress and a sense of isolation.

2. Decreased self-esteem

When friendships constantly experience problems, some individuals may start feeling that they are not valued or appreciated. They might not believe in themselves, leading to decreased self-esteem and feelings of inadequacy. It may affect their ability to make and nurture friendships.

3. Lack of confidence

Once these friendship problems start peeping into someone’s life, they directly impact an individual’s confidence. Besides, if an individual is repeatedly experiencing difficulties in their relationships, they might just lose faith in building new relationships.

4. Diminishing quality of life

Friendship problems can decrease an individual’s overall quality of life, impacting their sense of happiness, security, and well-being.

These may sound huge, but one can overcome them with a few strategies. Let’s see what they are!

Strategies for overcoming friendship problems

Overcoming friendship problems can be challenging, but it is possible. Here are some strategies that can help. Let’s explore.

1. Start communicating openly

One of the most important strategies for overcoming friendship problems is communicating openly and honestly. Start by becoming a good and calm listener. Spare time to listen to each other’s perspectives, express your thoughts and feelings and find common ground.

2. Practice empathy

Practicing empathy can also help overcome friendship problems. Start by putting yourself in the other person’s shoes. Try and understand their feelings and their perspective too. To overcome these problems, it’s time to become more sensitive to your friends’ needs and feelings.

3. Set boundaries

Setting clear boundaries helps prevent and resolve a lot of friendship problems. Start by establishing what you are and clearly communicating what you are unwilling to tolerate. Ensure to communicate these expectations to your friend.

4. Seeking professional help

If the problems in your friendship are particularly complex or persistent, seeking professional help can be a helpful strategy. This can involve therapy, counseling, or relationship coaching, which can provide guidance and support in overcoming the challenges in your relationship.

5. Maintaining space in friendship

Sometimes, friendship problems can be resolved by simply giving each other space and time to reflect. And to do so, you may take a break from each other for a while. In addition, you may simply reduce the frequency of your interactions until the tensions have subsided.

6. Show willingness to compromise

Another key strategy for overcoming friendship problems is showing a willingness to compromise. Don’t just devise solutions but make them work for both of you. Do not impose your own views and expectations on the other person. Rather find a middle way to tackle problems.

7. Forgive and let go

Forgiving and letting go of past hurts and conflicts can also be essential to overcoming friendship problems. As long as you hold onto anger and resentment, you will be more stuck in the past. Besides, forgiveness and letting go can help you move forward and strengthen your relationship .

8. Acceptance is bliss

Friend poaching is widespread and might leave many rotten feelings. You have to accept that they did hit off. If possible, try and maintain a friendship with both of them, and if you can’t, then accept the situation and find a new best friend .

9. Get closure

When a friendship ends, it’s best to have closure by communicating with each other. Try to figure out what went awry and led to this situation. It will help achieve peace, and you might not commit the same mistake in a new friendship.

10. Focus on the positives

Finally, focusing on the positive aspects of your friends can help you overcome challenges and build a stronger, more resilient relationship. Don’t just speak but undertake some actions. Start by celebrating each other’s successes, supporting each other through tough times, and cherishing the memories you have shared together.

Over to you…

Friendship problems can be difficult and painful, but with the right strategies, you can overcome them. Remember, seeking help and support is okay when dealing with friendship problems. You may reach out to a trusted friend, family member, or mental health professional who can guide and support you to overcome the challenges in your relationship.

14 Amazing Friend Date Ideas To Explore With Your BFFs

7 reasons why you should spend valentine’s day with friends in 2023.

• Rebecca Dominique

About Author

Rebecca Dominique is a passionate content writer specializing in lifestyle and relationships. With her engaging and insightful articles, she has become a respected voice in these fields. Her work, celebrated for its depth and relatability, empowers readers to navigate the complexities of modern life and interpersonal dynamics.

You may also like

Why does a Long-distance Friendship Become Difficult?

• The Friendly Buzzer
• June 29, 2022

Why Is It So Hard to Make Friends – 14 Reasons & their Solutions

• February 22, 2023

Discover more from The Friendly Buzzer

Subscribe now to keep reading and get access to the full archive.

Type your email…

Continue reading

If you're in a life rut, you may need a friendship reshuffle. Here's how to do it.

• It's normal for how close you feel to friends to change at different points in your life.
• A psychologist shared why a friendship reshuffle can be better than breaking up or quiet quitting.
• A reshuffle keeps a friend in your life while allowing you to branch out and focus on new people.

If a friend or friend group annoys you lately, the internet proposes a few ways to deal with it. You can formally break up with them and text them paragraphs of therapy-speak , or you can quiet-quit the friendship if you feel that ghosting is too harsh.

All these options can deeply hurt your friend and you if you regret the breakup.

Luckily, there's another, less permanent option for needing some space: a friendship reshuffle.

"There can be a difference between a full withdrawal and a downgrading of the connection," Miriam Kirmayer, a clinical psychologist, told Business Insider. A downgrade means you still want to stay in each other's lives but may change the frequency of seeing each other.

In general, there are many benefits to having multiple close friends and widening your social circle in that it helps you grow and gives you a broader support network. It also takes the pressure off of one best friend or group to always be everything for you.

Kirmayer shared how to reinvigorate your social life with a reshuffle — and leave room for later reconnection .

1. Be real about your grievances

The most important thing to ask yourself before you reshuffle is: Do you want to stay friends in the long run, or is there a genuine issue that makes you want to pull away?

Related stories

"If the friendship chronically makes you feel unsafe, unseen, or unappreciated, then it may be worth questioning why you feel compelled to hang on to it," Kirmayer said. If your friend has done something, such as make you feel used or put you down out of jealousy , it might not be a relationship worth preserving .

But a reshuffle is more about you and what you want out of your social interactions. Kirmayer said you might wish to make new friends through shared hobbies because your current friends don't share your interests .

2. Rebalance — but don't withdraw

Sometimes, your reason for a reshuffle might come from the friendship dynamic itself, Kirmayer said. If you feel a friendship is a little one-sided — and you've already addressed it — you might want to adjust how much you put into the relationship.

"You've accepted that they are not putting in as much effort or attention into the friendship as you are, and you want to create a bit more balance to reduce feelings of resentment in order to stay close," she said.

In those cases, you can cut down on how many texts and phone calls you answer, using the time to connect with other people or do something that brings you more joy .

3. Stay in touch in smaller ways

As you encounter various life changes, you may need a reshuffle to avoid becoming overwhelmed. "Sometimes this has less to do with the friendship itself and more to do with life circumstances, misaligned schedules, physical distance," Kirmayer said.

Kirmayer said you still need to make an effort, whether investing time in new relationships or taking a breather from old ones.

"Our friendships are fluid, and staying peripherally connected can allow for that reconnection at a later point," she said. "We just want to make sure we are tending to that relationship in small ways over time — checking in, sending small updates, saying 'happy birthday,' remembering important dates."

Life is full of surprises: In a few years, you might end up closer than ever to your old friends — all because you took the time to reconnect with yourself .

Watch: The surprising effects loneliness has on your brain and body

• Main content

• PRO Courses Guides New Tech Help Pro Expert Videos About wikiHow Pro Upgrade Sign In
• EDIT Edit this Article
• EXPLORE Tech Help Pro About Us Random Article Quizzes Request a New Article Community Dashboard This Or That Game Popular Categories Arts and Entertainment Artwork Books Movies Computers and Electronics Computers Phone Skills Technology Hacks Health Men's Health Mental Health Women's Health Relationships Dating Love Relationship Issues Hobbies and Crafts Crafts Drawing Games Education & Communication Communication Skills Personal Development Studying Personal Care and Style Fashion Hair Care Personal Hygiene Youth Personal Care School Stuff Dating All Categories Arts and Entertainment Finance and Business Home and Garden Relationship Quizzes Cars & Other Vehicles Food and Entertaining Personal Care and Style Sports and Fitness Computers and Electronics Health Pets and Animals Travel Education & Communication Hobbies and Crafts Philosophy and Religion Work World Family Life Holidays and Traditions Relationships Youth
• Browse Articles
• Learn Something New
• Quizzes Hot
• This Or That Game New
• Train Your Brain
• Explore More
• Support wikiHow
• About wikiHow
• Log in / Sign up
• Relationships
• Handling Friendship Problems

How to Deal with Friendship Problems at School

Last Updated: February 29, 2024 References

This article was co-authored by Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC . Moshe Ratson is the Executive Director of spiral2grow Marriage & Family Therapy, a coaching and therapy clinic in New York City. Moshe is an International Coach Federation accredited Professional Certified Coach (PCC). He received his MS in Marriage and Family Therapy from Iona College. Moshe is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), and a member of the International Coach Federation (ICF). There are 7 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page. This article has been viewed 20,271 times.

At some point in your school life, you will have to deal with numerous friendship problems and obstacles. Your friends may have gotten into a big argument, or your friend may suddenly start acting differently with no reason, which may cause drama in your friend group. Every friend group has personal reasons on why they argue, but there are a few ways on how to solve general disagreements in friend groups at school.

Understanding Your Friends

• For example, your friend may tattletale every time a small incident happens because they don't know how to solve the problem. Your friend may blame others for their own issues because they are insecure or have an inflated ego. Your friend may cling to you frequently for safety or security for fear of being alone.

• For example, people who have the Aquarius zodiac sign might be known for being rebellious and sometimes stubborn. [2] X Research source Your Gemini friend may not pay attention to you sometimes because of their zodiac sign. [3] X Research source Although these astrological sign descriptions will never 100% match someone, they can still have some influence. Some ESFJs may be particularly bossy. [4] X Research source

• Your friend may be unhappy with school because of missing assignments, falling behind in a class, bullying, gossip, or failed tests.
• Your friend may also be going through a difficult time in their family. Arguments between family members, deaths in the family, illness spreading in the family, and other family issues can make your friend annoyed and stressed over every little thing, such as getting one problem incorrect on homework.

wikiHow Quiz: Is My Friend Toxic?

How often does your friend flake on plans.

Constantly! They almost always cancel at the last minute.

Frequently. I might as well flip a coin to see if they show up.

Occasionally. They usually have a good excuse, though.

Never. If they give me their word, I know they’ll be there.

Trying to Solve the Problem

• If you guys are arguing during break or lunch, excuse yourself to go to the bathroom and calm down.
• If you guys were arguing during class (e.g. during a group discussion or a lecture), try to keep quiet and lessen everyone's anger. Don't provoke your friends or do anything passive-aggressive during this time. If you guys suddenly start yelling or doing other actions in class, you are likely to disrupt all of the other classmates.
• If some of your friends are immature, set an example for them by not acting immature like them. If they distract and annoy you during class, ignore them and pay attention to what's happening in class. If they have frequent outbursts, control your own emotions and handle the situation in a calm manner.

• Recess and break may be too short to fully get your thoughts out (as it may only be 15 minutes or less), so wait until lunch to have a full discussion on the matter. So, lunch and afterschool times are the best times to solve the argument. Make sure that all of your friends stay after school if you are solving it at that time.
• Make sure your friends agree to the plan, though- you don't want your friends arguing over the argument!

• For example, if your friends are arguing over something that happened in class one day, but you were absent on that day, you can't really say anything about the incident. Try to stay neutral if you can.

• For example, if your friend was extremely worried about tests and homework, these factors could've caused your friend to have an outburst due to a lot of stress.

• Propose on doing the first idea first, then the second idea. For example, you may suggest watching the first suggested movie, then the second suggested movie tomorrow.
• Check if there really are multiple ways to solve a problem. If your friends are arguing over whether or not a way of solving a math problem is valid, check on the internet or talk with a teacher to see if the way is also correct.
• Find a solution that can make the majority of people happy. For example, if your friends are quarreling about who to put on their room list for a field trip, try to satisfy everyone's wants if possible. If possible, let your music-hating friend be in separate rooms from your friend that loves blasting loud music. Then, try to put a few of your friends that get along together especially well in another room.

• Register what the mediator is saying. Don't interrupt your friends, and actually process what they mean. Don't ignore or pretend that you are listening if you aren't. Try to actively listen to each of your friends and what they have to say, even if you strongly disagree with them.

Dealing with Annoying or Toxic Friends

• Try to ignore chatty and distracting classmates. A lot of these people just want attention, so ignore them if possible.
• Refrain from letting a know-it-all's words get to you. Most of the things a know-it-all says is either biased to them or untrue, so don't let their words get to you.
• Stop competing with competitive people. If competitive people make you feel as if a heavy weight is dropped on you, stop competing. Competitive people often have unrealistic standards, and overworking yourself to unrealistic standards will just ruin your confidence and self-esteem.

• Confront the friend. Sometimes, your friend may not know that they are toxic, as their habits are ingrained into their personality. Schedule a time to chat with your friend about their behavior.
• Set boundaries with your friend. It's important to set boundaries with your friend to make sure your friend knows what you're okay with and what you're not okay with.

• Learn how to stand up for yourself when they start controlling you again. Start making your own decisions again by waiting until your friend is done speaking, then adding your own opinion respectfully. For example, if your bossy friend wants you to sit with her, calmly state that you'd like to sit with your other friend today.
• Try being assertive to boost your confidence and to let them know that you won't back down this time.
• Don't give into your friend if they plead, guilt-trip you, or give you the cold shoulder.

• Don't react if they start complaining about something again. If they start pouring their heart out about what happened yesterday at the mall, calmly listen to them for a couple of minutes, and then cut them off by switching the topic of the conversation.
• Get them to see the bright side of things. If they are constantly being negative, try adding to their comments by saying something positive. If your friend complains of getting in trouble in science class, say something like, "At least we got to work together in science class today!" or something to look forward to, like lunchtime or the weekend.

• Set clear boundaries with these types of friends and limit contact with them. Tell them what your limits are and what you can and cannot tolerate clearly.
• Avoid this person as much as possible. You could avoid sitting with them in class (if you can choose seats) and ignore their requests (such as borrowing school supplies and asking for answers to homework).

• Set clear boundaries with these types of friends. For example, if they follow you to the bathroom and wait for you there and you're uncomfortable with it, state that your friend can wait outside of the bathroom, but not outside of the stall. Or, if your friend insists on sitting with you in class, tell them that you wish to alternate sitting with one friend and them.
• Get rid of your clingy friends as a last resort. If your clingy friend is refusing to change, leave your clingy friend. Avoid them if possible, and make it clear that you do not want to be friends with them anymore.

Community Q&A

• Lunch time is the best time to discuss long-winded topics such as solving an argument. Break/recess may be too short, and you may not be interested in sitting still and talking during break if you want to run around and release your energy during recess (especially if you're in elementary school). Thanks Helpful 0 Not Helpful 0
• You should still stand up for yourself even if you are younger than your toxic friend. Just because your toxic friend is older than you doesn't mean that they can have control of you or is always right. Thanks Helpful 0 Not Helpful 0

You Might Also Like

Expert Interview

Thanks for reading our article! If you’d like to learn more about making friends, check out our in-depth interview with Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC .

• ↑ https://www.understood.org/en/articles/child-immature
• ↑ https://www.allure.com/story/aquarius-zodiac-sign-personality-traits#:~:text=As%20the%20eleventh%20and%20penultimate,progressive%2C%20rebellious%2C%20and%20humanitarian .
• ↑ https://www.allure.com/story/gemini-zodiac-sign-personality-traits#:~:text=Playful%20and%20intellectually%20curious%2C%20Gemini,dinner%20parties%2C%20and%20dance%20floors .
• ↑ https://www.16personalities.com/esfj-personality
• ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/lifetime-connections/201711/confronting-conflict-friends
• ↑ https://lifehacker.com/how-to-safely-intervene-in-a-conflict-1845665998
• ↑ https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/what-is-a-emotional-immaturity

About This Article

• Send fan mail to authors

Did this article help you?

Featured Articles

Trending Articles

Watch Articles

• Terms of Use
• Privacy Policy
• Do Not Sell or Share My Info
• Not Selling Info

Get wikiHow's expert advice in our new

Weekly Relationships Newsletter

3 Ways Kids Can Solve Friendship Conflicts

Help your child make up after an argument with a friend..

Posted December 4, 2017

Conflicts are common in children’s friendships, but they don’t have to mean the end of a relationship. Here are three ways kids can move past disagreements.

1) Ask questions

When someone disagrees with us, it’s tempting to just argue harder for our point of view. But arguments that sound like "Yes-No-Yes-No" go nowhere.

Asking questions can help kids understand better what the other person wants and why.

Asking questions beginning with "What" or "How" can help children see their friend's point of view. "What do you think?" "What do you want to do?" "How do you think we should do it?" "What do you like about that one?" "What don't you like about these ones?" Questions like these express caring about the other child's opinions. They can open the door to compromise or make it easier for your child to go along with what the friend wants.

Warn your child to be careful about asking friends "Why" questions those can sound critical. Asking, "Why did you do such a stupid thing?!?!" won't inspire a warm response from a friend.

2) Speak up

Sometimes children fume silently and then explode. Neither is helpful.

Instead, kids need to be able to ask clearly and kindly for what they want. Using “I” statements can help. When your child says something that begins with "I think..." or "I want...", it helps the friend understand your child's viewpoint.

Explain to your child that the friend isn't a mind reader. Although it may seem like the friend should just know what your child wants, it's kinder and more helpful to explain directly. Adding a "please" also makes it easier for the friend to listen.

3) Let it go

We, adults, tend to want to talk everything out, but kids often resolve conflicts by just separating for a few minutes, hours, or days, and then coming together again and just being nice to each other.

Everyone makes mistakes, and part of being a good friend is being able to forgive and move on.

For kids, making up with a friend after an argument may be as simple as just offering a friendly greeting the next day, giving the friend a compliment, or just sitting together at lunch or playing together at recess.

Related Posts

3 Common Friendship Mistakes for Kids

How to Be Your Child's Friendship Coach

Help Your Child Learn to Forgive

Eileen Kennedy-Moore, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist, based in Princeton, NJ, and author of many books, including Kid Confidence (for parents) and Growing Friendships (for children).

• Find a Therapist
• Find a Treatment Center
• Find a Psychiatrist
• Find a Support Group
• Find Teletherapy
• United States
• Brooklyn, NY
• Chicago, IL
• Houston, TX
• Los Angeles, CA
• New York, NY
• Portland, OR
• San Diego, CA
• San Francisco, CA
• Seattle, WA
• Washington, DC
• Asperger's
• Bipolar Disorder
• Chronic Pain
• Eating Disorders
• Passive Aggression
• Personality
• Goal Setting
• Positive Psychology
• Stopping Smoking
• Low Sexual Desire
• Relationships
• Child Development
• Therapy Center NEW
• Diagnosis Dictionary
• Types of Therapy

Understanding what emotional intelligence looks like and the steps needed to improve it could light a path to a more emotionally adept world.

• Coronavirus Disease 2019
• Affective Forecasting
• Neuroscience